The Cowboy Next Door (17 page)

“Jay, I'm sorry.”

He nodded and his eyes filled with tears. He didn't cry. “I promised her that I would only love her. Forever. It was all I could give.”

“What about Cindy?”

“Friendship. We had a great friendship and a lot of fun together. We got tangled up in something that became a habit. It was an easy relationship that didn't require a lot from either of us. She wanted a career, and I had memories of someone else. It wasn't love and she was smart to say no when I proposed.”

“I'm not sure what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know the truth, before you hear it from someone else. I wanted you to know that it wasn't about you living in that house. It isn't about who you were in St. Louis.”

“That isn't true, Jay. I'll always be that girl from St. Louis. Our past makes us who we are. Remember?” Her past made her someone who couldn't compete with the memory of a perfect summer.

He didn't want anyone in that house. She understood now. She understood that he was telling her that he had already loved and lost. He had loved someone perfect, someone innocent. Someone who was nothing at all like Lacey.

She got it. She finally got it.

 

Our past does make us who we are.
He agreed with that. That summer with Jamie had changed his life.

Lacey was looking at him, looking a little lost, looking hurt and he didn't know how to change that. He had given her the truth, it was all he had.

“I have to go now.” Lacey stood, holding the baby. Rachel was still trying to look at the fan.

“Don't. You really don't have to leave.”

“I know, but I can't stay.”

She walked away without looking back, and without telling him she'd catch him later.

Jay stood in the gazebo and watched her go, watched her take a little of his heart with him. He didn't know how to call her back. He had never dreamed of this day, when he would want to call her back, because calling her back felt more important than holding on to a perfect summer.

He walked back to the barn, slow steps, thinking about why it had been necessary to tell her about Jamie and the promise.
His dad was back from checking fences. Jay took the reins of his dad's gelding and led the horse into the stable.

“Did you find the hole?” he asked, his back to his dad.

“I found a place with loose barbed wire. That has to be it. Not a hole, just an empty space.”

Empty spaces. Jay tied the horse. Empty places that Lacey and a baby had started to fill. And that had scared the daylights out of him. It had felt like a broken promise to a girl who hadn't had a chance to live, to really dream, to be.

“What's up?” His dad pulled the saddle off the dozing horse.

“Not much.”

“That's more than a
not much
look on your face.”

“I guess it's a look of pretty much total confusion.”

“Got a girl on your mind?” His dad handed him the saddle and reached to pick up the brush he'd brought out of the tack room.

“A girl on my mind? Dad, I'm not sixteen.”

“Sorry, but I wish it was as simple as that. You're a grown man. That's hard for a dad to handle. And you're going to have to let go of something that happened when you were a kid.”

“‘Something that happened'?” What an easy way to characterize a marriage that had ended three months after it started.

“Jamie was a long time ago, Jay. It's time to move on and to let someone else into your life. That doesn't mean you should replace her with someone you don't love just to fill the void.”

“Cindy?”

His dad shrugged. “You know the answer to that better than I do.”

“I guess I do. But I made a promise to love Jamie forever.”

His dad stopped brushing the horse. Jay looked away from a face so similar to his own that people often called them carbon copies. His dad hadn't known about the promise. Jay had kept that to himself, because it had seemed too private, too important.

Now it did seem like something a kid had done a long time ago.

His dad went back to brushing the horse, smooth, easy strokes. The horse twitched and stomped at flies that buzzed around his legs.

“That was a big promise to make.”

“I guess it was.”

“You can keep room in your heart for her and still make room for someone else. You made a promise to a dying girl. That's noble but a little unrealistic. I haven't said much over the years because I knew you'd work it out on your own.”

Jay smiled at his dad. “So, why now?”

“Because I don't want you to make a mistake.”

Mistake? It was up to Jay to figure that one out. Would loving Lacey be a mistake? Or would walking away from her be the mistake?

“Jay, do you care about Lacey?”

“I care about her. But I'm not sure if she's ready for a relationship any more than I am.”

“I guess you've got to think about this and where you want it to go from here.”

He nodded and reached for the halter of the gelding. Where to go from here? He remembered Lacey walking away. She wasn't a girl of eighteen looking for someone to fulfill her dreams. She was a woman who knew how to deal with life.

And she had walked away from him.

“H
ere you go, Mom.” Lacey set the suitcase on the hide-a-bed in Jolynn's studio. “Remember, you have to work in the morning.”

“I know, I know.” Deanna sat down, clasping her hands at her knees. “I haven't worked in a long time, Lacey.”

“You'll be fine. Show up and do what Jolynn asks you to do.”

“Thank you for doing this for me. I hadn't expected you to be this good to me, not after everything I've done to you.”

“I forgive you.” The words were getting easier. “Are you sure you don't want to go to the rodeo with us?”

“I'll stay here and put things away. Do you want me to watch Rachel?”

Lacey shook her head. “I'm not ready for that, Mom. You have to understand that forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I can't trust you with Rachel, not yet.”

“That isn't really fair. I'm not going to hurt her.”

