The DNA of Relationships (26 page)

Change can begin in this country when we start to understand God’s blueprint for interpersonal connections, the DNA of relationships. When we consistently apply these principles, our relationships will begin to heal, grow strong, and become truly satisfying. Friendships will be restored, marriages will thrive, and families will discover the joy of harmony.

Let’s together spark a generational shift right now. Let’s help our kids and grandkids to succeed at relationships. Join us in spreading the great news about what can happen when people really start loving each other the way God designed us to love.

Let’s start today!

You have a relationship with God, whether or not you acknowledge it. That relationship is an important factor in your relationship with others and with yourself.

How would you describe your relationship with God? Is it distant? Is it intimate? Do you ignore him? Is he the center of your life? Do you know God personally?

Maybe you are consumed with a “try harder” religion. You believe that if you work hard, take care of your duties, and watch after your family or others, God will look over your whole life and conclude that in the end you are okay. Perhaps you believe that giving up your bad habits will place you in God’s good graces.

A relationship with God is not based on what you do—or abstain from doing. It is not about your best efforts. It is about a God who loves you and wants a relationship with you. In fact, the Bible says that “he is a God who is passionate about his relationship with you” (Exodus 34:14). Think about that. How many people are passionate about a relationship with you? Well, the God of the universe is. He loves you right where you are. He loves you despite your past. He wants a relationship with you no matter who you are or what you have done.

How can you have a relationship with God? Through his Son, Jesus Christ. As the Bible says, “There is only one God and one Mediator who can reconcile God and people. He is the man Christ Jesus” (1 Timothy 2:5).

We have a natural desire to be independent, to be the master of our own lives, to live by our own standards. It’s the old “look out for number 1” attitude. The biblical word for that attitude is
sin.
Our sin cuts us off from God. Every single one of us struggles with this problem. “All have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23). Therefore, in and of ourselves, we can never measure up. Yet, the story doesn’t end there.

Jesus Christ, and his death on the cross, has made it possible for you to be in a relationship with God. The first step is to admit that God has not been first place in your life. Believe that Jesus died to pay for your sin, and ask him to forgive you. With that admission you are given this promise: “If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong” (1 John 1:9).

You may be asking, “So what’s the catch?” There is no catch! God’s forgiveness is free. We don’t deserve it, but God wants to give it to us anyway. If there were a way you could earn it, then Christ’s death on the cross would be meaningless. His death paved the way for us to give God all of the credit. “God saved you by his special favor when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it” (Ephesians 2:8-9).

If you would like to begin a personal relationship with God today, pray something like this simple prayer as an expression of your decision.

Dear Father, thank you for loving me, even when I’ve been unlovable. You have not been first place in my life until today. I submit my life to you. Thank you for sending your Son, Jesus, to die on that cross. He took care of my sins. Please forgive me. I want to follow you. Make me a new person. I accept your free gift of salvation. Please empower me to grow now as a follower of Jesus.

To begin your new relationship with God, start with the basics. Here are some excellent books to understand more about knowing God:

• 
The God You’re Looking For
by Bill Hybels (Thomas Nelson)
• 
Reaching for the Invisible God
by Philip Yancey (Zondervan)
• 
Discover God
by Bill Bright (NewLife Publication)
• 
Knowing God
by J. I. Packer (InterVarsity Press)
• 
The Grace Awakening
by Charles Swindoll (W Publishing Group)
• 
Secrets of the Vine
by Bruce Wilkinson (Multnomah)
• 
Discover the Real Jesus
by Bill Bright (Tyndale)
• 
The Jesus I Never Knew
by Philip Yancey (Zondervan)

1. IDENTIFY THE CONFLICT: Identify a recent conflict, argument, or negative situation with your spouse, friend, child, neighbor, coworker, or whomever—something that really “pushed your buttons” or upset you. Think about how you were feeling and how you wished the person would not say or do the things that upset you. You might have thought something like,
If only you would stop saying or doing ___, I would not be so upset.

2. IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS. How did this conflict or negative situation make you feel? Check all that apply—but “star” the most important feelings:

3. IDENTIFY YOUR FEAR: How did this conflict make you feel about
yourself?
What did the conflict “say” about
you and your feelings
? Check all that apply, but “star” the most important feeling.

