Authors: Stephen Karam
The Humans (10 page)
BRIGID
Do Mom and Dad know?
AIMEE
No, I don't want to discuss it at dinner and . . . I'm okay, I'm mostly just like . . . uhhhh, how am I gonna find another girlfriend? . . . / I'm serious . . .
BRIGID
You're a complete catch.
AIMEE
I'm gonna be pooing out of a hole in my abdomen. Who's gonna / date me?
BRIGID
Aimee . . . lots of people . . .
AIMEE
Lotta
ugly
people . . .
BRIGID
Aimee!
AIMEE
. . . lotta troll ladies, who'll have their own troll problems . . .
BRIGID
Stop . . .
AIMEE
. . . living under bridges . . .
BRIGID
. . . if you shat out your earsâif they re-routed your colon to your
ears
I'd still marry you.
AIMEE
. . . uh-huh . . . when do I evenâdo I wait for the
third
date to be like: “Just FYI, I shit out of a hole in my belly.” Is that a
fifth
date thing?
BRIGID
Sorry you have to go through all that.
Erik resolves to go upstairs, but stops near the top of the staircase when he realizes the girls are talking about him.
AIMEE
I'm more worried aboutâdid you notice Mom's knees? . . . Going down / the stairs . . .
BRIGID
I saw, yeah . . . I'm afraid to ask how her arthritis is . . . or Dad's back . . . / I don't wanna know . . .
AIMEE
Well it's bothering himâcan't you tell he'sâ
BRIGID
No, yeah I just assumed . . . it's probably . . . he hasn't been sleeping, right? . . .
The light fixture above them burns out.
BRIGID | AIMEE |
Shit . . . | Was that the light? |
DOWNSTAIRS
:
Erik shifts his direction and heads back downstairs, hurt by what he's overheard.
DEIRDRE
What are they doing up there?â
ERIK | BRIGID |
     |      |
They're coming, they're coming . . . | Richard . . . Rich . . . babe, do we have a spare bulb? The light up here is out. |
 | RICHARD |
     |      |
I'll ask them after dinner . . . | Can you just . . . open the |
I'll ask later . . . | bathroom door, let that light spill intoâ |
BRIGID
Richard, that's not a very good solution to the problemâ
RICHARD
Well, I'm not a magician, do you want me / to make a light bulb appear out of thin air?
DEIRDRE
Well hey, howâRich . . . how 'bout, there's an LED lantern in our care-package . . . lemme get that out so it's not like a cave up there . . . problem solved . . .
RICHARD
Uh, sure . . . thanks, Deirdre.
Deirdre goes upstairs.
Brigid turns on the light in the bathroom and opens the door; Aimee opens the care-package box.
BRIGID
You bought us a
lantern
?
ERIK
    Â
(Calling up)
I
bought it. After what the hurricane did to this neighborhood . . . you can't be without light, not in a basement apartment.
DOWNSTAIRS
:
Richard and Erik take care of final table arrangements.
UPSTAIRS
:
Deirdre and Aimee and Brigid sift through her care-package box.
AIMEE
    Â
(Seeing what else is in the care-package)
Cans of tuna? Oh Mom . . .
DEIRDRE
You gotta be prepared . . .
ERIK
They say another storm's gonna strike this year . . . you're in a Zone A flood zone.
RICHARD
Well I don't blame you for worrying, especially afterâBrigid told me about . . . you and Aimee.
ERIK | UPSTAIRS |
Yeah, well . . . | BRIGID |
 | There are literally three |
 | thousand double-A batteries in |
 | here. |
. . . yeah . . . | Â |
 | DEIRDRE |
 | There are literally twelve. |
. . . what's funny is Bridge is | Â |
the one who'd beenâyou can | Â |
imagine her as a teenager, | Deirdre puts batteries into two |
she was a piece of work, she | flashlights and the lantern. |
loved teasing me because | Aimee heads to the window to |
Scranton's a stone's throw | deal with work e-mails. |
from the greatest city in the | Â |
world but I've never even, | Â |
you know, I'd never seen the | |
ERIK | Â |
Statue of Liberty, never seen | BRIGID |
the . . . [anyway . . .] | A wind-up radio? |
. . . she's a piece of work . . . | Â |
[anyway] . . . | DEIRDRE |
. . . so whenâ | You'll thank me later. |
Aimee got a, an interview to | Â |
be a paralegal at this New York | Â |
firm . . . I took the day off, | Â |
drove her in . . . Aimee's at | Â |
her interview by 8:45, thirty- | Â |
seventh floor and . . . I'm at | Â |
a Dunkin' Donuts across the | Â |
street 'cause the observation | Â |
deck didn't open until 9:30, / | Â |
otherwise . . . | Â |
RICHARD
Oh man . . .
