The Good, the Bad and the Unready (58 page)

 
Isabella the
She-Wolf of France

Isabella, wife of King Edward II of England, 1292–1358

One of the vilest women of her age, Isabella did not merely dislike her husband Edward
CARNARVON
, she detested the very ground on which he walked. And so, together with her lover Roger of Mortimer, she invaded England in 1327 and arranged for Edward’s murder at Berkeley Castle. The manner of his death, the thrusting of a hot iron into his bowels, still makes the squeamish wince nearly 700 years later. Back then, it won for her the awesome title ‘the She-Wolf of France’, an epithet employed by the eighteenth-century poet Thomas Gray, when he wrote of her as a:

Isabella’s son Edward the
BANKRUPT
replaced Carnarvon on the English throne.

Shockhead
see
Harold
FAIRHAIR

Pepin the
Short

Pepin III, king of the Franks, c.714–68

Pepin may have been short – by most accounts about four and a half feet tall – but his influence was extensive. Once he had
exchanged his mayoral hat at the palace of the last Merovingian king, Childeric the
STUPID
, for the Frankish crown, he vigorously protected his vast lands from all would-be trespassers and even helped the papal forces to defend Rome against the Lombards.

Pepin, the son of Charles the
HAMMER
, may have been short, but with his wife Bertha
BIGFOOT
was the proud parent of Charles the
GREAT
, one of the tallest kings history has ever recorded.

Paul the
Silent
see
Harald and the
HAIR SHIRT

William the
Silent

William I, prince of Orange, 1533–84

William the Silent – ‘Willem de Zwijger’ or ‘Guillaume le Taciturne’ if you prefer – was far from taciturn, let alone silent. In fact, he was a most affable, cheerful and delightful fellow and spoke Latin, French, German, Flemish and Spanish regularly and fluently. His soubriquet stems from the discretion he demonstrated in some of his dealings with Henry the
WARLIKE
(
see
GALLIC PRACTICE
) and Philip the
PRUDENT
, most notably when he kept his own counsel on the news that the two kings were planning to send thousands of Spanish troops to rid the Netherlands of ‘heretics’ (i.e. Protestants). Churlish critics interpret William’s silence as sulking because he had not been asked to join their plot, but others counter that this would be wholly out of character for such an adroit politician and the courageous leader of the revolt against Spanish domination.

Many Dutch today regard William as their national hero. Even though he mainly spoke French, he is hailed as ‘the Father of the Fatherland’ for his role in steering Holland to independence from Spanish control. The Dutch national anthem was written in recognition of his achievements and, despite having a flag of red, white and blue, Holland has orange as its national colour, reflecting William’s lineage.

 
Charles the
Silly

Charles VI, king of France, 1368–1422

In his early twenties Charles was tall and strong, with fair hair falling in thick curls to his shoulders. He was a lover of the outdoor life but was also a patron of the arts and, together with his wife Isabella the
GREAT SOW
, hosted luxurious gatherings at court despite the Hundred Years War that raged around them. For his gallantry and generosity some dubbed him ‘the Well-Beloved’. But then, on 5 August 1392, he went berserk.

Fuelled by alcohol or suffering from sunstroke, he lost his head in the forest of Le Mans and killed four men before his sword broke and he could be tied up. From then on, his attacks came with monotonous regularity and, as his mental health deteriorated, he was renamed ‘the Silly’ and eventually ‘the Mad’. Aware in lucid moments of his condition, Charles officially handed over authority of the running of the country to his porcine wife.

Silly Billy
see
William the
SAILOR KING

John the
Silly Duke

John Churchill, first duke of Marlborough, 1650–1722

Marlborough was an outstanding soldier, a brilliant diplomat and the long-suffering husband of the imperious
QUEEN SARAH
. The French considered him to be rather dashing and called him ‘the Handsome Englishman’. General Turenne, his commander in the 1670s, declared that he ‘was no less distinguished for the singular graces of his person than for his brilliant courage and consummate ability both as a soldier and a statesman’. Voltaire praised him for ‘that serenity of soul in danger, which the English call a cool head’. By contrast, the English called him ‘the Silly Duke’, because he would habitually cry ‘Oh, silly! Silly!’ whenever he heard some bad news.