The Girl With No Past (33 page)

Pointing to a kettle and two cups in the corner of the room, Ben asked if I wanted a drink. I shook my head and watched as he made himself a coffee and sat on a chair by the window, gazing out across Putney Bridge. I’d walked past this hotel a hundred times before but never imagined I’d be sitting in a room here. Especially not in these circumstances.

‘My friend’s still trying to work on tracing that email,’ he said, taking a sip of his coffee. ‘But do you have you any idea at all who could be doing this?’

I told him everything I’d found out recently and the people I’d been able to rule out, and he stared into his cup, probably trying to make sense of it all. But if I couldn’t do that myself then how could I expect him to?

Eventually he offered a suggestion. ‘What if it’s not someone you know of? I mean, your teacher, she must have had other family, or friends. Any one of them could be doing this to you.’

‘I know, but how can I even begin to find out who she was connected to?’

‘Well, that won’t be easy. Which is why I really think you should tell the police. They’ll be able to investigate and sort this out, won’t they? That’s their job.’

I fell silent. I didn’t want Ben pressuring me to report this. I wanted him to help me find out who was doing it. He must have sensed my discomfort because he didn’t push it any further. Instead, he asked me about Miss Hollis. ‘Perhaps talking about her might spark something?’ he suggested.

‘I don’t know. Lately I’ve done little else but think about her and it hasn’t helped.’

‘Did you like her? I mean, I know what happened…what he did, but did you really hate her that much?’

Surprised by his question, I wasn’t sure how to answer. If I’d been asked the same thing during my school years I would have announced adamantly that I detested her. But had I really? A teenage idea of hate – and love – was far removed from my adult view.

‘I thought I did then,’ I said. ‘But maybe that was more to do with Adam projecting his feelings about her so voraciously. Maybe I just thought I hated her, but that just makes it worse, doesn’t it?’

‘You make it sound like it’s contagious or something,’ Ben said, once again glancing out of the window.

‘Oh, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just can’t trust what I felt.’

‘You mean you can’t remember?’

I frowned at Ben, confused by his questioning. What was he hoping to find out from all this? Then it occurred to me that the atrocity of what I had done was only just sinking in. He’d had more time now to reflect on it so how long before he told me he couldn’t help me?

I didn’t reply, and tried to change the subject. ‘I really appreciate all your help. For this.’ I gestured at the room. ‘I should be okay in a few hours. Ready to do something. I just need to know what.’

He stood up. ‘Well, I’m here to help. To put all this right, okay?’

I let out a deep sigh. So he hadn’t changed his mind. At least not yet.

‘But I’ll have to get to work now. I’ll come straight back, though.’

I knew I couldn’t keep him there with me, but I wasn’t ready to be alone again yet. I needed just a few more minutes; everything seemed clearer when he was with me. I opened my mouth to ask him not to leave but nothing came out. I couldn’t expect that of him.

‘You know, there’s just one thing I don’t understand,’ Ben said. He was by the door now and turned back to me.

Somehow I didn’t mind him wanting to know more, needing clarification. I was just grateful he was still helping me after everything I’d told him. ‘What’s that?’

‘How could you not have known what Adam was capable of?’ It was strange to hear him saying Adam’s name. It didn’t seem right somehow.

‘I don’t…I—’

Ben walked back towards me. ‘That’s the problem isn’t it? You just don’t know how to work people out.’

But then I did know. Too late, of course, but I knew. I knew as his fist hurtled towards me, ramming so hard into me that it felt as if my nose had become detached from my face.

Ben was the emailer.

THIRTY

I opened my eyes and had no idea where I was. Then Ben’s face appeared, leaning over me, his eyes black and cold. I’d never noticed how dark they were; I could have sworn they were blue. I lay sprawled on the floor, my body twisted in a knot. This must be how I had fallen when he’d punched the life out of me. Every part of me ached, even my feet, but how was that possible when I only remember him smashing into my face? I could feel the blood, warm and heavy on my skin, without having to see it.

‘About time you came around,’ he said. His grimace seemed wrong on his face; it changed everything. Before there had been nothing but kindness.

‘Why?’ I managed to say. The blood left a metallic taste in my mouth.