ERIK | Â |
. . . yeah, took me hours to | BRIGID |
find her 'cause . . . I had no | Â Â Â Â Â |
cell then . . . but . . . | Stop checking your e-mail. |
RICHARD | Â |
Man, I can't even [imagine] | DEIRDRE |
. . . / it's just crazy . . . | Â Â Â Â Â |
 | There we go . . . |
ERIK | Â |
. . . yeah . . . well . . . what's | Deirdre walks into the darkest |
crazy is how you still mess | spot in the upstairs hallway to |
up . . . you stillâ | place the lantern on the floor. |
 | Brigid is about to head back |
 | downstairs . . . |
UPSTAIRS
:
Deirdre
screams.
Her lantern falls to the floor.
ERIK | RICHARD |
What? / What's wrong? | Hey you okay? |
DEIRDRE
It was a rat or something . . . oh God . . . where did it go? / Did you see it?
Brigid shines her flashlight on the floor. Erik and Richard arrive upstairs.
ERIK | AIMEE |
What's wrong you okay? / | Oh my God I absolutely saw |
What happened? | that what was that?!? |
BRIGID | RICHARD |
Okay don't screamâAmerican | Okay, okay, I'll get it . . . |
cockroaches are huge . . . I'm | Â |
sure it was just a cockroachâ | Â |
DEIRDRE
I have nothing to stand on . . . someone give me something to stand on . . .
BRIGID
It was an American cockroach, they're huge / okay?âdon't get so upsetâ
AIMEE
Ewwwww . . .
DEIRDRE
A cockroach the size of a mouse
is
upsetting!
DOWNSTAIRS
:
Momo wakes up, stumbles off the couch, slowly plods to the kitchen . . .
AIMEE | DEIRDRE |
Ahhhh, I can't be up here | Shouldn't we kill it? |
right now . . . no, Mom, | Â |
c'mon . . . | Â |
BRIGID | RICHARD |
I'm not killing it . . . | Â Â Â Â Â |
 | I'll get it if it comes back . . . |
 | DEIRDRE |
     |  |
Don't laugh at me . . . | Â |
UPSTAIRS
:
The cockroach-melee winds down. Erik heads back downstairs.
ERIK | BRIGID |
     | Okay, okay . . . everyone retreat |
You gotta caulk. If you let | . . . it's just a cockroach . . . |
me caulk and put down some | Â |
boric acid . . . | Â |
RICHARD | DEIRDRE |
I hear you, Erik, I will . . . | Jesus, Mary and Joseph . . . |
okay, everyone down for dinner, | Â |
sorry for the bug scare . . . | Â |
Erik descends the stairs and doesn't see Momo.
ERIK
Mom . . .
Mom
. . . ?
DEIRDRE | AIMEE |
I should have included insect | Â Â Â Â Â |
traps in the care-packageâ | I had roaches in my first |
 | Philly apartment . . . |
ERIK
Hey where's . . . Dee, where's Mom? . . .
Erik checks outside the basement door; no sign of Momo.
ERIK | DEIRDRE |
. . . help me look for her! | Well where could sheâyou |
Just look! | want me to look under the |
 | couch |
 | she be?! |
A
crash
of a few empty pots and pans, maybe some knocked dishes, sounds from the kitchen alley. Erik disappears into the kitchen alley. Momo mumbles under the following scene as everyone tries to recover and Erik helps her back to the couch.
ERIK | MOMO |
     |      |
. . . Mom . . . / Jesus Christ . . . | . . . nairywheres do we blag |
 | werstrus, doll sezzer big |
 | sussten back . . . sezz it |
 | hairidoll . . . er hairin sildern |
 | fernal garn ackening ery or |
 | loddinsezz . . . |
DEIRDRE | AIMEE |
Is she okay? | What? Is she hurt? |
ERIK | BRIGID |
     | What happened? Is she okay? |
. . . Jesus Christ . . . yeah, | Â |
God . . . | Â |