The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (92 page)

Understand that everyone's time is valuable and folks might consider the hours spent helping you address envelopes or creating a dish for the reception to be wedding gift enough.

If you receive a large engagement gift or shower gift, consider it The Wedding Present.

Never announce in the wedding invitation where you're registered; it's still considered rude. Tell a good friend and allow him/her to spread the word; however, if you're asked directly, by all means tell.

If some of the people you send an invitation to can't attend the wedding, traditional etiquette says that they're still supposed to send a present. We say a loving note from them is just as good.

Gifts are supposed to be sent to the couple, not brought to the wedding, thus relieving the couple of the responsibility of finding a safe place to put the gifts during the festivities. Everyone breaks this rule, so assign someone the task of keeping track for you and making sure all the cards are taped to the correct packages.

If you don't get a present from some people within a few weeks of the wedding, don't be insulted and don't despair that they don't love you anymore. The etiquette gurus say that they have a full year after the wedding to find and send just the right gift. (And allow your closest friends to apply for an extension if need be.)

Finally, here's a single rule for givers and receivers alike: wedding gifts are supposed to be unexpected, delightful, and given with love to start the couple out on a new chapter in life.

Enough said.

Well, not quite enough.

Let's face it: aside from your wedding, when else do so few get so much from so many? Couples can get carried away and obsess about not blowing this golden opportunity to haul in the loot. Their minds turn to the countless wedding and shower gifts they bought for their nongay friends, and they begin to see each guest as another person who can chip in for that plasma TV they want.

And on the other side of the cash register you have the would-be gift giver who is going through his or her own traumas. (“Should I give them something practical or something they'd never buy for themselves?”) Some want to give something that will remind you of them every time you look at it. One bridesmaid hated the idea of buying her friends two wineglasses through a gift registry because she thought,
When there are a dozen glasses on the table, how will Connie and Stephanie know which two are from me?
Then
there's your pal from college who shows you how much he loves you by giving you a healing crystal to hold when you need faith and inspiration, not knowing that the crystal you were hoping for was more along the lines of Baccarat.

Everybody, just relax.

To help organize the good intentions of gift givers in a way that they can help you to achieve your nuptial-gift goals (sounds like a contract, doesn't it?), the convention of the gift registry has been adopted. Here's the lowdown:

To Cousin Bernice, “picking a china pattern together” is just a euphemism for getting married; she would never consider one without the other. You, however, may have let out a scream when we mentioned this convention. We know, registering seems like something right out of the 1950 version of
Father of the Bride.
And, yes, we are aware that the original point of registering was to assist the young bride in assembling a set of heirloom-quality bone china, silver, or stemware. This ensured that the bride got exactly what she desired, and guests felt that they were contributing something important to civilization: a butter knife.

But look at registering this way: who knows better what gift to give than the couple receiving the gifts—i.e., you? All of your guests want you to be happy with your gift, so telling them what would make you happy in advance should make everyone happy all around, no? Plus, the fact that you register doesn't mean that your guests have to choose that gift option. They're free to do what they feel most comfortable with.

For gay couples, registering is much more than making a wish list of wedding gifts. When you register, you are telling the world and your guests, “This is the real thing going on here, folks.” People who get married register for wedding gifts. When you walk over to that department store counter, look the blue-haired lady in the eye and explain that you want to register for a non-traditional wedding, you become an ambassador for same-sex marriages. And, in a way, the guests who choose to use your registry are also making a political statement by publicly supporting your union.

Warning

W
E SHOULD MENTION
here that lots of places still call the place where you register the “
bridal
registry,” which may not settle so well with two grooms. Some stores have services that are equivalent to bridal registries but are called simply
gift registry.
These services are available for anyone for any occasion, such as graduations, birthday parties, or housewarmings.

1.
Before you begin, take stock and think about what you really want to own together as a married couple. In America today, people are getting married at an older age and often already have the essentials that would normally be associated with a bridal registry. So in thinking about gifts, before you go to register, consider what items you want to “upgrade” and what needs to be added to in terms of what you already have.

2.
Go to prospective stores and look around. If you choose a large department store, take advantage of the home-electronics department as well as furniture, clothing, and sporting goods.

3.
Try to call in advance to see if it's necessary to make an appointment. (Plus, if you have any uneasiness about coming out to Macy's as a same-sex couple, it might be easier for you over the phone.) Then it's down to business: walk into the registry section and tell them that you need to register for a wedding. They'll probably ask you the names of the bride and groom. If you haven't told them your tale over the phone, this is the time to hit them with “Well, you see, it's like this.…”

4.
You'll be asked to fill out a general data sheet on which there is in some cases a space for the bride's name and another for the groom's name. You can cross out the inappropriate title on the form, but the correction will not appear on the computer printout.

5.
Your selections will go into a directory (almost always computerized) under your name and wedding date. This info is fed into the computers of any other branches the store may have. As your friends and family select from the list at the registry and gifts are bought, a notation is made so that there is no chance of duplication.

Online gift registries make it easier for you, the modern couple, to get nearly anything your little hearts desire without even leaving your den. You probably never noticed online registries because you never really looked. For example, go to
Amazon.com
and click on the wedding registry icon. You get to decide what each of you wants to be called (bride and bride, groom and groom, or just partner). Then shop to your heart's content (which might take days if you're prone to Internet ADD or decision-making anxiety issues.) Once decisions are made, add your loot to your wish list and you're finished.