The Lightning-Struck Heart (49 page)

“Whoa,” Ryan said. “And thank you. It is rather perky.”

“Hmmm,” Gary said.

“Gary,” Ryan said. “Buddy.”

“Hmmm.”

“
Gary
. You said we were friends! You said you
liked
me.”

“I say that about a lot of things. Like people. And ham.”

“Are you going to stop him?” Justin whispered to me.

“He’s a grown unicorn,” I said with a shrug. “He’s got this.” And I really didn’t think that Gary would allow Kevin to murder Ryan. Not really. Gary wasn’t
that
big of a jerk.

Kevin started rumbling deep in his chest.

Gary grinned.

I sighed. “Gary.”

“What?” The perfect picture of unicorn innocence.

“You know what.”

“Sam!” he exclaimed, eyes going wide as if he hadn’t been aware I’d been standing above him this whole time. That asshole. “Lovely to see you alive and well. And with the Prince, no less. I’m sure you two have had some… interesting things to discuss.”

“Gary,” I warned.

“Ugh. Fine. Dragon.”

The rumbles ceased instantly as Kevin turned back toward Gary. “Yes, my exquisiteness?”

“You don’t need to kill the Knight Commander.”

“As you wish.”

“Maybe maim him a little.”

“
Gary
.”

“Fine,” Gary muttered. “No maiming either.
Some
people just don’t know how to take a joke.”

“I do,” Kevin said. “All of your jokes. I’ll laugh at every single one because undoubtedly, your humor exceeds that of even court jesters. Might I fuck you later tonight?”

Gary coughed roughly. “That… um.”

“I’ll go slow,” Kevin said, as if that were the only issue at hand. “I’ll go so slow for you. Open you up until you’re wet enough to sit on my—”

“Sam!” Gary cried. “Look at that. That’s Sam. Our friend Sam. And the Prince! Hello, Prince! I am so glad to see your bright and shining face.”

“You are?” Justin asked, coolly amused. “That’s a first.”

“Whaaaa? No. Ha-ha! You and I go way back.”

“Do we?”

“We do.”

“Huh.”

“In fact, I think I should want to see both your faces up close. Tiggy, dear, won’t you escort me to the top of the keep?”

Tiggy grinned. “Tiggy don’t know what you just said. Sure.”

“Lovely,” Gary said. “Just lovely. And while we go up there, the dashing and immaculate Knight Commander here shall battle my fierce dragon to the death!”

“Your wish is my command,” Kevin said, bowing his head.

“
Gary
.”

“Okay, okay. Gods, Sam. No need to bring out scary eyes. Kevin. Yoo-hoo, Kevin!”

Kevin had already started rushing at Ryan, who was scrambling back a step or two, sword at the ready. “Yes, light of my life?”

“No killing,” Gary said, sounding as if he’d only known hardship his entire life.

“Or maiming,” I said.

“Or maiming,” Gary said, rolling his eyes. “Because Sam is a killjoy and we never get to have any fun at all. But if we’re going that direction, then Ryan can’t kill Kevin either.”

“Um,” Ryan said. “Then what’s the point?”

“No killing,” I told Ryan. “Kevin is nice. Sort of.”

“Thank you, pretty,” Kevin told me. “Though I wish you would use that mouth of yours less for talking and more for sucking my cock.”

“
What
?” Ryan growled.

“That was probably the wrong thing to say,” Gary said. “You mens have fun. Toodles!” He and Tiggy then took off at a brisk pace toward the keep, avoiding Kevin’s tail as it snapped from side to side. I heard Gary grunt as he pressed against the great doors, the metal grating against the stone.

“Ooh.” Gary’s voice carried up the stairs. “Look at all this
stuff
. If I marry him, Tiggy, then all of this will be
mine
.”

“Gary getting married?” Tiggy asked.

“Possibly,” Gary said. “I am a catch, after all. I’ve been proposed to on numerous occasions and—
oh my gods
,
look at the size of that emerald it’s bigger than my face
—I might as well get around to accepting one of these days. You can’t help when you fall in love with someone. It just hits you in the center of your chest and—
there is so much silk here that I just want to bathe in it forever and ever
—you can’t fight it. It’s not about how much stuff a person has, or how much gold he has to his name—
sixty-six sixty-seven sixty-eight oh my gods sixty-eight chests filled to the brim with gold
—it’s about love. That feeling that blooms inside and makes you unable to breathe without them in your arms. And I’ll tell you, Tiggy. I just might be in love. Is that a
diamond
? I thought that was a
chandelier
. Tiggy. I’m in love.”

