The Girl With No Past (29 page)

I thanked her for calling back and she responded with a grunt. Now that she was on the other end of the phone I had no idea what to say to her. I’d hoped to get her advice about Julian, but given the mood she seemed to be in, how could I bring him up now? Deciding to talk about work instead, I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it.

‘Actually, I’m glad you called. I want to talk to you. But not on the phone.’ She paused for a moment, rustling something that could have been her bag. ‘I’ll come over to you. I just need half an hour.’

This was all wrong. She hadn’t spoken to me for days and now she was inviting herself to my flat. Again.

‘No,’ I said, still in shock. ‘But I can come to you.’

When she didn’t respond, I quickly added that I was redecorating the flat and it was in no state for visitors. We both knew it was a lie but she didn’t waste time challenging me.

‘Okay,’ she said, making no attempt to hide her annoyance. ‘I’ll text you my address. Half an hour. Please come, it’s important.’

When she hung up, I stared at my phone, wondering if I was going crazy and had imagined the whole conversation. I checked my watch and it was eight-forty-five. That meant it would be after nine before I made it to Maria’s. I wondered if she was in some kind of trouble and needed my help; but what assistance could I be when I couldn’t even straighten out my own life?

Her text came through with an address I’d never heard of. Heathfield Gardens. I checked Google Maps on my phone and saw that it was close to Wandsworth Common. If I attempted to walk it would be nearer ten p.m. by the time I got there, so I called a cab, the woman who answered telling me it would be at least ten minutes before it got to me.

I threw on my coat and scarf and grabbed my bag, choosing to wait downstairs in the hallway rather than outside. At least that way there was a barrier between me and whoever was out there, watching me.

As I sat in the taxi I felt like a puppet, being moved about by someone else. I didn’t want to go to Maria’s house with no clue why I was going there. I also didn’t want to hunt down a person who had taken it upon themselves to torment me, to infiltrate my life. I just wanted to be left alone.

Half an hour later I stood outside Maria’s huge house, wondering how she could afford such a lovely home on our salary. At first I’d assumed the house must be converted into flats, but it was number ten, and as far as I could tell it was just one property. I shouldn’t have been surprised; there was so little I knew about her other than the fact she was looking for the right man. Maybe she had already found him and fate had conspired to keep them apart. Nobody wanted to consider that possibility. Only I had no choice but to think about it.

She answered the door in jeans and a hooded top, and it was strange to see her dressed so casually. Her mouth turned up at the corner, but it wasn’t a smile. I didn’t know what it was, but once again I questioned what I was doing there. Not speaking, she moved aside to let me in and I stepped into her hall. It didn’t feel much warmer inside than it was on the other side of the door so I made no move to take off my coat or scarf, and neither did she suggest it.

‘Coffee?’ she said, heading to the end of the hall.

I followed her into the kitchen, which was smaller than I’d have expected for a house like this, and looked as if it had only recently been fitted.

‘Have a seat.’ She flicked the kettle switch and grabbed two mugs from a cupboard.

Her words weren’t delivered in a kind way, as if she’d been thinking of me and was doing something nice. Instead, they were tinged with resentment. I still wasn’t sure what I’d done to cause this tension between us.

The white kitchen table was too big for the room and had enough space for six chairs. I wondered why Maria, who as far as I knew lived on her own, needed all that space, but I kept quiet. Now was not the time for personal questions. I pulled out one of the chairs but perched on the end, unable to make myself too comfortable. Something didn’t feel right, and until I knew what it was I would remain on edge.

Placing my drink on the table, rather than sitting down herself, Maria headed back to the worktop and propped herself up against it. ‘You’re a good liar, aren’t you, Leah?’ She almost spat the question at me and it seemed to come from nowhere.

I turned to her, frowning, but didn’t know what to say. It seemed to take forever before I could get any words out. ‘What…what are you talking about? Look, if this is about the promotion—’

‘Oh, come on!’ she continued. ‘Do you really think I care about that? I’m happy with the job I’ve got.’