He crouched down so that his face was even closer to mine, and I could smell coffee on his breath. ‘I think you already know that, Leah. Don’t you?’

He was right. I knew I was there to be held accountable for my actions, that Ben – whoever he was – would make sure I paid for my crime.

‘Who are you?’ I asked, ignoring his question.

He in turn chose to ignore mine. ‘So, let’s talk about Natalie Hollis.’ He straightened up and dragged the chair he’d sat on earlier from the corner of the room, placing it directly in front of me. I was forced to look up at him then; he held all the power. It crossed my mind that this must be how Miss Hollis had felt when Adam was towering over her. But I couldn’t let myself picture what Adam did to her after I had run from her house. What they all did. I found out later, of course. Every last detail of the torture inflicted upon her, then the three of them leaving her on the floor of her living room, the life draining out of her.

‘She was a good teacher,’ Ben said, forcing me back to the present. ‘Young too. Younger than we are now. Did you know that? She had a future. She could have done anything. Gone as far as she wanted. And she was beautiful.’ Although his eyes were fixed on me, he seemed to be staring through me. I was confused. Was he a relative of hers? Who else would do this? But he had spoken of her as a lover might, not a family member.

‘Who are you?’ I tried again, knowing it was futile. He was the one in control here.

He shook his head. ‘You don’t get to ask questions, Leah.’ He was too calm. He had a plan for me and knew there was nothing I could do about it. ‘Did you know she was pregnant? I think you did, didn’t you? You all did. But that didn’t stop you, did it?’

‘I didn’t —’

‘Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth!’ His serenity evaporated and I noticed a thick vein had appeared on his forehead. ‘Did you know?’ And just like that he was calm again.

I nodded, not daring to open my mouth.

‘And you still stood by and watched while your boyfriend…raped her.’

Hearing him say this choked me up. I’d seen the word in print, but neither Mum nor Dad had ever spoken it aloud. Didn’t he know just saying this was enough punishment for me?

Ben was silent for a moment and I wondered if he would let me speak.

‘I…didn’t know what Adam was planning. He told us all she’d be away, and that we were just breaking in to scare her a bit for when she came back. And I left, I ran away as soon as I realised—’

He seemed to consider what I’d said, rubbing his chin, while his eyes stayed fixed on me. ‘But you didn’t call the police, did you? So explain to me exactly how you’re not just as guilty as the rest of them?’

But I couldn’t. Because I was.

When I didn’t reply, Ben leaned forward and slammed his fist into my stomach, forcing me back against the foot of the bed. ‘Hurts, doesn’t it? Now imagine how that would feel if you were four months pregnant.’ He shook out his hand.

Despite the excruciating pain Ben had inflicted on me, I hadn’t cried up until then. Perhaps it was the shock, I wasn’t sure. But hearing those words again, with a timescale this time, making the baby real, I was powerless to hold them back.

Of course, it made no difference to Ben. In fact, he seemed to lap it up, enjoying the fact he was breaking me. ‘So, Leah. If you take a life from someone, don’t you think it’s only right you should pay with your own?’

And then the shock evaporated and my whole body began to shake. Ben, if that really was his name, intended to kill me. There had been many times over the years when I’d wanted nothing more than to curl up and die. I’d even come close once. But now it was staring me in the face I was determined to fight for my life. Whatever existence I’d had, it was better than the alternative. But what could I do? If I moved even the slightest bit then he would pound me again, and next time the blow could be fatal. No, I had to keep him calm, go along with it, while I thought of how to get the hell out of there.

‘You must be thirsty?’ he said, suddenly, beaming a grotesque smile at me. ‘Let me get you some water from the bathroom.’ He stood up and glanced at the bathroom door. That was my chance. The second he turned his back I would fly to the door. If I could trust my legs to get me there.

And to start with it worked. As soon as he reached the bathroom I took my chance, forcing myself up and hurling my body towards the door. But my injuries slowed me down and within seconds he had seen me and was dragging me by my hair, back to the floor by the bottom of the bed.

‘Nice try,’ he said, mocking me with his clown’s smile. ‘I think we’ll need this.’ He held up some thick rope, shoving me down so my head smacked against the floor. It wouldn’t be long, I thought. I wouldn’t be able to survive much more of his battering.

