The Grunt (15 page)

Brett bucked his tired red eyes
. Wow, she was way off base
. “One day, I want my daughter to look just like you. And I’m a fucking Marine. I didn’t die for just one color American. And no, it didn’t bother me that Jermaine was black. It bothered me that Jermaine existed. It bothered that the insignia on his chest made him better than me in Amy’s eyes. ” He stepped closer to her. “I would never be ashamed of you. Ever. I may be from Texas, but I’m not…a redneck.”

“There are some really good folk in Texas,” she said, thinking of her grampies. Courtney watched his eyes. She knew that he wasn’t lying about any part of what she said, but she needed him to continue to be brutally honest. “When you asked me to marry you,
to consider it
, was it about Cameron?”

Brett paused. The silence between them was like chaos. He walked all the way up to her and looked down into her hazel eyes. Swallowing hard, he took a deep breath. “Forget that I asked you that time in that way. The next time that I propose, it won’t be an offer that highlights the value-added benefit of college tuition paid and good dental.” He lifted her delicate chin. “The next time I ask, you won’t think it’s about my son. And I will spend every moment until the next time that I ask proving to you that I love you, and I’m proud to be with you.”

Courtney was lost for words. Now, he didn’t want to marry her? Was that a good or bad thing? She frowned, lost in the blue eyes and beautiful face. What had she done? It was okay to call things off or slow them down when she was the one in control, but the idea of him pulling away was devastating.

“So, you never truly wanted to marry me?” she asked with tears in her eyes.

He took her hand and put it on his chest. “There isn’t one part of this that doesn’t belong to you.” His quiet eyes were clear and focused. Lips pursed together, he breathed in slowly.

Courtney moved into him and rested her head where her hand had been. Listening to his heartbeat against her ear, she wrapped her arms around his back and nuzzled closely into him. She could listen to that sound all night. It was peaceful, powerful and courageous. The hum of it reminded her of how fragile life was and how much he had gone through just to be here at this moment. Tears spilled down her cheek onto his shirt as she stood silently with him.

“I love you and only you,” he said, looking down at the top of her head.

Brett trailed his thumb down her neck, lifted her chin up, and softly and sincerely kissed her pouty mouth. It was the softest kiss that he had ever given, ripe with admiration and devotion. Her warm flesh tasted like sweet elixir to him. He put both hands at the side of her face and pulled her in. Slowly, in a rhythmic, sensual kiss, he washed away her worry.

Six weeks alone in Brett’s house had driven Courtney to the edge. It wasn’t that she couldn’t wait on him; it was simply that she couldn’t take the white walls and boring décor. To add a little spice to things, she had taken some money out of the house account and gone to Lowe’s and Pier One, called her mother and did a serious makeover.

Sitting in the living room watching the paint literally dry with her mother as they finished the flower arrangement for the coffee table, Courtney looked around and felt proud. Now this looked more like a place that she would call home. It had taken a few days of hard work and even a little squabbling with her mother about colors, but they had created a masterpiece.

White walls had been replaced with warms colors of beige, sage green and honey brown. And while Courtney wanted to go with a color in the yellow family, her mother had insisted that such an extreme change might unbalance her new boyfriend.

The time with her mother had also given her some much needed clarity. Mrs. Lawless was full of good advice. When Courtney had broken down while hanging the new curtains in the dining room and said that she and Brett had called off the pseudo-engagement, Mrs. Lawless had been the one to explain to her that he only wanted her to be happy. She also assured her that it probably wouldn’t be long before he “got it right.” To give her daughter a more well-rounded view of the life she had chosen. Mrs. Lawless had also explained the more delicate nature of the Marine Corps and the culture difference between officers and enlisted men.

“It’s simply the way it is,” Mrs. Lawless had explained in a calm, loving voice that showed her reverence for her husband’s profession. “The structure of the Marine Corps has been in place for years, and believe it or not it works. So, don’t fight against it or try to make Brett see things differently. The only one who would really suffer from that would be him, and you don’t want that. Rather, wait and pray and hope that God will reveal his plan for Brett in the Marine Corps and his personal life. Also, pray for favor for your Brett. Pray that no matter what, he will prevail.”

