The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (100 page)

If you've hired a versatile band, they should take requests cheerfully (even from the guy who's had a little too much champagne and keeps shouting “‘Stairway to Heaven'!”). Within reason, they should be open to participation by the guests, so if your friend Tom wants to get up and belt out “Stand by Your Man,” and dedicate it to the two of you, the band should not only handle it but try to make Tom look good.

Most musical groups come with the group leader. The leader of the band is the musical director; he or she will work with you to choreograph the order of certain musical selections. The band leader is also the one you'll want to talk to about the unique circumstances of the wedding; the last thing you want is for the drummer to yell out as he's setting up, “Oh, man, it's two chicks!”

Go over set lists with the leader, especially if there are particular requests. Tess always knew her wedding-day dancing had to include “I Knew the Bride (When She Used to Rock and Roll),” so the band she hired learned it just for the occasion. And even though the band leader understands that it's not a traditional wedding, if you don't want to hear “Daddy's Little Girl,” let it be known ahead of time.

The band leader can also be the emcee for your reception if you work this out in advance. Band leaders can call guests up to the microphone to make toasts, and can announce the events of the party. The amount of bantering the emcee does with the crowd should be up to you.

Band members are human beings who get hungry and thirsty, and who require rest periods. Break times are usually ten to fifteen minutes per one-hour set (union rules may even require it), but this can vary greatly. Bands typically book in three-to-four-hour blocks of time; many will throw in an hour of “lite sounds” to dine by before they really get down and rock the house.

Your contract may require that you provide food for the band. Booze is an entirely different matter. Technically speaking, it's not considered professional to drink on the job. Some hosts and hostesses feel that offering the band a drink or two is being cordial, and may even increase the musicians' creativity. The choice is up to you.

Consumer Alert

T
HE MEN AND
women in the band often play or sing with different musical groups. When a band member wants a night off, someone will take his or her place and you get a band with the same number of players; unfortunately, it's not the exact same band that you fell in love with. Sometimes there's no detectable difference, but in the case of a featured player, it could spell disaster. Get the musicians and instrumentation specified in your contract. You're not being paranoid; you're simply covering your bases.

This Is a Recording

In the heyday of disco, the mobile DJ became popular, traveling to parties with a stack of albums in one hand and a strobe light in the other. DJs have since expanded their musical collections, offering selections that go beyond dance music. With the right DJ, you can go from Garland to the Grateful Dead in ten seconds. If you want R&B, House, or other contemporary music, dancing to the real thing instead of to a live band just might sound better. After all, locals can only do so well covering Beyoncé, Sting, or Indigo Girls.

DJs are less expensive than bands (say, about $350–$1,500 for five hours of entertainment) and come complete with all the equipment they need to run the party—sound systems, smoke machines, and so on—and, yes, some still come with that strobe light. Ask all the questions you would of any entertainment when you book a DJ. How extensive is their library, and is it appropriate for your crowd's tastes? Make sure that he or she carries backup equipment in case the system should happen to short-circuit. The DJ should also check out your site ahead of time to see if it presents any particular problems.

You'll need to have a little chat with the DJ ahead of time concerning his or her schtick; it may be perfect for a bat mitzvah but over the top for a romantic wedding. How much do you want the DJ to talk, if at all? Do you want songs identified? Is the DJ to be an emcee for announcing the first dance, and the toasts?

If your fondest dream is to have Madonna perform at your wedding, you have the following options:

• Hire her. Unless she is a close friend, she'll probably run between $75K and $1.5 million. (Better go back and double-check the budget.)

• Have your band play her tunes. Your party will take on a surrealistic aura if Guy Smiley and His Four Guys sing “Vogue” and it sounds like “The Locomotion.”

• Hire an impersonator, female or male, to perform as Madonna.

• Have a DJ play her latest album.

If you don't have a dancing crowd, and want background music and only background music to set a mood, then CDs, a mix tape, or an iPod played over a good stereo system can do the trick. If you want specific music at different points in the reception, create a series of playlists on your iPod and assign a friend the job of managing the changes. Two brides we know used “The Theme From
Twin Peaks
” to announce their arrival at the party. Period music from the forties and fifties is usually better from a recording than from live musicians; c'mon, who can do justice to vintage Ella Fitzgerald or Tony Bennett?