“I know.” But Lacey didn't know. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

She hugged her mom at the door to the apartment and she walked down the sidewalk that used to be hers, past flowers she had planted. Her place. A few months had changed everything.

She put Rachel in the car seat and buckled it, pretending
her mom wasn't at the door to the apartment, watching, wanting her to feel guilty. Someday she'd leave Rachel with her mother. Not yet.

When she drove onto the rodeo grounds, past lines of cars and trucks, she saw Jay's truck and trailer. Of course he would be there.

She parked next to Bailey's truck and got out. She turned with Rachel and saw Bailey walking across the parking area, her belly round and her top stretched tight. Lacey waved and Bailey smiled a greeting.

“I didn't know if you would come tonight.” Bailey reached for Rachel. “Give me this baby girl.”

“Are you sure? She's heavy.”

“She really has grown.” Bailey held the baby close and slipped an arm around Lacey. “How are you?”

“Good, I guess. You know people talk and you just let it go because there's nothing you can do to change the past. And talk doesn't change who I am now.”

“You're finally starting to get it.”

“I guess. It's easy to say. I'm working on actually feeling that confident.”

“And what about Jay?”

Lacey shrugged and didn't mean to look for him. But she did. He was on his horse, a lariat in his gloved hand and his hat pulled low. Cowboy. He was a cowboy all the way.

“Lacey?”

“Bailey, I can't do this. I can't be the woman he rejects. I can't be a second-best replacement for a memory that has lived untarnished in his mind. I've worked too hard on my life to make that mistake.”

“Is that what you think about him?”

“It's what I know. Now, let's go watch some cowboys rope some steers, okay?”

“You got it.” Bailey sighed, like the conversation wasn't over.

They climbed the steps of the bleachers and sat midway up, away from dirt that would be flung through the fence, and close enough to see the action.

As they sat down, Bailey handed Rachel back to Lacey. She made a face and leaned a little forward.

“Bay, you okay?”

“Contraction. Don't worry, just one of those ‘getting ready' kind, not the real thing.”

“It looked like the real thing.”

Bailey smiled. “It wasn't. Believe me, I'll let you know if it is the real thing. And then you can yell for that cowboy down there because he is not missing the birth of this child.”

“I won't let him miss it.”

Bailey took another deep breath and relaxed. “Court is next week. Are you ready for that?”

“I am ready. I'm a little afraid of the future, of raising her by myself.”

“You'll be fine. Look at Meg down there. We managed with her, didn't we?”

Lacey smiled at Meg, sitting on the saddle in front of her daddy, her blond hair in a braid and a wide-brimmed hat on her head. The little girl waved at them.

“She's such a great kid.” Lacey smiled and kissed the top of Rachel's bald little head. “Cody is a lucky guy to have the three of you.”

“We're blessed. And remember the days when I didn't think that would happen?”

“I do remember.”

“Remember when I was the talk of the town, coming home from Wyoming pregnant?”

“We're two different people, Bailey.”

“I know that, but I'm saying to you that you shouldn't sell
yourself, God or this community short. Or that cowboy with the sweet smile and brown eyes. Don't sell him short either.”

“I'm not going to do that. I'm also not going to sit and dream of something that isn't going to happen. I'm a friend. I'm someone he helps. I'm not someone he loves.”

“You're still living in the past, Lacey.”

“I'm all about today and the future. I'm all about raising this baby the best I can and being the best person I can be.”

She held the baby close as Jay Blackhorse rode into the arena on a horse that knew every move a calf would make. Jay loosened his arm and let the lariat fly. The circle of rope dropped over the calf's neck and the horse immediately backed up as Jay dismounted and ran to the calf, flipping it and tying its hooves the way cowboys had done for centuries.

“He's pretty amazing.” Bailey said the words with a tight smile. “And eventually you'll have to admit that you love him.”

“I don't love him.”

“Umm-hmm,” was all Bailey said, and then she gasped.

 

“Jay, where's Cody?” Lacey's voice, screaming over the crowds. He glanced her way as he tied his horse to the back of his trailer.

“He's running bulls through the chutes. Why?”

“Baby!”

“Rachel?”

She shook her head. She had Rachel in her arms. “The baby is coming. Bailey's water broke about five minutes ago. We need to get Cody.”

“I'll get him. Why don't you go back to Bailey? Get her down here to his truck.”

Calm. He had to be calm and not think about babies and about Lacey five feet from him, her lips soft pink and her eyes
brown and sparkling with excitement. He swallowed emotion that stuck like day-old bread.

“I'll get Bailey. Jay, it's too early.” She said it so softly he nearly didn't catch the words, but when he turned, she was retreating, back to Bailey in the bleachers and a new baby on the way, too soon.

Jay hurried through the crowds and found Cody near the bulls that were penned and about to be driven into the chutes for the riders. “Buddy, you've got to come with me.”

“What's up?” Cody opened a gate and waved for one of the other guys. “Let me finish this up and I'll be right there.”

“Cody, Bailey's water broke.”

“Water broke? Why?”

“I think it means a baby on the way.”

