The Humans (6 page)

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Authors: Stephen Karam

BOOK: The Humans
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AIMEE

Nor ulcerative colitis . . .

MOMO

     
(Mumbled)

. . . can neverbody black werstrus—

BRIGID

Nor dementia . . .

MOMO

—you / sornum never back . . .

DEIRDRE

AIMEE

Okay, now you're pushing it . . .

Brigid . . .

BRIGID

     
(Smiling)

What—too soon? / Too soon?

AIMEE

DEIRDRE

Yes, too soon . . .

Not funny . . .

Brigid hugs Momo.

ERIK

Yeah, you
better
give her a hug . . .

BRIGID

We love you, Momes . . .

ERIK

To knowing this is what matters, right here . . . 'cause lemme tell you, coming down these streets, thinking about how far the Blakes've come . . . even seeing that candle store / was . . .

BRIGID

It's not a candle store, it's a boutique that sells, like,
one
candle—

ERIK

. . . hey I'm just appreciating how, you see all these rich people walking around New York, God knows where their money
comes from, but . . . end of the day, everything that
anyone's
got . . . I don't care how many candles you have . . . one day it
goes
. . . whatever gifts God's given us, in the end, no matter who you are . . . everything you have
goes
.

Small beat.

DEIRDRE

Well that's the
positive
way of looking at things.

Erik smiles.

ERIK

Sorry—I love my family . . . / that's the short version, I'm glad we're together.

AIMEE

BRIGID

We love you too . . .

Love you guys . . .

DEIRDRE

RICHARD

Here here, amen . . .

Cheers . . .

ERIK

And a special thanks to Richard for making this meal possible, since we know what a lousy cook Brigid is . . .

BRIGID

AIMEE

This is true . . .

Amen.

They all ad-lib “cheers” and toast.

RICHARD

Okay, five minutes and everything will be out and ready to go . . .

     
(Setting out more food)

Here's some more munchies, here . . .

DEIRDRE

Yum . . . thank you . . .

They all settle in. Erik looks after Momo.

AIMEE

So how are you, Mom?

DEIRDRE

I'm good, I'm good . . . I was—did you get the text I sent about—Bridge, this girl who played basketball for Dunmore, she was bullied for being gay . . . her mom found her dead in her room on Tuesday . . .

BRIGID

AIMEE

Whoa . . .

Oh man . . .

DEIRDRE

. . . yeah, suicide with some kinda pills . . . it's all over the news . . . I texted you, / I wasn't sure if you got it?

AIMEE

This week was crazy . . . no, yeah I got it, I'm just behind with my messages . . .

Deirdre picks at the crudités platter.

BRIGID

You don't have to text her every time a lesbian kills herself.

DEIRDRE

AIMEE

I don't.

She doesn't do that—I appreciate what / you're meaning . . .

DEIRDRE

I get enough annoying forwards myself, so—I don't wanna clog up your guys's inbox—

AIMEE

You're not, Mom. You're good though?

DEIRDRE

I am, yeah . . . my bosses are—I'm an office manager, Rich, I've been with the same company since right outta high school . . .

ERIK

Whole place would fall apart without her—

DEIRDRE

. . . yeah, well my
salary
doesn't reflect that, and these new kids they hired, I'm working for two more guys in their twenties, and just 'cause they have a special degree they're making five times what I make, over forty years / I've been there, Rich . . .

RICHARD

BRIGID

Wow, forty years . . . ?

Well . . . hey . . . focus on the lake house, you'll be able to unwind soon . . . you gotta take care of yourself.

ERIK

AIMEE

They're lucky to have you . . .

Are you breaking ground this summer?

DEIRDRE

No . . .

RICHARD

I think it's smart to wait for the sewers to be put in, the value of your property will skyrocket.

BRIGID

AIMEE

Thanks, Professor.

When are they gonna be installed?

DEIRDRE

[I don't know . . . ] Erik . . . ?

ERIK

That's up to the Department of Public Works, when the sewers get put in.

Small beat.

AIMEE

And how's Aunt Mary?

DEIRDRE

She's hanging in there, God love her . . . they got this contraption now to help load her into the pool but—Rich, this is their aunt who had both knees replaced, / I drive her to her physical therapy . . .

ERIK

     
(Indicating the crudités platter)

Pass the . . .

DEIRDRE

. . . and did I e-mail you that—Kay Hoban has ovarian cancer . . .

AIMEE

BRIGID

Oh man, how's she doing?

She does? Yikes . . .

DEIRDRE

Yeah, I've been taking her to her treatments 'cause her and her brother, they don't speak anymore, so . . . that's a whole mess, but . . . she's being tough, so . . .

