The Good, the Bad and the Unready (60 page)

Louis the
Springer

Louis, margrave of Thuringia, 1042–1128

Convicted of murder, Louis was imprisoned deep in the impregnable Giebichenstein Castle near Halle – the Colditz or Alcatraz of its day. After two years of incarceration he managed to escape by climbing to the top of the battlements and ‘springing’ into the River Saale below. For his courage, the emperor pardoned him and gave him his nickname as well as his liberty.

Sitric the
Squint-Eyed

Sitric, king of Dublin and York, d.927

When Sitric ‘Cáech’ signed a treaty with the powerful Athelstan the
GLORIOUS
in order to prevent any hostilities, part of the agreement was that Sitric had to accept Christianity and marry Althelstan’s sister Edith. The glorious Athelstan should have noticed the deception behind those squinty eyes. Within months of the nuptials Sitric renounced the faith and sent Edith packing to a convent.

Robert the
Steward
see
NOBLE PROFESSIONS

 
Sigurd the
Stout

Sigurd II, earl of Orkney, d.1014

In 1013 Sigurd, the mighty earl of Orkney, was asked by ‘Sitric Silkenbeard’, the Norse king of Dublin, for help in his battle against the Irish high king Brian Bóru. Sitric promised that if they were victorious, Sigurd would become the high king. With such a prize Sigurd could not refuse, and the battle took place on 23 April 1014. Brian Bóru was killed, but Sigurd, possibly not helped by his plump physique, also lost his life.

Augustus the
Strong

Augustus II, king of Poland, 1670–1733

As duke of several territories, including Saxony and Meissen, Augustus possessed the means to rule without having to ask for financial support. As an elector of the Holy Roman Empire, he wielded considerable influence. Moreover, as commander of the imperial armies in a number of campaigns, he had a distinguished military reputation. All in all, he looked a fitting successor to the great John the
WIZARD
, but it is for his love life rather than for his leadership that Augustus is best remembered.

His romances formed one of the wonders of the age, attesting no less to his catholic and cosmopolitan taste than to his phenomenal stamina. After a series of youthful adventures abroad, where he had variously disguised himself as a matador and a monk, he returned to Dresden in 1693 to the charms of his bride, Eberdine, to the labours of electoral office, and to the cultivation of a covey of concubines whom his courtiers classified for public consumption as ‘official’, ‘confidential’ or ‘top secret’.

Augustus was the father of some 300 children. Gossipmongers have it that the abandoned mistress of the British ambassador to Saxony, who turned to him for comfort, was the only woman he was unable to seduce in fifty years of amorous endeavour. His nickname, it is held, was awarded after he slept with his own mother at the royal hunting-lodge at Mauritzburg.

The political ventures of Augustus the Strong’ were less suc-
cessful than his sexual forays. By the end of his reign Poland had declined from a thrusting major European power to a flaccid protectorate of Russia.

Strongbow

Richard, son of Gilbert de Clare, second earl of Pembroke, d.1176

Richard’s strength and skill at archery knew no equal. It is said that his arms were so long that, when standing fully upright, he could touch his knees with the palms of his hands.

Louis the
Stubborn
see
Louis
THE QUARRELLER

Childeric the
Stupid

Childeric III, Merovingian king, d.755

In the second quarter of the eighth century the mayors of the Merovingian palace, Pepin the
SHORT
and his brother Carloman, grew aware that their growing power was making the other Frankish leaders increasingly agitated, so Pepin and his brother looked around for a puppet figure who would nominally be king but allow them to continue in absolute command. Childeric was their man. Playing no part in public business whatsoever, he simply did as he was told.

The royal annals do not dwell on whether he was intellectually challenged. They are content merely to record that in 747, when Carloman died and Pepin decided to crown himself king, Childeric was ‘retired’ to a monastery.

Ferdinand the
Summoned

Ferdinand IV, king of Castile and León, 1285–1312

Apart from his troops’ capture of Gibraltar from the Moors in 1309, Ferdinand’s reign is of little note. His place in Spanish
history is enshrined, however, due to the legend behind his sudden death. In 1312 Ferdinand condemned to death two brothers, John and Peter Carvajal, for a minor offence. As they faced their executioners, the prisoners vociferously proclaimed their innocence and summoned Ferdinand to appear before God within thirty days. Preparing for a raid on Granada, the king was very much alive and well thirty days later. The following morning, however, ‘el Emplazado’ –‘ the Summoned’ –was found dead in his bed.