The DNA of Relationships (24 page)

Many times we think we have dreamed up a really great idea, only to find out that it doesn’t work as well as we’d hoped. “I didn’t think about that,” we say, or, “That’s not nearly as good as I thought it would be.” If you make such a discovery, don’t sweat it. Just rework your solution. Remember, you want to start and end with a win-win. You want to make sure that your team stays on the successful side of things.

Forty-Five Minutes to a Win-Win
Bruce and Samantha, just three weeks away from their wedding day, kept having the same argument. Samantha wanted the wedding videographer to tape what happened in Bruce’s dressing room as he got himself ready for the ceremony. Bruce resisted the idea and wouldn’t agree to the taping.

The couple came to our counseling center for a premarital intensive training day, and we helped them work through the seven steps to win-win solutions.

Step 1: Establish a no-losers policy.
We reminded them that they were on the same team and both needed to feel good about whatever solution they picked. We helped them commit to a win-win solution, no matter what it took.

Step 2: Listen to how the other feels.
We helped them talk about and listen to their emotional messages. Samantha thought it would be very meaningful if she could later see what Bruce was doing and saying before they said their vows. She felt hurt and misunderstood by his resistance to the idea. Bruce said that he did not want these very private moments to be the subject of a video, seen by all their friends and family members. Eventually they both really heard the other’s point of view and saw its validity and importance.

Step 3: Ask God for his opinion.
The two of them prayed together and later told us that neither of them felt God had an opinion about the video. However, they did see the need to be respectful and gentle with one another as they negotiated the issue.

Step 4: Brainstorm about a win-win solution.
As the brainstorming began, the options flowed:

• No video in dressing rooms.
  
• Video in dressing rooms.
  
• Take still photos of this time.
  
• Audiotape this part.
  
• Create a separate, “private” tape for themselves that would include this preparation time. They could show an alternate version to others, not including this footage.
  
• Have a groomsman take a private, amateur video of this part of getting ready so Samantha could watch it later; but it wouldn’t be included on the professionally produced video.
  
• Call each other by cell phone from their separate dressing rooms and check in with one another.
  

Step 5: Select a win-win solution.
They both liked the sound of option 6.

Step 6: Implement your solution.
They agreed to try out option 6.

Step 7: Evaluate and rework your solution if necessary.
They agreed to revisit their plan three days before the wedding and make sure they both still felt good about it. This would also give them time to work on an alternative, if necessary.

Bruce and Samantha told us that they both felt great about the process—and it took them only about forty-five minutes to pull off a win-win!

Who’s to say that you couldn’t pull off something similar in even less time than that? You’re probably not even having last-minute jitters!

Two Objections Answered
Some people who have never seen a no-losers policy at work hesitate to implement it in their relationships. They have two objections:

1. It will take too much time.
“I don’t have the time to go through all of these steps,” some say. “With all the disagreements we have, it would take
forever
!”

But do you know what I have discovered? A no-losers policy actually saves huge chunks of time, especially once it becomes a habit. Here’s why.

When you feel as if you have to defend your territory, you tend to dig in your heels for a protracted and tiring tug-of-war. The battle continues until one or the other person just wears out—and that can take a long, long time.

When you implement a no-losers policy, however, you stop having to worry about protecting your agenda. You no longer feel anxious that your feelings won’t be considered. And when those issues go away, the substance of your disagreements usually turns out to be pretty small. Since you now have very little to fuss about, you move through the process quickly. It’s very efficient and doesn’t take much time at all. Much of it, in fact, becomes almost unconscious, like breathing.

2. What if we cannot come to an agreement and somebody has to make a decision?
You know what? It hardly ever happens. Remember, the problem is rarely the problem. If you follow through on the new dance steps I’m teaching you, you’ll hardly ever arrive at the difficult situation described above.

But what if you do? Let me tell you something else I’ve discovered. Most “urgent” decisions—things that drive me to hurry up, that tell me that I’m almost out of time, that insist I’m about to miss the opportunity of a lifetime—almost always end up being less than urgent. The opportunity either was not as good as it looked (something I couldn’t know from my vantage point), or another, even better, opportunity had not yet presented itself. I often realize that if I had moved on the first decision, I would have missed out on the second.

In general, I prefer to hold off on such decisions until the other person and I can arrive at a place of unity. But if the decision really does need to be made, I try to determine who appears to be the most qualified to make it—based on experience or training or something else—and let that person decide. Too often guys say things like, “Listen, I’m the man, so therefore I need to say what goes!” It almost becomes a Tarzan chest-thumping exercise, and it can kill you.

