The Lightning-Struck Heart (54 page)

“No one else,” he said hoarsely. “Sam. You can’t. You can’t.”

“Why? I
have
to. I don’t have a
choice
. If I don’t, I am no better than the Darks. Except I am stronger than all of them put together. Do you know what would happen? Do you know what I could do? Ryan. I could destroy everything.”

“No,” he said. “There has to be another way. There will be. We’ll find it.
I’ll
find it.”

“There is no other way!” I shouted at him.

“There’s
always
another way,” he snapped. “You can’t just fucking give up.”

“I have to,” I said. “I have to give up on you. Because there is nothing left for me with you.”

“Sam,” he said, and gods, I hated how he said my name. Like I was everything to him. Like I was important. Like I was all he could ever want. “You can’t believe that. You don’t. Just… please. We can—”

“Then let’s go,” I said, taking a step toward him. Challenging him. Already knowing his answer. “Let’s go right now. Leave this behind. Break your oath. Break it and come with me and we’ll be everything together. Break it.”

“Sam,” he choked out, reaching for me in an aborted attempt. “You—I
can’t
. My word is my
honor
. I am a Knight of Verania and that is
all
I am. It’s all I have. I promised my mother that I would be something. And I
am
. She was all that I had for the longest time and I did this for her. I am
doing
this for her. She wouldn’t want…I can’t just—”

“
And what about me
?” I roared at him. “
Where the fuck do I fit in with your honor
?”

His fingers twitched and then he was cupping my face and saying
Sam
and
please
and
I want
in a fractured voice that I just could not handle. He said, “You don’t have to do this, okay? I promise. I promise. Come back with us. With me. Just… come with me. I’m selfish. I am. I don’t care. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I want you to come back with me and just be there with me. You’ve—okay. I know. I know. It sucks. It’s awful. But I’ll make it work, okay? I can do this. We’ll figure something out. Yes, there’s Justin, okay? And I gave him my fealty. But we can be—”

“Can you even hear what you’re saying?” I asked him, trying to pull my face away. “Can you even hear what you’re asking me to do?”

His grip tightened on my face, not hurting, but not soft, either. “I don’t know what else
to
do,” he said, sounding more miserable than I’d ever heard him before.

“Why?” I asked again, my eyes never leaving his. It felt quiet, this moment. And huge. My skin was too tight, and I was breaking apart underneath it. I
ached
and even before he spoke, I knew his words would shatter everything but there was nothing I could do to stop him. “Why are you even pushing this? Why do you care? What the fuck do you want from me?”

And he said, “Can’t you see? Sam.
Sam
. Gods. It’s—there. It’s
here
.” He grabbed my hand and held it over his chest. I could feel the rapid beat of his heart underneath my fingers. “It’s here. Ever since I first saw you, you’ve been with me. I couldn’t have forced you away if I tried. I’m sorry I made an oath. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that I can’t break it. But you have to believe me that it’s always been you. I promise. I promise.” His voice cracked and my hands shook. “I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is
nothing
I wish for more than you.”

I can’t be blamed, then.

I can’t be blamed for kissing him.

Because everything broke within me, and I was hollowed-out and empty.

So I kissed him.

I surged forward, and he exhaled into my mouth, a rush stronger than a sigh. I took it in as my eyes fluttered closed and as a day’s worth of his stubble scraped against my chin. I’ve kissed people before. A girl was my first, when I wasn’t sure who I was. Her name was Claire. A boy named Dougie on a dare. A castle guard named Craig when I turned eighteen and got drunk on my birthday. They were kind and sweet, but they were never like this. The tug of my lip as he worried it between his teeth. The slide of his tongue against mine, slick and warm, my heart ratcheting up in my chest. His thumbs on my cheek as he pulled away briefly, lips red and wet. Then he was on me again, pulling us together, our bodies aligning perfectly. The heat of him wormed its way through my clothes, and I might have whimpered quietly. But he swallowed it down, never letting it escape, a secret between us here in the dark, the stars shining down upon us. His breath was hot as he kissed his way up my jaw, the swipe of his tongue against my ear. My fingers curled against his chest, and he was all muscle as I breathed him in, woodsmoke and sweat and blood and we had to stop this. We had to stop before we couldn’t stop. I never wanted to. I never wanted it to end. Which is why it had to.

