The Lightning-Struck Heart (39 page)

So he can return and be wed in a ceremony most gay.

Ohhhhhh!

Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!

And everything you need!

Listen as I sing a verse or six

Here in this land of sloth and greed!

“Whaaaaat the hell?” Ryan said.

“This is so much better than my dreams,” Gary said reverently.

But fear not, my lads and lasses,

For there are heroes to be told!

A wizardly man and a knight who sasses,

A unicorn, a giant, all who’re brave and bold!

They travel the lands on a desperate quest,

To save a love that’s bright and true,

With the sword of knight and the wizard’s best.

Sing with me now, you know what to do!

Ryan and I didn’t sing.

Everyone else did.

Including Tiggy and Gary. Those bastards.

Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!

And everything you need!

Listen as I sing a verse or six,

Here in this land of sloth and greed!

Our heroes have traveled far and wide.

The wizard was almost gay fairy married.

He’d have been the most beautiful forced bride,

But thankfully, he was saved by Gary.

“You fat sack of crap,” I growled at Gary. “That’s not even close to what happened!”

“Please,” Gary sniffed. “I was there. I have
eyes
. You would have been lost without me.”

They learned the secret of the dragon’s keep

Hidden deep in valley and made of stone.

And the knight turned a corner, and all maidens weep!

Because what feelings are these that have surely grown?

The tavern erupted into the chorus again while I glared at Gary with the strength of a thousand suns.

“Corners and stones again,” Ryan said. “Sure would be nice if someone would explain to me what’s going on.”

“Yes, Sam,” Gary said. “Wouldn’t that be nice? If someone explained? What was going on?”

“I’m trying to listen to the song,” I insisted.

From there they went to Mama’s den,

And behind closed doors, met with she.

In a house of whores and men,

No one is more fucked than me!

There in the house lives an elf,

A noble creature graced with dignity,

Who has set a goal for his own self

To relieve our wizard of his virginity!

More chorus.

“Gary,” I bit out. “You better hope you can run really fast, because I am going to light your whole body on fire.”

“I’m already flaming enough,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“At least they’re not singing about Todd and his damn ears,” Ryan muttered.

“Cheesy dicks!” Tiggy said. “Cheesy
dicks
.”

And alas, like most stories do,

We now approach the end.

Will our heroes return with something new?

Tales of a prince they chose to defend?

Of battles fought and dragon’s skin they did part.

Perhaps they’ll return with badges made of scars.

Or will they discover the war in their hearts,

As it is surely written upon these stars.

My skin buzzed.

Ryan said, “Sam,” in such a quiet voice.

Noise erupted around us.

Ohhhhhh!

Cheesy dicks and candlesticks!

And everything you need!

Listen as I sing a verse or six

Here in this land of sloth and greed!

The song ended to thunderous applause.

I
STOOD
at the bar, nursing a mug of ale, crisp and tart. A piano played a jaunty tune, people laughing and dancing into the night. I didn’t know where the others were. Probably around somewhere. I felt I was justified in ignoring them for a bit. Especially Gary. Mostly Gary. Pretty much all Gary.

If we weren’t best friends and he weren’t protected by law since he was a magical creature, I would have skinned him alive and made him into a nice area rug.

So, of course, he found me first and said, “You mad? You look mad.”

“Volcanic in my fury,” I replied evenly.

He sighed. “Well, maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but I think we can all agree that it was a good show.”

My hand tightened on the wooden mug. It cracked audibly.

“Yikes,” Gary said. “Definitely mad.”

“If I were a unicorn,” I told him, “there would be glitter
pouring
off me right now.”

“Unicorn rage,” he whispered, eyes wide.

“So much unicorn rage. Like, the ragiest unicorn rage ever.”

“Is that why you are getting drunk by yourself and glaring at the wall?”

“I am
not
getting drunk by myself and glaring—oh. Wait. I am. Yes. That is why.”

“Oh.” He put his nose against my ear and snuffled loudly. I grimaced. “I love you,” he said, his lips rubbing against my jaw.

