The Dead Fathers Club (17 page)

I am scared of what will happen to me if I kill Uncle Alan.

I am not scared of getting found out because I will be clever and make it look like an accident but I am scared of doing more bad things.

Once you do one bad thing everything changes and you end up doing more bad things like Emperor Nero.

I read about Emperor Nero in a book from the library in school on the Romans and it said Emperor Nero started off quite nice. He had a Teacher called Seneca but he probably had to call him Mr Seneca.

Emperor Neros mum was weird.

She married her uncle Emperor Claudius who was old and dribbled a lot and she married him and then killed him with poisoned mushrooms just so Nero could be Emperor.

Nero was still a boy when he was Emperor.

He was good in the beginning because he listened to his Teacher Mr Seneca who was good and didnt like there being Slaves even when everyone else did. But his mum was always there hiding behind curtains and getting Nero to do what she wanted.

Nero was still good for a bit and he tried to stop the Games which was where the Gladiators killed each other but everyone loved the Games so he couldnt stop it. He had to do other things instead like put criminals to death. He didnt like doing it but he got more and more used to it and once he had to kill hundreds of Slaves just because one Slave had murdered his master because that was the law. After he did that he became bad.

He put poison in some cake at a childs birthday party so he could kill his brother who was BRITANNICUS who might have wanted to be an Emperor. And killing is like Pringles which are Mums favourite crisps. Once you pop you cant stop.

So Nero killed his wife because he wanted to marry another woman who was very pretty called Poppaea and I think this might be like Uncle Alan because Uncle Alan fancies Carla the Barmaid. I have seen him touch her bum when he walks past her behind the bar to get some crisps. They are not Pringles they are McCoys cheddar flavour and make his breath smell even worse than normal.

Uncle Alan might kill Mum to marry Carla the Barmaid and then he might kill Carla the Barmaid because Emperor Nero went POP and killed Poppaea. He kicked her in the head when he was cross.

And now Emperor Nero was older and he didnt have any good left in him. It had all run out and so he killed lots of Christians after the fire. Then he had to keep killing to stay the Emperor and did the most bad thing which was kill his mum.

His mum was cross with Nero and Nero had a big argument with his mum but then PRETENDED to Make Up with her and invited her to a party and she said Yes Ill go to the party.

She had to go to the party on a boat so Nero built a special boat which was meant to fall apart in the middle of the sea and make her drown. But the boat didnt sink it just broke. When the men on the boat tried to make it sink Neros mums best friend PRETENDED to be Neros mum and said Save me Im Neros mum!!!

Neros mums friend was very brave because she knew they were going to kill her and they did. They smashed her with their oars which rowed the boat.

The real Neros mum escaped and she wrote Nero a letter which said There was a boat accident but Im alive dont worry!!!

And Emperor Nero went mad and sent two men to her and they PRETENDED they were seeing if she was all right.

They said Are you all right?

And Neros mum said Yes.

Then one man got out a big wooden stick like a baseball bat and started beating her up. Then the other man pulled out his sword and she knew it was Nero who tried to kill her so she lifted up her clothes and showed her stomach and pointed to it and said Stab me here because this is where Nero came from.

They said OK.

And they stabbed her and Nero said to everyone She killed herself.

He pretended to be sad like Uncle Alan pretended to be sad when Dad died.

And now Nero didnt trust anyone not even Mr Seneca who he made kill himself. But no matter how many people Nero killed he was never safe. And this is because killing is not a stone you throw away it is a boomerang that comes back and gets you on the head.

In the end Neros own soldiers wanted to get rid of him and they went to get Nero so Nero killed himself but not properly so one of the soldiers finished killing him.

And in the book I got from the library it says at the bottom of the page

And he was Emperor and he did kill his mum. I dont know what an ASTROLOGER said when I was born but it is really mad that everything that is going to happen might be in the stars right now and I cant change it and Uncle Alan cant change it and no one can change it. Not even Mum who always reads the stars in her magazines and she used to say Its going to be a good week this week. Says so here.

She said it every week and she said it on the week Dad died in the crash so the stars must keep some things secret and not let the magazines know. And the secrets about my future are written now in the sky and I cant change them I cant change anything even these words and this full stop.

