The Island Of Bears: A BBW Paranormal Romance (13 page)

The next day, after only a few hours of sleep, I awoke before dawn and once again made my way through the village to his cabin. This time, he was home, sitting on the porch steps with a mug of coffee. As I approached, walking across a wide stretch of sandy, rocky terrain that led to his cabin, a slight change in his expression let me know that he’d seen me, at least out of the corner of his eye. However, he didn’t really look at me. He just kept staring out at the ocean in the distance, and the grayish lavender predawn sky above it.

When I reached him, I was struck by two things. The first was just how devastatingly attractive he was, not that I’d forgotten. Reclining slightly, with his back against the top step, he was shirtless, wearing nothing but battered jeans, and even in the dim light, I could see every chiseled ridge of his chest and abs. His thick, dark hair was rakishly tousled, as if he’d just gotten out of bed, which he probably had. In profile, his strong, square jaw was displayed to its best advantage. He was the kind of handsome that could take a woman’s breath away, even if she was used to it.

The second thing that struck me when I stood before Holden was just how very much I’d missed him. I missed every single thing about him, from his deep voice to his woodsy, masculine scent, to the feeling of being wrapped in the strength of his powerful, well-muscled arms. I especially missed our lovemaking, and the profound sense of complete comfort and relaxation afterward.

More than anything, I’d missed the way Holden made me
feel
, which was special, and cherished, and cared-for. I wasn’t sure any other man could ever make me feel quite the same, and in fact, I highly, highly doubted it.

Holden continued looking out at the gently rolling ocean, still not looking at me, and a long moment or two passed before I spoke.

“Will you talk to me? Please?”

He hesitated in responding, only setting his coffee mug down and finally looking at me after another long moment or two had passed. His words seemed to come out through gritted teeth.

“Yes, I’ll talk to you, but briefly. I have just one thing to say.”

*

The way Holden had spoken with his jaw clenched filled me with dread. I should have been glad that he’d agreed to talk to me, but I wasn’t, because I was afraid that the “one thing” he had to say to me was that he never wanted to speak to me again.

Wanting to test the waters before he said whatever he had to say, I spoke in a near-squeak. “Can I sit down next to you?”

Jaw still clenched, he studied me for a second, frowning, before dumping the dregs of his coffee over the railing, away from us.

He then set the mug on a step, got up, and stood facing me, his large, long-fingered hands on his slim hips. “I don’t think we should sit close to each other.”

“Why not?”

He scoffed, though his stern expression appeared to soften just slightly. “Isn’t it obvious? I don’t want to get too close to you... physically. It’s too dangerous. If we sat next to each other, a simple touch, a brush against your skin... It could make me want to just...”

Trailing off with a sigh, he raked a hand through his hair. “It’s just best if we don’t tempt ourselves. No need to make things harder than they already are.”

The tiniest little bubble of hope rose in my heart. “So, you still care about me, then? And you’re still attracted to me?”

Holden scoffed for the second time. “Of course. On both counts.” Drawing his dark brows together, he looked deeply into my eyes for a moment. “But I just don’t know if I can ever be with you again, Haley. I have some thinking to do.”

“But how can you think with Hannah hanging all over you all the time?”

I hadn’t meant to say what I had. I’d been intending to stick to the plan that Cora and I had discussed, particularly the part of the plan to
not
mention Hannah. I cringed inwardly, cursing my big mouth. I was sure that what had just happened was  yet another example of me not pausing to think things through well enough, which I knew was, of course, part of the reservations Holden had about continuing a relationship with me.

However,
what was done was done, and what had been said had been said,
I told myself. All I could do now was try to salvage things. So, to that end, I opened my mouth to tell Holden to never mind that last comment, and that I didn’t mean to say it. Before I could even get the words out, he beat me to it and spoke in a low, almost apologetic-sounding voice.

“Hannah and I are friends, yes. We have a romantic history together; as I’m sure you’re aware. But that’s done now. Completely over.”

“But I saw the two of you holding hands yesterday.”

I just hadn’t been able to resist the comment. And now that the genie was out of the bottle, now that
he
was talking about Hannah, maybe there was no reason for me to have resisted anyway.