These days, if I feel compelled to make a decision that Norma opposes, I’ll do it with great caution. I’ll tell her, “I feel led to make this decision, but I have to tell you that because you and I are not together on this, I’m open to the possibility that I might be wrong. Therefore, I will make the decision, but I want you to know that I will also take the heat if I’m wrong. And I will be the one to answer to God. You are off the hook.” This is very different from saying, “I’m the man, so back off because I make the decisions around here!”

You Can Choose
Picture yourself in a rowboat, gliding down the river with your friend or coworker or spouse. Suddenly an argument erupts. You see a shotgun resting in the bottom of the boat, and to make your point, you seize the gun and start blowing holes in the bottom of your little vessel.

You might get your point across—but what happens to the boat? It sinks. And who’s in the boat? Your partner…and you. What a fine time you’ll have, celebrating your “victory” all the way to the bottom of the river!

Remember this: In any kind of significant relationship, you can’t win unless the other person also wins. So in your own best interest, you have to make sure that he or she wins. For exactly the same reason, the other person has to make sure that you win. The only alternative is that you both lose.

When you choose to enter into a significant relationship with another person, you’re also choosing to become a member of a team. All relationships involve choice. You can choose whether that team is going to succeed or fail. You decide whether it brings you pain or delight. It’s your choice.

In the 1988 Olympics, the powerful U.S. men’s volleyball team made it to the semifinals. One of its players, Paul Samuelson, cursed at a referee during a game. Judges assessed the U.S. team one penalty point, ultimately costing the Americans the game and a chance at a gold medal.

The next day the U.S. team returned to the arena to play for the bronze medal. As the team took the court, observers noticed that many of its members had shaved their heads. The spectators wondered why. Was it for improved aerodynamics? Was it to somehow spite the judges? Was it to make a fashion statement? No. The players did it for one simple reason: They had a bald teammate named Paul Samuelson. Through their unusual hairstyle choice they were telling the world, “Paul may have been wrong, but he is still our friend. He blew it, but he is still part of our team.”

Members of a team win together, or they lose together. Partners in a relationship experience exactly the same thing—except that in relationships you choose every day whether you will win or lose.

What will you choose?

1. 1. Adopt a no-losers policy.
   When one person in a relationship loses, everyone loses. A no-losers policy works toward mutual understanding and a win-win.
   
2. 2. Winning is finding a solution both people feel good about.
   Winning is not compromise but a true sense of win-win.
   
3. 3. In healthy relationships, everyone wins.
   If we see relationships as teamwork, we can commit ourselves to working on cooperative strategies.
   
4. 4. Seven steps to win-win solutions:
   

• Step 1: Establish a no-losers policy.
• Step 2: Listen to how the other feels.
• Step 3: Ask God for his opinion.
• Step 4: Brainstorm about a win-win solution.
• Step 5: Select a win-win solution.
• Step 6: Implement your solution.
• Step 7: Evaluate and rework your solution if necessary.

“I did everything you told me to,” an agitated client says, “and it doesn’t work. I identified my core fear, took personal responsibility, tried to create a safe environment, did good self-care, improved my communication skills, worked hard on teamwork—and still my spouse drives me crazy. I’m telling you, it doesn’t work.”

We don’t hear complaints like this very often, but we do hear them. We usually reply with something like this: “If you carefully follow the plan of action we’ve laid out, we firmly believe that you’ll be well on your way toward building a strong, healthy, growing relationship. But we have to say that it’s possible to do all the ‘right’ things and still not get the relationship that you most desire. We would be less than honest if we said that by learning and practicing the effective relationship principles we’ve just taught you, you’re 100 percent assured of getting everything you want out of a relationship. You’re not.”

I know, that’s a bitter pill to swallow. It disillusions some people almost to a crippling extent. But it really doesn’t need to.

A Caveat
Relationship experts have to make sure that we don’t nurture the hurtful fallacy that “if you do this, this and this, then you’re
guaranteed
to have great relationships.” Such an unrealistic promise can set us up to feel very discouraged and disillusioned.

Once again, here’s the cold, hard reality: You can do everything I’ve outlined in this book and
still
not get the relationships that you want. Somehow this unsettling reality seems missing from most books about relationships. It’s not hard to see why. Who wants to admit the possibility of less than perfect success? Authors and seminar leaders want everyone to believe that when they finish this book or complete that conference, they will have all the power they need to “make it happen.”

While in some ways such a claim speaks genuine truth, in another very fundamental way it does not. It
is
true that by applying these powerful concepts and techniques to your relationships, you will set yourself up for your best chance at success. It
is
true that by living in the way God has outlined, you create a fertile environment in which healthy relationships can grow and flourish. We can tell you what we have found are the easiest paths to great relationships. That’s all true—but it’s a far cry from a guarantee of success. And such a realization frustrates us.

