The Lightning-Struck Heart (36 page)

“You pulled down your pants in the middle of the road?” Randall said through the stone after the travelers had departed. “Gods, Sam. Have you no
shame
? You represent Morgan and the King!”

“But… you just… you were naked all the time!”

“I am not a King’s Wizard,” he said. “Have a modicum of
tact
, Sam. You are on a quest to save the Prince of Verania from the clutches of a mighty dragon and you’re taking off your pants in broad daylight out in public? I always knew you were going to be trouble. Even before you gave me a phallus for a nose.”

Ryan said, “You did what?”

“You are never going to let me forget that, are you?” I sighed.

“I had to
officiate
a
wedding
the next day!”

Ryan said, “No, seriously. You did
what
?”

I shrugged. “The first time I met him, I accidentally turned his nose into a penis. I was young and thought about dick a lot.”

Ryan almost fell down. For no apparent reason. He wasn’t even
walking
.

I arched an eyebrow at him. “You okay?”

“I just…,” Ryan started. “I don’t….
Sam
.”

“That pretty much sums up how we all feel about Sam,” Gary said. “Fond with strong overtures of horror.”

I grinned at Ryan. “You’re fond of me.”

He started coughing violently.

“Fond,” Gary said to Tiggy.

“
Fond
,” Tiggy repeated.

“What?” I asked.

They both sighed.

“Randall,” Gary said. “Isn’t it a requirement for all wizards to be at least slightly self-aware?”

“One would hope so,” Randall said. “A wizard must be familiar with his surroundings at all times and able to pick up on all the subtle nuances from the people and/or creatures he associates with.”

“Subtle nuances,” Gary said.

“
Subtle
,” Tiggy said.

I scowled at the both of them. “You guys are being ridiculous.”

“Why did you summon me?” Randall asked. “You know I’m very busy.”

“Uh. You summoned us?”

“I did?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Well, then. It must have been important. Where are you?”

“A few days outside of Meridian City,” I said. “Headed for Tarker Mills.”

“And what did you find in Old Clearing?”

I hesitated. Then, “Nothing pertaining to the dragon.”

Randall was silent for a moment. Randall silences were not good silences in that they were calculating. I could hear the gears whirring in his head as he picked up on my evasiveness. But he surprised me when he said, “Well that’s good news, at least. It means the dragon’s territory isn’t as far-reaching as we thought it would be.”

Gary looked at me oddly, and I knew we’d be having words later.

“Good news,” I echoed.

“And how long until you get to Tarker Mills?”

“Three weeks or so. A little less if we’re lucky.”

“Luck always seems to be around you, doesn’t it?”

“It does?”

He chuckled, though he didn’t sound amused. It was a dry, raspy thing that grated in my ears. “You’re alive, aren’t you? That’s more than I would have thought when I first met you.”

“That’s… comforting,” I said.

“Is it? Wasn’t meant to be. Simple recitation of fact.”

“Always a pleasure, Randall.”

“I wouldn’t go
that
far. I thought there was a good chance you would have blown yourself up by the time you turned fifteen.”

“I almost did,” I said. “Several times.”

“I still remember the day when Morgan told me about you. It was the day I first got an ulcer.”

“Do you still keep in touch with the couple you wedded?” I asked him innocently. “I bet they look back on their ceremony fondly. Or was that question too nosy?”

“Did you just make a pun about giving him a dick nose?” Ryan asked me, sounding amused.

“Gods,” Gary muttered. “This is so gross to watch.”

“What is?” Tiggy asked.

“Tell you later,” Gary said.

“I do, in fact,” Randall said stiffly. “It took years for them to be able to look upon me without horror, but we’ve managed. It helps that they think the person responsible was lashed with a whip thirty times and then dropped in the middle of the Dark Woods dressed only in undergarments and covered in honey.”

“And why honey?” I asked, despite myself.

“To attract bears,” he said.

“That’s elaborate.”

“Revenge fantasies typically are.”

“You had fantasies about me? Randall. Control yourself. I was barely a teenager, you old minx.”

“Knight Commander,” Randall said.

