The Girl With No Past (35 page)

Imogen turns to face me. ‘Don’t be angry. Just hear him out. Please.’

Adam and Corey look up and I feel as if the floor will collapse beneath my feet. They look the same. Nothing has changed, yet everything has, and it’s too much.

We all freeze and it is then I realise they are just as shocked as I am. Imogen has arranged this secretly and kept all of us in the dark. Adam stares at me, as if I have come back from the dead. Without taking his eyes off me he addresses Imogen.

‘What’s going on?’

‘I just thought it was about time. I don’t know, call me sentimental or something. But anyway, we’re all here now so let’s just make the best of it.’ She squeezes in next to Corey, who leans in to whisper to her. Patting his knee, in a loud voice she tells him it’s fine.

I still have a choice now. I can turn around and walk away without a word. My exit would need no explanation. But I cannot leave. Adam is here and it’s been three years and his pull is just as strong as ever. So I sit down, trying to ignore the fact that as I do, he edges closer to the window and further away from me.

‘So, Leah, tell us what you’ve been up to,’ Imogen says from behind her glass. ‘We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.’

‘Just studying,’ I say, shifting in my seat. ‘Not much time for anything else.’ This is a lie. There are plenty of hours that I choose to fill only with a book in my hand.

‘I bet you’ve made loads of friends, haven’t you?’ Corey says, suddenly getting in the spirit of this surprise reunion. ‘Living it up at uni. What a life!’

He couldn’t be more wrong. I study and then I go home to my empty room and sometimes I visit Mum when I have no choice. That is my life. But I only nod my head and agree that, yes, what a life I’m leading.

‘You know, Adam’s at uni too,’ Imogen says. ‘Studying law. Aren’t you, Adam?’

He shrugs and continues staring out of the window. I’m furious with the injustice of it. He is acting as if I have done something wrong, when he is the monster. I force myself to be calm. Everything will be okay.

When I don’t say anything, Imogen continues. ‘And he’s met someone great. Her name’s Mione.’

Adam turns to her, glaring, and Corey slaps her arm, whispering again in her ear. But I don’t care what they’re saying because I’m too busy staring at Adam. Although I feel as if my insides have been ripped out, I’m not jealous. It is more the fact that this isn’t right. It’s not fair that Adam is enjoying his life, guilt-free, after what he did. And Imogen and Corey. I look around the table and anger wells up inside me. Why am I the only one who is paying for what happened? It should be all of us suffering.

‘Look, Leah,’ Corey is saying. ‘Can we just all make peace? It’s been years and…well, I think we’ve all grown up. We all made a mistake, it doesn’t have to ruin the friendship we had.’ He kicks Adam under the table, forcing him to look away from the window. He throws me the briefest of glances and a half-smile. I suppose this is the most I will get.

Corey has mentioned friendship, but it was never that, was it? We were just Adam’s followers, letting him dictate what we did and how we felt. That’s no friendship.

I weigh up what he has said against my gut feeling, and know that I have to make a decision. I can walk out of here without a glance back, or I can show them I forgive them. Mum is always talking about how important it is not to hold grudges.
They eat you up
, she says. Maybe she’s right. The four of us have a history, good and bad, but a history nonetheless. For old times’ sake, I need to let go. For all of us.

‘You’re right,’ I say, leaning forward. They all turn to me. ‘Enough time has passed. We need to put all this behind us. I’m not saying it will be easy, but I’m willing to try.’

Imogen’s face explodes into a smile. ‘Oh, Leah, I’m so glad to hear that. I’ve missed you. We all have.’ She glances at Adam but he doesn’t speak.

For the next two hours we talk as if nothing’s happened, and I hear all about how well they are doing. Even Adam eventually joins in the conversation, but he speaks mostly to the others. Still, it doesn’t matter. It is probably best this way. I don’t want to feel anything for him again.

Despite how the evening has turned out, I am relieved when the bar staff head to our table to urge us out. It’s past eleven o’clock and I’m tired. I’m ready to sleep.

Outside, the air is cold against my skin, making me grateful for my jumper and two t-shirts. ‘Well, that’s me,’ I say, pointing at my car. ‘How are you all getting home?’