Holden sighed, his gaze going to the ocean and the slowly lightening sky briefly before settling back on my face. “If you saw Hannah and me holding hands yesterday, then maybe you also saw me pull my hand from hers within seconds. I did that, Haley, because I was uncomfortable, because I didn’t
want
to hold her hand. I don’t want any kind of physical contact with her, because I’m not interested in her on a romantic level anymore.”

“But what does
she
want?”

“Well, it doesn’t even matter what she wants, because I have no intention of giving her anything more than my casual friendship.”

“But what if she’s not satisfied with that? What if—”

“Look. I’m telling you that regardless of what Hannah wants, I have no intention of rekindling our romantic relationship. Ever. That’s all in the past, because years ago, I realized that she’s not the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, for various reasons. All I intend to do now is to be a friend to her, because I can sense that she needs one. She doesn’t seem to want to tell me all the details, but I can tell something painful might have happened to her in Clearwater, because she doesn’t have any interest in returning there. Maybe it was a breakup; I don’t know. At any rate, I’m glad to be a friend to her, because to be perfectly honest, I seem to need a friend myself these days. A purely platonic friend, that is.”

“Just how long do you think things will remain ‘purely platonic’ between the two of you? Yesterday it was her grabbing at your hand; what do you think the next thing she goes grabbing at will be?”

I couldn’t deny that I was feeling jealous, and incredibly so. I knew I was very close to crossing the line of sounding controlling, and spiteful, and immature, if I hadn’t already.  I was just having a hard time dialing it back.

Clearly irritated, Holden raked a hand through his hair. “I’m not discussing this anymore. I’ve told you that I have no intention of picking up any kind of a romantic relationship with Hannah. If she tries to pursue one, I’ll rebuff her each and every time. I’m not sure how I can make this any clearer. Still, you act as if you don’t trust me, which doesn’t surprise me at all, considering that that’s a large part of why we’re no longer a couple.

You couldn’t trust me to keep you safe, and you couldn’t trust me to eventually deal with the Forms myself, in a way that I thought was safest for the community. And now, you can’t trust me when I say that I have no romantic interest in Hannah, and that nothing is going to happen between us. The last time we spoke, you told me that you were committed to making a change, but clearly that wasn’t true.”

“It is, though, Holden. I
am
committed to making a change. I’m committed to learning to trust you. That’s what I came here to tell you. That, and that I... That I still love you.”

He winced slightly at the last words I’d spoken, as if hearing me say them had caused him a sharp stab of pain.

Suddenly, he turned from me and put a hand on the stair railing, as if he were soon going to head inside. “You have to leave, Haley. Right now. This conversation has gotten far from where I intended it to go.”

For him and me both.

Not wanting him to go inside, leaving things how they were, I took his shoulder from behind. “Please. Just wait. This conversation has gotten way off track for me, too. I just meant to tell you that I still love you and that I’m still committed to making a change and learning to trust you; that’s all.”

With his broad back turned to me, he snorted. “Well, considering all your suspicions about Hannah and me, you sure have a funny way of showing that.”

“But I never intended to even bring up her name. Like you said, this whole conversation just... It just unraveled somehow. Please believe me... I never meant for it to. And whether you believe me or not, I
am
still committed to learning to trust you. I
am
.”

Holden, whose whole body had seemed to stiffen under the touch of my hand on his shoulder, didn’t respond, and I continued, daring to step closer, pressing my body against the back of his. The next words I spoke came out of my mouth in a near-whisper, close to his ear.

“I love you, and I think that our relationship can be salvaged, and I think we have something worth fighting for. I think we have something special. You’re my—” Suddenly just the slightest bit misty for some reason, I paused briefly. “You’re my son of a freak, and I’m your little freak, remember? I just want to be your little freak again, Holden. Please.”

Looking at his handsome face in profile, I saw him cringe, as if I’d physically hurt him.

Almost instantly, he began climbing the porch steps, shaking my hand off in the process. “I need time. Time to be by myself and think. I need space.” Reaching the porch, he turned and looked at me. “That was the one and only thing I wanted to say to you today, and now I’ve said it, so we have nothing more to discuss. Please give me space. That’s all I ask.”