     
(Takes a bite of food)

. . . what else . . . oh, Tuesdays I'm now—

BRIGID

Mom, you're talking with your mouth full.

Beat.

DEIRDRE

. . . I, uh, started volunteering for—Father Quinn told me about, and don't roll your eyes, Erik . . .

ERIK

I'm not saying a word.

DEIRDRE

. . . right in Scranton there's a whole community of refugees from Bhutan . . .

Aimee stifles laughter.

DEIRDRE

What? / It's not funny . . .

BRIGID

Let me guess, Saint Deirdre is coming to their rescue?—

ERIK

     
(Smiling)

You have / no idea . . .

DEIRDRE

Be quiet—
you
have no idea—these people have
nothing
. . . they're all just looking to learn English, to find work—we
think
we've got nothing, but man . . .

RICHARD

That's great you're volunteering . . .

DEIRDRE

Thanks, Rich.

BRIGID

And how are
you,
Mom. Aimee didn't ask how the Republic of Bhutan was doing—

ERIK

DEIRDRE

Hey, hey . . .

I'm
good
, smart-ass, I said that already . . . Now why don't you open your gift . . .

BRIGID

AIMEE

Mom, I was just teasing . . .

         
(Getting up, registering a cramp)

 

Hey guys—no one be alarmed if I'm up and down these stairs a million times to use the . . . facilities . . . so . . .

 

DEIRDRE

Godspeed . . .

You want me to go with you?

Aimee shakes her head no as she goes up the stairs.

Brigid opens her gift, it's a small shiny pink pig.

BRIGID

. . . ah, it's a peppermint pig! Rich, check it out . . .

AIMEE

DEIRDRE

Amazing . . .

Hey, holler if we can do anything, okay?

AIMEE

     
(Going up the stairs)

I will, don't smash that pig without me . . .

ERIK

DEIRDRE

We won't . . .

Poor baby . . .

BRIGID

And what is this other . . .

     
(Opening the other wrapped object)

. . . ah, a Virgin Mary statue—

BRIGID

DEIRDRE

—complete with a serpent under her foot . . .

Okay, before you tease me, I know you guys don't believe, but she's appearing everywhere now not just in Fatima but in West Virginia and—just keep it for my sake, in the kitchen or even if you just put it in a drawer somewhere, okay?

BRIGID

Mom, I will absolutely keep this in a drawer somewhere, / thank you.

DEIRDRE

Yeah, well . . . I feel better knowing you have it.

Small beat.

RICHARD

I thought maybe Brigid was making the pig-smash up, but—

ERIK

Oh no, it's real . . .

RICHARD

BRIGID

Can't wait to see how it works . . .

It's not Thanksgiving without it . . .

 

     
(Hugging Deirdre)

 

. . . thank you.

DEIRDRE

You're welcome.

MOMO

     
(Quietly, tapering to silence)

. . . why'm I hereson. Go warson herror truh. / Do the glassor comes blag . . . sezzor black . . . why'm I hereson. Go warson herror truh. Do the glassor comes blag . . . sezzor black . . . . . . why'm I hereson. Go warson herror truh. Do the glassor comes blag . . . sezzor black . . .

DEIRDRE

     
(Massaging her hand)

You wanna go for a ride, Mom? Let's go for a ride . . .

UPSTAIRS
:
Aimee nurses a cramp before she proceeds to the bathroom.

DOWNSTAIRS
:
Deirdre wheels Momo around the apartment.

ERIK

     
(To Brigid and Richard, referring to Momo)

She had a good day yesterday, you know? It's hard to predict now how she's gonna be . . . this is definitely her last big trip . . .

BRIGID

How are
you
doing? Is that why you aren't sleeping?—

ERIK

RICHARD

I'll sleep tonight—

Oh yeah, sorry Erik, we got sidetracked before—you were talking about your dream?

DEIRDRE

Oh, so you'll tell
him
details / about your dream—but you won't tell me?

RICHARD

ERIK

He didn't tell me details . . .

No—guys, I don't even remember it, there's nothing to tell . . .

BRIGID

DEIRDRE

Well, now I don't believe you . . .

I saw the way you woke up, don't tell me you can't remember something—

RICHARD

ERIK

     
(Defending Erik)

     
(Smiling, to Brigid)

Hey, no I forget mine if

[Man, you're a piece of work.]

I don't write them down in the morning . . .

 

ERIK

See? . . . there you go . . .

DEIRDRE

Well whatever it was, couldn't a been scarier than the—

     
(Laughing)

—I made him watch this—what was it called, Erik? . . . / the movie . . . ?

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