The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (110 page)

“I had three wonderful children, and hoped that they would all marry in the Jewish faith. When my daughter got married to a Jewish man, I was happy. When one of my sons married a lovely Southern Baptist, I was happy again. Then Bob met Jeff, who isn't Jewish and isn't a woman. But I've always said I'd stand behind him no matter what, and I'm very proud of him and happy for him. So here's to Bob and Jeff.”

The first dance traditionally starts with the wedding couple all alone on the dance floor. This dates back to ancient Prussia, where the noble bride would have the first dance with the king, followed by the prince and so on down the line, ending with maybe a page. The groom followed suit starting with the queen, and by the end of the evening, everyone had gotten a chance to dance with the newlyweds.

The music for the first dance is customarily a waltz, or anything slow. You should try to choose music that has significance for your relationship—“your song.” It could be the tune that was playing on the jukebox the night you met; it could be “My Guy” or “My Girl” (choose one).

Tradition says that during this one song, the wedding couple dances together, then the groom switches to the bride's mother and the bride to her father; then the father and mother of the groom join in, and then guests begin to join the new
family on the dance floor. It's pretty confusing, but it's nothing compared with what we know you'll be able to pull off with your permutations of gender and family. And we want to see those mothers dancing together!

Another photo op and a big wedding custom is the couple cutting the first slice of the cake and feeding each other little morsels. This whole cake bit symbolizes breaking bread, many shared meals together, and a home filled with prosperity. It's such a universal wedding ritual that it may be hard for you to avoid the temptation of buying a personalized knife for just this purpose.

Decide in advance who feeds whom first. Then each of you puts a hand on the knife (
Smile! Flash! Flash! Smile!
), and together you cut a slice of the cake and put it on a plate. (The caterer will help here, or you should have a serving plate handy.) With your fingers, feed each other a bite of the cake. Listen to the crowd cheer. Please, please, try to resist that tradition of smashing the cake all over the face of the person you allegedly love most in this world.

If your guests know their Emily Post, they won't dare leave the reception until you've cut the cake. Once the cake is cut and any other dessert is being served, it's a tip-off that the party's winding down. The band might play its last song, kids are getting cranky, guests take off their shoes and put their feet up on chairs, ties are loosened, and it's time for you to move on.

Before you take off from your reception, there are a few matters that must be attended to. (If you want to, that is. Hey, maybe you just want to sneak out the back door while
your
father is dancing the mambo with
her
father.) The following are the final steps to the getaway.

History:
The pagan bride used to take a bouquet of herbs and garlic with her to the new home; she'd set it on fire and smoke out any evil spirits that might be lingering, then she'd toss the charred bouquet outside.

The old way:
The bride tosses her flowers over her shoulder to the throng of unattached females who have been waiting for this moment ever since the engagement was announced—because the one to catch it is destined to be the next to marry. Then the groom takes the bride's garter and does the same routine for the single men.

The new way:
Depending on what you've decided to wear and carry, you may or may not have two bouquets and/or two garters. We say, use what ya got and have it be a unisex throng you're tossing to. And don't limit yourselves to flowers and garters. Jane felt so bad that certain people hadn't caught either of the bouquets that she threw the sash off her dress and a lace handkerchief before she could be restrained. Guys can have garters too, you know; or how about your boutonnieres? A gift certificate to your favorite restaurant? Or have a special bouquet made just for throwing.

You sneak away from the party and change into your going-away clothes, which are anything that's more comfortable. You then appear on a balcony above the crowd, like Evita, and say your good-byes. (“And would the last one to leave please turn out the lights?” is a good exit line.) This gives everyone a warning that it's time for another tradition:

History:
In days of yore, wedding guests threw seed-bearing plants (wheat, nuts, dates), an act that some scholars claim was to assure fertility; others feel the plants were bribes for any hovering evil spirits. (Feed 'em and they won't notice you zooming away.)

The old way:
Everyone makes a lot of noise and throws rice.

The new way:
Since it really isn't environmentally correct to throw rice anymore, you have your choice of rose petals, birdseed (the ultimate self-cleaning product—but only if you're outdoors), or biodegradable confetti (which you can get from those wedding catalogs and websites). Or throw oregano or other herbs, which are supposed to guarantee the couple a “spicy” life together.

History:
This is the part where the caveman groom was running with the bride over his shoulder and the bride's father was chasing them, throwing rocks, and screaming at the top of his lungs. In a later era, when humankind had invented shoes, the father took off his shoes and threw them.

The old way:
Dick and Jane speed off in a car that has been garishly decorated, including some of those symbolic shoes and noisy tin cans dragging behind.

The new way:
Dick and Tom speed off in a car that has been garishly decorated, including some of those symbolic shoes and noisy tin cans dragging behind.

We were driving down the Santa Monica freeway at one in the morning with a
JUST MARRIED
sign on the car, and everyone kept honking. Then they'd drive by and look at us with faces that said, “I don't understand.”

—Mark

I JUST LOVE YOUR DECOR

There are a number of things that can be used to decorate your car; in fact, there are even kits that contain “everything you need for great results without damage to the car”: crepe paper streamers, balloons, tissue bells, and a just married sign (see
www.wrap-withus.com
). Or use shaving cream, Silly String, white shoe polish, flowers, and photos. Buy a sign that says, newlyweds on board. But do not, under any circumstances, let anyone use paint (even water-based paint); it will never, ever come off, and you'll have to drive around for the rest of your car's life with “Sue and Maria, Off to Do the Wild Thing!” on the side of it.