And yet that emphatically does
not
mean that the concepts and techniques in this book “don’t work.” Far from it!

The Change God Most Wants
In my experience, “It doesn’t work” most often means, “My partner’s habits and behavior continue to make my life miserable.” “It doesn’t work” usually translates into some form of, “I can’t get my partner to change.”

But what if that isn’t what God most wants? What if God most wants to change
you
?

My colleagues ran headlong into this dilemma a couple of years ago during a difficult marriage intensive. The husband had habitually and seriously mismanaged his family’s finances. He spent a lot of money to cover debts on crazy investments that lost his family thousands of dollars, and then he tried to hide everything from his wife. Whenever she found evidence of his reckless use of the household funds, he’d fabricate a chain of lies. To make things worse, the man served as an elder in his local church. The wife felt beside herself with frustration.

This woman desperately wanted her husband to change and to become a person of integrity—not at all a bad desire! The trouble was, she thought she could somehow
force
her husband into becoming the kind of person she wanted. She kept telling us, “I’ve gone to the conferences. I’ve read all the books. We’ve been to counseling three different times. And none of it works.”

Do you see her problem? Her idea of “what works” came down to “whatever will force my husband to change.” In our view, she had been doggedly pursuing the wrong goal. She wanted to know, What can I do to get my husband to act like I want him to act? What system, what technique, will manipulate him into acting in a more responsible way? As long as this woman defined “what works” as “what forces my husband to change,” she felt angry. She didn’t reach a turning point until she started thinking about her problem in a new way.

“What happens,” we asked her, “if you ask a different question? Instead of asking, ‘What will work to get him to change,’ what if you asked, ‘What kind of person should
I
be?’ ”

The question caught her up short. Eventually it put her on a new path. She started to realize that the crazy woman whom she heard yelling at her husband was not the person she wanted to be. She finally admitted to herself that all the energy she expended acting as her own private detective—trying to find out whether he lied or told the truth—amounted to wasted time and a totally ineffective use of her limited resources. So she stopped asking, “What will work to get my husband to change?” and instead began to ask, “How can I choose to become the person God wants me to be?”

Remember a relationship truth we mentioned in an earlier chapter: Choice equals change. When we choose a path, it will always involve change. Even though change may feel threatening, in this case it is the right path.

I think you’ll find it most helpful to follow her excellent example. Think of it this way: To the extent that you define the problem or the goal in terms of the other person, you remain paralyzed. You will have no power to change anything. You’ll remain as helpless to
make
that person change as a quadriplegic remains helpless to leap up from a wheelchair and set a world record in the 100-meter dash.

* YOU CAN’T FORCE THE OTHER PERSON TO CHANGE. *

I suggest that you’ll find the key in rethinking your answer to the question “What am I trying to accomplish?” Could it perhaps be more helpful to develop some objectives that hold out a high probability of success? And please believe me, a goal of changing the other person does
not
rank high on any such list.

Personal Change and Serendipity
It’s a shame that the word
serendipity
doesn’t get used much anymore. It’s a great word. It means an aptitude for unexpectedly making desirable discoveries.

Serendipity often happens when you ask God how he might want to change
you
rather than focusing on what you can do to change the other person. When we make it our goal to change our own behavior rather than the other person’s, that person often notices the positive transformation taking place in us and begins his or her own journey of personal change.

That’s not a promise. But serendipity happens.

Remember the man who badly mishandled his family’s finances and then lied about his despicable behavior? When his wife exercised the Power of One and started focusing on the kind of person God wanted
her
to be, she started to enjoy life. She stopped screaming at her husband and gave up trying to catch him in his lies. She didn’t do this to try to force her husband into becoming a man of integrity. She did it for herself and for her own peace of mind. She wanted her husband to change, of course—who wouldn’t?—but regardless of how he responded, she intended to pursue God’s pathway for her.

Eventually, this woman walked into a wonderful serendipity. As she began to move in the direction of spiritual and emotional maturity, her husband’s own irresponsibility became increasingly evident to him. Since he no longer spent so much time resisting her, he had much more time to focus on his own shortcomings. In time, the illogic and dysfunction of his own behavior became painfully clear to him. Eventually he felt convicted enough to change,
but not because his wife nagged him to do so
.

*  THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURSELF.*

This woman enjoyed a happy ending to her story only because she consciously changed her focus. She shifted her attention from changing her husband to changing herself. At no point along the way did she
cause
or
force
her husband to change; she understood that she had no control over his behavior. But as her husband saw the positive difference in her, God’s presence within him prompted him to make his own necessary changes.

