The DNA of Relationships (4 page)

We’re also actively praying for 100,000 churches to join us as we work to ignite the relationship revolution that will transform our country and our world. Could you be one of the leaders in your own church for whom we’re searching? If so, we promise to equip you through our Web site, through a series of resources currently under development, a radio program, and several other resources. You can read all about these connections in chapter 10 and the resources pages of this book. In short, we’ll be here for you until you understand this new message and can apply it easily in your life and relationships. We believe that we’ve found a relational gold mine, and we want you to profit from all its awesome riches.

More Excited Than Ever
In all my thirty-five years of ministry, the material in this book has taken me to a whole new level of understanding about how to help people in all of their most important relationships. If in the past you have found any help in what I’ve presented, then I promise that you’re going to find vastly more help in what you’re about to read.

As I said, God has called me to hunt for and discover what actually
works
in strengthening the relationships of couples, families, and singles. I don’t know how to say it any more strongly: the material in
The DNA of Relationships
works not just theoretically but practically. I’ve seen its effectiveness in the lives of hurting couples as well as in my
own
life, in my
own
marriage, in my
own
relationships with family, and in my
own
friendships.

Believe me, this new stuff
works
!

But it gets even better! Not only does it work, but it also makes relationships far
easier
than I’ve ever known them to be. Just think about that: better
and
easier! What we’re presenting here will not complicate your life. Much to the contrary, it will make it far simpler.

And how can you beat
that
?

JOIN THE ADVENTURE
Life is relationships; the rest is just details
.
¹

We would never write a book like this if we didn’t think God has shown us a better and easier way to build strong, satisfying relationships, able to bring joy for a lifetime. We’ve both seen and experienced how God can turn around disastrous relationships and bring them to a place of health, satisfaction, and joy.

Would you like to see and experience the same thing? Then join us. Hop aboard for what could be the most thrilling ride of your life. And let’s begin where all good rides start: at the beginning, at how God designed us. For without starting there, we’ll miss out on the full relationship experience God means us to have.

“A miracle!” That’s what people who’ve been through one of our intensives say after their experience, and it’s what we believe is going to create a relationship revolution in America today.

When you and I look around, we see countless relationships that need a miracle. Every day we see shattered relationships—husband and wives, parents and children, sisters and brothers, neighbors and coworkers who aren’t talking to each other, who intentionally or unintentionally hurt each other. You know what I’m talking about. We see people at home, at work, or at church, and even though they are smiling, we find that when we get really close to many of them, they are hurting and lonely. They are settling for mediocre relationships.

Relationship pain keeps growing in our country. Did you know that a very heartbreaking experience greets thousands of kids every day in America? Kids just like Jeremy.

“Daddy? Where are we going?” Jeremy asks excitedly about their afternoon date. He even checked out of school for this special occasion.

“We’re going to your favorite place, Son. McDonald’s, the one with that cool inside play place,” his dad replies. Daryl tries to inject some excitement into his voice to compensate for his heavy heart. Today is the day he needs to tell his son the bad news. He hopes taking Jeremy to one of his favorite hangouts will ease the pain of what his son will soon learn.

“Jeremy,” Daryl begins, taking in a deep breath. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but Mommy won’t be coming home tonight. She’s never coming home again.”

“Mommy not come home? Why not?” Jeremy whispers.

Daryl can’t bring himself to look into his son’s eyes. “You know that Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting along that well, so we’ve decided to get a divorce.”

“A divorce?” the seven-year-old asks, confused. “I don’t get to see Mommy anymore?”

“No son, it’s not like that. It’s just that you’ll have to visit Mommy at her new house from now on. She won’t be living with us anymore. She will be living at a different place with a different family now.”

“But, Daddy, what about our family? Why would Mommy leave me?” Jeremy sobs, pain seared on his face. “I don’t want Mommy to have a new family! What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t you ask me what I wanted?”

People like Daryl and Jeremy and the mother who left him are the main reason why I want to be a part of a national relationship revolution. There’s too much relational emptiness and pain just in our country alone. More than two thousand children every day hear what Jeremy heard. In ten years, that can translate into negatively affecting more than 7 million relationships. This has to stop!

