The DNA of Relationships (6 page)

But God also made you for a relationship with himself. He offers you love, acceptance, forgiveness, value, growth, satisfaction, and honor. He equips you with everything you need for a meaningful life and satisfying relationships. He offers you life to the fullest.
⁵
We have found that the people in our intensives came alive as soon as they included God in the camera viewfinder.

Again, as soon as the people in our marriage intensives realize that they need a relationship with God, they begin to gain the perspective and power to change. Also, when they look to God for their fulfillment, it takes the pressure off of their spouses, children, and friends to fulfill them.

As I mentioned, sometimes when you look at yourself through the camera lens, what you see isn’t pretty. Or other times it’s too rosy. How do you make sure that in seeing yourself and others through the camera lens, you are getting an accurate picture?

Well, that’s another relationship truth:
Get God’s lens if you want a healthy view of your relationships.

* GET GOD’S LENS FOR A HEALTHY VIEW OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. *

In other words, you have to get your lens from God. His lens is the most accurate, never portraying you better than you should appear but always showing the true beauty inside you. And God sees you as you really are.

In the bestseller
The Purpose-Driven Life
, Rick Warren describes how God sees you:

You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature…Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. He thought of you first…He custom-made your body just the way he wanted it. He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality…Most amazing, God decided
how
you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you. It doesn’t matter whether your parents were good, bad, or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed
exactly
the right genetic makeup to create the custom “you” he had in mind. They had the DNA God wanted to make you…God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes. He has a reason for everything he creates…God was thinking of you even
before
he made the world…This is how much God loves and values you!
⁶

Do you believe that description? Do you believe that God loves you and values you? Do you know that you are precious to him?
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Do you believe that he accepts you and forgives you? Are you convinced that you are of great worth to him?
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If you want to strengthen your relationship to God, see appendix A: How to Have a Relationship with God.

It’s no accident that AA and other addiction programs talk about a higher power. It is not surprising that faith-based programs across the country work in changing the lives and relationships of people in prisons. These are based on the reality that God loves us and provides us with the empowerment to live life to the fullest. They are based on this same relationship truth of getting people to look at life, themselves, and all their relationships through the honest and loving lens of God.

When you have a healthy relationship with God, you are in the best position to see yourself as he sees you, which will result in a healthier relationship with yourself. When your relationship with God is out of balance, you can’t see yourself properly and you lack the power to change or enjoy life as he intended. And it’s more complicated when the other person also has an unhealthy relationship with God. Then neither of you is seeing yourself clearly. What happens then is that you begin to react to each other for the wrong reasons—sometimes with an inflated sense of who you are, and other times with a deflated sense of who you are. If neither of you can see yourself accurately, how do you expect the relationship to work?

All three DNA relationships are interrelated. When one is out of balance, the other two suffer. When you do something to strengthen one, the other two become stronger too.

* ALL THREE RELATIONSHIPS MUST BE IN BALANCE. *

Let me give you the third reason why we came up with this DNA concept. We recognized that the God-yourself-others relationships are also part of the Great Commandment: “ ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”
⁹
This New Testament teaching underscores what we see in the DNA: Our relationship with God is the first and greatest relationship, and our ability to love others is related to our ability to love ourselves. These three relationships seemed to be a part of our genetic makeup.

2. YOU ARE MADE WITH THE CAPACITY TO CHOOSE
Already you can see how the DNA strands weave themselves into your relationships. You have seen how you are hardwired for relationships—with others, with yourself, and with God.

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DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS
1. You are made for relationships.
2. You are made with the capacity to choose.
3. You are made to take responsibility for yourself.

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The DNA also reminds you that God created you with the capacity to choose. You can’t always choose your relationships—you didn’t choose your parents or your siblings or your children—but you
can
choose how you will act in those relationships.

One of the statements we often hear from people who are in troubled relationships is, “I have no choice!”

• Two sisters have heated arguments, and the older one vows she will not speak to the younger sister until she apologizes. She fumes, “I have no choice!”
  
• A husband is unfaithful, and the wife files for divorce, all the while crying, “I have no choice!”
  
• A man feels betrayed by his colleague, and he shuts down the relationship, claiming, “I have no choice!”
  
• A person on a church committee repeatedly is offended by another committee member’s opinions. He gets so frustrated that he resigns from the committee, saying, “I have no choice!”
  

