The DNA of Relationships (20 page)

In just this way, effective communication benefits not only the ones with whom we want to connect but also ourselves. It lets us know we’re “real.” Still, the primary beneficiary is the one who sees how his or her pain genuinely affects us.

Does this sound like a lot of work? Do you think it makes more sense just to make a decision, without really understanding what the other person is feeling? Be careful! Just making a quick decision will not solve your problem. When people don’t feel understood and cared for, they may “agree” to some decision, but they won’t get on board with it. Relationally, it doesn’t feel to them like a satisfying or effective solution. And in the end, you’ll have to talk about these things all over again.

Listening Does Not Equal Agreement
Some people—again, men in particular—hesitate to use this method of effective communication because they confuse it with the idea that they’ll have to do what the other person wants them to do. Some also hesitate because by talking this way, they feel they are agreeing with the other person or they might be exposed to guilt if too many feelings come out during the conversation.

But I can really care about how a person is feeling, even if I do not agree with what that person is saying. When I see that Norma is hurting, I can make it clear that it matters to me that she hurts. True, she might falsely believe that something I said or did caused her hurt, even if I didn’t really do or say it. But her misperception does not keep me from caring about her pain. When I allow her pain to affect me, it’s not the same thing as saying, “I hurt because I see what I did to you.” She hurts, and I want to understand and give comfort.

When I say, “Norma, I really understand that you are hurting, that this has wounded you,” I am not necessarily saying, “Norma, I agree with you, and I was wrong.” Rather, I am saying, “I could tell that this really hurt you, and your feelings mean the world to me. I care how you feel!”

At other times some of us shy away from effective communication because we feel very vulnerable in the presence of deep emotion. We feel out of control. We don’t know where or how deep it is going to take us—and we fear being out of control.

But when we refuse to go to that place, it makes us seem uncaring. Remember Steve Brown’s friend? When we refuse to allow the feelings of the other to affect us emotionally, we seem uncaring. And no relationship will grow when the other person thinks we don’t care.

Let’s take this a little further. When we say things like, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” we are really saying, “I don’t care how you are feeling. Your feelings are wrong; they should be different.” And who feels cared for by someone who says, “I don’t care how you feel”?

Perhaps the communication method I’m proposing sounds risky to you. Maybe it makes you feel far too vulnerable. I feel that way sometimes. But even though it’s a risk, I know I can do it. Why? Because I have already chosen to take responsibility for myself. I already have attended to my own self-care. And you know what? I find that I multiply my ability to care for others a hundredfold when I know that I have taken good care of myself. Had I let that slip, it
would
seem too risky. It
would
throw me into a tailspin. That’s why we talked about the Power of One and Self-Care before we got here. It really does make all the difference.

Effective communication makes room for people to actually feel what the other is feeling. This communication method allows people to understand their heart and to be okay with dipping into their emotions.

A Dynamic Process of Discovery
My colleague Bob Paul likes to say, “Effective communication is a dynamic process of discovery that maintains energy in the relationship.” And what does that mean? Let’s look at each part of his sentence.

First, effective communication is
dynamic
. It changes. It shifts and wiggles and squirms and jumps and turns. It never stands still; that’s why you can’t plug somebody’s words into an electronic translator and come out with a perfect understanding of the intended message. That’s also why you have to pay careful attention during the conversation. If you take a break, the conversation may move on and you may miss something. It’s
dynamic
.

The other day my friend Jim was asking me about using my John Deere tractor, and he told me about his son, who is moving to Oklahoma City for his doctoral residency. My friend was feeling good that his son would be so close to our hometown. Then Jim mentioned how happy he was about seeing his grandson more often. He started tearing up while sharing a deep feeling about his grandkids. All of Jim’s grandparents died before he could remember them. He has always felt cheated by that experience. As he was telling this story, I wondered if it was related to our recent conversation about his increased travel at our company. So I asked him, “Jim, you seemed to react to me the other day when we talked about increasing your travel time.” Then the tears started flowing. He admitted that his need to be with his grandkids more often was so strong that he didn’t want to travel more often. Finally I understood where the reaction came from, and we started working on how to free his schedule instead of increasing his travel. That is what we mean by dynamic.

* “EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS A DYNAMIC PROCESS OF DISCOVERY THAT MAINTAINS ENERGY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.” *

Second, effective communication is a
process
. If you see communication as a destination rather than a process, you will miss things. Important things get communicated along the way, things that would never come out if you approached the conversation as a set-in-stone collection of words and sentences that tell you everything you need to know. As a process, effective communication takes time—just like the process of making homemade ice cream. Do you simply throw eggs and sugar and cream and flavorings in a chilled bowl and drink the concoction? You could if you wanted to, but you wouldn’t be getting ice cream. Real ice cream—the delicious kind—gets made only when you follow a certain process. And if you cut short the process, you spoil the dessert. The same is true with effective communication. It’s a
process
.

Third, effective communication leads to
discovery
. Through it, you learn things you didn’t know before and couldn’t have guessed. Real communication does not occur when you “skip ahead” and try to predict what the other person is going to say next. It shuts down when you pretend to listen but really are deciding how best to respond. People discover things when they open their ears and eyes and allow what’s happening around them to clue them in to something they didn’t know before.

You might say to the other person, “I really want to learn about you, about how you are feeling. I want to learn about what God is doing in this.” Be genuinely interested in learning about what is going on and about the other person’s emotions.

Interestingly, when you see communication primarily as a dynamic process of discovery rather than one of solving problems, you often solve the problems almost by default. Sometimes you find that the solutions are much less important to the other person than feeling understood and cared for. Often, this understanding alone ends the conflict, even without finding a “solution.” We make exciting finds in communication when we treat it as a process of
discovery
.

