The Holiday Hoax (6 page)

Dobson attempted to smile. “I only want to talk a second.”

“Evan doesn’t want to talk to you. That’s the impression I’m getting here,” JD said.

The band started another song, some Maroon 5 bubblegum love song, but I became aware of all the other customers’ eyes on us.

“Listen,” Dobson said quickly, holding up his hands. “I don’t want trouble. I came over to tell you I’m sorry for being a dick back in school. When I spotted you here with your friend, I wanted to say it. I’ve thought about how I was back then a lot.” Dobson ran a hand through his hair. “I was pretty unhappy and took it out on a lot of people who couldn’t defend themselves.”

I forced myself to reply. “It’s okay.” Part of me wasn’t ready to accept his apology, but wouldn’t refusing it make me the bully too? I gave a curt nod. “Excuse us.”

“Let me buy you a drink,” Dobson urged.

“That’s not necessary.”

“What? You can’t have a drink with me?” His mouth tightened. “It was over seven years ago. I didn’t have to come over and apologize. Did I? But here I am.”

“Sorry—” I started to say and then stopped. I forced my eyes to meet Dobson’s. “Look, I’m trying to accept your apology, and that’s hard enough. Honestly, I don’t need to have you sit down and buy me a drink. I understand you’re sorry,” I choked out, “but I’d like you to go. Please go.”

“What? I’m not good enough to buy you a drink? You don’t forgive me, do you? You only said it so I’d go away. Right? Is that it?”

“I don’t know.” I dropped my gaze away from Dobson’s. “You guys tossed garbage at me. You all pranced behind me, mocking me as I walked home, called me sissy-boy….” I shuddered, feeling myself back there, all the hurts as sharp and clear as ever.

There had been other things, worse and more humiliating than the ones I had mentioned. The time Dobson and his pals had whacked me across the face with a soggy gym sock, or the time they’d left panties taped to my locker for everybody to see. They did it because they could—because it made them feel powerful. Each morning I dreaded school as anxiety ripped into me. I’d wonder how bad the day would be or how I’d survive it. It took all my courage to leave the safety of my room. Who else would join in the teasing? I knew I would never belong. Never be one of them. Fine. But why couldn’t they let me alone? We all knew that telling a teacher or my parents would make the whole thing worse. I’d faked it at home, pretending everything was normal. I was dying inside, and they didn’t know. It was the first time I’d realized how talented an actor I was. What kept me going was the belief that my future would be awesome. The belief I’d leave my crummy, shitty town for better things, and one day these guys would choke on my dust.

But back then, Dobson and his friends made me ashamed. They shrank my whole world down to their cruelty. It might have led me to discover my talent, but it also left me hurting. Even now I couldn’t voice their many cruelties in front of JD because the idea of his hearing it made me panic.

“You think an apology makes it all go away?” JD thundered. “It doesn’t. It only makes you feel better, not Evan. He was polite and accepted your apology. And he asked you to leave us alone. So leave.” He glanced my way. “You want me to make him go, Ev?”

As JD leaned forward, I suddenly became aware of how menacing he could look. I nodded, and he rose to his feet. His black eyes flashed a warning at Dobson. It was the first time anybody not related by blood had ever defended me. It almost made up for all the yesterdays of loneliness.

Dobson paled. “I screwed this up. I am sorry.” He hung his head.

“It’s okay.” I spoke in a low whisper. Because he hadn’t had to approach me and risk my outright rejection, I tried to remain mature about it. I no longer saw myself as ugly, as wrong. And maybe he was sincere.
Maybe.
“But I can’t have a drink with you.”

I met Dobson’s eyes once more. Inside, my stomach roiled.
Go away!
I wanted to shout.
Kick his ass!
I wanted to tell JD.

Instead, I gave a tremulous smile. “Maybe in another seven years, all right? Maybe then, I’ll be ready to do that, but not today.”

“Right,” Dobson said but didn’t move. He still had his old arrogance, apology or not. He looked at me as if to argue more. I held on to the edge of the table as my heart pounded.

“You heard my friend.” JD’s hand landed on my shoulder. “He forgives you. Now go the fuck away.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

JD stared at Dobson until he left, and then he sat back down. He didn’t say a word, only listened to the band, his face pinched. JD pushed around the onion rings on his plate and then said, “Was it awful?”

