The Confession (14 page)

Adam stood, reached for his
wife’s
hand
and walked back into Gail’s room. Upon seeing her
father, Gail opened her arms to him. Adam fell into her arms. “It’s
ok Daddy. I know you love me, and you will always be my father. I
don’t care how it happened. I’m just so happy you’re my
dad
.”

“These past few days have
been a nightmare for
us,
honey. The accident and everything
else has me somewhat weepy. I want you to know something Gail, and
I never want you to forget it. I am your father, in every way that
matters most. If your uncle tries to contact you, I want you to
tell me. I do not want you alone in a room with him. Do you hear
me? He is to stay away from you. I will protect you from him. I
don’t want him upsetting you.”

Gail smiled at the
thoughtful
way her father protected her. “You are my knight in shining
armor, willing to slay the dragon
for
me. I have to say, I like
this
evil
side to you. It makes you look rugged.”

Adam stared at her
dumbfounded for several seconds. He looked at Lydia, who just shook
her head, and then, everyone laughed their asses off. It was
a tremendous
release of tension. “That’s right, daughter of
mine. I will slay any dragon who hurts you, priest, or no
priest
. I will always protect you.” It was then that Gail’s stomach
growled with hunger. “I think someone is hungry. Let’s ring for the
nurse, and get something solid into your
belly
.”

While Gail was eating what
she considered baby food, David entered the room. “Well young lady,
I am happy to see you eating something.” The nurse followed
behind
him
and took her vitals. “You are progressing on
schedule Gail, but I want to keep you here for two more days to
monitor the concussion.”

“How’s the
leg,
David?”

“It looks good. I took
another x-ray earlier this morning. The pins are in place, and I
anticipate Gail will be in a cast for at least eight weeks. I want
to see her in two weeks for another x-ray. Once I remove the cast,
she’ll need to wear a boot for another four weeks at a minimum. I
want her
non-weight
bearing until the boot comes
off. At that point, we can discuss therapy. Her leg muscles will
atrophy during this time, and
treatment
will be
uncomfortable.”

“Her mother and I will take good care
of her.”

He turned to Gail and said,
“We will always take care of
you,
sweetheart.”

“What about college?”

“I spoke to Mr. Lawrence
yesterday. I have already arranged to have CCTV camera installed in
all of your classes. You will have a front row seat, and not miss
anything. When you are in therapy, your mother will record
the
lessons
for you. Don’t worry about anything honey. Bobby
and I will re
move
everything out of the family room,
and this weekend, we will move your bed and clothes into the house.
That room will look like a classroom by the time school begins in
September.”

Tears pricked Gail’s eyes, and she
covered her face with her hands and cried. Adam gathered her in his
strong arms and kissed her forehead. He whispered in her ear,
“Always remember that I love you, and I want you to be happy. As we
speak, your brother is putting together a new desk for you. Pray he
doesn’t kill himself.”

“Thank
you,
Daddy. I was
so afraid I would miss my first semester. So, I get a new desk, how
about a new laptop?”

Adam hugged her hard.
“Whatever you want munchkin, we’ll buy one for you on the
way
home.
”

Adam called Bobby as they were leaving
the parking garage. “Have you made progress with the
desk?”

“Yeah, it was a bitch to
put together. That
goddamn
glass top is
thick
. I had to
call Matt to help me, but it looks good. How’s Gail?”

“She’s much better today. David wants
to keep her in the hospital for a few more days to monitor the
concussion.”

“That’s great. I miss her Dad. It feels
strange not having her in the house.”

“I know son. We all miss her. Your
mother and I just left the hospital. We are going to Best Buy to
purchase a new laptop for your sister. Would you also like a new
laptop?”

“Are you for real? Hell yes, I would
love a new laptop.”

Adam laughed. “Consider it a done
deal.”

Bobby was silent for several seconds.
“Um, Dad, can you put me on speaker phone.”

Adam handed the phone to
Lydia. “Ok son, we can
hear
you.”

“I moved some of my things and a
sleeping bag into Gail’s new room. She may need something during
the night, and I want to be close to her. She can kick me out when
she gets sick of looking at me.”

Silence filled the air. “Bobby, are you
still on the phone?”

Bobby cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m
still here. Mom, Dad, I love you.”

Adam reached over to squeeze Lydia’s
hand. In unison, they said, “We love you too.”