Imogen flashes a look at Corey. ‘Probably walking. Last bus will have gone now.’ Her eyes plead with me and I know what she wants. She will take it as proof I am back in their lives. Sighing, I offer them all a lift – even though I know I will regret it – and am almost deafened by Imogen’s squeals. ‘Thanks, Leah, you’re a star.’

Even Adam doesn’t object and they all pile in, Imogen electing to sit in front with me. This is fine; I don’t want Adam next to me, just being in the car with him is painful enough.

‘Where am I going first?’ I say, to no one in particular.

‘My place is closest from here, I reckon,’ Corey says. ‘Do you remember it?’

‘Course,’ I say, pulling out of the car park.

I focus on the road but I’m not taking anything in. Just keep staring ahead, I tell myself. Ignore the loud chatter filling the car. Ignore the fact that you’re nearly on High Elms Lane and will soon be passing the school. Breathe deeply. That isn’t where it happened. Everything’s fine.

THIRTY-TWO

There was no way of telling how long I had lain there, my hands and feet bound, my mouth covered with tape. It felt like hours, but could just have easily been minutes. Or days. Everything was distorted and my throat was painfully dry.

It was almost a relief when Ben appeared. I watched him come in and click the door shut, not daring to take my eyes off him for even a second.

Half of me wanted to give up. Just let him do what he wanted and get it over with. But then I thought of Julian. I hadn’t hurt Miss Hollis, after all, and we could have had a chance to work out if Ben hadn’t twisted things. Who knew how he had portrayed the events to Julian? Whatever he said wouldn’t have been the raw truth. He would have made me more culpable. Perhaps even suggested it was my idea. Maybe there was a chance, if I made it out of there, that I could try and salvage things.

But making it out of there was not looking like a possibility.

Ben walked towards me and crouched down by my head. He lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. ‘Listen to me carefully. In a minute we’re leaving this room. There’s a fire escape at the back of the building and we’re going through it. Don’t worry, there won’t be any alarms going off, that’s all been taken care of. You’re going to walk with me to the car, without so much as the slightest fuss, okay? And then I’ve got a surprise for you. Nod if you understand me.’

I didn’t move but then he grabbed my arm, twisting it forward so that behind the tape I let out a muffled scream. I had no choice then but to nod, anything to stop more pain.

At least we were leaving this room; there might be more chance to escape once we were out in the open. I pictured hurling myself out of the car while Ben was driving and it gave me hope.

‘Right, I’m taking off your tape now. And the rope. But just so you know, I’ve got this.’ He undid his jacket, revealing a knife that was sticking out of his jeans pocket.

We didn’t pass a single person as we left the building and the whole time Ben clung to my arm, his grip tight enough to leave more bruising. No doubt that was what he intended. But I could barely walk, so wasn’t about to complain about the extra support he was providing. Neither of us spoke, and as he pushed through the fire door, I was surprised to stumble outside into darkness. So I had been left in the room for the whole day. I shuddered to think what he had been up to. I didn’t want to believe that he’d been searching for a place to bury my body, but that was all I could focus on.

At his van, he guided me round to the back doors, fumbling in his pocket for his keys. I turned to face him. ‘But—’

‘What? You thought you’d get to sit in front with me again? Not this time, Leah.’ I hated the way he kept saying my name. It felt even more of a violation than anything else he’d done.

He opened the back doors and inside was a large metal cage. Large enough for a dog perhaps but surely he didn’t intend me to fit inside it?

‘Get in,’ he said, shoving me forwards.

‘But, I can’t fit—’

‘Make yourself. Or I will. Which would you prefer?’

I stumbled into the van and crawled forward, trying to scrunch my already aching body into the tiny space, but it wasn’t working.

‘For fuck’s sake,’ Ben said, climbing up and shoving me further in, forcing my limbs to contort so that eventually I was crammed inside. I wanted to cry then. At the pain. The humiliation. All of it. But I wouldn’t let him see any tears.

He locked the cage and slammed the van doors shut, pulling the handles to make sure they were secure. And then everything was dark and silent.

I waited for the engine to start but nothing happened. Deciding he must have gone back inside the hotel to check out, I wondered how the hell I would get out of there. It was impossible. All I could do was hope I’d get a chance to escape once he let me out.

