The Lightning-Struck Heart (57 page)

“Did you guys get high?” I asked them. “Like, super freaking high?”

Gary began to cry in earnest as Kevin rumbled low and licked the side of my face.

“Tiggy!” I yelled. “Help me! They’ve gone crazy. Save me!”

Tiggy looked conflicted as Gary sobbed in my ear and Kevin stroked his back and murmured soothing things to him. “We sad?” Tiggy asked.

“No—”

“
Yes
,” Gary wailed. “Sam is growing up and he’s going to move out and have orgies and do drugs and
it’ll be all my fault
.”

Then Tiggy started crying and hugging me, begging me not to have orgies and do drugs. “No, Sam,” he said, wiping his face on mine. “No mushrooms and gang bangs.”

People on the Old Road gave us a wide berth as they passed us by, no matter how much I pleaded with them to rescue me.

The twenty-third
morning
.

I
WAS
a good distance into the Dark Woods, trying to find a spot to take a leak where I wouldn’t be able to hear Gary and Kevin talking about how they were planning on adopting at least four Pomeranians. I thought I’d found the perfect tree and was giving good consideration to potentially rubbing one out after I pissed, when it happened.

“A
ha
,” the Dark wizard shouted as he jumped out from behind the tree. “I bet you weren’t expecting to see
me
.”

“Um,” I said. “I don’t know who you are.” There went
that
erection. Gods. Was it too much to ask for a little Sam time?

The Dark looked slightly offended. “Seriously?”

“Sorry,” I said. “You all look the same to me.”

“Rude,” he said. “That’s racist.”

“Um. No, it’s not. You and are I are the same race. If you were to ride a unicorn, that’s racism.”

“How is that racist?” he asked.

“Because it’s mean,” I explained.

“But that’s not even the basis for—” He cut himself off and took a deep breath. “You know what? No. I’ve heard about you. You start talking and everyone gets confused and people start wanting to have sex with you and get turned into deck chairs.”

I sighed. “It was supposed to be lawn chairs. And I think the stories about me are greatly exaggerated.”

“So did you or did you not take down four of my brothers in the City of Lockes?”

“Oh. Well. That part was true.”

“And did you or did you not send a pack of fire geckos after two more of my brothers?”

“Yeah. That was me.”

“And did you or did you not kill Lartin the Dark Leaf?”

“No,” I said. “I didn’t.”

“What?” he said.

“I didn’t kill him.”

“You did,” he insisted.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then who did?”

“My half-giant best friend.”

“Oh,” he said. “Well, same difference.”

“Sort of, I guess.”

“My name is—”

“Don’t care,” I said.

He glared at me. “Don’t be rude.”

I sighed. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

“My name is Wan the Dark Hunter,” he said, squaring his shoulders.

I waited.

He looked at me, clearly expecting a reaction.

I waited some more.

“So,” he said, “that name should have inspired fear in you. You don’t look very fearful.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know who you are.” And I didn’t. I’d never seen him before or heard his name. I thought he was probably a few years older than me. He was handsome, in a devilish way, his dark goatee trimmed perfectly, nary a hair out of place. He had tattoos on his arms and I recognized Dark marks, signifying he was at a higher level than the other Darks I’d faced. That was okay with me.

“Seriously?” he said. “Never heard of me?”

“Nope.”

“That sucks,” he said. “I thought I was really making a name for myself.”

“Eh. What can you do?”

Wan rolled his eyes. “Of course you say it like that. Everyone knows who
you
are.”

“That’s not my fault,” I said. “My mom says it’s my face.”

“What does that mean?”

“I guess I just have one of those faces.”

“So you’re saying that my face isn’t good enough?”

“No,” I said. “You’re really cute.” And he was. Too bad he was evil.

He flushed. “Shut up. No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are. I like your goatee. It’s very… trimmed.”

“Thanks,” he said, preening a bit. “I grew it myself.” Then he winced. “Wow, that sounded awkward.”

“It was pretty awkward,” I agreed. “Adorable, though.”

“Well. This has been just lovely. Maybe we could….” He closed his eyes. Took a breath. Opened his eyes again. “How in the fuck do you
do
that?”