Stifling the panic that was rising in my chest, I tried to keep my voice steady. ‘Then what’s this about?’

She started shaking her head. ‘I wanted us to be friends, Leah, I really did. Even though you weren’t very open, I understood that. I thought it would change the longer we worked together, so I tried to make our friendship work. But deep down, I knew.’

I had no idea where she was going with this, but I needed her to spit it out. I repeated my question. ‘Knew what? What’s this about, Maria? Are you going to tell me or not?’

She rolled her eyes. ‘I knew that there was something off about you. It was that thing about your cousin that got me thinking. It just didn’t add up. In fact, nothing about you added up. The thing is, while you’ve been distancing yourself from everyone at work, I’ve actually been forging friendships, and it’s taken a while but I’ve come to really like Sam. I respect her. And she deserves to know who she’s employed.’

Right at that moment my heart felt as if it had fallen to my stomach. My chest tightened and I could barely focus on what Maria was saying.

She knew.

She knew all about me.

‘That man. Julian. He’s not your cousin.’ She delivered this statement then stared at me, her stern face challenging me to deny it. What was the point? She wouldn’t have asked me here if she didn’t already know everything.

I stood up. I had heard enough and it felt as if the walls were closing in on me.

‘Sit down. Believe me, you’ll want to hear what I have to say.’

As I watched her, it dawned on me that the woman I was staring at was my emailer. My tormentor. She had to be. But hadn’t the messages started before Maria had seen Julian at the library? None of this made sense.

‘How…how do you know that?’

Her eyes seemed to burn into me. ‘You’re really asking me that? That’s the most important thing is it? Do you know what the worst of it is? That you made up a story about your grandmother dying. That’s what you said the flowers were for, remember? How could you live with yourself?’

‘I…’

‘Save your bullshit, Leah. Just don’t bother. Because the truth is, you’ve done far worse than that, haven’t you?’

And then she came out with it. Told me things that for years I’d tried hard to hide from everyone, including myself. I closed my eyes while she spoke, reliving every moment, even though she was only providing an outline. When she’d finished, a heavy silence hung in the air and I felt empty. In a way, I was relieved. Whatever she wanted, at least this would soon be over.

‘You know, I wondered why your flat was so soulless. But it all makes sense now. You’re used to the bare, minimalistic look, aren’t you?’

‘Just tell me what you want.’ My voice was shaky, matching exactly how my legs felt, and it was a miracle I had remained upright for this long.

She ignored me and continued her speech. ‘Are you even sorry?’

I turned to her then, hoping she would see the truth in my eyes, if she didn’t believe my words. ‘Every day of my life.’

Seeming to consider this for a moment, she leaned her elbows on the table and rested her chin in her hands. ‘Do you know, when I first called you, I had no intention of confronting you. I just wanted to see if you would do the right thing and come clean. But you wouldn’t have, would you?’

Now was the time for honesty, so I shook my head. ‘No. Probably not.’

‘And you lied on your application form, didn’t you? Left things out you were obliged to inform your employer.’

I nodded, a familiar wave of shame and guilt flooding through me.

‘All those people. All those lives ruined. Why don’t you put it right now?’ Her voice was softer as she said this, filling me with hope that I would get out of there in one piece. ‘You need to tell Sam that you’re leaving. Tomorrow. I don’t care if you tell her the truth, but you just need to leave.’

‘What?’ I had to get her to repeat what she’d just said, because I wasn’t sure I’d heard right. After everything, could this really be all she wanted? Why was she letting me off so lightly?

She said it again, and there was no room for doubt when she finished her sentence by telling me to get out of her house.

I wasted no time rushing into the hall and pulling open the front door, stepping out into the cold, refreshing air. Taking in a lungful of it because I was seconds away from being sick.

Following behind me, Maria stood in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe. I turned back to her. ‘So that’s it? You’re not going to do anything?’

Her forehead creased. ‘Do anything? Like what? As long as you tell Sam you’re leaving immediately and get the hell away from the library. I never want to see your face again.’

Facing the door once more, and the pavement outside, I could still feel her eyes on me.

