The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (114 page)

Do you want to formally announce your marriage in the local newspaper? Prior to 1990, no mainstream newspaper offered commitment announcements, of any sort, for same-sex couples. But thanks to those who came before you, many papers around the country now accept announcements for civil unions and same-sex weddings, just the same as they do heterosexual marriages. The pioneers were the Austin
American Statesman
(Texas), the Brattleboro
Reformer
(Vermont), the Everett
Herald
(Washington), and the Marin
Independent Journal
(California), but today most communities have at least one inclusive newspaper.

You may initially meet resistance from a publication that hasn't caught on; maybe they'll say, “But how can we list you under ‘Marriages' when you're not legally married?” For an answer, look to George Pyle, editor of Kansas's Salina
Journal,
who dealt with backlash from the
Journal's
decision to print same-sex marriage announcements and wrote in an op-ed piece in the
New York Times
in 1993: “We quickly decided that we could not argue on the editorial page, as we had, for equal treatment for homosexuals and then deny equality on our own weddings page.… There is no reason why newspapers that print other marriages should reject gay announcements when they're offered. We can't claim it's not news. And we can't
hide behind the excuse that it is not legally recognized. Since when did newspapers let the government decide what they should print?”

If your local paper is resistant to printing your announcement, try telling them that beginning in 2002, the largest metropolitan newspaper in the United States, “The Grey Lady”—named for its staid appearance and style—the
New York Times
itself opened its weddings/celebrations pages to lesbian and gay couples. (Go to
www.nytimes.com/pages/fashion/weddings
.)

If you want to try and pioneer same-sex wedding announcements in your area, do the following:

1.
Call up the editor of whatever section prints wedding announcements—Style Page, Society Page, In and Around Town, etc.

2.
Ask them what the newspaper's policy is on listing same-sex unions.

3.
Ask them to send you a form that you can fill out so that you and your new spouse can be listed.

4.
Ask what requirements are regarding photographs—what size do they need to be, will they be returned, etc.

5.
Do it!

Then, of course, there are the oh-so-new ways to get the word out. On your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to “Married,” “In a Civil Union,” or “In a Domestic Partnership.” Create a Picasa web album of your photos to share with friends, family, and the world. Start a blog. Describe your ceremony on GLAAD's Announcing Equality website. You'll feel a part of something, but even better, your story will spur the kinds of everyday conversations that will change hearts and minds.

One of the big decisions faced by gay or lesbian couples who have gotten married is whether to change their names. The responses to this question range from “We felt it was an important statement to make to the world” to “I wouldn't do that even if you paid me huge sums of money.”

For some, changing last names brings up unsavory images of old systems of men “taking possession” of women, and so on; for others, changing to the same last name is symbolic of creating a new family. Oliver told us: “It was important for us to change our last names because we are our own family now. There used to be two families, now there's one. We changed our names to reflect that.”

Let's say you're considering changing your names. What are the options, and what is involved? We have found four different variations on the New Last Name Game:

Hyphenating.
This seems to be the most popular choice: you combine both of your last names, separated only by a tiny hyphen; still, there are a few glitches. You must decide what order they go in (usually one way just sounds better than the other). If you're planning on having kids, and they someday marry someone whose last name is also hyphenated, their kids will then have
four
last names. Also, hyphenated names tend to have a lot of letters in them; sometimes the entire name won't even fit on computer forms. The best thing about hyphenating is that you get to keep the name you've lived with your entire life; you just add to it.

One person taking the other's last name.
Bonnie Jones and Rebecca Allen get married; they become Bonnie and Rebecca Allen. Although it seems odd to some people, those who have gone this route claim it works for them. This way, one of you gets to keep the name you grew up with, and the two of you end up having the same last name, which is particularly good if you have kids. The drawback of course is that you must decide who loses the name. (If one of you is named Buttafuoco, this may be an easier call.)

Adding your spouse's name to yours.
This was actually pioneered by a famous non-gay couple—John Lennon and Yoko Ono. When they got married, John took Yoko's last name as his legal middle name and vice versa—making him John Ono Lennon and her Yoko Lennon Ono. The one drawback to this is that you still have different last names.

Choosing a new name altogether.
This means that the family has a common name, only it isn't a name that either of you had before. It's kind of exotic to be able to pick a whole new identity for yourselves—like they did for movie stars in the fifties; however, it can be confusing to your friends and family for a period of time. (“What's their new name again?”) Some couples create a one-word name from a combination of their two family names, blending parts of each.

I like to end the ceremony by presenting the couple to the congregation—which gives them a chance to tell everyone what the new names will be. There is a new tradition that I think is just great, where people are choosing a third name for themselves. A couple I married had both been on a Buddhist path and they wanted it to be a common name, so they chose Bell, for a mindfulness bell, so that every time they heard the name it would remind them of what was the deepest concern and commitment to them. They both kept their surnames and each added Bell.

—Reverend Mary Grigolia

To legally change your name, file a petition at your local courthouse. They'll lead you through the steps, and when it comes time to explain why you want to do it, we recommend that old standby, the truth: “We're changing our names because we're married.”

If you forego the courts and just start using a new name, be sure to be consistent, and research the legal ramifications, as laws vary from state to state. The name on your plane ticket should match the name on your passport and driver's license; your wage receipts must have a name that the IRS will recognize.

Submit name-change forms to credit card companies, the Department of Motor Vehicles, the Social Security Administration, your bank, the passport office, and all of the organizations to which you belong. Don't forget to update your medical records.

I would get married so I would never have to hear the word
partner
again. I like the word
boyfriend,
but now people feel like they have to say
partner
to be correct, and I think,
no, no, no, he's my boyfriend.
It wouldn't matter if I were 80, he'd still be my boyfriend. If we got married, I suppose he'd be my husband, but anything beats partner. Lately, a lot of heterosexual couples have started using
partner,
too, so now you don't even know who's gay.

—David Sedaris

Regardless of what you do about your names, you'll still be faced with the problem of nomenclature. What
do
you call this person now? Do you refer to him/her any differently than you did before you had a ceremony? Personally, we'd like to wave a magic wand and come up with a whole new word to describe a partner for life with whom you share sexual intimacies, a word that doesn't carry the baggage that comes with
wife
and
husband,
one that doesn't have the sexual overtones of
lover,
one that isn't as legalistic-sounding as
partner.