“Gross. Stop it.”

“Can’t. Love you. Love you, boo. Love you so much. You my girl. Bitches before snitches.”

“Except you snitched to Zal the Magnificent.”

“I paid him for a performance piece. There’s a big difference.”

“You’re going to need stitches by the time I’m done with you.”

He snorted in my ear. “You’re adorable when you threaten me. Seriously.”

I snarled at him.

“Oops. I meant, oh no! Please, Sam! Don’t cut me! I’m so frightened. You’re sooo scary!”

“Damn right,” I said, knocking back more ale. Like a
man
.

“It
was
a pretty good song, though,” Gary said. He just couldn’t help himself.

“I’m going to invent a spell for penis rot and give it to you and you’re going to be all like, no, why did I do this to Sam? Why was I so mean? I should have been nicer and now my penis looks like an old-growth forest.”

“That was… descriptive.” He snuffled my face again.

“Go away.”

“And leave you to pout all by yourself? Never.”

“Don’t be a cunt, Gary.” I winced. “Okay, time out from the fighting. Can we all agree never to use that word? It’s awful and disrespectful and I don’t even know why I said it. I apologize profusely and beg your forgiveness.”

“Agreed,” Gary said. “I’ll speak for Tiggy, who is currently trying to get Knight Delicious Face to dance. And of course I forgive you.”

“Good. Rule four hundred ninety-eight of the Sam/Gary/Tiggy friendship is now in effect. No one can say… that word. Time in.” I huffed out an angry breath and looked back down at the bar. “Go the fuck away, Gary. You’re dead to me.”

“Whiny little git,” he mumbled, but he didn’t move. “Why the hell didn’t you say anything? We’re friends, Sam.”

“Not right now we’re not.”

“Shut up. I’m being serious right now.”

“Oh, as long as you’re
serious
.”

He reared his head back and narrowed his eyes. “You’re acting like a child. Knock it off.”

“You made a bard sing a song about Ryan and me called ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’” I reminded him.

His lips twitched. “Yes. Well. To be fair, I didn’t come up with the title. That was all on him.”

“You say that like it makes it better!”

“Doesn’t it? I certainly feel better.”

And as if the moment couldn’t get any worse, Zal stepped up to the bar, leaning on his elbows and cocking his head at Gary and me. Gary pulled away slightly and rested his chin on my shoulder. I thought about punching his mouth, but was able to hold back. Barely.

“You,” Zal said to me, “are a conundrum.”

“You,” I said to him, “are a dick.”

He grinned. “The things I do for money.”

“That’s what whores say. The only difference between you and them is they get fucked while you did the fucking.”

Zal’s gaze flickered to Gary. “Got a bit of a mouth on him, doesn’t he?”

“Wait until he gets
really
mad and starts with his nonsensical insults. That’s when you know you’re in trouble.”

“Hash brown snow packer,” I growled at him.

“Like that.” Gary sighed.

“I like the both of you,” Zal said.

“Joy,” I said. “Unbridled joy.”

“No, really. I do.” He laughed and shook his head. “When Gary came and told me what you’re doing for love, I was moved. Honestly.”

“For love?” I said, not squeaking at all. “What love? There’s no love!”

Zal shrugged. “You know. For the Knight Commander. And the Prince.”

Ow.
My feelings. “Oh. Right. Yes. That love. So much love there. Like… buckets. Of love. And that’s exactly why I’m doing this.” Well, that was a lie. “For their love.” Which was an abomination and a sin against the gods. “There’s nothing I’d rather be doing.” I would have rather been doing anything but. “Which is why I’m doing it.” I was ordered to by the King.

“Yeah,” Zal said. “That sounded… believable.” He glanced back at Gary. “You weren’t kidding, man.”

“Right?” Gary said. “Try living with it.”

“With what?” I asked. “Stop speaking in code. What are you talking about?”

“Grown-up things,” Gary said. “Shh.”

“I’ll show
you
grown-up.” I winced. “Okay, so that may not have been the best way to prove my point.”

