The Do Over (43 page)

With that, I admitted defeat. Madison was one tough cookie.

"Maybe some other time." I smiled flatly. "Um, you know, I've been mulling over something you said recently. Maybe you could lend some insight." I had played that conversation on an eternal loop in my head. I needed to get it out before I went crazy.

She sat back in her chair, sipping her green smoothie. "Is this going to lead to one of your tit for tats?"

"I'm not bartering for information. I simply want to understand what you meant."

"Sure, go ahead." She chewed her straw.

I leaned in with my elbows against the table. "You said that love was an illusion, and then you insinuated that I was in denial. What did you mean by that?"

Her eyes fluttered up to the ceiling. Then, she steadied them on me. "Why does it matter what I think?" She shrugged her shoulders and placed her smoothie on the table.

"I'm just curious as to why you said it. If it didn't mean anything, you wouldn't have mentioned it. You don't strike me as the type of person that says random things. You seem like you select your words very carefully, so I'm curious as to why you said those things to me."

"Yes, I said those words to you, but they weren't necessarily about you." She straightened. "Daniela, you're a smart, pretty, and very nice person. You also have two men who are vying for your affections. You're wearing a necklace that I assume is from Liam."

I nodded as I rubbed the pendant between my fingers.

"And then you have Rick, who just so happens to be on Lincoln Road every Saturday, romancing you with nostalgia and hope." She leaned against the table. "You need to decide who to hold on to and who to let go of. I don't think you're the type of person to have an affair. This isn't one of your romance novels. These are real people, so stop living in a fantasy and decide."

If it were possible, my eyes would've popped out of my head as my mouth dropped and hit the table. At least, that was how it felt. Instead, I stared at her, speechless. I blinked rapidly. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Why do I have to choose? There's nothing to choose. I'm with Liam, and that's how it's staying. Rick knows that. He and I are just friends. It's innocent."

She shook her head, laughing. "Are you really that
naïve
?" Her tone was harsh and condescending. "Or do you prefer to hide behind rationalization and denial? You mentioned that it was innocent. Do you think Liam would see it that way? How would you feel if Liam had multiple
innocent
rendezvous with an old lover? If what you have with Liam is real, then why are you living in the past with Rick? I doubt you love Liam as much as you say you do. He's just a placeholder until you have the guts to go with who you really want—Rick. See, love is an illusion."

The stray cat was out to play, and her claws were sharp. She scratched, gnawed, and tore through me. I stared at her, shell-shocked. I brought my trembling hands to my lap. I bit my quivering lip and batted my eyes to keep the tears from welling up. There was nothing I could do to dull the ache caused by my pounding heart.

"Are you done?" I asked, steadying my gaze. "You're so off base. You're wrong. It was a mistake to discuss this with you. You're obviously projecting your own hostilities on me. Maybe you need to stop denying what you're feeling and give in to what's going on with your goddamn cockblocking inconvenience. You can fool yourself, but you don't fool me."

She tilted her head to the side, running her hand across the base of her hairline. "I'm sorry if I upset you. You wanted to know. Daniela, you live in denial. Make up your mind." When her phone chirped, she glanced at it, rolling her eyes. She blew out a deep breath. "I have to go. Have fun with your friends. If I don't see you, have a very happy New Year." She picked up her bag. "For the record, I'm perfectly in touch with reality. He's in love with someone else." She walked away.

"Madison."

She stopped with her hand on the door, but she didn't turn around.

"I'm sorry for being a bitch."

She nodded, pushed the door open, and left.

One thing was certain. Madison would remain an enigma. I should've listened to Liam and not touched that with a ten-foot pole.

I buried my head in my hands. I felt like I'd been hit by a Mack truck. I replayed the conversation over and over. I was certain that it would stay on a loop.
She's wrong.
Of course, she was. What I had with Liam was real. What Rick and I had was innocent. I had everything under control.
Why did she call me Daniela?
No one called me that except for Rick.

I straightened up. I refused to allow Madison's words affect me. She was obviously bitter and angry. She was definitely not cut out for the sisterhood.
No shit
. She didn't do the girlfriend thing, and now, I understood why. I pulled out my phone and tapped on the screen because I did do the girlfriend thing.

Dani: Hey. What are you doing?

Macy: Sleeping.

Dani: Oh yeah. Wake up. I want to hang out with you.

Macy: I just got off a twelve-hour shift. Leave me alone.

Dani: Why are you working nights?

Macy: Shut up. Come over, but I'm sleeping.

I knew if I went home that I'd just obsess over the atrocities Madison spewed at me. The only solution was to spend the day with Macy. We would get mani/pedis, our hair blown out, and maybe add massages as well. We already had plans for dinner and girls' night out anyway. We could have a spa day and make it a full-day event. This would be the perfect distraction to erase Madison's words.

While driving to Macy's, I decided I needed to make one very important stop. I pulled into the gas station, went into the quick mart, opened the refrigerator, and pulled out a twenty-ounce bottle of diet soda. The condensation on the outside of the bottle felt glorious against my hand. I twisted off the cap. Tilting my head back, I closed my eyes as I brought the bottle to my mouth. I allowed the carbonation to flow smoothly down my throat as a wave of euphoria filled me.