“Yes?”

“I order you to draw your sword and stab Sam of Wilds. Anywhere will do, though I would prefer it in the face.”

“You seem like the type to prefer it in the face,” I muttered.

“What was that?” he asked sharply.

“Nothing.” I glared at Ryan as he reached for his sword. “And just what do you think you’re doing?”

He looked confused. “Sam. It’s
Randall
. He’s
legendary
.”

“And so you’re going to stab me?”

“No,” he said, but what he really meant was
maybe
.

“If you try and stab me, I’ll turn you to stone again,” I said.

“Again?” Gary, Tiggy, and Randall all said.

“Long story,” I said, eyeing Ryan until he dropped his hand from his sword.

“They have stories,” Gary whispered to Tiggy.

“
Long
stories,” Tiggy whispered back.

I was about to curse them both when Randall said, “Morgan thinks you’re keeping something from him.”

“Goddammit,” I muttered.

“So you are.”

“Wizards have secrets.”

“You’re not a wizard yet,” he reminded me.

“Oooh,” Tiggy and Gary said.

“People have secrets,” I corrected myself.

“They do. But not apprentices. Especially not to their elders.”

“No secrets,” I said.
So many secrets.

“Sam.”

“Randall.”

“You know I’ll get it out of you once you get here, don’t you?”

“You can sure as hell try.”

He sighed and then proceeded to say the worst possible thing he could. “Look. If it has to do with this whole cornerstone business, I understand. I do. Probably more than you could ever know. It’s hard when the person you want can’t be the cornerstone you need.”

Everything fired at once in my brain and I was left gaping at the crystal, trying to say something,
anything
to get him to shut up and not say another godsdamn word because
Ryan was standing right there
, looking at me like he had a
billion
questions and I didn’t know how I was going to answer a
single
one. Then I remembered that neither Gary or Tiggy knew who my cornerstone was and thoughts
did
flood in, and they were all
fury
and
rage
, and how many ways I could turn Randall’s nose back into a dick so I could castrate him twice.

So to make the situation better, I opened my mouth and said, “Uhhh,” like a
boss
.

Gary narrowed his eyes at me.

Tiggy looked surprised.

Ryan was confused.

“Oops,” Randall said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest.

“Your
what
?” Gary asked dangerously.

“You know?” Tiggy said.

“What the hell is a cornerstone?” Ryan asked.

“Oh no!” I said loudly. “It’s getting late. We really should get moving. Long distance to travel. Princes to save. Dragons to vanquish. Much too late to waste time talking about nonsensical things that have no bearing on our current situation.”

“Like that’s ever stopped you,” Randall said.

“You’re not wearing a watch,” Gary pointed out helpfully.

“I can tell by the sun,” I said through gritted teeth.

“It not noon yet,” Tiggy said.

“He’s just feeling bashful,” Randall said.

I was going to turn all his appendages into penises so I could castrate him multiple times. There would be so much castration, everyone who saw would be like, dude, that’s probably a bit excessive with how much you’re castrating him. And I would turn and say
it will
never
be enough
. “Wonderful, Randall,” I said, even though it came out a bit more murderous than I had intended. In fact, everything about me seemed to scream murder right at that moment, if the looks on everyone’s faces said anything about it. “This conversation has been most illuminating. I’ll be sure to properly thank you upon my arrival to Castle Freesias.”

“That sounded like a threat,” Randall said. He didn’t sound intimidated in the slightest.

“Why would I threaten you?” I asked. “I’m only an apprentice, after all.”

“Would you look at that!” Randall said. “How did that tunnel get here that I have no choice but to walk into? I’m about to lose you on the summoning crystal. Very shoddy connection. It’s… getting… harder… can’t… hear….”

The crystal went dark.

“He just hung up on you again, didn’t he?” Gary asked.

“Yes. Okay! Time to go. We have twenty minutes to make up. I think we should do sprints. Silent sprints with no talking because that would be difficult.” I hated the words as soon as they came out of my mouth because I’d just voluntarily suggested running. Running was stupid and it did nothing to make a person healthier. It was boring and lame and I wanted to do so much running right now. As fast as I could.