Mrs. Lawless was a gem and as wise as she was beautiful. After talking with her for a few days without her father being around, Courtney renewed her faith in the ability to hold together her relationship and support Brett.

“I think he’s going to love the new changes,” Courtney said, looking at her watch. The cookies would be almost ready for Cameron in a few minutes.

“Of course he’s going to love it. You did it,” Diane said, setting the bouquet on the table. “Now, isn’t that beautiful? You have a splash of the colors that you love mixed with the calm colors that will make him happy. I use color all around the house to soothe your father, but to this day, he never has figured out why he feels so relaxed when he comes home. It’s the colors. I did, however, take a page from your book and make the kitchen yellow. I read in a magazine that yellow boosts the appetite. And when your father lost his after the last trip to Afghanistan when he lost all of those poor men, I had to find a way to make home more warm for him.”

Courtney didn’t even know that her father had suffered any form of depression. She turned to her mother and titled her head. “Does daddy have PTSD?” she asked quietly as if what they were discussing was a secret.

Mrs. Lawless smiled but Courtney could see the worry in her mother’s eyes. She could never admit such a thing publically. It would cost her husband his commission, but she knew that she could trust her daughter. Plus, the insight might help her in her own troubles. “This war has been so difficult on Jeffery. He has lost so many men, some of them friends. Even though he’s not there in the field, the burden of his decisions weighs heavily on him.” She touched her daughter’s hand. “It’s weighs on all of them.”

“So he does have it?” Courtney said, realizing that she had been so consumed in her life that she had not really gotten to know her father. For a moment, she had a glimpse of herself from the outside and she knew then that she had been selfish.

“He has it,” Mrs. Lawless said. “The sleepless nights, the zoning out, the memories. I think as he gets older, it all comes back to haunt him. But I try to encourage a happier lifestyle. I make him go to church on Sundays. It gives him hope and lets him know that he’s not alone. And I also hope that he’ll retire soon. With your brother here now, it may be easier for him to pass on his legacy and focus on starting a new life with me.”

Courtney liked the way that sounded. “A new life,” she smiled. “I never thought of retirement as that.”

“Well, it’s retirement for both of us, sweetheart. Every time your father left on a deployment, a big part of me left with him.”

Courtney cringed. “It’s driving me crazy that he has to go over there. And you know, he never complains about it. He just talks about making arrangements
just in case
. It must be hard to prepare for the possibility of your death every year. I try to put myself in his shoes, but it’s nearly impossible for me. He’s so strong and so brave.”

Mrs. Lawless knew the feeling. “When your brother told me that he was going to join the Marine Corps, I secretly cried for two weeks.”

“Really?” Courtney thought she knew everything about her mother, but in this one conversation she realized that there was so much that she did not know.

“Yes. I thought to myself,
oh I don’t want David to put himself in danger
. The thought of losing a son was even scarier than the thought of losing your father. It’s overwhelming. Every news report about a casualty, every time someone knocked on the door late at night made me feel like my insides were going to explode. I’ve lived on pins and needles for…decades.”

“How do you do it?”

“They need someone to love them, Courtney. They need
this
when they get back home,” Mrs. Lawless said, pointing around the room. “They need to feel that what they are fighting and dying for over there is worth it. And you know, when they are in a fire fight and losing men, rank doesn’t matter. They are all over there, bless their souls, being heroes every single day.”

Courtney felt proud and depressed all at the same time. It was odd to her that her father’s life as a Marine never seemed real until now. This new realization let her know how sheltered she truly had been. Brett was right, she had no idea.

“I have a new appreciation for Daddy, and I’m going to tell him when he gets home,” Courtney said with a smile. The timer went off on the oven and sounded throughout the house. “I better get those. I’ll be right back.”

Cameron came around the corner with toy in his hand and walked up to Mrs. Lawless. Crawling up in her lap, he brushed his little hand over her delicate cheek. “Grandma Lawless, can I come home with you tonight?” he asked, digging in his nose.