Or *	“As a result of the conflict, I felt…”	What That Feeling Sounds Like
	Rejected	The other person doesn’t want me or need me; I am not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted.
	Abandoned	The other person will ultimately leave me; I will be left alone to care for myself; the other person won’t be committed to me for life.
	Disconnected	We will become emotionally detached or separated; I will feel cut off from the other person.
	Like a failure	I am not successful at being a husband/wife, friend, parent, coworker; I will not perform correctly; I will not live up to expectations; I am not good enough.
	Helpless	I cannot do anything to change the other person or my situation; I do not possess the power, resources, capacity, or ability to get what I want; I will feel controlled by the other person.
	Defective	Something is wrong with me; I’m the problem.
	Inadequate	I am not capable; I am incompetent.
	Inferior	Everyone else is better than I am; I am less valuable or important than others.
	Invalidated	Who I am, what I think, what I do, or how I feel is not valued.
	Unloved	The other person doesn’t care about me; my relationship lacks warm attachment, admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion.
	Dissatisfied	I will not experience satisfaction in the relationship; I will not feel joy or excitement about the relationship.
	Cheated	The other person will take advantage of me or will withhold something I need; I won’t get what I want.
	Worthless	I am useless; I have no value to the other person.
	Unaccepted	I am never able to meet the other person’s expectations; I am not good enough.
	Judged	I am always being unfairly judged; the other person forms faulty or negative opinions about me; I am always being evaluated; the other person does not approve of me.
	Humiliated	The relationship is extremely destructive to my self-respect or dignity.
	Ignored	The other person will not pay attention to me; I feel neglected.
	Insignificant	I am irrelevant in the relationship; the other person does not see me as an important part of our relationship.
	Other	______________________________________________________________

4. IDENTIFY YOUR REACTIONS: What do you do when you feel
[insert the most important feeling from question #3]
? How do you
react
when you feel that way? Identify your common verbal or physical reactions to deal with that feeling. Check all that apply—but “star” the most important reactions:

Or *	Reaction	Explanation
	Withdrawal	You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment.
	Escalation	Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage.
	Try harder	You try to do more to earn others’ love and care.
	Negative beliefs	You believe the other person is far worse than is really the case; you see the other person in a negative light or attribute negative motives to him or her.
	Blaming	You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is the other person’s fault.
	Exaggeration	You make overstatements or enlarge your words beyond bounds or the truth.
	Tantrums	You have fits of bad temper.
	Denial	You refuse to admit the truth or reality.
	Invalidation	You devalue the other person; you do not appreciate what he or she feels or thinks or does.
	Defensiveness	Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation.
	Clinginess	You develop a strong emotional attachment or dependence on the other person.
	Passive–aggressive	You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness.
	Caretaking	You become responsible for the other person by giving physical or emotional care and support to the point you are doing everything for the other person, who does nothing to care for himself or herself.
	Acting out	You engage in negative behaviors, such as drug or alcohol abuse, extramarital affairs, excessive shopping or spending, or overeating.
	Fix-it mode	You focus almost exclusively on what is needed to solve the problem.
	Complaining	You express unhappiness or make accusations; you criticize, creating a list of the other person’s faults.
	Aggression or abuse	You become verbally or physically aggressive, possibly abusive.
	Manipulation	You control the other person for your own advantage; you try to get him or her to do what you want.
	Anger and rage	You display strong feeling of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions.
	Catastrophize	You use dramatic, exaggerated expressions to depict that the relationship is in danger or that it has failed.
	Numbing out	You become devoid of emotion, or you have no regard for others’ needs or troubles.
	Humor	You use humor as a way of not dealing with the issue at hand.
	Sarcasm	You use negative humor, hurtful words, belittling comments, cutting remarks, or demeaning statements.
	Minimization	You assert that the other person is overreacting to an issue; you intentionally underestimate, downplay, or softpedal the issue.
	Rationalization	You attempt to make your actions seem reasonable; you try to attribute your behavior to credible motives; you try to provide believable but untrue reasons for your conduct.
	Indifference	You are cold and show no concern.
	Abdication	You give away responsibilities.
	Self-Abandonment	You run yourself down; you neglect yourself.
	Other:	______________________________________________________________

5. Look at the items you starred in response to question 3. List the three or four main feelings. These are your core fears:
Core fear #1 ______________________
Core fear #2 ______________________
Core fear #3 ______________________

Remember that most core fears are related to two main primary fears:

1. 1. The fear of being controlled (losing influence or power over others)
   
2. 2. The fear of being disconnected (separation from people and being alone)
   

More men fear losing power or being controlled, and more women fear being disconnected from relationships with others.

6. Look at the items you starred in response to question 4. List your three or four main reactions when someone pushes your core fear button.
Reaction #1 ____________________________________
Reaction #2 ____________________________________
Reaction #3 ____________________________________

Your responses to these exercises should help you understand your part of the Fear Dance: your core fear button and your reaction. Remember that it’s very common for your reactions to push the core fear button of the other person in the conflict. If the other person can figure out his or her core fears and reactions, you will see clearly the unique Fear Dance the two of you are doing. But even if the other person isn’t able to be involved in the process of discovering his or her part of the Fear Dance, you can take steps to stop the dance. (See chapters 4–8.)