The Lightning-Struck Heart (52 page)

BOOK: The Lightning-Struck Heart
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“You said he felt the same?”

“No,” I said. “The coercion forced him to say he was attracted to me. Nothing more. And it’s not like it matters. He swore an oath. To Justin.”

“What? What kind of oath?”

“One that they both agreed to for mutual benefit. It’s none of my business, anyway. Or any of ours. It’s between them. You know what a knight’s oath means. Especially when made in fealty to a king-in-waiting.” It meant that only Justin could release Ryan from his oath. And that was never going to happen.

“This fucking sucks,” Morgan said.

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “You sound way too much like me.”

“Well, it does.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s a good idea. Not traveling back with them.”

“Sure,” I said. “I have all the ideas.”

“I’ll get in touch with Randall.”

“He’s going to be pissed.”

“He’ll get over it. I want you to come straight home, Sam. No detours. No deviations.”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

“Sam.”

“Are we going to talk about the lightning thing?” I asked quickly. “Or….”

He sighed. “Lightning, Sam. Really?”

“Right? That’s what I said. While I was running for my life.”

“The Darks aren’t going to forget.”

“Eh. I can take them. Apparently.”

“You really shouldn’t.”

“It’s weird, though, right? They must be super pissed off if they keep following me. Was Lartin some kind of big to-do? I’d never heard of him before. Was he like their king or something? Can wizards
have
kings? Oh wait. Randall. Sort of. Oh gods. Did we kill the king of the Darks?”

Silence.

“Morgan!”

“Hush, I’m thinking about what to say.”

“You mean you’re trying to figure out what secret to keep.”

“He was important to the Darks, Sam. No official ranking. I guess it’s easiest to say that he was beloved, in his way. People had an affection for him, even if he was a bit out there.”

That… sort of made sense. “You mean like that special uncle that everyone just loves but is still kind of creepy because his touches last just a bit too long but he’s always really apologetic about it and then he brings you pie?”

Morgan sighed. “I don’t even know why I bother anymore.”

“You love me. Don’t front. Essentially, we killed someone popular.”

“Creepy popular. And not just killed. Obliterated.”

“Tiggy tends to get… protective.”

“Sam, the only way they could tell it was Lartin was because one of his fingers found embedded in the bedrock was wearing a ring with his signet on it. Let me repeat. Finger. Embedded. In rock.”

“Very protective, then. Maybe we could have gone about it a bit differently, sure, but it’s not like there is a bounty on my head or anything.”

Silence.

“There’s a bounty on my head, isn’t there?”


Finger
. In the
rock
.”

I grinned. “Okay. I’ll admit. This is a first. And I’m strangely thrilled by it. How much am I worth?”

“Yeah. About that. So. They’re not really offering
any
coin for it. Or gold. It’s more of a… for the sake of doing it. And the notoriety.”

“What? I’m not worth
anything
?”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Morgan said. “You’re worth plenty. To me. And your mom. And dad. And Gary and Tiggy. Just not to the people who want to kill you.”

“Not helping,” I growled. “Who gets a bounty on their head when there is no actual bounty?”

“You do, apparently. First I’ve ever heard of that happening. But then, you talk to dragons and get gay fairy married, so I try not to question things too much anymore.”

“Those weren’t my fault! First, I can’t help it if I attract the weirdoes. Second, I’m about to be attacked by angry cult members who are carrying scythes and torches.”

“You
are
a weirdo. And tell those angry cult members… wait.
What
?”

Farther down the road, cresting the hill into the valley, came the people of Tarker Mills, Eloise in the lead. She looked so badass with her hair billowing around her that I almost was able to admire her and forget the fact that most likely, she was coming to kill us all. For once, I’d like to have the wind blow just right and make my clothes billow around me and have someone say, “Dude. Look. That guy is so cool. I want to be him when I grow up.”

“Uh,” I said to Morgan. “I have to go.”

“When you get back, I am
never
letting you out again, do you hear me?” he said. “A cult. Sam, only
you
would stumble upon a cult.”

“You say that like it’s insulting.”

“It’s certainly not a compliment.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, they’ve gotten me over Firework Corn. I never want to see corn ever again.”

“Sam.”

“Yeah.”

