The Cowboy Next Door (18 page)

Wilma cleared her throat. “Now, enough of that. You have
to go see a new baby into the world. And I need to get Rachel out of the truck.”

“Wilma?”

Wilma turned. “Yes, Lacey?”

“I'm glad you shared that with me.”

“I am, too. I wanted you to know, you're someone I would want my son to bring home to meet his family.”

As Lacey unsaddled the horse and put him away, tears flowed and she didn't try to stop them. She was good enough. Wilma wouldn't be ashamed of her. Whatever happened between Lacey and Jay, she had that knowledge and it felt good.

It felt a lot like love. It wasn't the love of a man, but the love of a family and a community. And that was enough.

L
acey left the hospital the next morning, blinking against the bright sunlight. Bailey had given birth two hours earlier, to a tiny little guy with dark hair and a big cry. He was small, but healthy. Lacey sighed with relief and exhaustion as she got into the car for the drive home. Back to Gibson.

She tried not to think of Jay at the hospital, and the two of them not speaking. It had felt a lot like losing a friend. And more. She hadn't expected that.

She hadn't expected silence between them.

As she drove past a new apartment complex her mind turned in a completely foreign direction. She could move to Springfield.

She could get an apartment and take college classes.

Of course that was running away. But hadn't she run away before, and it worked out for her? She had run away and ended up in Gibson.

She had found faith and love. She had found herself in that small town. And now it was all crumbling and falling apart. Her mom had invaded her life. Jay had invaded her heart.

The drive to Gibson took a little more than thirty minutes.
When she pulled up in front of the Blackhorse home, she breathed a sigh of relief because Jay's truck was gone.

As she walked up the front steps, the door opened. Wilma smiled and motioned her inside. “You look beat.”

Lacey tried for a smile. “I am. It was a long night. But worth it. The baby is beautiful.”

“I can't wait to meet him.” Wilma motioned her inside. “And your own little angel is still sound asleep. Why don't you leave her here and go home for a nap?”

It was tempting, very tempting. The thought of sleep brought a yawn that Lacey covered with her hand. “I started to say I don't need to sleep.”

“Of course you need to sleep. Unlike Jay, at least you admit that. He came home, changed into his uniform and went to work.”

“He's going to be sorry.” She didn't want to talk about Jay, not with his mother.

“He'll be tired tonight. Oh, that reminds me, I wanted to make sure you knew about the ladies' meeting at church tomorrow night. Will you be able to make it?”

“I might. I usually have classes on Thursdays, but since Bailey is in the hospital, I probably won't go. She usually takes care of Rachel for me.”

“If you need me to take care of her, I can.”

“Thank you, Wilma. But I can't keep taking advantage of you that way.” She pulled her hand back from Pete, who had ambled onto the porch and nudged her. “I'm actually thinking of renting an apartment in Springfield. I realized that it would be easier for me to take classes at the university if I lived there and didn't have to spend so much time away from Rachel, driving back and forth.”

“You would leave town?” Wilma frowned. “Lacey, has something happened between you and Jay?”

“No, nothing.” Only moments, and moments didn't make
forever. Moments didn't equal something. Especially when the man in question was now ignoring her.

She couldn't tell Jay's mother what it felt like to be a stolen moment and nothing more. She knew she could never compare to a perfect summer, a perfect memory.

“Please don't rush into this decision. We all love you and we'd be heartbroken if you left like this. And what about your mom? Jolynn said she's doing a great job at the diner. She even accepted a dress Jolynn gave her to wear to church this Sunday.”

“I know, and you're right, I won't rush.”

“Go home and sleep, honey. You're just tired and things always look bad when you're tired. You probably feel like you're coming apart at the seams, with everything you've been through lately.”

Lacey nodded, because if she opened her mouth to agree, she might cry. How had her perfectly structured life changed in such a short amount of time?

And in five days she would go to court to finalize the adoption of Rachel. That counted as one of the good things in her life. She didn't want to forget the good things. Everything falling into place and falling apart, all in a matter of weeks.

 

Nearly a week after Bailey gave birth, Jay drove down a paved country road, windows down and his radio blasting Kenny Chesney. And he couldn't stop thinking about Lacey. He wished he could go back and undo whatever had gone wrong between them. Maybe it couldn't be undone. She had been hurt by memories that he'd held on to for too long.

He hadn't been able to explain why he needed distance and time to think.

Yesterday she had told his mom that she had gone to Springfield to look at apartments. Her plans were to make a decision
after her court date. He let out a sigh and gripped the wheel a little tighter. Letting go.

He drove down the road to the familiar drive that led to the cemetery. He hadn't been there in a few months. He hadn't really thought of going lately.

He was letting go. And that felt wrong. He felt guilty for the memories that were fading, becoming more a part of his past.

He stopped his truck and got out, walking up to the grave with flowers from his mom's garden. He stood for a minute staring at the headstone.
Jamie Collins. She loved to laugh.
She loved life.

For a very short time.

She wasn't buried here. Her parents had taken her home for a real funeral. This place was for Jay, to remember, to have a place to go. Her parents had bought the marker. They had insisted on keeping Jamie's last name the same.

He placed the flowers in the vase attached to the granite marker and stepped back. It was time to move on, to let someone else into his life, and into his heart. It had been time for a while now, but he realized the other day that the right person just hadn't come along.

Lacey had filled the empty spaces in his heart, spaces that even Jamie hadn't filled. It hadn't been easy to accept that.

“How do I move forward?” he whispered. But he knew the answer. Jamie had been a kid. He hadn't been much more than a kid when they married. He had loved her because she had been soft and vulnerable. She had needed him.