He forced me up, thrusting my arms behind my back and twisting the rope around my hands, pulling so hard it felt as if he’d wrench my arms from their sockets. And then he spat in my face, adding humiliation to the pain.

Once he was happy I wouldn’t be able to use my arms, he wrapped another length of rope around my legs and secured it to the bedpost. There was no way I’d be able to go anywhere now. There was no escape.

Sitting back on the chair, he stared at me for a while but didn’t speak. I found this worse, the silence deafening me, taunting me with the thought of what would come next. Would he rape me before he killed me? Would he see that as a just punishment for what Miss Hollis had suffered?

But whatever it was he had planned, he clearly wanted to torment me first. ‘Would you say you had a good life, Leah?’

I didn’t answer and looked away from him, focusing on the carpet. I wouldn’t give him the pleasure of hearing desperation in my voice. I wouldn’t beg him to let me go.

‘I’ll answer for you then, shall I? I’d say it’s pretty crap. You live in a dingy flat, you have no friends and you’ve settled for a job you could do with your eyes closed. Well, actually, you don’t even have that any more, do you? Am I about right?’ He didn’t wait for a reply. ‘The only person in your life is your mother and you hardly even see her. There’s no boyfriend, hasn’t been since Adam, has there? Oh, unless you count Julian.’

I looked at him then. There was a reason he was bringing him up.

‘You really liked him, didn’t you? It must have really upset you when he wanted nothing more to do with you. The rejection. The humiliation. But all a drop in the ocean really.’

‘What did you do?’ I said, still tasting blood as I spoke.

Ben laughed. ‘Oh, it was easy. I just told him the truth about you. That’s all it took to scare him off. He was disgusted, but I suppose that’s because he really liked you. You two could have really had something.’

‘But I saw him…he was outside my house. On Thursday night.’

Once more his cackle filled the room. ‘I seriously doubt that. But I can see why you thought you saw him. That navy jacket he always wears is quite distinctive, isn’t it? But easy enough to buy. I mean, in the dark, anyone around his height might pass for him.’

My insides felt like they were folding in on themselves, but I wouldn’t let Ben see what he was doing to me.

‘Don’t you get it yet, Leah? I’ve taken away everything that made your miserable life even remotely worth living. Your promotion and then your job. Your one friend, Maria. All of it, wiped out with so little effort on my part. What does that say about you?’

I still couldn’t speak. So much made sense now. All those inexplicable things that had happened lately had been down to him. In a way it helped to know this, and I wondered what he’d think if he knew he was doing me a favour, giving me closure before he put an end to it all. I would have shouted it at him but I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted him to admit everything he had done to me.

For a while neither of us spoke, but I could feel his eyes on me. Who was he? I had to know and although it was risky, I decided to ask him.

‘I didn’t think you’d recognise me,’ he said, surprising me by answering. ‘I mean, who pays attention to the younger kids in school, eh? It was hard enough keeping track of who was in your own year, wasn’t it. Except for Adam, of course. Everyone knew him.’

I looked up at him, confused. ‘You went to my school? But—’

‘Like I said, you wouldn’t have known me. Year below. But I knew you. I knew all about your boyfriend bullying Natalie.’

‘Is she? Are you—’

‘She was my teacher. And a good one. Until you…’ His voice trailed off and he looked away from me. ‘What the fuck gave you the right?’

None of this made sense. ‘But why are you doing this? If she was just your teacher?’

‘She wasn’t
just
a teacher,’ he said, mimicking my voice. ‘She was an amazing person. If you’d just given her a chance. All of you.’ He leaned forward. ‘Do you know what it was like for me in my last year? Without her? She was my biggest defender, the only person who kept the other kids from beating me to a pulp. Without her I was nothing. She believed in me when no one else did.’

He looked down, staring at the floor, but not before I noticed the wildness in his eyes. If I hadn’t known before how unhinged he was, I did now. ‘Do you believe in karma?’ he asked, abruptly changing the subject, staring at me once more.

I managed to nod.

‘That’s good. Then you’ll understand why I’m doing this. A life for a life.’

I needed to get him onto a different subject. ‘So it was all lies then? You don’t work for the RSPCA?’