“You’re judging me, aren’t you,” I asked Justin.

“Yes,” he said. “So much. Those are your friends.”

“No,” I corrected. “Those are your rescuers. Who your father sent. Obviously, a reflection upon you.”

Justin scowled.

Point for me.

Score: Justin, one. Sam, six billion.

Kevin and Ryan continued to circle each other below as Gary exclaimed over this and that as they slowly made their way up the staircase. I pretended not to want to glower at Justin and to keep from cheering at Ryan to slay the dragon like I belonged to his fan club or something.

And then I remembered I
did
belong to his fan club or something, and not only that, I had
admitted
to belonging to his fan club, only to have him say that he wanted to put his dick in my mouth and had fantasized about me since I was fifteen years old.

This, of course, led to thoughts unbecoming of someone in my current position. Namely, I was thinking about fucking Ryan Foxheart in the asshole while standing next to his fiancé while Ryan himself fought a dragon below us, all the while listening to Gary get closer and closer, talking about how true love was
real
it was a
tangible thing
, that he didn’t think he’d
ever feel this way and oh my fucking gods look at how many diamonds that crown has at least six and how many carats is that
?

So when Gary poked his head up through the hatch and said, “
There
you are,” I couldn’t be held responsible when the first words out of my mouth were, “I am
not
thinking about fucking him, I swear to gods because that is just
wrong
, so don’t even bring it up, okay, because shut up.”

Cue awkward silence.

“Um,” Gary said finally. “What?”

I said, “Oh. That was a quote. From a book I read.”

And because Gary couldn’t
not
be an asshole, he said, “Great, and what book was that?” even as Justin turned his full glare back on me because I was a lying liar who
lied
.

For the life of me, I couldn’t think of a title of a single actual book ever written, so I said, “
The Manticore and the Butler
.”

“Ah,” Gary said as Tiggy pushed him up through the hatch gently. “
The Manticore and the Butler
. Sounds riveting. Who is it by?”

I made sure my eyebrows expressed just how displeased I was at him. “Mervin Sondheim,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Mervin Sondheim,” Gary said. “You sure know a lot of Mervins. So. Tell me. What is the book about?”

“It’s a love story between a manticore and a butler. They love each other, but societal norms dictate they can’t be together.”

Gary’s lips twitched. “A lion with wings and human face and a butler sure sounds like it would cause disruption. How does it end?”

“They both die. Painful deaths. Involving many bad things.” I hoped it sounded like a threat.

“That doesn’t sound like a happy ending,” Justin said with a frown.

“It isn’t,” I told him. “But sometimes murder is inevitable. Right,
Gary
?”

He smiled sweetly at me. “If I was going to corner you and ask for you to write a review of
The Manticore and the Butler
and your words would be written in stone, how would you rate the book?”

“I’d give it five hearts,” I muttered, wondering what his insides would look like if they were on his outside.

“Out of?”

“Five.”

“Indeed. It sounds as if this novel left quite an impression on you. Tell me, what was that quote again?”

“Uh.”

“You said it with such alacrity not five minutes ago,” Gary said. “Surely it won’t be that hard to repeat it. Since you rated it… what was your rating system again?”

“Hearts.”

“That’s right. Five hearts. Because of reasons. The quote?”

I hoped my eyebrows were now broadcasting his imminent death at my hands. “Um. It was. I am not gonna fuck him because shut up it’s wrong. So. I love you, Nick the manticore.”

“Nick the manticore!” Gary crowed gleefully. “Oh my gods, I can’t believe you just
did
all that!”

“I don’t read books,” Tiggy said. “I like cats.”

Justin said, “I think the dragon is just playing with Ryan.”

We all looked over the edge of the keep.