“Son, you move forward by letting go of the past.”

Jay turned, surprised that he wasn't alone. The older man leaned on a cane and tears rolled down his wrinkled cheeks.

“I'm sorry?” Jay took a step back, facing the man that had appeared out of nowhere. But a quick glance around the cemetery and Jay saw the car a short distance away.

“You move forward by letting go. Or you miss out. I missed out.” He wiped his faded blue eyes. “I lost my wife six years ago. She was the love of my life and no one could replace her. But I met this sweet gal at the seniors' center. She was a little younger than me, about sixty, and she had this laugh. I loved her laughter.”

“What happened?”

“I didn't ask her out. My kids were hurt by the relationship. They thought I wasn't being loyal to their mother's memory. They didn't understand how lonely I was, and I didn't want to hurt them. So I didn't date my gal friend. We still had coffee from time to time, and occasionally we sat together, but we didn't date. And now she's gone.”

“She passed away?”

“Nope, she married someone else.” The older gentleman smiled and winked. “I'm really sorry I wasn't the one to marry her. Now, what's your story?”

“I promised my wife I'd love only her, forever.”

“You were young, weren't you?” The older man nodded at the granite marker. “I remember being that young. You can love her forever. But make room in your heart for other people, other love and more experiences.”

“I think you're right about that.”

“Well, if you've got a sweet gal that you could love, I think I'd make an effort to work things out with her.”

“I'm going to try, if it isn't too late.”

“Unless she's married another man, it probably isn't too late. Or maybe you don't have the courage?”

Jay smiled. “I think I have the courage.”

“Does she know how you feel about her?”

“No, she doesn't.”

“It seems to me you need to work on relationships. Communication. They talk about that a lot on those afternoon talk
shows. You might want to watch one.” The older man took a few steps with his cane, leaning heavily for support.

Jay laughed at the man's comment. “Yes, I guess I probably do.”

“If not with her, then with someone else.”

“Thank you. I guess I needed to hear that.”

“Yes, you probably did need to hear that. Sometimes our hearing takes a while to kick into gear. It was nice talking to you, Jay Blackhorse.”

Jay blinked a few times and the man laughed again.

“You're wearing a name tag. You're a little jumpy, aren't you?” He held out an aging and wrinkled hand. “Gordon Parker. Maybe I'll see you around some time.”

Jay watched Gordon Parker walk back to his car, and then he sat down on a nearby bench. His mind went back to that summer that Jamie entered his life. She had needed him in a way that no one else had ever needed him.

Need.

He leaned back and looked up into the green canopy of leaves above him. She had been a girl, innocent and desperate to live.

In the months of their marriage he had helped make her dreams come true. And now he was tangled in memories that had faded, but he had worked to keep alive.

Coming home had changed everything, because Lacey had shown him the difference between loving a girl and loving a woman.

He closed his eyes as he thought those words. Loving a woman. A woman he had pushed away, and who thought she wasn't good enough to be loved forever.

Jay's phone beeped, signaling a text message. He flipped it open and read a message from Bailey.

Have you forgotten what today is?

He had.

 

Lacey had made the decision to go to court alone. So it was her, Rachel and the attorney who walked up the courthouse steps. Bailey was at home with the new baby, and Deanna had taken Lacey's shift at the diner. She could have asked Wilma to come with her, but that would have meant possibly seeing Jay. She'd been avoiding him for the last week, trying to let go of dreams she should never have allowed to form.

Why, after all of these years, had he been the one to make her dream of forever? She didn't want to think about that, not now. Thinking about Jay brought a tight lump to her chest and tears that stung her eyes.

If she could do this alone, she could do anything. Even sign the contract for the apartment in Springfield. She could go to college and be a teacher.

“It'll all be over in less than an hour.” Her attorney patted her arm in a fatherly gesture. She smiled at him, thankful that he'd taken this case and thankful that Bill Blackhorse had paid the legal fees. She didn't know how she would ever thank them for all they'd done for her.

“Will my sister be here?”

“She will.”

Lacey nodded, because it was okay that Corry would be at court. They'd seen each other a few times and Lacey knew that her sister really was trying to get her act together. She was clean, because she had no other options in jail. And she was still attending the church services with the minister that visited the inmates.

The lawyer pushed the door open and motioned Lacey inside. The building was old and smelled of polished wood and history. It was the smell of a government building, or a library. Lacey blinked to adjust to the dim light.

“This way.”

He pointed and she followed him to the elevator. They waited a few minutes and the doors opened. Lacey stepped inside with Rachel. The lawyer, Mr. Douglas, followed.

“Lacey, you're going to be a good mother to that child. You really need to feel good about this.”

“I do.” She smiled to prove it. “I do feel good about what I'm doing. It's just hard.”

Because she had given up her own child. She smiled through eyes that blurred with tears because she couldn't share that with her lawyer. He knew about that other baby, that little girl. It had been brought up because it did affect the outcome of this case. She had given up a child and now she wanted to adopt one. That had to be clarified so that the ruling would go her way.

She prayed it would go her way. Her stomach tightened with thoughts of losing Rachel because the judge or the social workers, or someone, thought she might not be a suitable mother. What if they took Rachel from her today?

She couldn't lose the baby. She thought about losing, and Jay. She really couldn't lose any more, could she? But then, hadn't Job lost everything and more? And he had continued to have faith, even when it wasn't easy.

What if God wanted her to lose everything?

Her thoughts were spiraling down and she couldn't let that happen. “Mr. Douglas, would you pray for me?”

He nodded and as the elevator climbed, he prayed. The prayer didn't stop her heart from breaking.