The DNA of Relationships (23 page)

You tend to relax when winning becomes finding and implementing a solution that both people can feel good about. Why? Because you don’t have to worry that the other person will accept a solution that makes him or her feel bad.

“At times I’ve gotten so focused on what I wanted that, after a while, I beat Jenni down,” Bob admits. “Eventually she wore out and gave up. But it always catches me when she says, ‘Okay, just go ahead and do it.’

“I’ll respond, ‘Do you feel as if you’re losing here?’

“ ‘Well, yes,’ she’ll say, ‘but I’m just too tired to keep tussling.’

“ ‘Jenni, I’m sorry. That’s not okay. I’m sorry I let it go that way. Rather than just drop it, I’d like us to keep at this thing until we come up with something that both of us feel good about.’ ”

Is Bob being merely kind or altruistic when he walks down this road? Hardly. He realizes it’s the only way he can win. He’s part of a team, and everyone on a team either wins or loses together.

Working Together
Even though the Bible doesn’t talk about what our culture calls team sports, it does have a lot to say about working together for a common goal. Rather than using the image of a team, it draws on the picture of a body to convey the same idea. The apostle Paul wrote, “There should be no division in the body, but…its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”
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Imagine what would happen if your body tried to function according to the rules of a win-lose system. Suppose your heart and your kidneys got into a heated debate about which one most needed a steady blood supply, winner take all.

“Hey, I pump blood through the whole body,” declares the heart. “Without me, every organ dies—including you!”

“That may be,” retorts the kidneys, “but if the blood doesn’t go through me, all you accomplish with your incessant pumping is to poison the entire system. And then guess who dies?”

Silly? Of course it is. Does it really matter who “wins” the debate? Because both the heart and the kidneys live as part of a single body, what affects one affects them both. The heart cannot “win” at the expense of the kidneys any more than the kidneys can “win” at the expense of the heart. They
have
to find a win-win solution because a win-lose solution is nothing but a loss. Could the heart “win” its debate by arguing that the body would die almost immediately without its services? Maybe. But if the kidneys lost and shut down, both organs will die anyway—and in a great deal of pain.

In a relationship there is no such thing as a win-lose solution. There is either win-win or lose-lose. No other options exist.

*  IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS EVERYONE WINS.*

The apostle Paul labored to get his young churches to understand this basic principle. In passage after passage he pled with them to cooperate, to work together, to find solutions that benefited everyone. He told one church, “Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing.”
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His advice is a no-losers policy. When we commit ourselves to implementing such a cooperative strategy in all our significant relationships, we set ourselves up for success. In other words, we all win!

Different Dynamics for Different Relationships
Even though the no-losers policy applies to every successful relationship, it does not apply in exactly the same way. Why not? Because different kinds of relationships—husband-wife, parent-child, employer-employee, teacher-student, supervisor-volunteer, friend-friend—have different starting points and different ground rules.

Consider marriage, for example, the closest kind of relationship that two humans can enjoy. In marriage a man and a woman come together before God and pledge themselves to one another in a binding commitment of love, what the Bible calls a “covenant.” As we noted earlier, God considers a husband and a wife “united into one.”
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Jesus explicitly said, “They are no longer two but one.”
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In the case of marriage, then, we can apply the no-losers policy quite literally. If either husband or wife loses in a given situation, the relationship always loses. Since they are no longer two but one, they
have
to find win-win solutions. They have no other option if they want to enjoy relationship success.

The scene shifts a little, however, for other kinds of relationships. Other types of relationships do not involve the kind of “two becoming one” that marriage does. Therefore, while the no-losers policy cannot always be applied literally, it should always be applied in spirit. In
every
relationship you can make it your explicit goal that both people in the relationship feel good about a decision or course of action—even though you might occasionally fall short of your goal. The very existence of the goal, however, improves the relationship.

Think of the relationship between a parent and a child. The parent has legitimate, God-given power and authority that the child does not, and therefore that parent may have to make some decisions that the child may dislike. But what happens when a son knows that his dad considers both of them on the same team and that he wants both of them to win? What happens when a daughter knows that her mom wants, as much as possible, to find solutions that they both can support? What happens when the kids hear, “I want you to know that I am going to try hard to come up with a solution that you can feel good about, and I won’t feel satisfied with something that you don’t feel good about”?

I know a dad who occasionally says to his kids, “I know you really like this idea, but I have to tell you that, as a caring father, this does not feel good to me. This concerns me, and in good conscience I can’t let it happen. Let’s see if we can come up with something else, and we’ll just keep at it until we find a solution that works for all of us.” Sometimes they can’t come up with a plan that suits all of them, and my friend has to say, “I’m sorry, but right now it doesn’t seem as if we can come up with anything. So therefore I am going to have to make a decision, even though you may not like it.” You wouldn’t believe what a positive effect it has on these kids to know that their dad is trying hard to work according to the spirit of the no-losers policy!

The spirit of the no-losers policy also applies in the workplace. If I know that my boss feels very concerned about making decisions that work for me, I can relax and give my best to my job. I feel good about being his or her employee. Of course, at times an employer has to make difficult and unpopular decisions for the health of the company. But even then, the spirit of the no-losers policy can come into play. People committed to win-win will find a way to walk through even a layoff or termination so that people feel valued, honored, and convinced that the employer did everything possible to make the situation work.

Even in relationships that do not have the authority structure that a parent-child relationship or a boss-employee relationship has, you can still have the same win-win spirit. You can work toward a no-losers policy in friendships or between neighbors or among volunteers at church or anywhere else. When the other person in a relationship knows that you are always looking for a solution that both of you can feel good about, the clouds part and the sun shines through—even if the eventual decision disappoints one or both of you.

