The Girl With No Past (27 page)

As I sat there, cradling a large café mocha I’d bought from Starbucks, I watched people walking past. Everyone seemed in a hurry, as if they were scared time would catch up with them if they slowed down even for a moment. And they were all dressed smartly, proving how together they were, how in control of their own lives. But none of us truly were, so they were only fooling themselves. Still, I couldn’t help but envy them.

The waiting seemed endless. My book was in my bag but I didn’t dare pull it out and risk the chance of missing Jeremy while I got lost in the words. It occurred to me that although I knew what he looked like now, I had no idea what to expect from this man. He might have been Adam’s brother, but I knew nothing about him: now or then. And if he was the man behind the threats then surely he would recognise me immediately? What then? I was only now considering this possibility. At least we were in a public place so surely he wouldn’t dare do anything with a hundred witnesses around?

Eventually a plan formed in my head. I had no idea if it would work but it had to be worth a try.

I continued scanning faces passing by and when he appeared, a figure in the distance, I immediately knew it was him. I had studied his photo on the law firm’s website so carefully that all his features were ingrained in my head. He was walking briskly and would end up passing me any second if I didn’t do something.

Summoning all my nerve, I stood up and placed myself in his path, hoping my smile was warm rather than sinister. I only had one chance to get this right.

‘Hi, Jeremy Bowden?’

He glanced at me but carried on walking. ‘Yeah?’

I searched his face for any hint of recognition but found nothing. He only looked confused, and slightly harried. If he was my emailer – which was still possible – then he was doing it without having any idea what I looked like now, and that didn’t seem likely.

I moved on to phase two of my plan. Turning to him, I thrust my hand out. ‘My name’s Anna Proctor. I went to school with your brother.’

That stopped him in his tracks. ‘Oh, right.’ Slowly he reached for my hand, shaking it only briefly before pulling away. Again, I saw no hint that he recognised me. Or that he didn’t believe me.

‘I just wondered if you might have time for a quick chat?’ I hoped my voice wasn’t betraying how nauseous I felt. I had come this far but still wasn’t sure I could see it through.

Jeremy frowned then and I was sure he was about to tell me to go to hell. ‘Do you need legal help? Because I’d be happy to help but you’ll have to make an appointment in the morning.’

I shook my head. ‘No, it’s not that. I’ve been living abroad. In France. And never have a chance to get to London and it’s just, well, Adam and I were really close at school.’ I continued trying to read his expression, but he seemed distracted. ‘Did he ever mention me?’

Finally he focused, eyeing me cautiously, taking in my appearance, trying to work me out. ‘Can’t say he did. Sorry. But then I lived in America for years and we hardly spoke during that time. Just the usual small talk. You know. Until he…went off the rails I guess.’

Trying to ignore the bile rising to my throat, I forced myself to believe I really was Anna Proctor. If she truly had been friends with Adam then how would she feel talking to his brother now? How would she feel about me?

‘Listen, do you have time for a quick coffee?’

Jeremy eyed the coffee cup I still held in my hand, and then glancing at his watch, shook his head. ‘Sorry, got to get home or my wife will kill me. I promised her I’d be home early tonight and I need to go to Covent Garden to pick something up. But which way are you heading? You could walk with me if you want to talk for a minute?’

His kindness sent a wave of guilt flooding through me. It was wrong to mislead him this way, but I had to be able to rule him out, and there was no other option I could think of to help me do that.

‘Great,’ I said. ‘I’ll get the Tube from there, then.’ He didn’t need to know there was no way I would head underground again.

Jeremy walked so quickly, towering over me so that I had to take long strides in order to keep up with him. But it felt good to be walking; it took some of the pressure off, left me free to avert my eyes from him.

‘You know, none of it was Adam’s fault. I blame Leah Mills. If he hadn’t met her, it would all have turned out differently.’ I swallowed the lump that had lodged in my throat.

Jeremy slowed down a fraction and exhaled a deep breath. ‘Thanks for saying that.’ He paused. ‘That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.’

‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—’

‘No, no, it’s fine. We can’t pretend she doesn’t exist. As much as we’ve all tried.’

This was going better than I’d hoped, and the more Jeremy spoke, the more convinced I became that he wasn’t behind the threats. But that didn’t mean he believed I was Anna Proctor.

‘I never liked her at school,’ I said. ‘She always thought she was better than everyone else. Thought she was something special.’ This was so far from the truth, and I hadn’t planned to say it, but the words flooded out without me knowing what would come next. I had to be careful.

‘Well, my brother liked her. Probably loved her actually. More fool him.’

Hearing these words, I almost froze. They were too painful to hear. Adam had only said it to me once, and he quickly followed it with a warning that he didn’t find it easy to say so probably wouldn’t make a habit of it. But that I just had to trust that he did. Did I believe him? Time chisels away at memory so I’m not sure now, but I must have believed in him. Only afterwards did I have to convince myself that he didn’t. It was easier that way.

Pulling myself together, I nodded, even though Jeremy’s eyes were fixed straight ahead so he couldn’t see me agreeing. I wondered if he was taking anything in or if all he could do now was picture his brother.

‘Do you know what the worst thing is?’ I said. I was back to being Anna Proctor. ‘That she’s probably living a cushty little life now, free from blame and scrutiny, while the others—’

‘Do you mind if we change the subject, Anna? I really don’t want to talk about her, or think about her. We’ve all worked hard to put everything behind us so I’d rather not rake it all up now. Is that okay?’ He turned to me and his eyes had become glassy. Jeremy wasn’t my emailer.

I had further confirmation of this when we reached Covent Garden station and he pulled out a business card from his pocket. ‘In case you ever need anything,’ he said. Then, reaching inside his suit jacket, he dug out a pen and began writing on the card. ‘I’m giving you my mobile number too. In case you want to ask anything… about Adam.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, taking the card. I watched him walk away and almost ran after him to hand it back. Of all the things I’d done, my lie to him felt like the worst.

