The Infernal Optimist (18 page)

I should explain about walks. Ching once told me that in Chinese there be no word for ‘privacy’, what makes it the same as in Villawood. Villawood was so locked up from the outside. You could always hear the sound a gates swinging shut and padlocks kachunking into place. But there wasn’t no locks on our personal doors what was true in reality as well as met-oh-four.

And the Visiting Yard was just one big goldfish bowl what had lotsa big goldfish eyes in. If you was sitting down, you was a sitting duck, what is a duck what is waiting for the roast. Even if you was having a deep and meaningful with someone, another detainee was sure to come by and say hello. It was like a rule that you had to invite them to join you. They would, too. Cuz they had nuffin else to do. So in that goldfish bowl what had so many eyes and ducks in, there was only two ways to get some a that privacy what not be in the vocabulary.

One was to be doing something important with papers. The other was to go on a walk. In factuality there was nowhere to go, but so long as you kept moving, no one bothered you. A full circuit round the perimeter took approximately two hundred and seventy-three footsteps, though I reckoned it was more like two hundred and twenty steps, cuz most people avoided the shelter, where there was too much happening. Wherever you went, you couldn’t get no more than a metre or two from other people, but it was the illusion a privacy that worked.

There was this Aussie chick what fell in love with a Somalian dude. They held hands and walked the perimeter from the second she got Inside till the blues ordered everyone out at seven. I tried to write a hip-hop song about it. The first lines went,
Let’s get into motion, we be ships in the ocean, I’m the lover with emotion that is real, I’m the bruvva with the potion, make you feel
—but that’s as far as I got. When I finished, I was gonna send it to Celine Dion what needed to upgrade into hip-hop. If she bought it I was gonna be rich and famous. Azad, what had a poster a Celine Dion on his wall, told me he was surprised that most a his Aussie visitors didn’t like Celine Dion. I insured him that unless they was wogs, Australians didn’t know nuffin about music unless it be rock ’n’ roll.

We was just turning the corner round the playground when April sighed. ‘I wish she’d shave under her arms.’

‘It’s a hippy thing, eh? But it’s not that important. She’s your daughter, mate. So she gotta be beautiful and talented whatever she does with her pits. It’s in the jeans, what you both look good in.’

April shook her head. ‘Those jeans of hers couldn’t get any lower. I swear they’re only six centimetres from belt to crotch.’

I almost said ‘six centimetres to paradise’ but then I remembered who I was talking about and snapped me trap shut before me foot could make it all the way inside, what was for once.

‘I was just telling Thomas that Josh has agreed to speak with the Minister this week? But I’m…I’m nervous nothing will come of it? There’s no guarantee the Minister will listen. You know, I was asking Marley what she thought she was doing with that silly protest, and she said, “Well, what are
you
doing, Mum? Tea and biscuits isn’t exactly setting them free either.” It
reminded me of something Sue said to me, after that first time I came, and I was telling her my doubts about talking to Josh. She said there were two kinds of people who visited detention—knitters and kayakers. I didn’t really get it at first? But I see now. Sue’s a real kayaker. Me, I don’t know, Zeki. I feel like I’m a knitter trying to be a kayaker but I don’t really have a clue how to do it? I’m using knitting needles for oars.’ A look came onto April’s face what reminded me a She Who Must Be Constantly Reinsured when she thinks her bum’s too big in something.

I didn’t know what to say. I never been in a kayak and I didn’t know nuffin about knitting.

‘Yo, Bogan.’ Hadeon was sitting at a table near the playground with some other five-oh-ones and his skanky moll what was visiting. Since he got to Stage Two, I’d been avoiding him as much as possible, though it was like a sardine trying to ignore another sardine what be in the same tin. ‘Introduce us to yer girlfriend, will ya?’ The other guys laughed dumb laughs like huh-huh-huh-huh cuz that be what passes for wit in the five-oh-one world. Maaan. Gimme asylums any day. I glanced at April what was frowning like she wasn’t sure if they was being insulting, what I knew they was on a count a her age.