Emotions ran high as Adam
continued driving. Lydia spoke first. “We have two
fantastic
children.”

All Adam could say was, “Yes, we do,”
because if he continued speaking, he would lose it
again.

Chapter 12

It is well after the final
meal of the day when I sneak into the rectory like
an ordinary
criminal. The light in Father O’Connell’s office
is
off
so I can assume he has retired for the night. I
cannot face anyone. The acid in my stomach makes it impossible for
me to eat. I need time alone to pray, to meditate on the best way
to resolve this problem. Everyone in my family,
except
Mary, hates
me. I knew it was a mistake returning to this parish. I never
imagined just how difficult it would be, and it is testing my
faith.

Father O’Connell heard
John’s footsteps as he walked towards the church. He gave John
several minutes for private meditation and proceeded to follow him.
Father Brady lay prone on the hard marble floor, face down, arms
outstretched in front of the altar. He cringed at
the image
of John lying prone on the cold marble floor. It had been many
years since he’d witnessed a priest offering himself up for
absolution in such a fashion.

John heard the metal clacking of his
cane and rose from his position. He quickly wiped the tears from
his face. Walking over to Father O’Connell, he helped him into one
of the pews.

“Why are you crying John?”

“Where do I begin? I feel
something changing within me, Father, and it scares me. So much of
my past has come to the surface, and I do not know how to handle
the turmoil. I hurt so many people, and I have no one but myself to
blame. I ran from my problems. I ran from so many things, and
now…now…Dear Lord, please give me the strength to accept what
cannot
be
changed
. I want to run away Father. I want
to hide again, and I know that no matter how far I run; this will
follow me.”

“Are you saying you no longer desire
the life Our Lord has chosen for you?”

“No, I don’t know what I am saying. I
need time alone. I need to think about everything. Knowing I
fathered a child has changed me. It’s brought to the surface
feelings and desires long since buried.”

“Running from your problems
solves nothing. Draw on Our Lord’s strength to see you through this
turmoil. Find your inner strength and all will be clear to you.
Have
faith,
John. Our Lord will guide your path.”

I watch Father O’Connell
leave the church, and I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. I need time
alone to think. I cannot think because everyone is looking at me. I
escape to my small room and lie on the bed. I lay awake staring at
the ceiling fan. Round and round it goes, just like a carousel.
Sleep escapes me. I walk to the end of the hallway and enter the
small chapel. The room is quiet and I let my mind drift to memories
of the past. I am flooded with self-doubt. Am I
actually
hiding
behind the walls of the church? Am I using the clergy to escape
punishment? Lydia fears me, I can see it written all over her face,
and the fact that I
am
the cause of
that fear makes me physically
ill. For the first time since I took my vows, I wonder if I made
the correct decision. This sudden moment of clarity has cleared my
mind. I know what I must do.

I walk back to my room and
sit down at my desk. I retrieve a piece of paper and write down a
few words that will forever change my life. “I officially request
laicization.” I take off my collar and place it on top of the
document. What few belongs I have I pack
quickly
and quietly
leave the rectory.

I call Mary when I regain the ability
to speak. The sudden and abrupt departure from a life that I found
comforting for so long feels strange. “I have nowhere to go Mary,
and I need help. I left a note in my room stating that I want to
resign from my life of service. I cannot face God and my
parishioners when I feel like a rapist. I though I resolved all of
these feelings a long time ago. Seeing Gail and knowing that she is
my daughter has brought it all to the surface. Lydia fears me, and
I cannot live with myself knowing that I once again hurt everyone.
I don’t know what to do.”

“Are you sure you are
making the right decision? It’s not wise deciding something so
important when you are upset. If I give you some advice, would you
listen to
me,
John?”

“Yes, Mary, I will listen to
you.”

“I want you to sit down
with Mom and Dad, and discuss what you told me yesterday. You have
to face
them,
John. You have been running
from
everyone, and
avoiding the real issue. How will you heal the problems with Lydia
and Adam if you do not address all of it? I’ll call Mom and Dad and
ask
them to
come over to my house. You have to face this John,
or you will spend the remainder of your life running. Can you do
this for me?”

“Yes, Mary, I will do this, but can you
also call Adam and Lydia? I want them to hear what I have to
say.”

“I’ll call them as soon as I hang
up.”

“Thank
you,
Mary. I’ll
see you soon.”