"Ahhh, delicious." I let the carbonated and artificially sweetened nectar of the gods soothe my rattled nerves. "Fuck Madison and wheatgrass."

I quietly entered Macy's apartment, laying my purse and keys on the counter. I opened the refrigerator and put away the extra bottle of diet soda I bought for later. While Macy slept, I curled up on her couch. This gave me the perfect opportunity to kick back, pull out my Kindle, and catch up with my latest read. It was very reminiscent of the days when I'd lived with Macy during my post-Rick-break-up drama. Rightfully so, she would kill me if she knew I was talking to him now. That alone should be motivation to stop my silliness.

Madison's words haunted me as images of my time with Rick played in my head. There was nothing wrong with what we were doing. It was all a coincidence. No one was getting hurt. No lines were being crossed. We just had some stolen moments. Rick would get bored eventually. There was no guarantee he'd be there next Saturday.
Who am I kidding?
He would be there, just like he'd been there every Saturday for the past six weeks. He had to be with someone. There was no way he wasn't. He didn't do
alone
. I didn't want to think about him with anyone.

I decided I wasn't going to see him anymore, even though I wanted to.
Maybe just one more time.
I wanted that time with Rick. It made the hurt go away.
I have it all under control.
I knew he wanted more. I could see it in his eyes, and I could feel it in his touch.
No, he's fine with what we have. It's all fine.

I loved Liam. I knew he wouldn't like any of this.
Is that why I conveniently forgot to tell him?
He would hate it. It wouldn't be Madison telling me to make a choice. It would be him.

I felt myself being pulled in two directions—the past and the present.
Why did I tell Madison that I might always love Rick?
I was in love with Liam.

I was snapped out of my cycle of destructive thinking when Macy tapped me on the shoulder. I turned, looking up.

She stood over me with her arms crossed, wrinkling her brow. "Earth to Dani."

"You're such a dork." I straightened up, shaking my troubling thoughts from my head. "I was caught up in my book." As I closed my Kindle, I was unsure if I had even opened a book. "Now that you're up, let's get mani/pedis and maybe a massage." I spoke her language.

Macy's countenance brightened. "You must want something if you are wooing me with a spa day, not that I'd turn it down." She picked up her phone and started making appointments.

I stared at my hands. I desperately needed a manicure. "Shoot me for wanting to spend time with my best friend in the whole wide world when I'm having a staycation. It's back to work on Monday, so take it or leave it."

"Yeah, try again. I'm your best friend in the whole wide world who's on probation." She rolled her eyes, pursing her lips.

"Fine, you're off probation, but you'll be very disappointed. There's nothing to tell," I lied. I had plenty I needed to talk about, like the flood of thoughts that were drowning me.

Everything played through my head one more time. I stared at a clueless Macy, knowing exactly what I had to do.

After a day of primping while avoiding Macy's probing questions, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror. We were both applying our makeup.

"I can't believe you invited that skank to our girls' night out," Macy huffed. She placed the mascara down on the counter. "Look, I know you have this savior complex, and you like your stray cats. But did you even consider that we might not want to hang out with her?"

I rolled my eyes. "Mace, chill out. She said she couldn't make it. You're not letting me finish the story. By the way, you should see the bracelet she got for Christmas. When I asked her about it, her walls went up. That woman could work for the CIA. I don't think anyone could break her in an interrogation."

"
Whatever
. I'm sure one of her sugar daddies got it for her." Macy stared into the mirror, lining her lips.

"I have no idea, but that's not the point. You're not going to believe what she said to me." I put down my makeup on the counter and turned toward Macy. "Okay, so since you're officially off probation, I need to ask you a question. I really don't care if you talk to Chris about it…well, I'd rather you didn't, but here it goes. Do you think I'm playing house with Liam?"

"Yes," she responded quickly. She pulled out a very nice pale shade of pink lip gloss to offset her smoky eyes. "Did that bitch say you were playing house with Liam?"

"No, it was worse. She said that I didn't love him, that what we had wasn't real, and that I was living in a fantasy world." I leaned against the counter, bracing myself for Macy's response.

She stared at me through the mirror. "You talk to her about your relationship with Liam, but I'm on probation?"

"Focus, Macy. I didn't talk to her about my relationship per se. I mentioned something when I was trying to get information out of her, and she totally assumed wrong. Anyhow, now she says that I'm just using him and that I don't love him. You even—quickly, I might add—said that I was playing house. The last time I did that, it didn't turn out well."

"Dani, we have so many things going on here. Thank God I'm off probation, but I still can't believe you talked to that whore," she huffed, looking at my reflection in the mirror. "First of all, the most important thing for you to get through that thick head of yours is that Liam is
not
Rick. How many times do I have to tell you that?" She crossed her arms, tilting her head to the side. "That she-devil is wrong about you guys. And you're only playing house because you're scared to death that he'll hurt you, which I think is stupid since the man would walk through fire for you. He took care of your re-V card, passed the inquisition with flying colors, and gave you bling for Christmas."

"Yes, I'm a bit cautious, but hello? I've opened up to him. I'm practically living with him, gave him a key to my house, and as you so eloquently put it, gave him my re-V card." I wondered if that was enough.
Why haven't I officially moved in?
Maybe I was holding back.
Do I have some subconscious doubts? Am I secretly pining away for Rick?
That was absurd.