With that, he turned again, strode across the porch, and headed inside his cabin, leaving me at the bottom of the steps with tears in my eyes and a brilliant sunrise behind me. I walked back to my cabin sniffling, the bright, cheery pinks and oranges of the sky seeming to be making a mockery of how I was feeling.

***

Later that morning, while walking to my new jewelry studio with Amy and Cora, I saw Holden in bear form, leading his men into the jungle to do more work on filling in the lake. Seeing him as a powerful wild animal never failed to send a little thrill racing through me, and, despite my heartache, this time was no exception. The sun glinted on his razor-sharp claws and the thick black fur covering his massive body, and I watched him, riveted, as he picked up his pace to a run, with his men following close on his heels.

I didn’t turn away until they’d all completely disappeared into the densely clustered palms and tangled vines of the jungle. That was when I saw that someone else had been watching Holden in action in his bear form, too.

Hannah stood just a short distance from her cabin, at the border of the jungle.

With her glossy auburn hair cascading down her back in waves, she turned from the jungle and began walking around her cabin to the front, soon spotting Cora, Amy, and me and giving us a wave. “What a show, right? I could watch them in bear form all day. Particularly one of them.”

She continued striding over to where Amy, Cora, and I stood a little ways away, on the stretch of beach in front of the cabins.

We’d seen each other around the village, of course, but we’d never spoken or been formally introduced. Though now it seemed that was about to change, and I gritted my teeth, steeling myself for the inevitable confrontation.

CHAPTER 12

When she reached Amy, Cora, and me, Hannah extended a hand to me with a smile, though honestly, her smile might have been better described as a smirk.

“I’m Hannah. It’s wonderful to meet you, Haley.”

Reluctantly, I took her hand and gave it a feeble pump. “Likewise.”

She gave my hand a near-painfully hard squeeze before releasing it, looking directly into my eyes while still smirking. “So. What do we have going on today?”

She seemed to direct the question to Amy, Cora, and me as a group, and Cora answered first, with the tiniest little hint of an eye roll.

“
We
are going to work in Haley’s jewelry studio.”

Hannah shifted her gaze from Cora to me. “Oh, of course. I heard you have some kind of a little jewelry-making business, right?”

I didn’t like the tone she was taking with me, and I didn’t like her referring to my new business as “little” for some reason, despite the fact that my enterprise was indeed actually very small-scale, so far.  I only had a dozen pieces of jewelry finished, which I was hoping Holden would try to sell to a boutique the next time he was in New York City.

My long-term goal was to secure some kind of a contract or deal as a regular supplier to a particular store, much like everyone in the village did with the chocolate business. Working alongside me in the studio, Amy and Cora were hoping to do the exact same thing, but with making candles infused with various tropical scents. Once I really got started with my jewelry, the entrepreneurial bug hit us all pretty hard.

Before I could think of some snappy retort to issue in response to Hannah referring to my business as “little,” Amy jumped in and spoke in a voice positively dripping with ice. “That’s right, Haley does have her own business, but it’s not exactly ‘little.’ She has big plans for it, and Cora and I know she’s going to go far. We’ve even taken a cue from her and have started our own candle-making business recently.”

With her arms folded across her chest, Amy paused and took the smallest of steps closer to Hannah. “See, the three of us like to spend our time constructively, instead of just skulking around the village, chasing after other people’s men.”

Wide-eyed, Hannah scoffed theatrically, feigning ignorance and outrage. “I beg your pardon? I mean—” She shifted her gaze from Amy to me. “You’re not still with Holden are you? The two of you aren’t still a couple, right?”

Staring her down, I spoke a single word through clenched teeth. “No.”

“Well, that’s what I thought. I
thought
he dumped you. It was over something about how you completely went behind his back or something? Something having to do with the lake being blown up? Sounds like the two of you weren’t actually all that close. Sounds like you couldn’t even trust him, or he you. So, honestly, I didn’t think I’d be offending anybody by trying to rekindle my friendship with Holden. Please know, Haley, I’m very, very,
very
sorry if I did.”