I said, “No,” my voice like gravel.

He brought his lips again to mine, his tongue insistent as it brushed my lips.

He pulled away, but only just, pressing his forehead against mine. Our eyes were opened, and we panted at each other, holding on tight. His eyes were blown wide, the pupils dilated until there was only a hint of color. His cheeks were blotchy, and his lips were spit-slick, and I thought savagely,
I did that
.
I did that to him
, and how my magic
sang
. It
sang
because I’d given it what it wanted most, tasting him, having him. For a brief, shining moment, I thought myself capable of anything. Everything. But it faded because I knew the truth. We’d carved out this little space just for him and me, but the moment we let go, the moment we stepped back, it would be over and we’d never have it again.

So I couldn’t be blamed, then. For holding on for just a little bit longer. For thinking this could be real, that it was just this easy. For wishing—wishing harder than I’d ever wished for anything before—that this moment would never end because I’d found someone made for me and I wanted to show Ryan why I was made for him.

He croaked, “Sam.”

“Yeah.”

“My word is my bond,” he said quietly. Desperately. Trying to get me to understand.

“I know.” Because I did.

“I would break it for you. I—”

“Would you?” I asked him. “Would you really?”

And he hesitated.

That was all the answer I needed. I didn’t blame him, not completely. I knew what oaths meant to knights. Especially when made to their kings and future kings. A knight who could not be trusted to honor his oath might as well not be a knight at all. I knew what was important to him. I didn’t blame him. I’d made my own oaths. My own promises. I understood.

And so I let him go.

He tried to hold on, tried to keep me from stepping away, but in the end, he couldn’t without hurting me. His hands trailed down my arms until he gripped my fingers and opened his mouth to say what, I don’t know. Because he closed it again and shook his head, tugging on my hands, trying to pull me back.

“We danced,” he said. “Three times the first time. If I’d known. If I could have known what—Sam. I don’t….”

“We’ll be okay,” I said. “One day. One day, this will all have faded. Everything we feel right now.”

“I don’t
want
it to fade,” he snapped at me.

“We don’t have a choice. I won’t be your secret. I won’t let you be mine.”

“It won’t be. He’ll understand. He’ll—”

“Ryan. Let me go.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “No. I won’t. You can’t make me. You can’t—”

“Ryan.”

“Fuck,” he said. “I wish—”

“I know.”

I pulled my hands away. He let them go this time.

I took a step back. And another. And another.

He never looked away.

Once there was enough space between us so that neither of us could reach out and touch the other, I said, “You’ll leave. In the morning. Take the Old Road back to the City of Lockes. Take what supplies you’ll need. There’s an extra rucksack. Don’t stop. Don’t delay. Don’t wait for us. Go home and be happy. You are a knight commander. You worked hard for it. Be proud, Ryan. You’ve earned it. You deserve it. Marry Justin. He cares about you and you care about him. That will be enough. For your oath.”

“What about you?” he asked, voice ragged.

I smiled, though I felt it tremble. “I’ll be okay. You’ll see. I’ll be okay. I’m Sam of Wilds. I’ll always be okay.”

I thought he was going to say more, to wear me down until I was begging him not to leave, to kiss me just one more time. To never let it stop.

But instead, he nodded. Curled his hands into fists at his sides. Exhaled heavily. His shoulders were tense, but it mattered not. In the starlight, he looked beautiful, and I felt like that little boy again, that fifteen-year-old boy who saw him for the first time and who understood by the stumbling of his heart that nothing would ever be the same again.

“Go,” I said. “Please. Go.”

And he did.

I looked up at the night sky as the sounds of his footsteps faded down the stone steps.

The stars shone brightly.