“Stay safe.” And the crystal went dark.

“Gods,” I muttered. “I can’t even get the exit line. I don’t get the guy, my clothes don’t billow when I crest hills, I don’t even get the last word. What the fuck.”

I thought about taking a stand right then and there. I didn’t want to hurt any of them (except for maybe Eloise; I wanted to beat her in the face with corn) because they were under whatever “truth” they’d been fed that day. I didn’t want to underestimate her either. After all, she’d built an entire cult up in fifty-some-odd days, and that takes real dedication. That and the fact that she was probably batshit crazy. I was also still pissed off at her that she’d made me eat her hair. That shit is
not
hygienic.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I ran the opposite direction.

C
HAPTER
24

Upon These Stars

 

 

T
HEY
MUST
have heard me running gracefully (read: not gracefully at all), because when I rounded the corner to the keep, Ryan, Gary, and Tiggy were already moving forward. Ryan had his sword drawn again, and Gary and Tiggy looked ready to lay down some righteous fury.

“What the hell is happening?” Ryan demanded.

And yeah. Apparently working out should become part of my regimen because I was seriously out of breath. I held up a finger at them as I bent over, trying to catch my breath.

“Sam,” Gary said.

Gods, didn’t he understand the point of the
finger
?

I glared at him.

He rolled his eyes.

“He breathes a lot through his mouth,” Justin said, sounding disgusted. “I’ve noticed that.”

I wanted to tell him that I was going to shove some magic up his ass, but I couldn’t quite yet make the words come out.

“Why are you noticing his mouth?” Gary asked sweetly. “Aren’t you getting enough at home?”

Ryan scowled like a champ. I couldn’t even begin to guess who that scowl was meant for.

“Tiggy gonna smash some things,” Tiggy said. “Tiggy angry.”

“No, Tiggy,” Gary said. “Not things. You want to smash princes.”

Tiggy turned toward Justin, who had the decency to take a step back.

“Cult,” I finally managed to say. “Coming… to murder… our faces.”

“Well shit,” Gary said. “I told you we should have killed them all. But Knight Sanctimonious Face over there was all, like, ‘No, we can’t. We’re good and our hearts are pure and we must spare lives and watch as I pose with everything I do.’”

“I did not say that,” Ryan said. “And I
don’t
pose.”

I gulped up another breath. “You’re posing… right now.”

And he was, standing there, sword drawn, shoulders squared, chin held high, eyes on the horizon. And gods, he looked so fucking hot doing so. Like a douche, yes. But a hot douche.

“I told you we should have killed them,” Gary said.

“We can’t just
kill
people,” Ryan said.

“They were holding us prisoner.”

“That doesn’t make it right. Killing people never does.”

“Oh?” Gary asked. “What about Moishe?”

“I’ll kill him,” Ryan snarled. Then, “Uh. I mean. No way. What. Who?”

“Do I even want to know?” Justin asked, edging away from Tiggy, who was frowning at him.

“Elven whore,” Gary said. “Works for Sam’s fairy drag mother. Long story.”

“Funny,” Justin said. “You all seem to have a lot of those now.”

“I’ve got your long story right here,” Kevin said, curling his tail around Gary’s legs.

“Dude,” I said. “So not cool. Like, at all.”

“Hush,” Gary said, leaning into the dragon. “I think it’s endearing.”

“You’ve known him for two hours. He can’t yet be endearing.”

“It’s endearing,” Gary insisted as Kevin’s tail started to rub against his own. “And maybe slightly invasive.”

“You’re not getting to third base with my best friend while I’m watching,” I told Kevin.

“Why not, pretty?” Kevin purred. “The more the merrier, I always say. We can just go back into the keep and drink some wine and take off our clothes and just go for it, you know? Just
do
it. It’s just our bodies. Everyone’s got one. Sweaty, naked bodies that—”

“I am so uncomfortable right now,” Ryan said.

“Guys,” I said. “Cult. Coming to murder our faces. Priorities.”

“Why don’t you just use your magic?” Justin asked. “It shouldn’t be that hard.”

“Ungh,” Ryan said.

“It’s harder than you think,” Gary said, wide-eyed and innocent.

Justin grimaced at Ryan. “Did you just
drool
? Seriously, Ryan. I can’t take you anywhere. What the hell?”