Thank God serendipity happens!

What If Your Desires
for Change Go Unfulfilled?
Most of us like the word
guarantee
better than the word
serendipity
—but if we insist on the former, we may get only a broken heart. What if the steps you take to change yourself don’t result in any change in the other person? What if
nothing
prompts him or her to change?

In such a case, serendipity can still happen—just not, perhaps, the one you longed for. If you choose to travel the road of personal transformation, the worst that can happen is that you will end up with a life that’s far more enjoyable, satisfying, fulfilling, and helpful to others than the one you had while you continued to insist on changing the other person. Even so, I have to admit, you may never get your heart’s desire.

A woman reported an amazing serendipity in one of my small support groups recently. The seventy-year-old shared her story of being married to a very self-centered man. She tried to change him the first few years and finally gave up. She asked God to change
her
instead. She says that the best thing she learned was to give up any expectation that her husband would ever change and to work only on herself. She prayed for her husband, but gave up other expectations. The only thing she tried to stop him from doing was buying her expensive jewelry. But he refused and continued to buy the jewelry.

Even though the woman could not get her husband to change, she could change herself. And she did. She became a happy person by loving and receiving love from family and friends and by letting God fill her with the fullness of himself.
¹
After her husband retired, he lost all of their savings in various foolish investments and left the couple completely broke. How do you think they survived the next few years? You guessed it. By living on the sale of the very expensive jewelry she had resented. In a serendipitous provision, God used the jewelry to provide for the woman and her husband.

We at the Smalley Relationship Center and the Smalley Marriage Institute have no magic cures for relationships, no guaranteed secrets for making all your dreams come true, no fail-safe promises of relational paradise. While we have helped more than 90 percent of the troubled couples that visit us to find new satisfaction and fulfillment in their relationships, there remains that just-under 10 percent that still winds up in divorce court. Despite our best efforts and the expressed desire of at least one person in each couple to remain together, the relationship breaks up.

How can this be? If the desire is there—a desire that God himself endorses—then shouldn’t there always be a happy ending? Shouldn’t things always turn out the way we want? Shouldn’t there be some guarantee that if we do things a certain way, we’ll always get what we most hope for?

Well, maybe there should be. But it doesn’t look as if there is. Serendipity, perhaps. Guarantees, no.

David, the biblical king of ancient Israel, made this disconcerting discovery thousands of years ago. He wanted to build a temple for the God he loved so deeply. One day he asked the prophet Nathan about his idea, and Nathan told him to go for it. David then eagerly set about gathering the necessary craftsmen and supplies and resources to build a magnificent temple for the God of Israel. Everything seemed to be going great.

But the next day Nathan reappeared with some startling news, decisively derailing the king’s hopes and plans. “Are you the one to build me a temple to live in?” God asked David.
²
God informed him, “Since you have shed so much blood before me, you will not be the one to build a temple to honor my name.”
³
Yet don’t miss a critical part of the story. At the same time, God also expressly told David that it was “right” to have this desire to build the Temple!

Please don’t miss the point. Was it a good thing that David desired to build a temple for his God? Emphatically, yes! God himself endorsed David’s desire, telling the king, “It is right for you to want to build the Temple to honor my name.”
⁴
Yet did God allow David to actually build the Temple? No, he did not. The happy job of Temple construction fell to David’s son and successor, Solomon. While God approved of David’s desire, he also refused to fulfill his desire.

I think this ancient episode has much to teach us today. It tells us that, at least sometimes, it is possible to have a good desire in our hearts—a desire that God himself endorses—and yet never see that desire completely fulfilled.

A hard truth to take? You bet. But never forget about serendipity! God certainly doesn’t.

David had to feel enormous disappointment when it became clear that he would never be able to fulfill his good desire. The divine decision came as a complete surprise to him; he had already started to put things in motion. Yet God had not exhausted his surprises! God knows a thing or two about serendipity. He subsequently told David that, although he would not permit him to act on his good desire to build a house of worship, God would instead build a “house” for David—a family tree that would eventually produce the Messiah, Jesus Christ, the Savior and Lord of the world.
⁵
Amazing! While David did not see his heart’s desire fulfilled, God had something different (and even greater) in mind for him.

That’s
serendipity. And that’s also a stunning picture of what God can do for you. You may lose a spouse, fall into disharmony with grown children, or lose a close friend through a disagreement, but it doesn’t mean those relationships are lost forever. You and I know of situations in which people have reunited later in life, much to their joy.