Dads Ghost does not like the way Uncle Alan has changed the Pub. Dads Ghost does not like the fruit machines and the game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Or the Karaoke or the Pub Quiz or the Machine in the toilets.

Dads Ghost only says the Machine. He doesnt say its full name which is the Condom Machine because he must think I dont know what a condom is. A condom is what men put on their willies if they dont want to have babies. They are also used to make water bombs and Dominic Weekly put one over his head at Hadrians Wall and blew it up until it burst.

It is weird that Dads Ghost thinks the word CONDOM is more dangerous than killing Uncle Alan but that is what makes me think Dads Ghost is really still Dad. The Machine has different types of condoms like RIBBED and TEXTURED and FRUIT FLAVOURS and VARIETY PACK which has CURRY FLAVOUR.

Condom is a weird word.

Condom.

Condom.

Condom.

Condom.

It is a bit like kingdom which is a land ruled by kings so a condom is a land ruled by cons!!!!!

A con is a lie.

I was going to kill Uncle Alan at the weekend because I had a new plan but I forgot I was going to Sunderland with Mum. So I had to wait until after which was OK because it was only one night and there was still some of the No Time left because Dads Birthday was miles away.

Sunderland is the worst part of England. It is where Mum comes from and where Nan lives. Mum always tells Nan to move near Newark but she doesnt want to. She wants to stay living in Sunderland and Mum always says Youre scared to go out of your house.

Nan says Its the same all over.

Mum says No Mam its not.

Nan says Anyhow I cant leave George.

George is Grandad and he died in 2002 on September the 10th but Nan always talks like he is still alive but she knows hes dead really.

Nan always loves me. I dont know why. I dont do anything. I just sit and eat biscuits. But she always smiles at me like sitting down and eating biscuits is a special trick.

It was Saturday and we got to her door at 11:00 and she opened the door at 11:05 and she gave me a hairy kiss.

Mum was a shoe done up tight with a double knot and it was because she was scared of telling Nan about Uncle Alan.

And Mum didnt talk about Uncle Alan at first. She talked about all the shops and houses near Nans house which are dead with wood over all the windows and Nan said Its the same all over.

Nan makes the days longer in her house. She checks to make sure with a clock. The clock is on a shelf over the fire. It is a round circle with Roman Numerals and gold round it and it is in a stand which is the shape of a grave. It is white and it has flowers and plants and butterflies painted on it and it goes TICK TOCK TICK TOCK all day but it is the slowest clock in the world and it stays 20 minutes past 12 for half an hour.

Nan does nothing all day just her cross stitch and her cross word and her cross face when she watches the news or the window when girls go by with babies.

Then when it was still 20 minutes past 12 Mum said about getting married to Uncle Alan and Nan laughed like it was a joke. But Nan never laughs so I think she knew it was real.

Mum said Mam Im being serious.

Nan said Oh aye pet of course.

Mum said Mam please. Listen. Were getting married.

Nan coughed over Mums words and said Its all on my chest. It wont come up.

She got a tissue out. She put it to her mouth and put gob and greenies in it. There was spit strings from her mouth to the tissue like wires on cable cars and then the strings snapped and went on the tissue and then she said Sorry pet?

Mum said Alans asked me to marry him and Ive said Yes.

Nan said nothing and then she said Never in the world.

Mum said Now I know what youre thinking.

Nan said Im not thinking anything.

Mum said You think its too soon.

Nan said A month? Why no.

Mum said Two months. Its been two months.

Nan said Well then two months. Why Im surprised you even remember your Brians name after two months.

Mum said Mam please.

Nan said Thats plenty of time for Brian to turn in his grave. And anyhow it makes perfect sense marrying his brother. I mean you wont even have to change your name.

Nan looked at me and then at Mum and her eyes went sharp and she said Youre going to do that to the poor lad?

Mum said Do what?

Nan said I feel heart sorry for the poor bairn.

I was a bairn now. I was a man after the funeral but I was a bairn now.

Mum said Mam dont.

Nan said His dad dies then you take up with his uncle I mean what are you trying to do to him?

Mum said Philip go and play in the yard.

I looked out of the glass windows in the patio and the white lines of the blind straight down like prison bars.

The yard is nothing and has nothing in it. Not even one ball. It looked cold and I looked at the sky with big clouds like brains and I said Its cold.