I believe the best way to address this crisis is to understand how God designed us to live, to understand our relational DNA. Just as understanding our physical DNA reveals the mysteries of how our bodies work, understanding our relational DNA unlocks the miracles and mysteries of how our relationships work. After five years of watching the amazing miracles happen in our marriage intensives, we have concluded that people change as soon as they understand and apply themselves to what we are calling the basic DNA of all relationships. We discovered the DNA, first, by watching these miracles and, second, by seeing the same pattern in the story of the first humans. Later in this chapter, we’ll give you the third reason why we came up with the DNA of relationships.

We never see anyone who doesn’t want to be connected with others, to love and be loved, to share dreams and hopes, to be valued. Everyone longs for emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness and intimacy with others. Where does that longing come from? We believe it’s part of our relational DNA.

What is the DNA of relationships? It is simply the genetic relationship code with which we were created. It’s our relational hardwiring. It’s the unalterable, immutable relationship truth that is true for all people, for all times. We’ve never seen the exception.

To help you understand how we came up with the DNA of relationships, we want to take you back to the beginning, to the oldest story of mankind, Adam and Eve, which is really the story of us.

The Story of Us
Adam was the first person created. He must have felt a harmonious connectedness to his environment and an intimate connectedness to God. The Garden of Eden was a true paradise, a safe place to exist. There was no war, famine, natural catastrophes, or sin. But Adam felt not only safe and at peace with God but also at peace with himself. Adam was confident of his place in the universe. God gave Adam everything he needed: work to do, a close relationship with his Creator, everything he needed to take care of himself.

While we have no record that Adam complained about his condition in the pristine Garden, something was, in fact, missing. Even though Adam’s relationship to God was very fulfilling, God wanted to give Adam something even more—a human companion, a human connectedness. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
¹

We can only imagine how Adam might have responded when he first saw Eve. I suspect he felt an irresistible longing for her, for a deeper intimacy than their physical senses could experience. For God had planted deep within them a desire for an emotional and physical connection, a bonding of the inner spirit, an intimate attachment of the soul called
human relationship
.

The rest of the story is familiar to everyone. God gave Adam and Eve responsibility over everything else he had made and allowed them unlimited access to the fruit of the tree of life in the center of the Garden. Life was very good for Adam and Eve. They were safe and deeply satisfied in their relationships with God and each other.

There was only one catch. God told them not to eat any fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But the deceiver convinced them otherwise. He told them that if they ate the fruit from the tree, they would be like God. Wanting the same wisdom and power as God, Adam and Eve chose to disregard God’s instructions, and they chose what they thought was the better deal.

The next time God came walking in the Garden to spend time with them, Adam and Eve hid from him because they were ashamed and afraid of the consequences of their actions.
²
When God questioned them, Adam pointed the finger at Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. Neither was willing to take responsibility.

Adam and Eve’s choice changed everything. Gone was the harmonious relationship they had enjoyed with God. Gone was the satisfying relationship with each other. Their relationships were shattered. And as a result we have been struggling with shattered relationships ever since.

The DNA Code
Everything we need to know about the DNA of relationships is encoded in this story. The relationship DNA code is made up of three simple yet profound strands:

1.You are made for relationships.
2.You are made with the capacity to choose.
3.You are made to take responsibility for yourself.

While these sound simple—and they are—understanding them could revolutionize your life and your relationships. That’s what this book is about—applying these three profound concepts to the relationship problems you’re facing right now.

We still see people who show up at our marriage intensives with the attitudes Adam and Eve had. When people exclude God and try to navigate their own way through the relationship maze, we see much more fear prevalent in their lives. But we have also found that relationships change the fastest and easiest when people understand the relational DNA and apply the principles to their relationships.

1. YOU ARE MADE FOR RELATIONSHIPS
The other day, I received a letter from a young man who had gotten back together with his girlfriend after a difficult conflict and a terrible fight. Eric had been working through some things at our counseling centers, and it apparently had helped him and his girlfriend, and they got back together. Eric’s closing sentence was, “Sometimes I feel that I can’t live with her, and yet I know I can’t live without her.”