“What?” Ryan said, wiping his mouth. “No. Of course not. That’d be weird.” His eyes were still glazed over as he looked down at my hands as if he expected me to cast a spell right in front of him. Instead, I was focusing on not getting an erection because apparently I had a kink for Ryan’s kink for my magic.

“I didn’t come this far to get murdered by a cult,” Justin said.

“Wow,” Gary said. “I didn’t think you went far at all. I thought we were the ones that did all the work to rescue you. Funny, that.”

“You’re kind of a bitch, aren’t you?” Justin said.


What
did you call me? Oh, Gary’s gonna bring the
pain
—”

“Shut up,” I snapped. “All of you. For fuck’s sake.”

Surprisingly, they all shut up.

“Wow,” I said. “I didn’t think that was going to work. Huh. I must be intimidating.”

“Like a butterfly,” Gary said.

I ignored him. “Kevin’s going to stop them.”

They all slowly turned to the dragon, who looked like he was trying to slip his nose under Gary’s tail. “Er,” he said. “What now?”

“You’re a god to them, dude,” I explained. “They built a cult around you. They’ll listen to you. Tell them to fuck off so we can get the hell out of here.”

“What’s in it for me?”

“Gary,” I said.

“I’ll do it,” he said promptly.

“Wait,” Gary said. “
What
?”

I rolled my eyes. “Like he’s going to not go with us now. You know he’s going to follow us home.”

“We’re in love,” Kevin announced quite loudly.

“No,” Gary said. “We’re in lust. There is a difference.”

“It’s love,” Kevin said. “You make me burn. Without you, I am nothing. I want to fellate you until you cry.”

Gary stared at him. “I might have gotten in over my head.”

“I shall protect you, my love,” Kevin said, pulling himself up to his full height. “You are the most important thing in the world to me, and since we will not be having an orgy with all your friends—wait. What was that?”

“I didn’t say anything,” Gary said.

“No?” Kevin said. “I swore I just heard you say you wanted to have an orgy with all your friends.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Oh. Well, as I was saying. Since we will not be having an orgy… right? Anyone. No one. Seriously? Not a single one of you? Ugh. Fine. Since there will be no orgy, I shall instead defend your honor. Because you’re my one and only.”

“I don’t believe you so much anymore,” Gary said. “Because of the orgy.”

“You have to act godlike,” I said. “Make it believable. Really sell it.”

Kevin cocked his head at me. “So, like I normally act?”

“What? No! The exact opposite of how you normally act. The furthest thing from how you normally act. Don’t even act like you normally do and you’ll be closer than you are right now.”

“Got it,” Kevin said. “Act like normal. Because I’m a god. Should I do an accent? That’s normal. Normal people have accents. Thees ees yer god spakin. Bow down ter meh.”

“We’re doomed,” I moaned.

“We really should do something about your pessimism,” Gary said. “Have a little faith, huh? I mean, just look at us.”

I looked at them. A hornless gay unicorn built out of rainbows and bitchiness. A half-giant who wanted to smash everything. A dragon who winked and flicked his tongue at me. A prince who I wanted to protect but also punch in the face. A knight I had a heart boner for.

“We’re doomed,” I moaned again. “Doooomed.”

“Dragon,” Gary said.

“Yes, light of my life?”

“I don’t want to die today. Nor do I want any of my friends to die today. And by friends, I mean Sam and Tiggy.”

“Hey,” Ryan said, sounding put out. “I thought we were friends.”

Gary turned to look at him with narrowed eyes. It was rather frightening. “You thought that, huh?”

“Gary,” I said.

“Fine,” he growled. “Justin and Ryan can’t die either. But they’re not my friends. Especially Justin. But mostly Ryan.”

“Ow,” Justin said flatly. “My heart.”

Ryan actually looked hurt by it.

“I shall protect you all,” Kevin said, puffing out his chest and raising his head. His eyes flashed and a lick of fire rolled out of his nose. “And then we should talk about that orgy.”

So we stood in a line, our backs to the keep, waiting for Eloise and the creepy people of Tarker Mills to descend upon us. Somehow, Ryan ended up next to me and kept trying to inch his way in front of me.

“What are you doing?” I whispered.

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