When the engine started, the vibration juddering through my aching body, I sucked in my breath, telling myself I was ready for whatever would happen.

Once again, there was no way to tell how much time passed as he drove, but I could tell it was long enough that we couldn’t be in London any more. The speed increased, suggesting we were on a motorway. I tried to make myself sleep, because at least that would offer some respite, but all I managed was to drift in and out.

Eventually the van stopped and I heard Ben’s door slam. Seconds later he pulled open the back doors and peered in at me.

‘Comfortable trip?’ he said, laughing to himself. He unlocked the cage and told me to get out, but I couldn’t move. It felt as if my bones would snap if I tried so I stayed where I was. All my hopes of escape had evaporated; how could I hope to run when I could barely lift my arms?

Ben grew impatient. ‘I said, get the fuck out!’ he hissed, and I wondered why he was keeping his voice down. But when I still didn’t move, he grabbed my legs, untwisting them, and dragged me out of the cage towards him, dropping me to the ground when he’d got me over the edge.

And then I did scream, piercing the silence until Ben rammed his boot into my face and I had no more sound left within me.

Forcing me up, he grabbed my arm again and pulled me away from the van. It was then I noticed where we were. It wasn’t some remote field or wooded area where nobody would discover my body. This was a residential street. With houses on either side of the road. That meant people. Lots of people.

I tried to ask him where we were but the sound was muffled and he ignored my question.

‘Just keep your mouth shut,’ he said, leading me around the van and into the front garden of one of the houses. This must be his house. It would be easier for him to torture and kill me here than in a hotel room. He had lied about living in London.

He dragged me up the path to the front door. It was dark blue, my favourite colour, but after this, if by some miracle I survived, I knew I wouldn’t be able to look at the colour again without remembering.

I waited to hear the jangle of his keys, but instead he leaned forward and pressed the doorbell. A chime echoed out and, confused, I waited to see what would happen.

For almost a minute we stood in silence, Ben’s hand gripping my arm. I thought about trying to make a run for it but his hold was too tight. Even if I did manage to break his grip, given the state I was in, I wouldn’t get very far before he caught me. And then what? He was clearly unstable so I couldn’t risk angering him further.

I turned my attention back to who he was expecting to answer the door. Until now I hadn’t given the possibility that he was in this with someone else much thought. I was just about to risk asking him when a shadow appeared at the glass and a featureless face peered through it. It was impossible to tell who it was, or even whether the person was male or female. Until the door opened.

And then I knew exactly who it was.

Everything about her had changed: her once blonde hair was now dark, almost black, and she was thinner. Too thin. As if the life had been sucked out of her. My heart began palpitating and my throat constricted. There was no need for Ben to kill me, I was sure I would drop dead right there on Miss Hollis’s doorstep.

She didn’t notice me at first and stared at Ben, her eyes wide. ‘Ben? What are you—’

And then she saw me, somehow her eyes growing even wider. She grabbed the door for support. ‘What’s going on? What is this?’ She looked back and forth between us, but it was me her eyes lingered on the longest.

Ben stepped forward. ‘Natalie, I told you I’d sort everything for you, didn’t I? You better let us in, I can’t trust her out here.’

Frowning, she didn’t move at first, but clung to the door, continuing to stare at me. And I was doing the same to her. She was the last person I had expected to see. Even though she was the most important. So many questions raced through my head and none of them made any sense.

‘You shouldn’t be here, Ben. And not with
her.
What am I supposed to do now?’ She made no move to let us in.

‘Can you let us in? It’s better if we’re inside.’ His voice was soft and kind, like I’d never heard it before. Even when he was pretending to be a friend.

‘I don’t think…’ Her eyes dropped and she seemed to be staring at Ben’s hand encircling my arm. Without another word she stepped back and pulled the door wider, letting him drag me inside.

Once we were in the hallway and the door clicked shut, Miss Hollis – I just couldn’t think of her as Natalie – turned to Ben.

‘Why have you brought her here? I don’t want her in my house. And what’s happened to her?’ I looked down at my arms, and in the harsh hall light was shocked by how much of my skin was a mixture of purple and black.