A smirky little curl to her lip communicated the complete insincerity of her words. I’d never been violent with anyone in my entire life, but I wanted to slap her. Right across her impossibly beautiful face. I wanted to leave a bright red handprint on her flawless, creamy skin.

However, even in my anger, I managed to have the sense to realize that hauling off and slapping someone would just about be the height of immaturity and impulsiveness. Two things that Holden thought I had “problems with.”

I curled my hands into fists, willing them to remain at my sides. “Right, Hannah. I’m sure you’re just as sorry as can be.”

She actually stifled a laugh. “Oh, I
am
. I’m really incredibly sorry. I feel absolutely terrible. Though being around Holden lately is helping me to feel so much better. Especially since he’s been making moves to reconnect with me physically the past couple of days. That’s been making me feel a
lot
better. And I’m sure I’ll soon be feeling completely better, if you know what I mean, because I think we’re ‘almost there,’ if you get me.”

I practically spat the next words out of my mouth. “That’s a damned lie. Holden wouldn’t even hold your hand the other day. I saw it with my own eyes.”

With her green eyes throwing sparks from the sun, Hannah snorted. “Well, that was just because he knew we were near your cabin, and he didn’t want you to see and get all bent out of shape. That’s all. But away from your cabin, we do much more than just hold hands.”

Almost against my will, I instantly pictured her and Holden doing much more than just holding hands, and my heart began pounding in my ears so loudly that the sound of it drowned out the noise of the surf.

“All right.” Cora, who had been watching the whole scene silently, suddenly moved to stand between Hannah and me, glaring at Hannah. “Enough of your rudeness and lying. We’re going to be on our way now, and you’d better be on yours.”

Immediately, Cora grabbed my hand and began pulling me down the beach, away from Hannah. Amy followed us, telling me to just take deep breaths and not let Hannah get the better of me. Which was much easier said than done. My whole body tensed when I heard Hannah’s voice behind us.

“Have fun with your cute little hobby things, guys!”

Still walking, Cora glanced over her shoulder, narrowing her dark brown eyes. “Grow up! Get a life, too, while you’re at it!”

Stifled laughter was Hannah’s only response.

My breathing and heart rate only began to slow once Amy, Cora, and I reached the outbuilding where our workspace was located. With my legs a little shaky, I took a seat at my long, jewelry-making table, and Amy and Cora took seats across from me.

I looked at them both, willing my breathing to remain at a slower rate. “Honest answers. Do either of you think there’s any truth to what she was saying?”

Cora shook her head, giving her eyes a slight roll as she often did. “No. I really don’t. Hannah is just full of hot air. She always has been. She’s always been a drama queen who enjoys getting under people’s skin when she’s decided she doesn’t like someone, or when she’s decided that someone’s a threat to whatever current plan or scheme she’s trying to accomplish. That’s all she’s trying to do. She’s just trying to rattle you.

So, no, I don’t think there’s even the smallest bit of truth to what she was saying. Besides, didn’t you
just
tell Amy and me earlier this morning that during your talk with Holden, one of the things he said was that he has no intention whatsoever to get back together with Hannah? And that if she tries any moves on him that aren’t purely platonic, he’ll push her away every time?”

I
had
told them that.

“Yes, that’s what he said, but…”

I trailed off, not really knowing how to finish the thought.

Amy glanced at Cora before looking at me with an expression that somehow resembled one of reproach. “So, Holden is right. You
don’t
trust him.”

A little taken aback, I shrugged. “Well... Well, I guess not completely. I guess not yet. I mean... Well, we hadn’t been together very long before I blew up the lake, and then...” I trailed off once again, sighing. “I don’t know. I
am
committed to learning to trust him, which I’ve told him over and over. But I guess it’s just going to take time.”

Amy shook her head, making her short brown bob swing a bit. “It doesn’t have to.”

Curious, I looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I think you’re making it more complicated than it really is, and I think a lot of people do. See, I think many people think that trust in their mate is something that is just going to eventually wash over them, like some sort of an outside force that is just going to arrive someday. Really, I think trust in one’s mate is something that a person decides to have. That’s how it happened for me, at the beginning of my marriage.