“Yeah, but…. It was a long time ago. Things got better.”

Stiff, as if he were on high alert, JD didn’t relax. I knew he’d do whatever I asked, and that thought alone warmed me, taking the sting out of seeing Dobson. But what was the point of going backward? I looked at JD sitting next to me, his tension visible. I never liked discussing those days—how frightened I’d been to get out of bed and face it all—yet I saw real concern in his eyes.

“It sucked,” I said. It was the first honest thing I’d said since Dobson came over. “And I’ll never forgive him and those other guys, and I’ll never be all right with it.” I didn’t even try to sugarcoat it the way I would have for my family.

I pushed my memories away and nudged JD in the side. “But let’s forget him and have a good time.”

JD shook his head. “I saw guys like him all the time in high school. Hell, Evan, I was buddies with guys like that. Not that I picked on anybody, because I never did that. But I didn’t stand up for anybody either. And I made plenty of excuses why not. I let everybody know I was with Heather, and we pretended to be this couple.”

“JD, you just said you never picked on anybody. You aren’t like Dobson. You’re way too kindhearted to have ever been like that guy. Maybe you hid, but that’s different.”

“Is it?” JD’s eyes went bleak. “My brother’s like him. Worse. He’s full of hate and bitterness for the world. There is coldness inside of him. He won’t be apologizing to me for what he said. I’ve been fooling myself texting him. I’m really alone now.”

Unhappiness seized me. I wished I could wave a magic wand and change the world, make families better, make people better. Why was it so hard? Why did choices have to cut right down the center of who you were? All I could do was take JD’s hand, because words couldn’t explain anything, not for me, not for JD either.

I gave his fingers a squeeze. After a moment, JD squeezed back.

We sat listening to the band play until Courtney returned. Then I claimed to have a headache, and we went home.

G
ETTING
READY
for bed that night, I brushed my teeth and examined my reflection in the mirror. Middle and high school had been a nightmare I couldn’t wait to escape. I’d been desperate to get away and start my “real life.”

I’d been convinced I’d find my perfect match in college. But here I was, one semester done, and all I’d found was Tyler, who’d made me feel cheap and discarded. I should have waited for better, but patience wasn’t my strong suit.

At least college had lots of people like me, as I’d always hoped—people who embraced what past kids rejected. My love for theater wasn’t odd to them.

“I’m a weirdo,” I used to complain to my mom as she tucked me into bed.

“Everybody is.”

“No, Mom, I mean it.”

She had sat on the side of my mattress and stroked my hair. “Everybody is weird, Evan. Some just hide it better than others. That’s all.”

I spat out my toothpaste. It had taken me a long time to accept myself. Fuck Dobson and fuck Tyler too for making me feel small. I nodded at the mirror. I’d grown into my looks lately. My face wasn’t so thin now. I might never be leading-man material, but I could play the cute, faithful sidekick. I took out my contacts, giving my features a soft blur, and tried to study my eyes. Sometimes it was easier to face the world when I couldn’t see every harsh shape, every flaw. The world could be kinder if everyone was a bit myopic.

“Oh, Jesus! You’re not obsessing in here are you? Again?”

“Screw you.”

“Get out, will you? I need to pee.” Courtney started to unbutton her jeans.

“Hey! Keep your pants on, for God’s sake.” I hastily gathered up my toiletries. “I forgot how awful it is sharing a bathroom with you.”

“Me? You’re the prima donna here.” Courtney batted her eyes. “Oh, Tyler, are you ready for our good-night kiss on the balcony?” She puckered her lips and made a kissing sound.

I shot her my middle finger as I shut the bathroom door. Sisters. I padded down the hallway to the guest room to say good night to JD. My folks had made it clear that like Ann’s or Courtney’s boyfriends, Tyler would sleep in the spare room when visiting. JD looked oddly relieved at the news.

Geez, it wasn’t as if I was going to jump him. I smiled a little. Maybe he wanted me to? He’d made it clear that I tempted him with those looks JD gave me when he thought nobody saw. JD’s quick hot glances made me feel more desired than any touch of Tyler’s. But all of that needed to be on the back burner. Mostly I wanted to simply check on him. The main thing was that JD needed me, and I wanted to be there for him like he’d been there for me tonight.

Hesitating, I knocked on the guest room door and JD answered.

“I wanted to say good night and see if you need anything.”