“At least you’re pretty,” Gary said.

I blushed. “Oh hush, you.” Then, “Wait.
Hey
.”

“You’ve certainly got your work cut out for you,” Zal said to Gary.

“You should see them together,” Gary said. “It’s painful to watch.”

“Kid, can I give you some advice?” Zal asked.

“You just sang a song called ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’” I said. “I don’t know that you’re qualified to dispense advice to anyone.”

He waved a hand dismissively. “I’m a bard. I’m supposed to make up shit like that to keep people entertained. It’s sort of my job.”

“I wasn’t entertained. You should be fired.”

“Liar,” Zal said. “You’re going to be singing that song on your deathbed. I made it up in ten minutes. The last stanzas were ad-libbed. You were so impressed.”

Okay, I sort of was. But not that I had to tell him that.

“Cheesy dicks and candlesticks,” Gary whispered in my ear. I shoved his face away as he laughed.

“Still doesn’t explain
why
—”

“I don’t know much about the ways of wizards,” Zal said, looking down at his hands. “Or royalty or epic quests or magical beings and adventures to save princes from dragons. I know how to
tell
those stories, but I’ve never really lived them. I don’t know that I want to. There are those of us that run headlong and feetfirst into danger like it’s nothing. Then there’s those of us that stay behind and document what happens. Or, as I like to think of it, the sane ones.”

“Nothing difficult was ever won while staying sane,” I said.

He gave me a quiet smile. “Exactly.”

“Uh.”

“You know what I love?”

“I don’t. But you’re going to tell me, aren’t you?”

“Love,” he said.

“Gross.”

He ignored me. Dammit. He’d already found my weakness. “Love is an amazing thing. It can move armies. It can destroy people. It can cause even the mightiest of us to fall to our knees in supplication. It’s terrifying and wonderful, and if you let it, it can be the greatest thing in the world.”

I was almost in awe. I had to stop myself from sighing dreamily. “You sound like you speak from experience.”

He laughed. “Hardly. I fuck too many people to fall in love. Last night, I had an eleven-way with trapeze artists from a traveling circus. You wouldn’t believe how bendy they were. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much jizz in the space of three hours in my life.”

We stared at him.

He rolled his eyes. “Just because I don’t fall in love doesn’t mean I don’t believe in it. I just happen to believe in it more for other people than myself.”

“You’re my new hero,” Gary said. “I want to be you when I grow up.”

“But, but,” I sputtered. “You said things about love meaning being on your knees for armies!”

Zal arched an eyebrow. “Oh boy. I don’t know if that’s quite what I said.”

“An
eleven
-way?” I said, sounding scandalized. “That’s so many
arms
.”

“I bet you couldn’t even tell where one body ended and another began,” Gary breathed on me.

“All those writhing bodies,” Zal agreed.

“Nothing!” I said, because that made sense. “I just want a two-way!”

“Sam’s a virgin,” Gary said. “The only thing he’s writhed with is his hand.”

“Gary!”

“Truth in advertising,” he retorted.

“I don’t writhe,” I told Zal. “There’s no writhing. Where do everyone’s
feet
go in an eleven-way? Is there orgy etiquette for feet? Why haven’t I been told about this!”

“Some people like feet in their face,” Zal said. “Nothing wrong with a little tongue to toe action.”

“I don’t want my feet sucked,” I told Gary. “I am not into feet sucking.”

“You don’t even know,” Gary said. “It’s never happened to you yet.”

I frowned down at my feet. I tried to imagine someone licking my toes and I cringed a bit. Then I thought of
Ryan
doing it and—

“Oh no,” I whispered. “I have
kinks
.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” Zal said. “Kinks are wonderful if they’re carefully and consensually explored. Why, last night I discovered I had a kink for eleven-ways.” He wiggled his fingers over our shoulders in a slinky wave. Gary and I turned around to see a group of men and women, all with long blond hair, pale skin, and bright eyes, drinking in a corner. They all waved back and half of them giggled.