God gave you the power to choose. So when it comes to how you will respond in a relationship that has hit some rough waters, never tell yourself “I have no choice!” That’s a lie. The truth is, you
do
have a choice. Lots of choices.

• Will you choose to stay stuck in a relationship—or will you determine to work through the problem areas?
  
• Will you choose to hold on to your resentment—or will you choose to face that resentment and find freedom from it?
  
• Will you choose to hurt the other person when he or she hurts you—or will you choose to look beyond the hurt to the deeper problem—possibly one in yourself?
  
• Will you choose to run when a relationship gets sticky—or will you choose to honor the relationship by facing the problem?
  
• Will you choose to look at yourself through a distorted lens—or will you choose to see yourself as God sees you?
  

In counseling people from across the country, I am constantly amazed at how powerful it is when a person makes a choice. I guess I am amazed because I am aware of how hard it is for people to change.

This is another profound truth:
Choice equals change.
Making a choice is often difficult because it requires change. And that change can be threatening.

* CHOICE EQUALS CHANGE. *

Samantha and John had been dating for two years. Samantha wanted to get married, but John was dragging his feet. She became frustrated after a time and threatened to break it off. John didn’t want to lose her, but he didn’t want to marry, as he put it, “just yet.” He sought advice, and after a while, Samantha joined him in a counseling session.

As the couple talked with the counselors, Samantha revealed that she felt John didn’t really love her. John revealed that when she kept bringing up marriage in conversation, he felt trapped—precisely the thing that worried him about marriage. It turned out that John’s parents had been married all their lives but hadn’t really loved each other. John didn’t want a marriage like that for himself. Truth was, he really did love Samantha—deeply. But he didn’t want a loveless marriage.

In the course of pointing the camera lens at himself and seeking to know more about God’s lens and view of himself, John learned more about what was going on inside him. Samantha did the same, realizing more of John’s inner struggle and seeing how her own urgency toward marriage was hurting the situation.

What it came down to was that John had to make a choice.

Sometimes it just comes down to that. You have to take control of your life, stop being a victim of your past, and start moving on to something new. You have to make a choice. You have to change. Even when the change is scary.

Fortunately John did. He chose, despite his inner fears, to ask Samantha to marry him. He chose to change. His choice was a sign of growth and maturity. It made possible a step in a whole new life direction. John and Samantha were married within the year.

One of the things John said later is so profound. “I realized,” he said, “that if I didn’t choose to marry Samantha, that was the same thing as making a choice. By ‘not choosing,’ I was choosing against her, choosing that I wasn’t going to have her in my life. I couldn’t bear that.”

* NOT CHOOSING IS ITSELF A CHOICE. *

The mistake so many of us make in our relationships is to think that if we just let things stay as they are, if we can postpone making a choice, making a change, then we can get through a difficult experience. We fail to understand that by not making critical choices we
are
choosing. By not doing anything, we force change to be done to us.

What will you choose?
You will hear that question throughout this book as a reminder of the second strand in the DNA of relationships. The big question remains in the spotlight: Will you choose to act in ways that hinder or enhance your relationships? The choice you make will affect everything about your life.

I think that the most exciting part of knowing I am made with the capacity to choose is that all of my
thoughts
determine all of my
actions
and
emotions
. It doesn’t matter what others do to me or what circumstances I face everyday, I determine all of my feelings, sad or happy, by what I
choose
to think and how I
choose
to react to what happens to me. I love that freedom. When you get to chapter 4, you’ll see that your daily thoughts determine everything about you.

3. YOU ARE MADE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF
We said at the beginning of this chapter that the story of Adam and Eve is the story of us. They were made to take responsibility for themselves. But after they chose to disregard God’s instructions, they also violated their DNA. When faced with the consequences of their choices, neither Adam nor Eve was willing to take responsibility. Each pointed the finger and blamed someone else. We’re like that. When we find ourselves in a relationship difficulty, we point the finger at the other person. It’s
him.
It’s
her.

One of the key messages throughout this book is our need to take personal responsibility for our actions and choices. Unfortunately, it’s a message that is new for many people. It’s far too easy for us to slip into the pattern set way back in the Garden of Eden: blame the other person.

It’s the pattern Carlos and Andrea know too well. During the five years of their marriage, Andrea has managed the household budget and finances. Carlos works in construction, and she teaches third grade in the public school. Together they make a decent living, but they don’t have much extra at the end of the month. Carlos spends money on movies, DVDs, and computer games, and Andrea struggles to make ends meet.