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS
1. You are made for relationships.
2. You are made with the capacity to choose.
3. You are made to take responsibility for yourself.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

How often do we hear that said? Well, there’s a reason for that. It’s the DNA: You are made to need relationships. Even when they are hard, difficult, or just plain frustrating, you need relationships. It’s the way you are wired. You have a longing to belong to someone, to be wanted and cherished for the valued person you are.

Relationships are not an option. From the moment you’re born, you’re in relationship with parents. Soon you’re in relationship with other children. Later you have relationships in the workplace, and you develop relationships with close friends. And eventually most people develop a relationship with someone they deeply love.

When a relationship becomes difficult or painful, we tend to dismiss the relationship and may for a while try to abandon all relationships. But eventually we come back and seek connection once again.

While we can choose
how
we will participate in relationships, we have no choice about
whether
we will participate in them. This is a critical point. Your only real choice is whether you will work to make your relationships healthy, whether you will do things that hinder or enhance them.

Let’s look more closely at the components of the first strand of the DNA of relationships. Encoded in the Adam and Eve story is this relationship truth:
You are made for three kinds of relationships—with others, with yourself, and with God.
This design feature is true for all of us—whether or not we recognize it and whether or not we act in line with it. It just
is.
When you map this out, it looks like this:

Most people understand how they’re in relationship to others. Many people don’t really understand how they’re in relationship to themselves (which is a key problem in making sense of all relationships). And some people don’t want to admit they’re in relationship to God. But they are.

* YOU ARE MADE FOR THREE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS: WITH OTHERS, WITH YOURSELF, AND WITH GOD. *

As we will see, each of these relationships is not only important, but each is intricately interrelated. If one relationship is out of balance, the others will be affected.

What’s exciting is that we can unravel the secrets of this DNA code and by doing so discover the answers to our relationship problems.

You Have a Relationship with Others
You are created for relationships with others. That seems like a no-brainer. We all have relationships—with family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, teammates, and others. What are your relationships like? Are they strong, satisfying, nurturing, respectful, and exciting? Or are they disappointing, strained, distant, painful, and frustrating? You probably have some of both. If you accept the DNA truth that you are made for relationships with others, every chapter in this book will help you build more loving and healthy relationships. It requires a lifetime of necessary but satisfying work.

Not long ago I was on a plane to San Francisco for a relationship conference. A woman recognized me, introduced herself, and mentioned that she had used some of the videotapes I did some years back. Sarah thanked me for helping her through a difficult time. Expecting to hear a success story, I asked her how the relationship was going now.

Sarah hesitated, then simply said, “Well, that relationship ended awhile ago.”

“Sorry to hear that,” I said. “What was the problem?”

This time she didn’t hesitate: “The problem was
him.
He didn’t really respect me.”

“I see,” I responded.

“I’m in another relationship now. This one’s better.” Sarah laughed. “He’s got problems too, but this one’s better.”

Sarah’s story is really not that remarkable. And that’s the point. Her situation is a common one, repeated in many lives over and over: “The problem was
him
.” Sadly, if Sarah doesn’t learn, she’ll soon start blaming the new man in her life for her unhappiness.

Does this sound at all familiar? Things haven’t changed much through the millennia. It’s the same blame game that Adam and Eve played, pointing to the other person as the source of the problem.

What about your troubled relationships? Do you hear yourself making similar statements about the other people? Do you see the problems as their fault?

Most psychologists and counselors recognize this basic relationship truth:
It’s never just about the other person.
If the problem were always the other person, then we wouldn’t have counselors and therapists. We’d hire a “relationship repairperson” and send him or her over to the other person’s house!

* IT’S NEVER JUST ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON. *

I want you to think about this: The problem you have with another person is often a problem you have with yourself. Now, you may be talking back at me, saying, “No, Gary, I have to tell you, this other person really is bad and did me wrong.”