The Girl With No Past (17 page)

But I’m wrong to think that maybe now Adam will enjoy himself. Seconds later he grabs my arm and tells us all he’s had enough and we should get to Burger King.

Adam walks me home afterwards and we stand outside my house, leaning against the overgrown hedge that Dad never gets around to trimming. We are hidden from my parents’ view here so Adam wraps his arms around me and kisses me. His lips are cold but I still like it and wish he could come inside with me. When he pulls away, he smiles.

‘Did you see that bitch this evening? I can’t believe it was so easy.’

Frowning, I ask him what he means.

‘Miss Hollis, of course. She fell so easily. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it at first, without her seeing me, but it was so crowded and she was so engrossed in that man, so…’

‘I thought it was an accident.’

‘It was. I just gave fate a bit of a helping hand, that’s all.’

‘But that person nearly skated into her head.’

Adam scrunches up his face and lets go of my hand. ‘Yeah, but they didn’t. She’s fine. Just a few scratches and a sore arse probably. What’s the big deal?’

He grabs me again and pulls me towards him, his lips warmer this time. And I forget all about Miss Hollis because Adam is happy. He is mine and that’s all that matters.

FIFTEEN

In the harsh light of day it is easy to mistrust things that have happened the night before. And that is what I did the morning after Julian’s disappearing act. My first thought was that he’d stolen something, but my laptop was the only valuable thing I owned and that was on the kitchen worktop, exactly where I’d left it. I never had cash in the flat and the only jewellery I owned – a crucifix necklace that belonged to my grandmother – still hung around my neck.

Maria was always talking about men who only wanted sex, and as soon as they’d got it would never be seen again. But Julian and I had barely touched so that couldn’t be it. I wondered if he’d felt rejected when I made no move to kiss him further, but that didn’t make sense either. He hadn’t exactly tried anything other than kissing my forehead, and he was the one who had stopped, not me.

So that left only one other option. At some point in the evening, Julian had changed his mind about me.

My head ached, and I felt dizzy, as if I’d drunk a gallon of wine instead of just elderflower juice and green tea, but I had no painkillers. As with alcohol, I didn’t like medicines coursing through my body. I gulped tap water, but it did little to stem the flood of pain, so I went back to the sofa and rested my head on the arm.

Looking around, it wasn’t hard to see why Julian had gone off me. My flat was a soulless shell, showing no personality, and although we had got on well, I wasn’t the chirpy, flirty type he must be used to. I was just me. I wanted to tell myself if he didn’t like me for who I was then it was his problem, that I wouldn’t change for any man, but regret that I hadn’t made more effort bubbled inside me.

Across the room, I could see through the window that it was snowing again. Small, delicate flakes that floated past the window and made me shiver. I got up to turn on the electric radiator and checked the time. Half an hour was all I’d be able to leave it on for, otherwise the cost would be astronomical. But things would be better once I’d got my promotion, maybe I’d even think about moving somewhere nicer. With more character and central heating. Even as I thought it, I doubted I would bother. I could change my surroundings but nothing would change me.

I still had a couple of hours before I had to leave for work but was unsure how to fill them. It was Sunday morning so Mum wouldn’t be home, and I didn’t want to check the website. Julian was probably on there right now, searching for someone else. And for once I didn’t feel like picking up a book.

While I decided what to do, I made scrambled eggs on toast and sat at the kitchen table, still in my clothes from last night. Julian’s scent still lingered on my t-shirt so I didn’t want to change yet. I knew whatever we had was finished before it had begun, but needed a few more moments to let it go.

The scrambled eggs were too runny but I wolfed them down, hoping my head would feel better once I’d eaten. This was how things were meant to be: me eating alone at my tiny kitchen table. I’d been foolish to think anything could change. But at least I hadn’t heard from the emailer. Things would be normal again now.

Apart from my headache, I started to feel better by the time I got to work, so the smile I gave Maria as I joined her behind the desk was genuine. I had been okay before I met Julian so there was no reason why I wouldn’t be now.

‘Sam wants us to put up the Christmas decorations now,’ Maria said. It was already the beginning of December so I wasn’t surprised by Sam’s request. In fact, if anything, it was later than we usually left it.

‘Don’t you just love this time?’ Maria continued. ‘The atmosphere. People actually being nice when they aren’t normally.’ Her eyes narrowed as she said this.

I smiled and pretended to agree with her. Christmas was something I just needed to get over with. I told her we should decorate after lunch, when it might be a bit quieter, and secretly hoped the decorations had been lost, stolen or burnt to a crisp.

For a few hours I replenished and tidied shelves, lost in the job I was doing, letting nothing else infiltrate my thoughts. So when someone tapped me on the shoulder I gasped out loud, and the book I was holding dropped to the floor.

I spun around and Ben stood before me, already picking up the book and handing it back to me. ‘Sorry about that. I always seem to do that to people.’

‘It’s okay. Are you here to see me?’

‘Yeah, was just on a call. Thought I’d pop in and see how Saturday went.’ I didn’t need this reminder. All day I’d tried my best to forget about Julian and now it couldn’t be avoided. Before I could answer, Maria popped her head around the shelves, stopping short when she registered Ben’s presence.

‘Oh, sorry…I, um, just wondered where you were. I couldn’t see you from the desk.’ She held her hand out to Ben. ‘Hi, again.’ Her tone became frosty and I had no idea why.

‘Do you need me?’ I asked, but she shook her head and disappeared again.

When I turned back to Ben he was frowning. ‘What was all that about?’