“You hate running,” Gary said.

And I hated unicorns, but I didn’t say anything about
that
now, did I? “Turning over a new leaf.”

“Oh? Was it laying on your leaf bed of
lies
?” he asked.

“That… that didn’t even make sense.”

“It sounded better in my head,” he admitted. “Like, devastating, even. I honestly expected tears from all the devastation.”

“I’m not devastated.”

“I’ll think of something later,” he said. “You’ll be gutted emotionally and you’ll cry and I shall emerge victorious.”

“The fact you are going to actively spend time thinking of ways to make me cry really concerns me.”

“It’s not that hard. You cry at everything.”

“I do
not
.”

“Puppies in the slums with no one to give them food,” he said. “And they have really big eyes and all they want to do is go home with you but you can’t carry them because you lost your arms in a factory accident when you were fifteen.”

My eyes burned as I said, “You monster. And that was surprisingly detailed. The no-arms thing? Masterstroke.”

“What the hell was Randall talking about?” Ryan asked, ignoring our obviously important conversation. “And why is everyone pissed off at Sam?”

“That’s nothing new,” I said. “People are usually pissed off at me. And Randall is a crazy old man who lost his mind decades ago. Just drones and drools, that’s all he does. You can’t believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.”

“What’s a cornerstone, then?” he asked.

“Babble and crazy talk,” I said quickly before Tiggy and Gary could cut in. “It’s an old wizarding legend. Has nothing to do with anything. I don’t even know why he brought it up.”

“What’s the legend?”

I shrugged, trying to remain calm and cool and collected, but I almost hit myself in the face with my own shoulder. “Just a magical foundation thing. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. We should go.”

“No. Fucking.
Way
,” Gary breathed.

Oh shit.

I glared at him, trying to relay the urgent message of
shut up! shut up!
with my eyebrows.

But he wasn’t even looking at me. He was staring at Ryan with this newfound appreciation, like he was the most wonderful thing that had ever been created. It took Tiggy a moment to catch on, but then his big eyes got even bigger and he started breathing slightly funny.

“Uh, what?” Ryan asked, looking at them warily.

Gary leaned closer to him, stretching out his neck until his face was inches from Ryan’s own. Their noses almost touched. Ryan, gods bless him, didn’t jerk back. Gary started breathing heavily in Ryan’s face and I had no fucking clue what was going on.

“I like you,” Gary finally said in a low voice.

“Thank you? I thought you already did.”

“No. Like, I
really
like you. Before, I was just pretending. I actually think I almost despised you. But now I don’t.”

“You almost despised me.”

“Almost.”

“And now you don’t.”

“Now I don’t.”

“Because….”

Gary breathed more on his face, nostrils flaring. Then (finally), “Unicorns are fickle creatures. I don’t need a reason to change my mind. It’s been done and you should just accept it and be thankful I no longer plot to murder you in your sleep.”

“Testify,” Tiggy said.

“So now you have affection for me,” Ryan said, “and you—”

“I didn’t say affection. I said I liked you, not that I’m ready to pick out curtains. Gods. Calm the fuck down. You’re engaged to be married. I will not be your dirty little secret. I am a strong, independent unicorn, and I will not take your shit.”

“—and you came to this sudden realization after listening to what are supposed to be the ranting and ravings of an ancient wizard. Not to mention things were discussed in said ranting and ravings that have made all of you strangely cagey—well, more than normal—and less than willing to answer a simple question.”

Gary inched even closer. Their noses pressed together. Ryan was going slightly cross-eyed trying to keep his gaze locked with Gary’s. “That sounds about right,” Gary said, never blinking.

Ryan flinched and pulled away as Gary let out a particularly loud breath of air.

“I win!” Gary crowed. “Unicorn one, supposed Knight Commander zero!”

Tiggy held out his fist. Gary bumped it with his hoof.

“Are you guys done?” I asked.

“Sam?” Ryan asked.

I averted my eyes, finding something interesting to stare at on the horizon. “What?”