Mrs. Lawless removed his hand and reached into her purse for a napkin. “Would you like to come home with me?”

“Yes,” he said as she cleaned his tiny little fingers.

“Well, that sounds just lovely. After dinner, why don’t you pack a bag, and I’ll take you with me. You can swim out in the pool tonight, and we’ll watch movies and eat popcorn.”

Mrs. Lawless didn’t have any grandchildren, but she wanted them. And Cameron filled a special need inside of her now that her own children were gone.

“Is Mommy going to come too?” Cameron asked wide-eyed.

“You’ll have to ask her,” Mrs. Lawless said in a whisper.

Cameron had been calling Courtney
mommy
more and more. With the absence of his mother and the need for parental protection and love, the bond between the two had come naturally.

A few weeks ago after school, Cameron had asked Courtney if she was his new mommy. It had left her flabbergasted. What did she tell a baby that needed love so badly? Courtney had called her mother straight away and asked her advice. But even Mrs. Lawless couldn’t answer as to what was best for her. “Follow your heart,” her mother had said. Needless to say that Courtney told him that she would be his mother, if he wanted her to. And so, it had begun. A new relationship was being built, and it was sucking everyone in, including Mrs. Lawless.

“Okay, the cookies are ready,” Courtney said, walking back in the living room with the mitten still on her hand. “Who wants some?”

“I do,” Cameron said, jumping down off of Mrs. Lawless’s lap. “I’m going to Grandma’s tonight,” he announced as he ran past her knee to the kitchen.

“Again?” Courtney asked with a smile.

“Oh, I enjoy it,” Mrs. Lawless said, standing up and smoothing her hands over her skirt. “Since my own children won’t give me any grandchildren, then I’ll just have to start stealing other people’s children.”

Courtney shook her head. “Well that gives me a free night. I think I’ll hit the beach and catch a few waves after dinner.”

“Trust me. You deserve it. You’ve been giving a hundred percent around this house. I’m sure you’re probably a better mother than
you know who
ever was to him. Keep that up and Cameron might start to look like you,” Mrs. Lawless joked.

Courtney’s smile disappeared. “There is something that I haven’t told you yet.”

“You’re pregnant?” Mrs. Lawless said with her hand over her breast. She said that she wanted grandchildren, but she didn’t mean right at the second.

“No,” Courtney laughed. She looked back to see if Cameron was in earshot. “It’s about Cameron.” She walked over to her mother and leaned to her ear. “Brett found out a few days after I moved in that the boy isn’t even his. Amy had been lying to him the entire time.”

Mrs. Lawless eyes narrowed.
Could this woman get any worse?
“What did Brett say? Whose child is it?”

Courtney shrugged her shoulders. “No one knows. No one may ever know with Amy dead. So, you see…” Courtney checked behind her again and then turned to her mother. “He’s as much mine as he is Brett’s now.”

Mrs. Lawless was moved by her daughter’s love. Courtney had always been a giving woman. When she was little, she always brought home stray dogs and cats. Once, she even brought home a homeless woman. While in college, the only thing that she was committed to was raising money for the women’s shelters and had continued with her cause after she had returned to North Carolina. So, it wasn’t unusual that her daughter had found another needy family. Courtney always felt strongest when she was needed. It had been her calling.

However, Mrs. Lawless also had drilled into Courtney about her decision. She wanted her to understand how impressionable children were and how hard it would be for Cameron, if she just decided that this new readymade family was too much for her. To walk away from this would be hardest on Cameron, so if Courtney did not want this for sure, she should not lead on that she did.

Courtney had completely understood her mother’s concern. However, she just wanted to belong to something. She wanted her own family. She wanted a simple life with a good man, and Cameron had come as a wonderful little bonus.

“I’m very proud of you,” Mrs. Lawless said, walking with her out of the living room. “Now, I think I’ll have a cookie before dinner as well.”

***

The mock operations had finally come to an end and Brett’s unit was allowed to leave the desolate desert and scorching sun and heat of the hooch to head back to civilization in the form of Camp Wilson.