Because I’d been deeply hurt by some things in the past, I was kind of like you—I kept telling myself that I was
working
on learning to trust Alex completely, and this is how things went on for maybe a year. Eventually, it became clear to Alex that while I was
working
on learning to trust him, I didn’t
actually
trust him fully, despite the fact that he was my husband, and despite the fact that he’d never given me a reason
not
to trust him.

This hurt him, probably just how your mistrust of Holden has hurt
him
. Especially since it seems that even though your relationship was still very new when everything with the Forms happened, Holden apparently had already decided to trust
you
, because if he hadn’t, you surely wouldn’t have been able to sneak off and do what you did the night of the clambake, because he would have been watching you like a hawk.”

I contemplated this with an ache in my chest.

After studying me briefly, Amy continued. “I didn’t tell myself I was going to
learn
to trust Alex; I told myself that I was
going
to trust him, right then, right there, from that moment forward, until he gave me a reason not to, which, fortunately, he never has. And once I made the decision that I was going to trust him fully, my trust in him has just grown stronger and stronger, because he hasn’t ever lied to me or broken my trust in him in any other way.”

Studying me again, she paused for a long moment. “All this isn’t to say that people should blindly trust every random stranger they meet, but once a relationship starts to deepen, it seems to me that a person can’t just wait for trust in their partner to just magically happen after however many weeks, months, or years. From my perspective, it seems like it has to be an active choice and a conscious decision, and I think this is what you could do to repair things with Holden.

Instead of telling yourself, and him, that you’re going to
learn
to trust him, you could just do it. You could just make the decision to trust him until he gives you a reason not to, which, just based on what a trustworthy leader he’s been in our community, I don’t think he’ll ever do.”

Cora glanced at Amy, then looked at me with the edges of her pink-lipsticked mouth twitching. “I think you should listen to her. For a little sister, she gives pretty good advice.”

Amy turned to look at Cora. “Just ‘pretty good’? When you and Conner had that big fight a few years ago, if I recall correctly, you told me that my advice ‘saved your marriage.’”

Cora snorted, though smiling. “Well, I might have been exaggerating just slightly, but okay... You give excellent advice. I’ll give you that.”

With her hazel eyes sparkling, Amy turned her gaze from Cora to me. “So, there you have it. I give excellent advice. And it’s up to you, of course, if you want to take it, but please at least consider it, because I think you and Holden could make a really amazing couple once the two of you get past all this. Hey... Here’s another piece of advice. If I were you, as annoying as she is, I might try to think of Hannah’s return to town as a blessing in disguise.

She has given you the perfect opportunity to prove to Holden that you trust him. If I were you, I’d just go on about my business... No more spying, no more binoculars, no more talking to him about Hannah—nothing. If you and Holden talk again soon, and if he any makes any comments or inquiries about why you suddenly don’t care about him and Hannah anymore, you can tell him that it’s because you trust him. Hopefully, you can mean it, if you
do
decide to make the decision to trust him. Make sense?”

I nodded, mulling things over, and Amy continued.

“Good. Now, please... Just try to enjoy the rest of your day, because Hannah is so not worth being upset about. Although I admit, it is hard
not
to be upset by her. I honestly wanted to slap her across the face out there on the beach. Just wanted to haul off and give her a good pop.”

I cracked a smile. “Glad to know I wasn’t the only one.”

Cora scoffed. “Shows what the two of
you
know. Hair pulling is much more effective in a catfight. That way, you take your opponent down to the ground and make them eat sand. Which is something I definitely had the urge to make Hannah do out there.”

The three of us were soon laughing and joking while Cora recalled a physical fight she and Amy had when they were preteens. The fight had been about a boy, and I asked which sister won him in the end.

Amy shrugged. “Well, neither of us. It turned out that this particular boy didn’t even like girls. So, I’d broken my toe kicking Cora right in the butt for nothing.”

I laughed, feeling better than I had in weeks, and my lighter mood continued all day, while the three of us worked in our shared studio, talking and joking frequently as we did our different projects.

Late in the afternoon, we decided to call it a day and went for a long swim, then took Amy’s daughter Emily to play with some other kids at a small playground behind the community school and childcare center. By the time I headed home to my cabin around seven in the evening, I’d managed to forget all about Hannah. Almost, anyway.