We was close to the gate going into the compound when Angel came through.

‘Hey, Angel.’ Angel was looking round. I figured she was looking for Hamid. ‘Hamid’s over there, with Sue.’ I pointed out where they be. Hamid was looking our way.

Angel nodded, but like she didn’t care much. ‘Thanks, Zek.’ She kissed April hello. Then she headed in the opposite
direction, what be to Hadeon’s table. With a look a concern on his face, Hamid jumped up from the table and came hurrying across the yard towards Angel. Glancing back at Hadeon’s table, I saw his moll quickly reach into her bra and palm something over to him.

Back in Marley’s circle, Azad was sitting so far forward in his chair you coulda tipped him over by flicking his neck with two fingers, I swear. Marley was bent forward too, over one leg what was expended, and she was slowly rolling up the leg of her jeans. Every eye was on that leg as she showed it, inch by inch like in one a them peep shows in the Cross where you gotta keep putting in the money, except she were doing it for free.

‘What the…?’ April picked up the pace.

By the time we got back to them, Marley had pulled her jeans clear over her knee. She was pointing at a bruise. ‘See? That’s what the pigs did when they pushed me the day I chained myself to the fence.’

All the guys was making noises like ooh and ahh. The Afghani guy what recently arrived, his cheeks was like two red apples, and Azad wasn’t looking happy.

‘People are looking,’ he said like that be a bad thing, though he be one a them.

‘Oh, it doesn’t bother me,’ Marley said, turning her leg this way and that and running her hand over the bare skin before she pulled the jeans back down again. She was wearing thongs and had silver rings on her toes what had nails what was painted blue and wore one a them hippy bracelets with silver bells around her ankle, what be slim.

‘Azad, Azad.’ Abeer, followed by Noor, pushed her way through to Azad. Her tiny hands was cupped round her pet gecko. ‘Visa’s sick.’

‘Your gecko’s called “Visa”?’ Marley asked. ‘That’s
so
ironic.’

Abeer ignored her.

‘What are you feeding him?’ Azad asked her.

‘Maltesers.’

Everyone laughed. Abeer stuck out her bottom lip. ‘What’s so funny?’ she asked.

‘I dunno,’ I said, throwing me hands up. ‘I live on Maltesers, and look at me—I’m fine.’

Azad shook his head. ‘Maybe try mosquitoes or flies.’

‘Yuck,’ Abeer said, shaking her head. ‘
You
try mosquitoes and flies.’

‘Yuck,’ echoed Noor. She been a lot happier since her mum got transferred from Woomera to Villawood.

Marley turned to the others. ‘How can they keep little children behind razor wire?’ She looked back at the kids. ‘What are your names?’ she asked, opening her arms to them.

Abeer stared at her feet. Noor stared at Marley. They didn’t move.

‘What’re your names?’ Marley asked again.

Abeer mumbled her name, but added, ‘I don’t want you to say it cuz you’ll say it wrong, like ‘a beer’. Australians are stupid. You lock us up then ask how can we be here. We gotta go.’ She stomped off like an elephant what was little, Noor following and stomping her feet too, like an elephant what was even littler.

Marley made a face. ‘I don’t think they liked me,’ she said.

‘No, no, no,’ Azad said reinsuringly. ‘They’re just kids.’

‘We better go, darling,’ April said to break the Auckland Silence that settled round them after that. ‘We’ve got dinner with Josh.’

Marley rolled her eyes. ‘Did you guys hear? Mum’s getting back together with Dr Rectum.’

‘
Marley.
’ April blushed. ‘How many times have I told you not to…’ She turned to us to explain. ‘He’s a proctologist.’

‘Yeah,’ Marley said. ‘He treats arseholes like the Minister.’