Stories from the Journey Home

T
HEY
LEFT
early the next morning.

I told them to be careful.

Justin scoffed and took Ryan’s hand in his.

Ryan nodded but didn’t look at me.

I wanted to tell him I didn’t regret a single thing.

But I didn’t.

I watched the road long after they’d disappeared.

“W
HY
DON
’
T
we just fly home?” Gary asked. “It’d only take a few days.”

“Humans don’t ride upon my back,” Kevin said. “It’s racist.”

Gary swooned.

“A
RE
YOU
sure?” I asked Kevin that first night after Justin and Ryan had left. We were at the top of the keep again. Gary and Tiggy were below us, looking through the books to see if there was anything of value that we could take. Mostly, it was explicitly detailed pornography, describing sexual acts that made even Gary blush. (“
Triple
penetration? My gods, your asshole would be like a cave entrance after that.”)

“About?” Kevin asked, tail twitching. His black scales looked luminous in the moonlight.

“Going with us.”

“Are you questioning a god?” he asked. “Spake der truth, hoominz.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, that doesn’t quite work on me.”

“Had to make sure. It was nice while it lasted.”

“And then you ate her.”

He grimaced. “Not my finest moment. But she was a threat and now she’s not, so I guess it worked out in the end. And eventually, she’ll work her way out of my end. Ironic, don’t you think?”

“Ugh,” I said.

“Indeed.”

“She was a threat to you?” I asked.

“Well, yes. And to you. And Gary. And Tiggy. Since we don’t like Ryan and Justin, we won’t count them.”

“You defended us,” I said, surprised.

“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked.

“Why
would
you? I’m a wizard. You hate wizards. You don’t even really
know
us.”

“Are you a good person?”

“Uh. I think so? Most of the time.”

“And Gary and Tiggy are good?”

“Yes. Better than me, for sure.”

“There you go,” he said, as if it were nothing.

“You’re very strange,” I said after a while.

“Dragons usually are,” he said.

“But.” I hesitated, unsure of my place. “You said that you’d never met any other dragons.”

“We’re giant lizards that fly and breathe fire,” he said. “That’s strange in itself. I’m just generalizing.”

“There are others, you know.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “Maybe one day I’ll meet them.”

“But not today?”

“Not today, pretty.”

It was nice, though my heart was breaking. It was nice sitting out in the spring night air where just twenty-four hours ago, I’d discovered what Ryan Foxheart tasted like, sweet and clean and warm. It was nice. All of this was nice.

“Why’d you come here?” I asked him.

“Because I could.”

“Where did you come from?”

“Far away.”

“What were you looking for?”

“A place to call my own.”

“Dragons are frustrating,” I said, because I could.

“Are they? You know many of them?”

“No. But if you’re anything to go by, it’s not that broad of a generalization.”

“I’ve seen things,” he said. “Many different things. There are lands far away from here that you couldn’t even possibly dream of. I’ve seen cliffs of ice so tall they disappear into the clouds. I’ve seen flowers deep in jungles that eat everything that happens by them. I’ve seen the hearts of men, the darkness that lies within. I’ve been captured by wizards who wanted nothing more than to spill my blood to make their spells. I’ve seen people cower in fear at the mere sight of me. I’ve seen a city that floats in the clouds and the beings that live there have translucent skin and cannot speak for they have no mouths. I’ve seen a volcano erupt during a lightning storm, ash in the sky as the mountain explodes. I’ve seen many things, pretty.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

He sighed. “I’ve seen many things. Both good and evil. Majestic and destructive. Stars falling from the sky and a man whose tattoos moved across his skin as if they were alive before he tried to rip one of my hearts from my chest. I have seen many, many things. But I have never seen one look at another the way the knight looks at you.”

I said, “Don’t.”

“Why?” he asked. “Because you don’t believe it or you don’t want to hear it?”

I said, “Just. Don’t.”

He looked up at the night sky, scales glittering. “Everything is so vast. It’s humbling to remember just how small we really are.”