Last, effective communication
maintains energy in the relationship
. That’s psychologist-speak to say that it keeps things between the two of you fun, exciting, satisfying, and healthy. When you learn to communicate with each other at a heart level, you experience more of what God made you to be. You feel more vibrant. Life seems more intriguing. You wake up eager to charge into the world and share your experiences with the ones you love. You find energy you never had before and thank God that he gave you breath.

A friend of mine, Dr. Bob Burbee, illustrates for me the “discovery factor” of this powerful model of effective communication. Several years ago Bob and his wife, Mary Jo, were trying to decide whether they should have more children. At the time they had a five-year-old daughter, Erin, and a three-year-old son, Tyler.

One day Mary Jo asked, “What about having another baby?” From Bob’s perspective, they already had the perfect family. It made no sense to him to threaten family harmony with more children. Mary Jo, on the other hand, really wanted another child and wouldn’t let the issue drop. Consequently, they got locked into a conflict and made no progress for months.

Finally, on a holiday road trip, they experienced a breakthrough. When the subject of more children came up, Bob started thinking,
Here we go again
—but something prompted him to think,
What if I listen to Mary Jo as if I were listening to her for the very first time?

As Bob chose to set aside his own agenda, he began to hear some things Mary Jo had probably tried to tell him before. She described what it meant to her to be a mom. She spoke of the fulfillment and sense of personal worth and self-esteem she derived from loving and caring for their children. She said she thought of motherhood as a divine calling and expressed her desire to mother more than two children.

“It began to dawn on me,” Bob said, “that being a mother to her was very different from what being a father was to me. Being a good husband and father are important to me, and I have always felt committed to the role and responsibility of being a loving father. Still, if I were truly honest, my sense of self-esteem and accomplishment are not so tightly attached to my role as father as they are to Mary Jo’s role as a mother.”

This insight helped Bob understand why Mary Jo couldn’t let go of the issue. As his perspective grew, the issue took on new complexity. And something else—something very interesting—happened as they continued to talk.

“Maybe my efforts to really understand Mary Jo inspired her to try to understand my feelings as well,” Bob said. “I described my anxiety about not having enough of me to go around with more children in the family. I described the additional strain on our finances and the changes to our lifestyle. We had just gotten out of the ‘diaper stage,’ and the thought of starting that again did not appeal to me.”

By the end of Bob and Mary Jo’s drive, they had not made a decision, but their relationship had moved to a new and better place. Think about that! On the surface, this issue looked as if it required a final decision: they either would have more children or they wouldn’t. But remember, the problem is rarely the problem. Bob and Mary Jo discovered that trying to make a decision had resulted only in more conflict and a stalemate. When they stopped trying to “solve” the problem and simply worked at understanding each other’s emotional state, their relationship took several steps forward.

“The resolution came,” Bob said, “not in making a decision but in allowing ourselves to truly understand each other’s emotions, and then letting that understanding shape us so the issue took on a new, more complete definition.”

Eventually, Bob and Mary Jo did resolve their difference—but you’ll have to wait until the next chapter to find out what happened!

Complex, Not Simple
“I don’t think this relationship is going to work out,” Cyndi tells Chuck. “I wanted to go to Hereford’s Steak House yesterday, and you took me to Shrimp’s Seafood instead.”

“Wait a minute,” Chuck replies, dumbfounded. “You want to break up with me because we went to the wrong
restaurant
?”

“Of course not,” Cyndi answers. “But see there? You did it again.”

“I did
what
again?”

“Oh, honestly! You just don’t understand me! How could we be right for each other if you don’t ‘get’ me?”

“But I asked you yesterday where you wanted to eat. You said you didn’t care!”

“
Please
! You shouldn’t have to ask. You should just know. I can’t be with someone who seems unable to catch perfectly obvious hints. Good-bye, Chuck.”

Have you ever overheard a conversation anything like this? Maybe you’ve been involved in one, either on the giving or receiving end. It reflects a very common reason why many people fail at healthy, positive relationships. They fail because they believe that effective communication between people in a relationship should be simple. Easy. Effortless.

It’s not! Actually, it is quite complex. And it takes a lot of hard work. But, trust me, it is worth every second of effort!

Many of us get really frustrated with each other when a misunderstanding arises. We even get angry, as if the other person intentionally did something stupid or purposefully failed to “get it.”

I remember a situation at the site where I was to give a talk some years ago. When I arrived at the auditorium, I found a very messy stage. I rushed around, trying to get everything straightened out and prepared. Soon I noticed a woman sitting in the auditorium, all alone. I tried, very politely, to recruit her help. I told her I was in a rush and asked for her assistance. She smiled and nodded her head. I thanked her, turned around, and started cleaning again.

But in a couple of minutes when I looked out from the stage, I saw the woman still sitting there.
What is this woman’s problem?
I wondered. Irritated, I stopped and got her attention. Once more I appealed to her again to help me, and once more she smiled, nodded…and continued to sit where she was.

Finally I quietly lost patience with her and started to walk off when I heard her say something in Spanish. It had never occurred to me that we might be using completely different languages!

In real life, sadly, misunderstandings come even when we speak the same language. If we forget that effective communication is a complex process that takes a great deal of work, we can easily find ourselves getting angry with the other person and wondering how he or she can be so dense.

It helps to remember that we are the only creatures on earth who, as far as we know, communicate with the kind of sophistication that characterizes human interaction. Every time we hear a word or sentence, we have to go through an amazing process of interpretation. Human language can be imprecise; words have so many meanings. Body language and other nonverbal signals convey huge meaning, but we miss much of it. The chance of misunderstanding is enormous.