“Yeah. I don’t really know. Weird, right?”

“People fear me,” he said.

“I don’t.”

“Most do.”

“Oh,” I said. “That’s cool. So, like, are you going to monologue?”

His eyes narrowed. “Monologue.”

“Villains tend to broadcast their plans and reasons when they capture me.”

“I haven’t captured you yet.”

“Fair point,” I said. “Are you going to try?”

“Lartin was my friend,” he said, fingers twitching. I could feel his magic gathering.

“Really?” I said, arching an eyebrow. “That guy, man. What was his deal? All you Darks seemed to be all up in his shit.”

“He was nice but he liked to hug for too long before his hands started to wander,” Wan said. “He was one of the first Darks. His father didn’t—”

“Oh no!”

“What?”

“I just realized I don’t care. Are you done yet? You said you weren’t going to monologue.”

“I’m
not
.”

“It’s still monologuing when you do it on someone else’s behalf,” I explained.

“How has no one killed you yet?” he asked, sounding incredulous. “I’ve only known you for five minutes and I want to murder you.”

“Rude,” I said. “Don’t lie. You want some of this.”

He flushed again.

“Ha,” I said. “No thanks.”

“Honestly,” he said. “All you do is talk. I don’t see what the big deal is. You may not know me, but I’ve got the backing of the Dark wizards of the Dark Woods. Those that know me fear my name. I am a hunter, and you are the hunted. Your head will be mine.”

“I am a hunter and you are the hunted,” I mocked. “Gods. That was just awful.”

“Hey!” Wan said. “That’s rude. I worked hard on that.”

“Well, yeah. But it’s so cliché.”

“You don’t mess with classics, I guess.”

“The Darks, right?” I said. “That’s what you have?”

“Yes,” he said, eyes flashing.

“Guess what I have,” I said, smiling at him.

“What?”

“A dragon,” I snapped and said, “
Kevin
!
Now
!”

I grinned and prepared for my friends (who were obviously listening in and waiting for me to give an awesome new catchphrase that I did like a
boss
) to burst through the trees and stand united against the Dark. Kevin would roar and fire would burst from between his teeth. Tiggy would smash his fists together and Gary would be shining in so much fucking glitter. It was going to be awesome.

And so, of course, nothing happened.

Wan looked at me warily. “What?”

“Sorry,” I said. “Probably just a delay. Give it a minute.”

We gave it a minute. Still nothing.

“Let’s try it again,” I suggested.

“Try what?”

“The whole
I have a dragon
thing,” I said. “It’ll work this time.”

“You have a dragon,” Wan said, sounding dubious.

“Yeah,” I said. “Well, sort of. I think he’s trying to be my dad now, which is weird.”

“What?”

“I know, right?” I looked over my shoulder. Absolutely nothing. “So, blah, blah, blah. Guess what I have.
A DRAGON
!”

My voice echoed in the trees.

Nothing.

“For real?” I muttered. “Gods. Those assholes.” I looked back at Wan. “Hold on just a second, okay? If he doesn’t come, we can duel to the death or whatever.”

“You’re so weird,” he said.

I grinned. “Thanks.” Then, “
KEVIN
!”

“Yeah?” he finally called back through the trees.

“Can you come here, please?”

“Kind of busy, buddy.”

“I’m not your
buddy
because you
aren’t even my real dad
!”

“Sam,” Gary called out. “That was mean. Say you’re sorry.”

“No!”

“Don’t make me come over there,” Gary warned.

“Gary, it’s fine,” Kevin said. “He just needs time to adjust.”

“Sorry about this,” I told Wan. “They have been in a monogamous relationship for nine days and apparently, two magical creatures together like that suddenly start acting like lesbian albatrosses and mate for life or something.”

“Lesbian albatrosses,” Wan repeated.

“You know, the birds? Notorious for monogamy and life partners. Like lesbians. I don’t know. My life, right?”

Wan said, “How are you even a real person?”

I shrugged and said, “My parents boned and then I came out. How is anyone a real person? Boning.
KEVIN, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE
.”

“Gods,” I heard Gary complain loudly. “It’s like puberty with him all over again.”