‘I’m not sure. Maybe she thinks I’m leaving her to do all the work.’ But even as I said this I knew Maria wouldn’t think that.

Ben gave a half-smile. ‘Oh, sorry. I shouldn’t be disturbing you at work. I’ll go.’

‘She’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘And I haven’t had a break yet.’

‘Well, I just came in to give you this.’ He handed me a small white carrier bag.

Confused, I took the bag and pulled out a book. It was by an author I’d never read before and was clearly a crime thriller. Ben chuckled. ‘I thought you should give it a chance,’ he said. ‘You might surprise yourself.’

I couldn’t help but laugh then, taken aback by his thoughtfulness. I may have been happy to step back into my solitary life, now that Julian was out of the picture, but I was still grateful to have met Ben. It had been years since I’d had anyone resembling a friend. I thought Maria was there for me, but there was something I was unsure of. Other than telling me about the men that came and went from her life, I knew very little about her. I still had my guard up with Ben, but the more I knew of him the more I liked him.

But not in the way I liked Julian.

I thanked Ben and promised I’d read it. I had already picked out the next few books I was planning to read but I would read Ben’s first. I owed him that much.

He looked pleased. ‘I’ll ask you questions, just to make sure. Anyway—’

‘Oh no.’ I had just spotted someone coming into the library. The last person I expected to see.

Julian.

The barrier I’d spent the morning building crashed down and I couldn’t help but feel pleased. He had come all this way to see me. But I still needed to know what had happened last night.

I turned back to Ben and told him it was Julian walking towards the desk. He was out of sight then and I didn’t dare move. What if he saw me with Ben and thought he was my boyfriend? I had no time to think about what to do because Maria was leading Julian over, a frown on her face as she puzzled over what she was witnessing. For months I hadn’t even mentioned a man and now two had turned up to see me. It might have been humorous if I hadn’t been so worried about what Julian would think.

‘I’d better leave you to it,’ Ben said, winking.

But before either of us could move, Julian was there, right in front of me, holding out his hand and presenting me with a bunch of flowers. I couldn’t tell what they were – I knew nothing about flowers or plants – but they looked expensive. I had never been given flowers before and didn’t know how I should feel. Excited probably. But all I could think of was why Julian was here now, holding out flowers I didn’t deserve, when only hours ago I had written him off.

‘These are for you,’ he said, his face flushing because I still hadn’t taken them.

Maria had walked back to the desk already and Ben was hanging back but it still must have been hard for Julian to make such a display.

I reached for them, still unsure what was going on. ‘I…thanks. They’re lovely. I didn’t think I’d see you…After…’

‘I’m so sorry about last night. I had to get back but didn’t want to wake you. I looked for a pen to scribble you a note but there weren’t any in the house. And I didn’t have your number.’

Julian looked down at his shoes, but he needn’t have bothered avoiding my gaze because I was also too embarrassed to look directly at him. He was offering me plenty of excuses and they all made sense. The only pen I owned was in my coat pocket and we had both forgotten to exchange numbers. But he had my email address, so why hadn’t he emailed me? And it still felt strange that I’d fallen asleep next to him.

‘I know I could have emailed you,’ Julian said, as if he could read my thoughts. ‘But I’m such an idiot and only thought of that on my way here.’

‘Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it?’ I said, deciding not to make an issue of it. ‘And thanks again for these.’ I held up the flowers and breathed in their scent. They would brighten up my flat but I would need to buy a vase on the way home. ‘Oh, this is Ben.’

Ben stepped forward and held out his hand to Julian. ‘Good to meet you. So, Leah says you’re a civil servant? That must be interesting.’

A frown creased Julian’s forehead and for a moment he made no move to shake Ben’s hand. I held my breath, wondering what would happen, but then he slowly leaned forward and gave Ben’s hand a brief, loose shake. ‘Yeah, that’s right. And you are?’

‘Ben. Leah’s friend.’ I hadn’t been called anyone’s friend for years and it felt odd. I wondered who the last person to label me their friend was. Imogen? Corey? Adam?

When Julian didn’t reply, Ben took the hint and excused himself. I hoped he could sense my silent gratitude and apology as I said goodbye, but I had a feeling, after Julian’s rudeness, I wouldn’t hear from Ben again.

Once he’d gone, Julian seemed to relax and apologised again for his disappearing act. ‘Can I take you for dinner? To make up for it.’

I could feel Maria’s gaze on us so I began filling the shelves again. ‘You don’t need to do that. Honestly, it’s fine.’

‘But I want to. I just…never mind. Are you free on Friday evening?’

Julian’s words filled me with pleasure. Not since Adam had I had even the slightest prospect of a date, let alone a second date. It was terrifying as well as exciting.

Even though I felt that way, for a brief moment I considered saying no. Letting Julian into my life was inviting complications and things had been simple before. But didn’t someone even as messed up as me deserve a stab at happiness? It was about time I tried to build a life for myself.

Without further thought I agreed to dinner. I knew I wasn’t letting him see how thrilled I was, but I had learnt from everything Maria had inadvertently taught me with her ramblings.

Julian finally smiled. ‘Great. I’ll meet you at yours then we can go to eat somewhere near you.’

As he said this, I pictured my depressing tiny flat and the two of us sitting watching TV again on my uncomfortable two-seater sofa. Would it be better to go to his? I worried about travel all the way to Bethnal Green, but his flat was bound to be more welcoming than mine. Plus, seeing how he decorated and arranged his furniture would give me a further glimpse of his character. Not that it would make any difference if he lived in a mouldy, decaying shack; I was already hooked.