I don’t think everyone got what they was talking about, what was probably a good thing. People was picking up the empty cups and throwing them in the bin, looking round to make sure they didn’t forget nuffin. Then we all walked them to the gate, Azad sticking right by Marley’s side. I looked round at us—Iranians, Turks, Iraqis, Afghanis, Bangladeshis, Kashmiris, Palestinians, Sri Lankans and Africans, like a delegation from the United Fucken Nations a Misery, pardon me French.

Just before we got to the gate, Marley dropped her bomb. ‘If you guys ever wanna escape, and I can do anything to help, I’m there. I’m so there.’ This took everyone completely by surprise, including her mum, what blanched like an almond.

‘She didn’t mean that,’ April said.

‘Yes, I did. This place is fucked.’ She raised her voice. ‘Free the refugees! Free the refugees!’

Clarence looked over from his post at the gate. ‘You were just leaving, were you, darling?’

After April and Marley passed through the vault door, everyone deflated and flew off in different directions like balloons what lost their air, except without those farting noises what balloons do.

‘Zeki.’ I turned. Azad was standing there with his hands in his pockets.

‘Yeah, bruvva.’

‘You still thinking about…you know?’

‘You in, mate?’

‘I don’t know. Do you think…’ He flicked him eyeballs at the gate.

‘First offer we’ve had, and it’s a good one, eh?’

He sighed. He shuffled over to the section a the fence facing the road, where he could wave goodbye at April and Marley when they’d come outta the office and gone through the last two gates.

I shoulda been feeling good, but I just felt tired. I missed She Who something wicked. If I skipped, that was gonna be the end for sure. I’d be on the run for the rest a me life. I’d never see her again. Then again, I was probably never gonna see her again as it was.

At that moment, something made me look up at the vault door. I couldn’t believe me eyes.

It was me own Marlena, She Who Apparently Still Loved Me After All. She was looking mighty stern, I had to admit. Her mouth was all pinched up into a line. But them eyes were like big brown pools, pools what not be brown for any bad reason but cuz a tea tree or something else what makes pools brown in a nice way. Them eyes never lied and they was
saying she missed me. It was all I could do from jumping up and punching the air.

‘Hey,’ she said, soft as pillows. She was still on the other side a the gate.

‘Hey,’ I said, raising up me chin, me hands in me pockets.

While I waited for Clarence to open the gate, Hadeon came towards the gate with his moll.

‘Ya promised ya was gonna marry me,’ the moll whinged in one a them voices what is spoked through the nose.

‘Sweetheart,’ Hadeon answered, ‘the only way you’re getting my ring on your finger is if I sit on your hand.’

Clarence snickered.

The moll busted into tears.

For some reason, me own Marlena did the same.

Women. I swear if I live to a hundred and fifty I’ll never understand them.

Clarence opened the gate. Hadeon’s moll went out and She Who came in.

Even though I hates it when women cry, I was so happy to see her I almost bawled meself.

Turned out it was Reza and him furballs what brought She Who back to me. She was working in the hospital when they wheeled him in. She recognised him from Visits.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said to her cuz I believe in apologising when you be wrong, what I sorta was, and also when it means you can get something you want out of it. Like me woman back, what I wanted pretty badly.

She wiped her eyes, what had eyeliner on. The black smudged, making her look like one a them Chinese panda bears what, in factuality, are very cute. She’d put lip gloss on too, making them sweet lips all shiny and wet like me Celica when it be raining, what is so sexy. Her hair was clean and shining like the gold on the little chain around her neck, what I got from the same place them earrings came from. She’d made herself up to look good for me, what was her man. ‘I’m so glad you’re back, babydoll.’

‘I didn’t say I’m coming back to you.’

Me heart shrunk like a T-shirt in the dryer. The words to Britney’s ‘From the Bottom a Me Broken Heart’ floated up in me head instead a me own words. I know it’s a girl song, but to be truthful I wasn’t feeling too much like a man.

‘C’mon, darl, let’s sit down,’ I said finally. All me other words was piling up behind them like a ten-car smash on the Pacific Highway. It took all me emergency services to get that one sentence out.