Nan looked at my T shirt and said He needs more than a T shirt in this weather.

Mum said Hes got a jacket.

Nan said Oh that flimsy thing. You might as well put him in a bin liner as make him wear that.

Mum said Its not as cold in Newark.

Nan said Oh aye. Youre practically at the pyramids in Newark. The Trent joins up with the Nile.

Mum said Philip go in the spare bedroom just for a minute while I talk to your nan.

So I went in the spare bedroom which is on the same floor because all of Nans house is on the same floor. It is a BunGaLow because Nan cant climb stairs because of her hip which is made of metal. The metal is called TITanium and if you got a really big magnet youd be able to get Nan to fly to it even if you put the magnet next to the wall and she was in the other room youd be able to get her to stick to the wall in the other room. If the magnet was high up it would lift her off the ground and she would be stuck to the wall and not be able to reach anything because the walls are thin like paper. Big white sheets of paper.

Nans metal hip makes her walk with a twisty face because it hurts. She has two metal walking sticks so she walks like she has four long legs like she is a crane fly on the water. She has a bad back as well.

She has ost something osis.

This means her back is like a question mark and she is shrinking. She used to be tall and now she is the same as me and one day we might come and Mum will say Wheres Nan gone?

She will be there on the carpet one centimetre tall saying Help help help Im shrinking and we might lose her again and Mum will say Wheres Nan gone now? And Ill check my shoes and Nan will be on my shoe stuck in my chewing gum going Help me help me Im stuck in the chewing gum.

Mums voice was getting louder and her words came out of the paper wall in whole pieces and they were Do you think its been easy for me? Its been terrible. Youve no idea. Brian left everything in a mess. I had no idea how much money he had borrowed. And how much the Pub was losing. He never bloody told me. And Ive had to deal with all this bank stuff on top of everything else. Philip getting into all sorts of trouble at school. Worrying me to death the way hes been going on. And Alans been so nice and hes been so kind and helped us out with money and

And then her words were getting quieter again and only coming out broken in half pieces ip ot ans ted ing and I couldnt mend them.

I tried to listen but there was another clock by the spare bed tick tock. It was next to the picture of Grandad which didnt look like Grandad because he was young and all grey. It was an old photograph of old times when everything was grey and smart and his eyes looked sad like he knew his future. Like he knew he was going to end up on the sofa all the time getting thinner because he couldnt eat without being sick.

And in between the clock tick tocking Mum was crying. She was always crying all the time now. I didnt know if the crying was about me or money or Dad. It was about me I think.

I looked out the window and there was nothing just the wall of Next Door.

I felt weird and I said Hello.

I dont know why I just wanted to hear my voice to check I was real but it didnt sound like my voice and the clock was getting louder TICK TOCK TICK TOCK and I got on the bed and lay down and the ceilings swervy circles started spinning round and my skin itched and things you dont think about like breathing in and out I was thinking about like if I stopped thinking about it Id stop breathing and the air was different air like Coke is different to Pepsi it was Cocacola air not Pepsi air and I said Hello again but my voice was still a long way from me.

My heart was doing its funny beating with no stops in it and I thought why am I me why am I not Mum why am I not the ticking clock why am I not a fish why am I not a loaf of bread why am I alive and most people are dead how do I know Im me how do I know Im alive and I thought it must be good to be dead not dead like Dads dead but to be nothing like when you sleep but then I thought it might be a bad sleep with lots of nightmares like the one I had last night when I was trapped in the black box and then my hand started shaking and I was scared why my hand was shaking and I thought I was going to die and I said Mum! Mum! Mum!

Mum came in and opened the door and her eyes were red and she looked at me and said Philip whats the matter?

And far away my voice said I dont know. I feel weird. I dont know my hands shaking.

And she came and felt my head and my heart and sat on the bed next to me and said Its OK its OK Philip youre just in a bit of a panic its OK.

And Nan was a crane fly in the door with her silver front legs and she was saying Dinny chew yourself up lad and Mum said Deep breaths Philip and I said Am I going to die? And she said No which was a lie but I think she meant Not right now and she said Now come on deep breaths and I sucked the Coca-cola air in big gulps and still felt empty and the clock was just getting louder