“She's a month from her due date.” Cody stood his ground, his face a mess of emotion and nerves. Meg, on the other side of the fences, started to yell for him to “cowboy up, Dad. We're gonna have a baby.”

Jay laughed, because of the shock on Cody's face and the excitement of the little girl. They were making a family out of something that hadn't been a family until a short time ago. And it was working. Jay didn't want to envy, but he did.

His mind switched back to Lacey and Rachel. He didn't have time to think about promises, about Lacey. Instead he motioned for Cody to follow him.

“Cody, someone else can do this job. You're the only guy that can take Bailey to the hospital.”

“I'm coming. Can you make sure someone gets my livestock home?”

“I'll get them home.”

“Thanks, Jay.” Cody climbed a gate and grabbed Meg. Jay watched them go, kind of wishing it was him.

“Hey, need some help?” Lacey stood behind him. He smiled and shrugged.

“I've got to get Cody's livestock home. You've got Rachel and I bet Bailey wants you at the hospital.”

He wanted distance between them, because he couldn't think with her standing this close, smelling like spring. He really needed space to think.

“They took my car.” She walked a little closer. “I can help you, Jay. I can drive a trailer. Bailey taught me how. I can help you get your horse home. Whatever you need me to do. There's one thing I do know, babies take time and I don't need to hurry to the hospital.”

She'd had a baby. He remembered, and he knew from shadows in her eyes that she was remembering. And he saw that she wasn't letting him in, she was shutting him out.

He pushed his hat back on his head and nodded. “Okay, you can help. If you want to drive my truck and trailer home with my horse, I'll take Cody's livestock home.”

“Do you want me to put your horse in the field or in a stall?”

“He's usually in the field, but it'll be easier for you to put him in a stall.”

“I don't mind…”

“I know you don't, but I'd feel better if you put him in the stall. I don't want to worry about you out there in the dark.”

“Okay, I'll put him in the stall. So, show me how to drive your truck.”

He coughed a little. “You can't drive the truck?”

“Gotcha.”

Yes, she had gotten him. He smiled a little weakly and handed her his keys. “I'll be over in a sec to put him in the trailer.”

“I can do that, too.”

“I know, but…”

“But he's your animal and you want to make sure. I don't blame you.”

She walked away, suddenly a cowgirl and not the city girl who waited tables at the Hash-It-Out. He didn't turn away for a long second because he realized that once upon a time he had been in love with a girl.

And Lacey was a woman. She was someone a guy could count on. She didn't need a cowboy to be strong for her. She could be strong for a cowboy.

He processed that newly found knowledge because he didn't know what to do with it, or how to let go of promises he had made.

 

Lacey gripped the steering wheel of Jay's truck and said a lot of prayers as she drove the back roads to the farm. She had driven a truck and trailer, but this ride, this night felt different. Bailey was having a baby and Jay's horse was in her hands.

She prayed for her friend and the baby as she drove, and by the time she parked in front of the stable, her back was stiff from being tense and her jaw felt permanently clenched. She hopped down from the truck and landed on wobbly legs.

As she unloaded the horse, lights came on in the house. A door closed and someone crossed the lawn to the barn. Lacey heard Rachel's quiet whimpers in the truck and hurried to get the horse in the barn and unsaddled.

“Lacey, you okay in here?” Wilma walked up, robe flapping and hair in curlers. “Jay called. He wanted to make sure you made it.”

“Worried about his horse?” The wrong words. She regretted them immediately, even if she had meant them to be funny.

“No, sweetie, he was worried about you. Let me get the baby and you put that horse in the stall. There's grain in the feed room.”

“Thank you, Wilma.”

“Don't mention it. It was sweet of you to do this for Jay, es
pecially with Bailey in labor. As soon as you get finished, come up to the house. I'll give you my keys, so you don't have to drive that truck to the hospital, and I'll keep the baby.”

“You don't have to do that.”

“I want to.” Wilma touched Lacey's arm. “Honey, we love you. I know that there has been talk and you've been hurt by that. But I want you to know, I would never be ashamed to have you as part of my family. I'm only sorry that Jay can't let go of the past and see what's in front of him now.”

Lacey turned into the dark, hiding tears and choking back a sob that almost escaped. “Wilma, that means a lot to me. More than you could ever know.”

“Lacey, stop telling yourself that you're the only one who has made mistakes. I made my share back in the day. As a matter of fact, I made one that nearly killed Jay's dad. But he forgave me. It wasn't easy, but we worked through our troubles and we came out stronger than ever.”

“I didn't know.”

“No one but Bill knew, until right now. It isn't something I'm proud of. Bill was in medical school and gone all the time. I was young and lonely and we had a neighbor that had a habit of saying all the right things. And he convinced me that Bill didn't appreciate me. Of course that wasn't true, but I was lonely and let myself believe that it was.”

“I…”

“You don't know what to say.” Wilma smiled as she spoke. “Pretty houses and fancy cars hide a lot of sins that we'd all rather not talk about, but we need to face and work through our sins. The Blackhorse family isn't perfect. But we're happy and we love each other. We've never pretended to be perfect. Temptation doesn't pay attention to class or location. It isn't a respecter of persons.”