The Guide to Getting It On (53 page)

An excellent way to find out what works best during intercourse is when the woman is on top. That way a man can feel how she moves up and down on his penis and what parts of her vagina she focuses the head on. For instance, is she up and down on it repeatedly, or does she keep the penis deep inside of her and rub her clitoris on the his pubic bone? Does she like to rub her clitoris or breasts while a penis is inside of her, or would this be an unwelcome distraction? Where does she like to look, and what does she do with her mouth? How does she help to orchestrate the rhythm and speed? Sometimes a hand pushing on a man’s hip or rear end can speak volumes.

Eager for Beaver — Intercourse as Two Separate Acts

If you are feeling terminally reflective and have nothing else to do, it might be helpful to think of intercourse as two separate acts—the thrusting part and the orgasm part. If the sole purpose of the former is to achieve the latter, then the intercourse might not have much emotional depth to it. That’s because it is during the thrusting part of intercourse (before orgasm) when feelings of love, friendship and gratitude are often shared.

Most couples have a variety of thrusting modes—hot and furious, fun and playful, giggly, tearful, passionate, powerful, passive, and maybe even angry at times. This becomes part of the private language that lovers share.

Using Your Head

The first inch or so of a woman’s vagina is sensitive to touch. That’s why a bit of gentle finger or penis-head action around the rim can be a nice way to begin. The art, of course, is in making those shallow little thrusts without pulling out too far and having your penis fall out.

Beyond the first inch or so, you need to start thinking pressure. That’s because the back part of the vagina feels stretching and pressure more than it does light touches. This is when it’s wise to learn which parts of her vagina respond best to pressure when the head of your penis pushes against them. You’ll find that you can combine certain positions with certain angles to put pressure on the different parts of her vagina.

A good way to learn about a woman’s genitals is with your fingers as well as with your penis. This will give you a better understanding of what needs to be done with your penis. (As one female reader says, “It wouldn’t hurt for women to know this about themselves.”)

Popping Out

During some orgasms, the vagina contracts enough to expel a penis. When asked about this, most women advise, “Push It Back In!”

Thrustless in Seattle

Some couples don’t thrust at all during intercourse, but move their entire bodies in sync. Or the man might do a circular motion with his penis or pelvic bone grinding against the woman’s vulva. Some couples occasionally stay really still during intercourse and try to coordinate their breathing. One partner breathes in at the moment that the other breathes out.

You don’t have to be a yoga master to achieve peak experiences with breathing instead of thrusting. You don’t even need to meditate or stand on your head while chanting mysterious incantations. All you need to do is be in sync with each other.

Another way of enjoying intercourse without thrusting is to play “squeezing genitals.” This is based upon the anatomical fact that when the male squeezes or contracts his erect penis it momentarily changes diameter, and when the woman squeezes her vagina it hugs the penis—sometimes rather snugly and with memorable results. To play “squeezing genitals,” partners alternate squeezing their genitals. This can be quite interesting, and it doesn’t require a particularly high I.Q. or a daring sense of adventure.

Riding High — Tom Landry Remembered

Each year a new book comes out that promises to reinvent the wheel sexually. One book talked about a radical “new” way of having intercourse. The couple starts by assuming the missionary position with the man on top. Right before the thrusting begins, he makes a quick shift toward the head of the bed, like the Cowboys used to do at the line of scrimmage before the set call, back when they were America’s team and Tom Landry was coach.

During this quick shift, the male pushes his entire body a couple of inches forward over the head of the woman. This puts him in the position of being able to say, “Honey, your roots are showing something awful, time for a new weave job.” This new position is supposed to bring the man’s penis in more direct contact with the woman’s clitoris, assuming it doesn’t snap off between the down-and-set-calls.

There is no in-out thrusting in this new form of intercourse. The couple simply move their hips back and forth in synchronized form. This intercourse position does attempt to maximize clitoral stimulation by making the man “ride high.” Men who are sensitive lovers figured this one out long ago, although an occasional man may have had the knowledge forced upon him by a rambunctious lover who rode so low that she made him wonder if his penis would survive the night. Her riding low is the equivalent of his riding high. Again, a good way for a man to learn what angles his partner prefers is to pay close attention when she’s on top. Or ask.

Nasty Reflections

Watching your genitals at work or play during intercourse can be an awesome way to pass time. There are several positions that allow one or both partners to watch the vagina swallowing up the penis and then spitting it out again , or passionately enveloping it, if you prefer. A good-sized hand mirror can offer a nice view of genital play until one of you accidentally kicks it over. Also, try using the magnifying side of the mirror. It will make you look huge! A woman reader comments: “That’s a frightening thought.”

Some couples also like to pull out the camcorder and tape themselves when having intercourse. Entire books have been written on this subject.

Kissing When Thrusting — Size vs. Intent

Sometimes there’s nothing nicer in the world than kissing passionately when your genitals are locked in a loving embrace, but this simply isn’t possible for some couples. For instance, if a woman is 5’1” and her partner is 6’4”, there is no way her tongue is going to play inside his mouth when they are having intercourse.

One reason why it is impossible to make recommendations regarding intercourse positions is because different couples come in different sizes. Some positions will feel better for couples who are relatively the same height and weight, while those positions might be a disaster for a union between someone who is really short and someone who is really tall. Likewise, certain positions will feel better or worse depending on the size and angle of your respective genitals. And some positions that feel best during the first part of a woman’s menstrual cycle might give way to other positions during the later part of her cycle. And that’s just physical differences. It can be further complicated when you factor in each partner’s emotional desires and needs.

