The Girl With No Past (19 page)

I’ve pictured this moment a thousand times but never like this. We are always in a bed – whose I don’t know – and it is warm and comfortable. Romantic. This is just weird. Cold and uncomfortable. But it’s Adam. The boy I want to be with forever, so what does it matter? This might be our first time but we’ll have plenty more. More chances to make it better.

‘You’ll probably need to come over here,’ Adam says, and I realise I’ve been standing like a statue, staring at him without saying a word.

I can’t let him think I don’t want to do it, don’t want him, so I kneel down on his coat and cuddle up to him to try and keep warm.

And everything that follows happens so quickly, yet slowly at the same time. Adam fumbles around with my skirt and I am almost paralysed by fear, so there is no excitement, just apprehension. Even when I feel an intense surge of pain, and Adam moves around on top of me, I don’t believe we are doing it. I ask him and he laughs. ‘Course,’ he says. And in that moment I know with certainty that he has done this before.

Afterwards, I can’t stop smiling. I can feel Adam’s hot breath against my neck and I no longer feel cold. So we’ve finally done it. I don’t feel any different, just very sore. I’m glad we’ve done it, though; next time will be easier and better, I’m sure of this.

Adam asks if I’m okay and I nod, sure that if I speak my voice will be an embarrassing breathless squeak. Still fully clothed, we cuddle together, both of us lost in our thoughts. I want to ask him if he’s happy, but I don’t want to be one of those needy, desperate girls.

Thankfully, he speaks first. ‘You’re special,’ he says. I swallow up the compliment and feel weightless. But a few seconds later, Adam jumps up. ‘We’d better go. We don’t want any teachers finding us here. Especially that bitch, Hollis.’

And with those words everything Adam felt earlier must come rushing back because that dark look appears on his face again. I may have been able to take his mind off it temporarily, but now he’s right back where he started, and so am I. With a boyfriend who cares more about his hate campaign against his teacher than he does about me.

As soon as I get home, I rush upstairs to avoid my parents. I’m sure they will know. I might not feel different but maybe I look different? Or walk different? I haven’t even checked whether I’m bleeding. But I’m only in my bedroom for a few seconds when Mum calls me down. I keep my jacket on and trudge downstairs to face the music.

They know. I am convinced they know.

‘Why did you rush upstairs?’ Mum asks. ‘We wanted to tell you how proud we are of you. Where did you get to anyway? Have you been with Imogen?’

Mum fires so many questions at me I don’t know which one to answer first. But at least she hasn’t guessed what I’ve done.

‘Yeah,’ I lie. ‘We just hung around for a bit.’ I glance at Dad and he squints his eyes. He doesn’t believe me. But worse than that, there is disappointment painted on his face.

‘Dad’s going out to get some fish and chips,’ Mum says. ‘We thought we’d treat you.’

‘Thanks,’ I say, not feeling hungry at all. ‘I’ll just go and change. I’m a bit cold.’

‘Yes. Well, it is a bit silly to wear such a thin skirt in this weather.’ Mum looks me up and down and I rush upstairs before she has a chance to work anything out.

Just before eleven o’clock, Dad knocks on my door and asks if I’m awake. I could pretend to be asleep but curiosity gets the better of me; these days Dad avoids my room like the plague.

‘I just want to say how proud I was to hear the way the teachers praised you this evening,’ he says, coming in and sitting on my desk chair. ‘But keep up the good work, don’t get complacent. Your GCSEs are in a few months.’

‘I know, Dad. I study every day.’

He nods, unable to refute my statement. ‘Just don’t get distracted. That’s what I’m trying to say.’

Now the real reason for his visit becomes clear. I could stop this now and just promise I won’t, but I want to hear what his problem is.

‘Dad, I’m not getting distracted. Why do you think that?’ I have forced him to show his hand.

‘Boys are a distraction,’ he says, staring at the floor.

I sit up in bed. ‘You mean Adam? Why are you always on his case? He’s done nothing wrong, just leave him alone!’ I’m shrieking now and it won’t be long before Mum rushes in to defend Dad.

‘Just calm down and keep your voice down. Do you want the neighbours thinking we’re hooligans?’

I do as he asks and lower my voice, but I’m still furious. ‘Why have you got it in for Adam?’

Dad looks up at me for the first time and again I see disappointment on his face. ‘He’s just not good for you, Leah. You need to focus on your GCSEs and getting ready for A-levels, and it’s not good for you to be so…distracted.’ That word again.

I tell Dad this is ridiculous. That Adam is doing really well in school, even better than me, in fact. But it falls on deaf ears.

‘I won’t let you make a mistake, Leah,’ he says, as he walks out. ‘You’re not seeing him outside of school again.’

It is strange to hear Dad making this demand. Usually he leaves discipline up to Mum, so I know he is serious. I wonder if there is any way he can know what Adam and I did this evening, but how could he? It’s not as if there’s a sign stuck to my head advertising that I’m no longer a virgin.

I keep expecting Mum to come and see me but she doesn’t, making me think they planned this together and Dad is not the only one who has a problem with Adam.

I turn off my lamp and roll onto my side, letting the pillow soak up all my tears. It’s so unfair. I work hard at school and never get in trouble yet I’m being punished for being in love. I feel betrayed. Isolated. They haven’t even listened to my point of view. But I don’t care what they say; I will never give up Adam. In five more months I’ll be free to do what I want, and I won’t have to put up with them any more.

