The DNA of Relationships (8 page)

2. Erin
wants.
She wants to be validated, to have Greg value her feelings, ideas, and pain. She wants him to value the fact that she felt left out of a decision that ultimately caused her physical pain and broke her collection of figurines. She wants her husband to meet her needs. She sees him not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all her wants. She wants Greg to change his behavior so that she doesn’t feel invalidated anymore.

3. Erin
fears.
When Erin senses Greg’s unwillingness and inability to fulfill those wants, she fears that she will be invalidated. Ultimately, she fears loss of connection from Greg. She thinks,
If he doesn’t value who I am, what I do, or how I feel, then maybe he won’t want to be around me
.

4. Erin
reacts.
Out of her fear, Erin reacts and starts shouting at Greg. She demands, “Why did you move our bedroom around without asking me first?” She continues to shout at him, belittling him, and criticizing him. She chooses all of her words simply to get him to change his behavior because she is convinced that he is her problem.

Now let’s take a look at what happens in Greg as Erin is reacting to her hurt, wants, and fear.

1. Greg
hurts.
When Erin starts to bombard Greg with questions and criticism, he feels hurt. He can’t understand why she can’t see that the whole thing was an accident. Something he intended to be good is suddenly turning into a disaster. He feels hurt.

2. Greg
wants
. He wants to feel successful as a husband. He wants his wife to fulfill his wants, to help him feel successful. He sees her not only as the cause of their problem but also as the solution to all his wants.

3. Greg
fears.
When Greg senses that Erin is unwilling to help him feel successful, he
fears
that he is a failure. He thinks,
I’m a lousy husband. I hurt my wife; I can’t do anything right.

4.Greg
reacts.
Out of his fear, Greg reacts by shouting back because he feels like a failure. He wants Erin to change her behavior so that he doesn’t keep feeling like a failure. She is his problem. “Erin, I didn’t know that you want me to ask your permission before I move furniture. If you want me to check things out with you before, you need to let me know these things. I’m not a mind reader. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? What happened, happened. It was just an accident. You’re not perfect, either.” All of his words further invalidate her. And the dance goes on and on.

Your Fear Dance
To make sure you understand the dance, let’s take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

1. You
hurt.
What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.

2. You
want
. When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, focusing on the children or other things will make you forget your troubles, drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied: if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.

Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think,
If only my spouse would change
. Or,
If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work
. Or,
If only she would just…
Or,
If only my friends would…
The end of that sentence is always:
then I could be happy.

*  DON’T EXPECT THE OTHER PERSON TO BE YOUR SOLUTION.  *

Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words:
misplaced expectations
. When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.

OUR WANTS

• ACCEPTANCE—I want to be warmly received without condition.
  
• GRACE—I want something good (e.g., forgiveness) that I don’t deserve.
  
• CONNECTION—I want to be united to others.
  
• COMPANIONSHIP—I want deep, intimate relationships.
  
• SUCCESS—I want to achieve or accomplish something.
  
• SELF-DETERMINATION—I want to have independence and free will.
  
• UNDERSTANDING—I want to be known.
  
• LOVE—I want to feel attractive to others.
  
• VALIDATION—I want to be valued for who I am.
  
• COMPETENCE—I want to have skills and ability that bring success.
  
• RESPECT—I want to be admired and esteemed.
  
• WORTH—I want to feel important.
  
• HONOR—I want to feel like a priceless treasure.
  
• COMMITMENT—I want to have unconditional security in relationships.
  
• SIGNIFICANCE—I want to have meaning and purpose.
  
• ATTENTION—I want to be noticed.
  
• COMFORT—I want to feel a sense of well-being.
  
• SUPPORT—I want to be cared for.
  
• APPROVAL—I want to be liked and accepted.
  
• WANTED—I want to be sought after.
  
• SAFETY—I want to feel protected and secure.
  
• AFFECTION—I want to feel fondness and warmth.
  
• TRUST—I want to have faith in others.
  
• HOPE—I want confidence that I will get what I love and desire.
  
• JOY—I want to feel satisfied and happy.
  

3. You
fear.
Through thousands of marriage intensives, both at our counseling centers and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears. Think about your own troubled relationships. You want to connect, but you fear you’re not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you’re not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless.

Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants? When you feel your wants won’t be fulfilled, you experience fear:

Even though we have listed twenty-five wants and fears here, Greg and Bob’s team found that all of our deepest desires stem from our desires for connection and control. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.

4. You
react.
If you are like most people, you—consciously and unconsciously—fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt. You’ll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.

More often than not, your emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.

You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way—to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it’s not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you
choose
to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.

Is the Fear Dance All Bad?
Many people say to us, “The Fear Dance may not be the best dance, but sometimes it makes me feel better. How can that be bad?” Many of our unhealthy coping behaviors—our reactions—serve an “adaptive” purpose. While they may in fact damage the relationship, they do make us feel better, at least to a degree.

Take withdrawal, for example. Many men withdraw when their fear button gets pushed. They don’t want to yell and scream, but they also don’t want to allow their button to get pushed repeatedly. So what do they do? They leave. They hop on a motorcycle or head to the garage. Or maybe they just disappear behind a newspaper they’ve already read.

However they do it, they take themselves out of the conflict by fleeing, either physically or emotionally. By doing this, they’re trying to protect themselves—but that very act harms the relationship and causes it to deteriorate. Withdrawing almost always taps a woman’s fear of disconnection…and so the dance continues.

Withdrawal, of course, is only one of the ways we react when our fear button gets pushed. The chart shows some of the most common ways we react when we fear that our wants will not be met.

We All Do the Fear Dance
The Fear Dance happens in every relationship because all of us have inherited the sinful legacy of the Garden. And it doesn’t take long to get going. The Fear Dance can move into full swing in mere moments. How quick and subtle it is!