Sure enough, Kevin kept circling Ryan, not allowing him to get a hit with his sword. He moved lightning quick for something his size, and I knew if this were a real fight, it’d be over rather quickly. For a moment, I thought that maybe I should do something to rescue him, but then I saw the way he ducked under a whip of Kevin’s tail, and I figured he was okay to be dashing and immaculate, at least for a little while.

“Face me like a man!” Ryan snapped as Kevin danced away.

“I am not a man,” Kevin reminded him. He flicked his claws against Ryan’s breastplate, knocking him over. Kevin looked up at us and said, “Did you see that, Gary? I did that for you!”

“Super,” Gary called back down. “You’re so neat.” Then, in a lower voice, “I’m going to have so many of your babies.”

“Oh gods,” I groaned. “Would you shut the fuck up?”

“It’s true love,” he insisted.

“If he hurt you, Tiggy gonna smash,” Tiggy said, petting Gary’s head.

“Of course you would, Tig,” Gary said. “You’re my big strong giant.”

“I’ll hurt him too,” I said.

Gary rolled his eyes. “No you won’t. Your magic won’t work on him.”

“And you can’t do shit with a sword,” Justin said.

I scowled at the both of them. Then, “Wait. How the fuck are you even here?”

“Tiggy,” Gary said. “The coercion bullshit wore off of him quicker than they thought it would, I guess. One minute I am randomly telling them about getting tied up by Octavio while they tried to teach me the Dragon Psalm that had ninety-six verses, and the next Tiggy is smashing their faces in and now we are here.”

“I feel like you’re leaving out large portions of the story. Like starting with the fact that Ryan was riding you.”

“Jealous?”

“Of Ryan,” I said quickly. “Oh, totally. Yep. That is the only reason I’m jealous. Because of that.”

“Riiight,” Gary said and we all winced when Ryan was thrown into a tree. He got back up slowly, picking up his sword from the dirt.

“You doing okay there, buddy?” I called down.

“Fine,” he said. “I’m a knight. I got this. You’ll see. We’ll have dragon meat for dinner.”

“Gross,” Gary said. “The only person who is going to be eating my future husband is me, and not in the way you’re thinking.”

“Nope,” I said. “Not even going to listen to you.”

Kevin, of course, puffed out his chest and attacked Ryan with gusto.

“What a weird day this has been,” Justin muttered.

“The King misses you,” I said quietly as Gary and Tiggy wandered away to inspect a chest of treasure on the opposite side of the keep.

Justin snorted. “I’m sure he does. Needs to have his successor in place.”

“That’s not it at all and you know it.”

“Because you know so much about
my
relationship with
my
father.”

“No,” I said. “Because I know your father. I know what kind of man he is. I know the look on his face when I woke after you were taken. He was heartbroken, Justin.”

His hands tightened into fists at his sides. “Only because you’d been hurt. It had nothing to do with me.”

“How can you say that?” I asked. “You are his son. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you. To make sure you got back safely. That’s why he sent us.”

Justin wouldn’t look at me. “I get why he sent Ryan. I don’t get why he sent you.”

“I’m your wizard. Of course he was going to send me.”

“My wizard,” he repeated.

“Apprentice, sure, but yeah, dude. Your wizard.”

“I distinctly remember you saying you weren’t going to be my wizard at all.”

I winced at that. “Yeah, well, you may have been coming at me with a sword and pissed me off. People say things when they’re angry that they don’t always mean.”

Justin said nothing.

“Look I know you don’t like me. I can’t really say that I like you all that much, either. But in the end, that doesn’t matter. We’re responsible for something greater than ourselves. One day, an entire kingdom is going to be under our watch. You will lead it, and I will be there to help you. We’re stuck together, okay? Family doesn’t let each other go, even when things suck.”

“You think we’re family,” he said flatly.

I tried to keep my anger in check. “Maybe like distant cousins.”

He snorted. “You don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?”

“Gods, you’re so fucking infuriating.”

“So I’ve been told once or twice.”

He turned toward me, mouth set in a thin line. I heard the angry yell from Ryan down somewhere below and Kevin’s answering roar. But I never took my eyes off Justin. There was a flash of green just outside of my vision, but I had to tell myself
no, no, no
. Because I could collapse this keep around him if I wanted to. Just a few well-placed thoughts here and there and a twitch of my fingers and he’d be covered in stone.