That night, after the tears stop, I fall asleep picturing being with Adam in the summer. Free from the constraints of parents. Our whole lives ahead of us, and a world that’s ours for the taking.

SEVENTEEN

I went to work on Monday. Forced myself to shower, dress and walk out of the door, even though all my instincts screamed at me to run back inside, lock the door and shut the world out. But there was no way I could take any more time off work. I had already called in sick after the mugging and didn’t want to piss Sam off. Besides, I had the promotion to think about.

But the attack – whatever it was – had shaken me to my core. Yes, it had only been water, but those seconds when I hadn’t known had stretched out before me and shown me a glimpse of a life I shuddered to think about.

I could fool other people but I couldn’t delude myself into believing I was an innocent victim. I needed to know who I was up against. I wanted a chance to defend myself.

It was only seven a.m. when I reached Garratt Lane. I wasn’t due at work until eight-thirty, but I hadn’t slept more than a few minutes, so there was little point in staying in bed. Walking helped me think, the action making me feel I was doing something, at least.

I was now convinced my emailer was not about to let things drop. It was as if he could see my every move and hear my thoughts. Why else would he have picked that moment when I was actually feeling quite good? Julian and I had arranged to meet up again and, for once, things had looked up. That’s what made it worse. And now, every second I was awake I felt as if there were eyes upon me. Even more sinister was the fact I didn’t know who they belonged to.

Pulling up my hood, I constantly checked around me as I walked. I had to expect that anything could happen, and I needed to be prepared. Whoever this person was wouldn’t win if they couldn’t take me by surprise, would they? But there was nothing out of the ordinary that morning; just the usual workers heading to offices or shops. Nobody gave me a second glance.

Last night had shown me that I had to do something about this; I couldn’t just sit by while someone tried to destroy whatever life I actually had. It wasn’t a great life but it was mine, and I wasn’t going to let someone else dictate it for me.

I reached the café, which was surprisingly quiet, and ordered a hot chocolate and a croissant. Then, after a quick look around, I headed to a table at the back. From my seat I could see anyone who might come in. At that moment only one table was occupied, and I didn’t think the two men wearing paint-stained overalls were any threat. They had their heads buried in newspapers and stuffed crusty rolls into their mouths without once looking in my direction. But still, I had to be prepared.

With this new attitude, I felt stronger. It was like a coat of armour, protecting me against whatever was to come, because there would be much worse. I was sure of that. And by the time the waitress brought my breakfast over, I already had the seed of a plan.

I needed help and there was only one person I could ask. I couldn’t be sure I wasn’t making a mistake, but I was out of options. There was no way I could burden Julian with this, and the help Dr Redfield could offer would be limited. Besides, I still hadn’t been able to get hold of her. Maria was out of the question; even though I had no idea what it was, there was something preventing me from opening up to her. So that just left Ben. I would call him at lunchtime.

Biting into my croissant, I watched pastry flakes flutter down my coat and tried to free my mind of all other thoughts.

As the library only opened to the public at nine a.m., it was quiet when I got there. I couldn’t see Maria, but her bag was shoved under the front desk and the computer was logged on to her account.

‘There you are,’ Sam said, making me jump.

I spun around and she was right behind me. I hadn’t even heard her. If this was an example of me being on alert then I would have serious problems. She looked different, somehow, and it took me a few seconds to realise she’d cut several inches off her hair.

‘Can we talk?’ she said. No hello or good morning. Just a command. This wasn’t good. She didn’t even wait for a reply but whipped around and headed upstairs to her office.

It wasn’t often we got to see Sam’s office, which was more of a storeroom, and being there didn’t feel right. I wondered if she had news about the promotion and decided that must be it. There was no other reason for this unscheduled meeting. But her formal tone puzzled me.

‘Have a seat,’ she said, pointing to a plastic chair that looked as if it had been stolen from a school.

I had barely sat down before she continued speaking. ‘I’m afraid we’re not going to invite you to an interview for the senior librarian position. I’m sorry.’

Staring at her, my mouth dropped open and I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I hadn’t been expecting this; it didn’t make any sense. Only days ago Sam had been urging me to apply for the job.

‘I, um…’

Sam’s expression was stony, but she forced her mouth into a half-smile. ‘Of course this doesn’t change anything with your current position. I want to make that clear.’

A jumble of questions competed for attention in my head, but I couldn’t form a single one. I continued staring at Sam, watching her forehead crease into a frown when I didn’t speak. Eventually I managed a nod, and for some reason a thank you came out with it. I was thanking her for snatching away a rare piece of happiness that had come my way.

Downstairs, Maria sat at the computer and didn’t raise her head when I appeared. I considered ignoring her but I was at a loss as to why we were playing this game. ‘Morning,’ I said, trying to make my voice cheerful.

She looked up, startled. ‘Oh, I didn’t realise you were in. You’re not starting till nine, are you?’

I explained that I’d woken up early and thought I’d make the most of the morning, but she didn’t seem convinced. She was probably thinking I was keeping even more from her. This shouldn’t have surprised her. I was a closed book, probably even one with a padlock.

‘Can you watch the desk this morning?’ she said. ‘Sam’s asked me to supervise the study area.’ She didn’t look at me as she spoke, but clicked away on the keyboard.

I told her that was fine but I needed to do something first. Feeling her eyes on me all the way, I headed off to the toilet, praying I would find it empty.