Intercourse When Standing

To get an idea of how seldom couples have intercourse while standing and face-to-face, you might do a search of websites where amateur couples post clips of themselves making love. You’ll find the only time couples have intercourse while standing is when it’s rear entry and the woman is able to lean forward on a piece of furniture.

One of the problems with intercourse while standing and being face-to-face—or “undies-down/skirt-up sex” as Cosmo calls it—is that it can feel like a workout at the gym. Trying to thrust while bending your knees into a good angle can be tiring. Intercourse while standing might actually work better when the woman is taller than the guy, or if she’s standing on a step or a stool that’s sturdy and won’t slip. Some women wear heels or platform shoes.

Leaning against a wall can help, and some women say it works best for them if they can keep one leg firmly planted on the ground while tucking the other around a partner’s waist. That way, she doesn’t have to worry about him dropping her, and having the other leg up can improve the angle and amount of stimulation. He can reach under it and help her hold it up. (The couple on the left in the second illustration in Chapter 28:
Sex Fantasies
is an example, although her leg isn't very high up.)

In the Shower

You’d think that having intercourse in the shower would be as easy as shampooing your hair. Not so. While taking showers with a lover can be fun and incredibly sexy, having intercourse in the shower is often a different matter. The first issue to be concerned about is slipping, so if you’re going to have intercourse in the shower, make sure you’ve got a non-slip shower mat or put down some cute gripper fishies. Another thing to consider is installing grab bars in the shower. A browser search for shower grab bars will show they are easy to get, but reviewers usually don’t rate them for their sex worthiness.

Although water is wet, it washes away natural lubrication. So you might want to keep a bottle of sex lube in the shower. While silicone sex lubes can be great for having sex in water because they don’t wash off, one little drop on the shower floor can make it treacherously slick. So if you are using silicone lube, consider putting it on before you get into the shower.

As for what position to use, some couples find that rear entry intercourse with the woman leaning forward can be the most practical position for shower sex. Or, you might consider doing what a lot of couples do, enjoy showering together before or after you have intercourse in the bedroom.

Signaling

Sex seldom works well when a partner is too passive or inhibited to let the other know what feels good and what doesn’t. Fortunately, signaling during intercourse doesn’t need to include words, because hands on a partner’s hips or rear end can be great rudders—as long as the partner with the hips is hip to the hands.

To Come or Not to Come...

People have this silly notion that women are supposed to come during intercourse and by thrusting alone. Some do, some don’t. As you will see from the following comments, many women who do come during intercourse need help from either their own or their partner’s fingers.

“I come faster sometimes when he’s inside me, but I always have to rub my clit to climax.”
female age 25

“I rarely have orgasms with intercourse, unless I’m playing with myself at the time. The best way for me is oral sex or using a vibrator.”
female age 36

“I don’t usually have orgasms during intercourse. In a very open relationship, I can have an orgasm after intercourse by manually stimulating my clitoris or by rubbing myself on his flaccid penis.”
female age 26

“I usually have them with intercourse if my husband is rubbing my clitoris or using a vibrator while he is thrusting. Sometimes when I am really excited, I can have one just with thrusting.”
female age 35

A woman can love the feelings she gets from intercourse, both emotional and physical, but still not have orgasms from it.

When Is Intercourse a Success?

Most books imply that intercourse is a success if you give each other orgasms and a failure if you don’t. Hardly. This Guide takes the position that intercourse needs to convey certain feelings between partners that are too primal for words alone. These feelings rest on the boundary between body and soul and are transmitted from one person to another in many different ways. If orgasm is part of that process, fine, but having an orgasm is no guarantee that anything special has taken place. On the other hand, it’s possible to have intercourse with no orgasm and experience it as wonderful or enchanting.

When is intercourse a success? Intercourse seems successful when it leaves you feeling more solid, less grumpy, more able to face the day, and less afraid of the world when it’s an overwhelming place. Intercourse is successful when it allows you to give and get something from your partner that makes you feel more whole or wholesome and secure.

When is intercourse a failure? This book’s criterion for failure is waking up at three or four in the morning, looking at the person who’s sleeping next to you and thinking “I wish I were home in my own bed, ALONE.” This can be a particularly nasty dilemma if you are married or living together. And intercourse that conveys less pleasure than when someone leaves you a free hour on a parking meter is not necessarily worth having.

After Intercourse — The Drip Factor

Unless a guy is wearing a rubber or pulls out and squirts to the side, he usually leaves ejaculate inside a woman’s vagina during intercourse. OK, so where does the ejaculate go?

“Runs down your leg,” says one female reader. “It usually drips out,” replies another. “Like water in a cup that’s turned upside down,” says a third. This might not be a problem if you are going to sleep, except for the wet spot on the mattress, but what if you had intercourse in the morning or at lunchtime? “You can usually get it out in the shower” was one response, while another woman says, “Not true. It tends to drain out at its own pace, and all the showering in the world isn’t going to hasten it along.” Either way, what if you already took a shower or don’t want to take one just then? “Sometimes I’ll wear a panty liner,” said one woman, “but it’s not worth a tampon.” All of the women said they know of other women who douche right after intercourse even when they have it at bedtime. Most thought this was silly and unnecessary. As one woman said, “It’s not dirty; I put the stuff in my mouth!” Another woman said, “I don’t have sex with a man unless I really care about him. I find the occasional dripping to be a sweet and sometimes exciting reminder that he’s been here.”