The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (104 page)

“These people who are making a big deal about gay marriage? I don't give a f*** about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not? We're making a big deal out of things we shouldn't be making a deal out of... Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want.”

—
CLINT EASTWOOD

How idiotic people are when they are in love.
What an age-old, devastating disease!

—N
OEL
C
OWARD

I
T'S GETTING CLOSE
. It's getting
really
close. Chances are that you're either nervous or excited, spending your days worrying about details, picking up your college roommate at the airport, making sure there's food in fridge. (Don't tell us—you've been so busy that you forgot to go to the grocery store, right?) You may be having to entertain in-laws and parents in between writing checks and making last-minutes changes with the caterer. Whew. You're certain you'll never get everything done and the wedding will be a total disaster. Why did you ever agree to this dog-and-pony show, anyway?

It's not really so bad. Let us narrow everything down to two basic categories: you must tend to your personal needs, and you must put the final touches on the wedding. You can do that, right?

You know what your personal needs are better than we do, but since you've been distracted lately and your window of vulnerability is wide open, we're going to remind you of some things that may require your attention and that only you can do: teeth (have them cleaned?), hair, nails, sleep (are you getting enough?), diet (are you existing on Ding Dongs and Butterfingers?), and schedule (have you left yourself just a bit of private time?).

The other list has to do with making sure that everything is in place for the wedding. It's basically about reconfirming every commitment you've gotten and made over the last months. You'll want to go back to your contracts and lists, and make phone calls to double-check times, places, dates, balances due, and specifics of what is being provided. Don't be surprised if somewhere along the line a supplier has spaced out and forgotten that the wedding is
this
Saturday, not
next
Saturday.

Once these things are off your back, you'll feel more capable of focusing and savoring the joys of the days to come.

The wedding rehearsal is a dry run of the ceremony that allows you to put your mind at ease on such pressing questions as “After the ceremony is over, where do I go?”; “What do I do with this candle after I blow it out?”; and “How will I know not to be in the bathroom when they start the processional music?” Things like that.

Not only does the rehearsal put to rest nasty details for the brides or grooms, but it also helps the members of the wedding know exactly what's expected of
them.
It's best to let everyone get their foot-work down before they go in front of an audience.

We aren't saying that your wedding is supposed to look like a finished professional production, all squeaky clean with no room for spontaneity or surprises. Not at all. In fact, once you've got the basics down pat, you'll be prepared to field any necessary ad-libbing. We know an actress whose picture-perfect ceremony was moving along as planned… until the vows. The bride discovered she had misplaced the paper on which the vows were written; she handled the situation by announcing to those gathered, “Please stand by. We are experiencing technical difficulties.” Everyone had a good giggle and waited while an attendant located the missing paper.

The rehearsal is most often held the night before the ceremony with a dinner following, but it can take place earlier than that or even the morning of the wedding. When you do it is not nearly as important as
that
you do it. And it's best to have everybody on hand, including attendants and musicians and of course the officiant, as well as all hand props (the ring, the veils, etc.).

Assign a helper bee—that obsessive-compulsive friend of yours who is not in the ceremony and who is organized enough to stage-manage. (This can also be someone you hire, but come on, we
know
you know someone like this who lives to tell everyone what to do.) Ask your helper bee to take notes and keep a to-do list of things needed for the big event, such as tape for putting Reserved signs on chairs or, if it's an outside wedding, a broom to give the area a quick sweep before guests arrive. Someone who'll cover all the details-details-details so that you won't have to.

If you're having an officiant, she or he can suggest some ideas for processional order and will talk through the broad strokes of the ceremony.

Write or have the helper bee write an outline of events (including the order in which the wedding party enters), notes on who does what when, and who carries what. Post this outline in an area offstage where it can be seen by all the participants (but not the guests; you don't want to give away your secrets).

Walk through the mechanical details of the ceremony to figure out things like who has the rings, who has the matches (if you're lighting candles—or planning on smoking), where your wedding-party people will stand and sit, where the musicians or entertainers will perform and then sit, where your ushers will sit, and so on.

Your helper bee should keep track of all the props (candles, flowers, and of course the rings) used in the ceremony, and later check to make sure everything is in place before you begin. This person should also collect any personal belongings that might have been left behind at the wedding site.

Music (live or prerecorded) should be incorporated in the rehearsal so that the musicians and/or whoever is in charge of turning the canned music on and off knows what and when to play, and how loud everything should be. Working with the actual music will help you and your attendants to time out the walk down the aisle so that the song doesn't end in the middle of your entrance.

If you're using a sound system for your voices, practice with it, set volumes, and do whatever is necessary to avoid that annoying feedback effect. (Unless you're looking to create a Woodstock atmosphere.)