‘A similar thing happened to my sister, you know. That person got away with it too, and guess what? She has to work with him day in and day out. Now get the hell away from me.’

‘How did you know?’ I asked, once again turning to face her. ‘Who are you?’ It was a question I should have asked at the beginning, but had been too numb to think of.

‘The email. It told me everything. More than I want to know. And what do you mean, who am I? You’re even more messed up than I thought.’

The slam of the door reverberated in the silent night.

I should have called a taxi then. It was nearly eleven p.m. and the streets were quiet – no place for anyone, let alone me, to be walking alone – but I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting around outside Maria’s. I glanced back at the house and she was there in the window, a black shadow watching me and making no effort to hide the fact. That helped make my mind up. I would risk the walk.

It wasn’t too bad to start with and the further I got from Maria’s, the clearer my head felt. So she wasn’t my tormentor, but whoever it actually was had told Maria everything, forcing me to give up my job. If I admitted the truth to Sam then she would have no choice but to let me go. Apart from what I had done, I had lied on my application form. That meant immediate dismissal. And if I kept quiet then Maria would tell her.

As I walked, the roads began to feel endless, as if daylight would arrive before I made it home. It was ironic that for years I had punished myself by barely living a life, yet the moment I wanted to set myself free, it was snatched away from me piece by piece. As much as it hurt, I could deal with not having Julian, but my job was the one secure thing in my life.

I couldn’t let this continue. This person was winning; they had taken everything from me and I needed to find them before they found me. Because there was only one thing left for them to take.

Eventually I turned onto Garratt Lane. There were more people around now, but that was of little comfort; it was easier to be alert when there were fewer faces to scrutinise. I flinched every time someone passed me, my body tensing, preparing for an attack of some sort. But nothing happened. Nobody so much as glanced at me, although I continued to feel on edge.

Once I turned onto Allfarthing Road, I increased my pace, spurred on by the promise of safety only moments away. Making it to my road somehow felt like a victory.

Inside my flat, I changed into my nightshirt, throwing my thick towelling dressing gown over the top. But I couldn’t get warm. Turning on the electric heater, I stood by the living room window waiting for the heat to kick in.

And that’s when I saw him. Sitting on a low wall across the road, staring up at my window, his hands buried in his pockets. He was in the shadows, but it was unmistakably him. I recognised the navy jacket he’d worn when we first met up in Hammersmith.

Julian.

Rushing downstairs, an image of Adam outside my house, throwing stones at my window to get my attention, flickered in my head and I almost stumbled. I couldn’t think of that. This was Julian, not Adam. I couldn’t think about Adam. Throwing open the door, I ran out into the street, my eyes scanning the wall. But there was nobody there. He had gone.

Julian had disappeared again.

TWENTY-SEVEN

I woke up and for a few seconds my mind was blank. It brought me a moment of peace, until I remembered everything that had happened. Jeremy. Maria. And Julian. Now that a few hours had passed, I wondered if I’d imagined him being there. That I was so desperate to see him, my mind had conjured him up. It was the only thing that made sense.

It was still dark and when I checked the alarm clock it was only three a.m. I closed my eyes but I was now too alert to fall asleep again.

Reaching across to the bedside table, I fumbled around for my book, but it wasn’t there. I was sure I’d read in bed last night in an effort to forget I’d seen Julian, but I couldn’t clearly remember. I’d had a bad headache, so it’s likely I went straight to sleep. Why couldn’t I remember? It had to be the anxiety getting to me. But whatever the case, I needed to read now, to help me relax so I could try to get a few more hours’ sleep.

Climbing out of bed, I went through to the lounge and turned on the light.

Something wasn’t right.

I couldn’t immediately tell what was wrong, I just knew something was different. Looking around, it took me a moment to realise what that was. The sofa and coffee table appeared to be in their usual places, but when I looked more closely, each had been moved slightly so that the indents in the carpet where they had previously stood were showing. There was no more than a couple of inches difference and it made no sense. I hadn’t moved the furniture. Which could only mean one thing: someone had been in my flat.