Some people was leaving so we took their table. It was sticky with spilled soda and bits a rice and Korean food, what smelled a garlic and cabbage. She Who Likes a Clean Home stared at a tiny scrap a cooked meat like it was gonna jump up and bite her. I went to borrow a serviette from Abeer’s family, what was sitting with some Palestinians from the community what was visiting. Her dad had come out of their room, what was for once and a good thing to see. He invited me to join them, but I told him I had a visitor. Najah, Abeer’s mum, sent me back with a plastic plate heaped full a falafels and pickles and Leb bread and hummus. I wiped the table with me sleeve, cuz I forgot to get the serviette, and placed the food down in the middle. I gestated at She Who to help herself, but she sat staring down at her hands in her lap. That’s when I noticed she’d got thinner. She was wearing a new T-shirt with sparkles on.

This was making me nervous. I wrapped a falafel in some Leb bread with hummus and salad and offered it to her. She shook her head what proved that she was looking at me even if she was pretending not to. I tore it in half and put half on
the plate, where it be pointing at her. I started to eat the other half meself outta stressation.

‘I wanted to see how you were,’ she said. ‘It sounds…you know, just from seeing Reza, like things here have been pretty full-on.’ She Who Wasn’t Gonna Make This Easy had a treble in her voice, like one a them opera singers.

I nodded. Sweat was trickling down me face. I wiped it with me sleeve before I remembered I already wiped the table with the same one. I could feel Korean food bits stick to me cheeks. I pretended I was scratching me face and picked them off.

‘Your nose,’ she said, pointing to the tip of her own. ‘Cabbage.’

Sometimes I think how the hell did a clown like me get a girl like Marlena? Then the Infernal Optimist kicks in and I think, who else could make her laugh the way I do?

‘Hello, Marlena. Nice to see you.’ Azad came over and shook Marlena’s hand.

‘Nice to see you too, Azad,’ Marlena said, turning on a smile for him what she wasn’t giving me. ‘How are you?’

‘Still breathing,’ he said.

‘No news?’

‘Is good news. Anyway, I only came over to say hello. Enjoy your visit. I will see you later.’ Azad wandered off to join some other visitors.

‘He’s really nice,’ Marlena said. She gazed after him like she be thinking how nice he was compared to yours truly.

‘You too,’ I said with a grin, trying on some a me old
charm. ‘You’re really nice.’ She gave me a look what said it wasn’t working. I took another tack. ‘You look great, darl.’

Nada
. It was one a them all-care-no-response situations.

‘I brought you some cigarettes and bickies and stuff,’ Marlena said, picking up one a the bags in her hands to show me. There was a box a Tiny Teddies, what I figured be a good sign. But what really jump-started me heart was the sight of a pile a videos in the other bag, cuz they was rented. She’d have to come back to pick them up. There was mostly weeklies but a couple was three-day hire. I knew she knew I knew what that meant, cuz when I looked up our eyes met and she smiled. Then she caught herself, like she be her own lady cop for a change, and put on a expression of accusation.

‘How’s your girlfriend?’ she asked.

‘I dunno,’ I said. ‘I ain’t seen her for weeks, what feels like years.’

‘Why not? Where’s she been?’

‘I was about to ask her that meself.’

Her bottom lip stuck out. ‘Well, go on then. I’m sure she’s here somewhere.’

‘Where you been, babydoll?’ I asked, looking straight at her.

‘Me? You talking about me, then?’

I said I was.

She Who said that if she was gonna stay with me, there was gonna be some new rules. She talked about fidelity, what she said was not about the quality of sound in a home entertainment system. I knew that, of course. I was just stirring her when I made her explain. She talked about
respect, what she said was not just an Aretha Franklin song. And she talked about commitment, what was exactly what it sounded like—long.

Women is the most difficult thing, I swear. I’m coming back a monk in the next life. Or a nun what gets it on with other nuns, cuz that’d be all right. Women gotta be easier if you’re one a them yourself. And lezzos always look like they be having fun on those websites what is devotioned to them.