“We’ll get through it,” Kevin rumbled, and I
finally
heard them start moving into the woods. “He can’t be a dick to us for long. I’ll tan his hide and maybe suck on his cock a little.”

“So gross,” I muttered. I looked up at Wan. “Don’t listen to him. He’s not my dad and he doesn’t blow me.”

“I don’t even know what to think,” Wan said.

I sighed. “I get that a lot. Okay, get ready.”

“For what?”

“The whole catchphrase and awesome entrance thing. I’m not going to waste it just because Kevin is an asshole.”

“I heard that!”

“You were meant to,” I called back.

“Why is the ground shaking?” Wan asked. “And why does it sound like trees are breaking?”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Just be ready to do your line.”

“I think I’m going to go,” Wan said, eyes wide.

“Oh, come on,” I said. “Don’t be like that.”

“No, it’s okay,” he said. “I’m sorry I wasted your time. Please don’t hurt me.”

I rolled my eyes. “You Darks are a bunch of pussies,” I said, and he
snarled
at me.

“You really want to mess with the powers of the Dark?” he growled.

“Wow,” I said. “That was actually ominous and cool. I’m into this. Okay.” I popped my neck and took a stance. I glared at him, curling my lip. “You may be the Dark, but I am the apprentice to Morgan of Shadows. I am Sam of Wilds, and I will kick your fucking ass.” And then a breeze came and my clothes started
billowing
. It was
amazing
.

“I suppose we can do this,” Wan said, raising his hands.

“Yeah,” I said. “Well, I’ve got a
dragon
. Dammit! That didn’t sound right. What the fuck, Wan?
You had one job
. Heh. Or you had
wan
job. Awesome.”

Then Kevin, Gary, and Tiggy came up from behind me and Wan screamed in such a way that he totally lost all his goatee cool points. He turned and ran farther into the Dark Woods. I shook my head.

“What was that all about?” Gary asked.

“You guys need to work on your timing,” I said. “Never again. I had the perfect setup with a cool line and a whole lot of epicness going on with the billowing, and you all just killed it.”

I stalked away from them, muttering about how the help was never prepared when I needed them to be.

T
HE
TWENTY
-
FIFTH
day sucked because I missed Ryan something awful. Gary and Tiggy held me close as Kevin kept watch.

My heart was hurting.

T
HE
TWENTY
-
SIXTH
day I was angry.

T
HE
TWENTY
-
SIXTH
night, I was hurt
and
angry and made a really stupid decision.

T
HE
THIRTIETH
day found me back in Meridian City.

I left Gary, Tiggy, and Kevin on the outskirts. We’d passed through Old Clearing, and sure enough, the missing people had returned, telling stories of being kidnapped by a ruthless cult and fed more corn than they’d ever eaten in their lives. Of course, once they saw Kevin, they started shrieking, sure he was back to eat them this time. He assured them he would never do such a thing, that it went against his code (and his stomach), but this only proceeded to freak everyone out more, because dragons weren’t supposed to talk.

We left Old Clearing rather quickly after that.

Not a huge loss, really.

But I made sure we stopped in Meridian City. Gary had asked me if I was sure, as if he knew what my plan was. Instead of answering, I told him I wouldn’t be long.

“Sure,” he’d said sadly.

And that’s how I found myself once again standing in front of the Tilted Cross, Mama’s medallion in my hand, smiling quietly at the bouncer at the front. It wasn’t the same one as last time, but that was okay. He saw the medallion, nodded once, and opened the door for me.

There was a beautiful woman at the front desk, one that’d I’d never seen before. But she knew who I was from the way her eyes widened slightly before she smiled wickedly.

“Welcome to Mama’s,” she all but purred.

I said, “I need to see Moishe.”

The smile faded slightly. “Oh? Conversation?”

I cocked my head at her. “Services.”

“Hmm. I don’t know if he does that anymore.”

“He will if he knows it’s me.”

“Will he, now?”

“Magic has a taste,” I said, leaning closer to her. She shuddered slightly as my breath fell on her cheek. “Or so he says. He wants it on his tongue. And I aim to give it to him.”