Of course, you can also find live musicians who will help create the mood you're after. Think about what a flutist (or is that flautist?) and classical guitarist will add to your meal or cocktail buffet. Soloists and small ensemble groups are available for very reasonable fees. Sometimes, even if you have a full-on DJ thing later in the evening, it's nice to greet people by having a classical musician playing as they enter the party. It's like being welcomed by a glass of bubbling champagne for the ears.

Texas Two-Stepping

Two-stepping and country-and-western line dances such as the Electric Slide, the Shadow, and the Tush Push are big in clubs (gay and otherwise) across the nation. Country-and-western dancing is kind of like square dancing but it involves more people, and (forgive us, square-dance lovers) is a lot more fun. Not to mention that when done well, it's an incredibly sexy kind of dance, which brings us to your wedding. We're hearing about two-step weddings (not to be confused with Twelve-Step weddings) where people come in cowboy and cowgirl duds, the food is barbecue, there's a teacher for those who don't know the steps, and everyone dances until they can't take any more. If this strikes your fancy, get yourself a country band or use canned music, polish your boots, and cowboy up!

The classic wedding band is etched in our memories as we remember doing the Bunny Hop as kids, or seeing our parents slow-dance to “Feelings.” As we grew up we got a kick out of dancing the Hustle with Cousin Shirley or teaching Uncle Mitch to do the Macarena. No doubt about it—dancing can add a whole new dimension to your celebration.

Though entirely nongay in tradition, there are some wedding dance things that are worth doing. (What the heck, you've gone this far. Why not complete the picture?) The Jewish custom of lifting the nuptial couple up on two chairs is almost “required dancing” at weddings. There's the classic conga line with everyone snaking through the room while holding each other's waists. And there's not an Italian alive who doesn't have a soft spot in their heart for the tarantella.

There are also specific dance styles that are capable of forming a core for the reception theme. If you go all out with one of these, make sure there is enough interest among a significant number of guests. Some current trends include square dancing, the tango (remember that it takes two to do this), ballroom dancing, and folk dancing.

You can hire a group to perform an act, either in addition to or instead of a regular dance band or mood music. Rather than boogie, your guests can watch as though they were audience members in a nightclub. (Make sure there's seating.) Other musical acts can actually move around the reception and perform for small gatherings of guests, so you won't necessarily have to stop everything else while the show goes on.

Randy and Joe told us that they knew from the start that after the ceremony and after the food, “We wanted to create a magical environment. We wanted something to ‘change.' Putting on a wedding is too much work to have everyone disappear after the cake was cut.” So they hired a service that sets up a casino. Everyone got $1,000 worth of chips (not really worth anything, of course), and at the end of the night, the guest with the most chips got a gift certificate to a local restaurant. One of the guests reported to us that “the best thing about it was that it was a great mixer. You'd find yourself next to a complete stranger at the roulette table; the next thing you knew, the two of you were screaming, ‘C'mon, red even!' and hugging in celebration over your winnings.”

If you think your crowd would be into this, and you have the resources, look into the following possibilities:

Doo-wop groups

Choral ensembles

Tribute bands

Dance troupes

Elvis impersonators

Rappers

Marching bands

Female impersonators

Dixieland jazz bands

Exotic dancers

Motown acts

Bagpipers

Consider putting together a Powerpoint or video that chronicles the early lives of each of you, how you met, and your lives together now. This short (try to keep it around five minutes) can be played as your guests enter the reception or before your throng of admirers toasts you.

If your friends love a little friendly competition, have board games set up in one room. When they get tired of eating and dancing, they can sit in on the marathon game of Trivial Pursuit or join in a backgammon tournament. Buy silly prizes for the winners, the big losers, and the most enthusiastic; or let them take home the centerpieces.

Finally, if you want some unforgettable fun for your guests, there's a whole other world out there of people to come to your party and entertain. Envision sketch artists, glass blowers, psychics, and palm readers. Look to local party rental houses for photo booths, arcade games, and karaoke. How about Renaissance performers, fire eaters, jugglers, contortionists, and high-wire acts? (But boys, remember: this is your wedding reception, not a circuit party.)

Life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quickly you hardly catch it going.

—T
ENNESSEE
W
ILLIAMS

P
ROBABLY ALL OF
us want to have some good documentation of our wedding day. If you're a little bit spaced during your ceremony, it's comforting to know you can see a super-slo-mo replay later on. (The tape can also be used for verification somewhere down the line: “See, Phil, you
did
say in our vows that you would love me when I was productive and when I was at rest.”) And, if you're having a large reception, you can't possibly be everywhere at once; a good photographer or videographer will enable you to experience things you missed after the fact.