I stepped inside and shut the door behind me. Then I faced JD and gaped. He had his shirt off, and the lamplight illuminated every muscle. His shoulders were broad, his abdomen sculpted, his skin a golden color. I stood glued to the spot, taking it all in. My throat went dry, and it was hard to breathe. I’d thought JD was attractive before, and my heart had ached for his pain, but I hadn’t quite imagined he looked this godlike with his shirt off.

I felt like a cartoon character with smoke coming out of my ears and my tongue unraveling at my feet. But believe me, JD’s torso could rival Adonis’s.

“Thanks.” JD ran his hand down his chest and scratched his ribcage. “I’m all set.”

I shivered in response. I’d felt the movement of his fingers as if he’d caressed me.

“You have extra pillows and blankets?” My voice was soft. I was lost in the moment, dreaming of touching all that glorious skin. I wanted to press my lips to it.

“I’m fine.” JD stared. A muscle twitched in his jaw.

“Okay, then.” With a quick smile, I turned away.

“Wait.” JD took a few steps toward me.

“Yeah?”

“Tonight, eating dinner with your whole family, playing dreidel with everybody, your sister taking us to hear that band—it was all so…. It almost made me like the holidays.” JD’s lips curved up into a shy smile. “For once, the holidays almost don’t suck.”

“I’m glad. You deserve it, JD.”

“I don’t know….”

“You deserve it,” I insisted. “You deserve a happy holiday the same as everybody else.”

“Growing up with Shawn, nothing felt like home. Even if it’s all a big illusion, every kid wants to feel safe. You know? And I haven’t had that in a long time.”

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“No, nothing like that. But Shawn made it clear I was a burden, and I never felt at ease in my own house.” JD stroked his jaw, his face grave. “I’ve been fucked up, Evan, about a lot of things. I still am.”

“Maybe. But you’ll get there.”

“You think?”

“I know.”

“So sure of everything. Must be nice.”

“It’s awesome to be me.” I grinned.

He laughed softly. “Liar. I know tonight was hard for you. That Dobson guy….”

“Yeah, let’s not talk about him.”

Although JD asked out of concern, I saw no sense in discussing him. If I could, I’d change the past. I’d go and handle it all differently, but I could only move forward. Boys like Dobson had made me feel scared and alone. All I had wanted was to get away. Middle school was over. Thank fucking God. Why look back? Looking back only screwed me up inside.

“Okay, forget him,” JD agreed softly. “But you’ve had a lousy time too these past few weeks, haven’t you? I watched you sometimes. With Tyler. I saw how he used you.”

“You watched us? Don’t take this the wrong way, but that’s a bit creepy. Were there binoculars involved?”

“Shut up. I said only sometimes. You guys were the only out people I knew about in the dorm. So yeah, I envied that. I wondered what it must be like to not hide all the time. To not feel as if you live your life in a pressure cooker. But I also saw how Tyler would flirt with lots of other people when you weren’t around.”

“Oh.” My grin faded. “I was stupid, I guess.”

“No.” JD’s tone turned urgent. “Not at all. You were so full of laughter and sweetness. You’re so alive, so ready for life. Don’t let a creep like Tyler change that. It’s one of the reasons that I watched you both. Here I sat alone in my own dorm room, night after night, too chickenshit to really try. You gave me hope that someday I could do it. I know you only invited me here to be kind, but” —JD offered his hand— “I’m glad we’re becoming real friends.”

I bit the side of my lip and nodded. “Me too.” I clasped JD’s hand in mine, and our palms pressed. The touch zinged through me like an electric charge. “I do think of you as a friend already.”

I frantically searched his eyes. Our palms were still flat against each other. I was aware of the heat at the contact of skin to skin. I gently squeezed his hand, and JD drew in a sharp, tight breath.

We shouldn’t.

It wouldn’t be smart.

It couldn’t possibly work out.

I dropped the handshake and reached for JD’s shoulder. We were mere inches away from each other. I held on to him, gripping his muscles, and JD moved closer.

“Okay,” JD said as if I’d asked him a question. He kissed me, his lips softer than I had imagined. There was nothing drunk or sloppy in JD’s kiss—it was the way I’d always hoped a kiss could be.

I kissed back, needing, desiring. JD’s lips parted, and I slid my tongue inside. A dark, deep pleasure spread through me. The kiss was so good, it was almost unbearable.