The bottom line is this: The no-losers policy conveys a deep sense of caring. Whether you apply it literally or in spirit, your spouse or children or family members or friends will know that you care about their feelings and that you will do whatever you can to treat them as valuable human beings.

Seven Steps to Win-Win Solutions
Once we choose to establish a no-losers policy, we never again have to worry about losing or about protecting our own agenda. We find little to fuss about and quickly learn how to reach efficient and quick decisions over matters that used to cause ugly problems. Let me offer a seven-step process to reaching win-win solutions.

STEP 1: ESTABLISH A NO-LOSERS POLICY
When you consciously establish a no-losers policy, you create a positive tone that tends to radically improve how you treat one another. You could say, “I need you to know that I will not feel okay with any solution that you do not also feel good about.” All either one of you has to say is, “I don’t feel good about this decision,” or, “I feel as if I’m losing here,” and that’s it. You back up and start over. It simply is unacceptable for either of you to feel as if you’re losing.

A no-losers policy is like a fire extinguisher that puts out a dangerous flare-up. It says to each person, “You don’t need to feel threatened because we won’t go forward until both of us feel good about it.”

If you did nothing more than this, you would see an enormous improvement in your relationships. The worry simply dissipates.

STEP 2: LISTEN TO HOW THE OTHER FEELS
Talk to each other. Listen for the heart. Try to understand the emotions the other is feeling and why he or she prefers a particular solution. Why does it seem like the right way to go? Why is it important? Try to understand the “big deal” for the other. Work at it until both of you feel completely understood.

Once you finish this, take your separate ideas and set them aside. Put them on the shelf. You don’t throw them away or pursue them; you simply set them aside. Keep them handy in case you want to go back to them at a later time.

STEP 3: ASK GOD FOR HIS OPINION
Some conflicts get resolved very quickly once you ask God whether he has an opinion on what you ought to do. Pray about the issue you are trying to resolve. Share your perspectives about what you think the Bible says about the issue, remembering that the Bible will not speak to every issue, of course.

But do you want to know something really awesome? It virtually does not matter in the end whether God has an opinion on the matter. For in the very act of coming together to discover God’s perspective, you’re working toward unity.

I have a friend who had a pretty good squabble with his wife over what color to paint their bedroom. Now, I doubt very much that God cares a fig about what color their bedroom should be, but the act of coming together and prayerfully asking him whether he had an opinion—coupled with the commitment to yield to him if he did—immediately reestablished unity in this couple. By seeking God’s will together, they got on the same page.

If you discover that you really don’t feel like praying together over some issue, it’s probably a good indication that you shouldn’t be trying to resolve the conflict quite yet. If you go ahead anyway, you’re more likely to speak like adversaries than partners. So hold off until you can both find God’s grace to help you.
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STEP 4: BRAINSTORM ABOUT A WIN-WIN SOLUTION
Look for creative solutions. Hear each other out. Give each person an opportunity to lay on the table any suggestion he or she thinks might work. Make sure that this is a “green light” session, a time when both of you feel safe to share ideas. Don’t judge the ideas at this point. Just get them out where you can both consider them. It’s fair to ask clarifying questions about some of the ideas, but don’t judge them until you’ve exhausted your creativity. Then, revisit them all, highlighting the ones that might help you to solve your dilemma. If you feel you need more input, do some research at the library or on the Internet. You might consult with an expert. The goal is to explore lots of options.

STEP 5: SELECT A WIN-WIN SOLUTION
Now it’s time to find a win-win solution, something that you both can feel good about. It doesn’t matter who suggests the proposed solution; the only important thing is that both of you can endorse it.

When I think back on how Norma and I have worked through this process, I can point to many times when I have ended up doing exactly what Norma wanted to do from the beginning. But by the time we got there, I had endorsed her perspective. It ceased being a win-lose and became a win-win. We also have ended up doing exactly what I wanted to do from the beginning. But by the time we got there, Norma decided that my suggestion was the one we should pursue. As long as we both feel great about the decision, we find a win-win solution. And that’s what we’re after.

STEP 6: IMPLEMENT YOUR SOLUTION
After you hammer out something that looks as if it might work for both of you, try it out. But go into it with the same spirit that helped you to identify this option—making sure that both of you still consider it a win-win.

I think of the way Norma and I used to do vacations. Norma liked to have everything scheduled and planned, long before we took off. We knew where we were staying, what we would be doing, the whole works. And as a person who likes spontaneity, I hated it. So on other vacations, I forced Norma to camp for three weeks in one spot, next to a stream—which drove her almost insane. While I love to fish, she loves to shop and visit antique stores and malls.

Finally, we listened to each other’s heart and chose to work toward a win-win solution. We decided to combine our tastes. On our favorite vacations, we don’t know where we’re going to stay the first night. We rent a car, ask for the best direction to drive, and head that way. We have found the most incredible places to stay! The best thing is, I’ll drive until I find a great river or stream, where I’ll stop and fish for an hour. Meanwhile, Norma reads in the shade, something she loves. Then we’ll enter a town, find a great place to stay, and I’ll help her look for an antique shop. By the end of the day, we both feel so fulfilled. We both feel like winners!

STEP 7: EVALUATE AND REWORK
YOUR SOLUTION IF NECESSARY
A real win-win has to stay a win-win. At times in the past Norma and I ended up doing what I wanted to do, and I had the attitude, “Okay, you agreed to it, so now you are going to live with it, whether you continue to like it or not.” Not good! If at any point the solution stops working for either of you, then someone feels like a loser, and that hurts the team. For the solution to be a win-win, it has to stay a win-win.