Later at home, I studied my notebook and tried to make sense of what I knew so far. Although I was no closer to finding out who was threatening me, I could rule out both Imogen and Adam’s families. There was no way to be completely sure, but this was as close as I could get.

I hadn’t had a chance to go to Corey’s old house, and Mum didn’t seem to know if his family still lived there, but somehow, even after all these years, I thought I could still remember his phone number. Of course I still remembered Imogen’s and Adam’s, but I’d hardly ever called Corey. But there were some things my brain wouldn’t let me forget. The chances of it still being in use were slim, but once again, I had to try everything I could.

A woman answered the phone, sounding as if she was being hugely inconvenienced by the interruption to whatever she was doing.

‘Yes?’ she said.

I told her I was trying to reach Juliette Pierce, and she huffed down the phone. ‘Really? She hasn’t lived here for years.’

‘Oh,’ I said, unable to hide my disappointment. ‘Do you happen to know where she moved to? It’s really important that I speak to her.’

‘Yes, I know where she is. But who are you?’

‘I’m a friend of hers but we lost touch.’

There was a pause and I wondered if she would hang up. ‘Well, she’s in Ireland now, with family. I don’t know her number or address.’

I was about to thank her but she had already gone, leaving the dial tone sounding in my ear.

Writing down what I had learnt in my notebook, I thought it unlikely that if Corey’s family were in Ireland they would be responsible for the threats. How would they have got someone to carry out the mugging? It wasn’t impossible, but I had to make a decision so I crossed out their names.

That just left Miss Hollis. I’d left her until last because it would be the hardest to investigate. I knew nothing about what she had done afterwards, or any family she might have had. As well as that, I didn’t want to remember how she looked that night, how her eyes widened like a frightened animal as she begged and pleaded. No, it would not be easy at all.

As I sat there, once again in the dark because I couldn’t face harsh lights, I thought about Julian. I had done nothing to offend him, or make him think I was a psycho, as his brother had called me. Julian knew nothing about my past, yet the words his brother had used were too close to home. But that didn’t make sense. None of this did and I was starting to feel defeated.

I pulled myself off the sofa and fetched my laptop from the kitchen table. It never seemed to have a permanent home; it was always just wherever I had last used it. I logged on to Two Become One and clicked on my inbox, looking for my old messages from Julian. Opening the latest one, I began typing a reply, just asking how he was, but when I clicked send, a notification flashed on the screen:
Unidentified User
.

Now I felt even more deflated, as if my blood had been drained and I was just a sack of skin. By being with Julian I had tried to live again, and it had been ripped away from me. It was worse than if I had never met him because I wouldn’t have known how good it was to have feelings for someone again.

Clicking on my inbox, I reread all of our correspondence, searching for clues that he had never truly liked me. But I found nothing. Nothing but the beginnings of something that felt like it had been going somewhere.

I thought of Maria then, how she would be able to help me make sense of Julian’s disappearing act.

Dialling her number, I kept the phone clamped to my ear, but after a few moments knew she wouldn’t answer. My name would be flashing on her screen and she would only turn away from it and wait for the ring tone to stop. I knew this with certainty.

Desperate for human contact – to share my fears, for someone to tell me I’d be okay – I tried Ben’s mobile next. He hadn’t answered earlier but maybe he would now.

‘Leah? Hi.’ His voice was warm and friendly, just what I needed to hear. ‘You okay?’

I wanted to say yes. To pretend I was absolutely fine and that I didn’t need anything from anyone, but I couldn’t pull it off.

‘Just…you know…still worried.’

‘Has anything else happened?’

‘No, no. Nothing. ‘Are you doing anything?’

‘I promised I’d take Pippa for a meal. But I could tell her something’s come up, if you need me?’

‘No, don’t do that. Please. I’ll be fine.’

‘I contacted a friend of mine about tracing the email address, and he’s going to have a go, but it could take a while. Have you thought any more about going to the police?’

‘I’m thinking about it all,’ I lied. ‘I’m just making a record of everything that’s happened. You know, times and dates. They’ll need all that won’t they?’

It was a good excuse but he didn’t sound convinced. ‘Yes, but you shouldn’t put it off.’

‘I know, I know. I won’t.’

‘Listen, I better go, but I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Are you working?’

My plan had been to take another day off to do more research, but now Ben was mentioning it, I realised I missed the routine of being at the library. Perhaps it would be better to be there. At least I would be safe. I told him I would be working the next day and he promised to call in the evening.

After we’d hung up, I made a peanut butter sandwich and ate it on the sofa while I tried to read. It was hopeless. For the first time I couldn’t take in the words, they just blurred into each other. It didn’t help that my pounding head ensured I got no peace, so I shut my eyes and hoped for the pain to ease quickly.

Then my mobile phone rang, shattering the silence, forcing my eyes open. I didn’t recognise the number so this couldn’t be good news. I hesitated at first, but then, as it always did, my curiosity took over. I grabbed the phone and waited to hear someone speak.

TWENTY-FIVE

It’s approaching the end of summer and I still haven’t told Adam that I followed him a few weeks ago. That I saw him sitting outside Miss Hollis’s house again. Waiting. I daren’t think about what he was doing, what he was waiting for.

Imogen, Corey and I sit in Imogen’s back garden, waiting for Adam to turn up. He’s late once again, but I seem to be the only one who’s bothered about this. His parents are away tonight and are leaving him alone in the house, so of course Adam has arranged a party and invited everyone from school. He doesn’t even like most of them, but when I questioned him on the phone last night he said that didn’t matter. ‘It’s time to celebrate the beginning of our freedom, Leah.’