The Lightning-Struck Heart (44 page)

She frowned at me. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“I feel floaty,” Tiggy said, corn still stuck to his chin. “Floaty Tiggy say good-bye.”

“I would float away with you,” Gary told him. “You, me, and Sam can float away and maybe Ryan because I think I might actually be starting to like him. But don’t tell Ryan I said that, okay?”

“You like me?” Ryan asked, smiling bigger. “For sure now?”

“Tiggy,” Gary hissed. “I told you not to tell him.”

“Gary likes me,” Ryan told me. “And that’s good because I think I adore him. Whenever I see him, I want to smile.”

I ground my teeth together as hard as I possibly could to keep from opening my mouth, but there was this
compulsion
I couldn’t fight, so I blurted out, “I like you too! I like you
more
than Gary. There’s no contest. My like for you is legendary.”

“That’s true,” Gary said, eyes glazed just a tad. “I don’t think there’s anyone that likes you more than Sam. After all, you’re his corner—”

“It’s the truth,” I said, trying to fight against the weight of my tongue, the need within to spill everything. I shook my head and squeezed my hands into fists. I glared up at Eloise. “What did you do to us?”

“Coercion,” she said, the smile still on her face. “Truth. Mistletoe mixed with elven berries and fire from the geckos and the tongues from a chimera mixed into the corn. We only speak the truth here in Tarker Mills. We have no place for lies and deceit, Sam of Wilds. While you’re here, you’ll only speak in truth, and your magic won’t be able to touch us.”

The people of Tarker Mills nodded in agreement.

“You all take this?” I asked.

“Yes,” a man across from me said. “Every day, Eloise allows us to eat the truth so we may speak it at all times.”

“And let me guess,” I said. “Eloise doesn’t have to eat the truth herself.”

“She doesn’t have to,” a woman said. “She
is
the truth.”

I looked back at Eloise. “What are you?”

“What are
you
?” she asked.

“A wizard’s apprentice,” I said promptly and against my will. “Though I don’t know if I’ll ever become a full-fledged wizard. I don’t know if I have the strength.”

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

“And why is that?”

It was no use. “Because of what I am. Who I am supposed to be.” It poured out from me, and try as I might, I could do nothing to stop it. I tried to call on my magic, but it seemed to be so far away that it was inconsequential.

“And that is?”

“The most powerful wizard in an age,” I said, putting as much force behind my words as I could. It was rewarding to see Eloise’s eyes widen slightly. “I can do things that others can only dream about.”

“Ungh,” Ryan said. “That shit is so hot.”

Everyone turned to stare at him.

He was bright red. “I said that out loud, didn’t I? Dammit.”

“
What
?” I squeaked.

“When you do magic, it turns me on,” Ryan said, shaking his head frantically. “Ah gods. I can’t—stop. Just
stop
. Ahhh, I get erections when you cast spells. Oh
shit
.”

“Sweet molasses,” I managed to say.

“This… this is not what I thought was going to happen today,” Gary said.

“What you think happen?” Tiggy asked.

“I thought Ryan and Sam would continue to ignore how much they want to bone each other and we would all be suffering in silence because Sam won’t pull his head out of his ass to see that Ryan wants to eat said ass for dinner.”

“I do,” Ryan said through gritted teeth. “For breakfast, even. And lunch. And a midnight snack. Especially when you do magic.”

“You have a
magic
kink?” I said, because that was the
only
thing I could focus on.

“Yes. But only for you. Your magic gets me hard,” he said, looking like he wished he could be anywhere but where he was. “When you do anything, I get hard, really. Even your ridiculous sex puns. You remember when you wrapped those Dark wizards in stone at the restaurant?”

“Yeah,” I managed to say.

“I wanted to tell you that you gave me an e-rock-tion.” He bent over and banged his forehead against the table. “Why, why,
why
did I say that out loud? Please. Someone. Anyone.
Kill me
.”

“Sex puns,” I breathed. “Knight Delicious Face said a sex pun.”

“There it is again!” he exclaimed. “Knight Delicious Face. What is that?”

“You’re a knight,” I said. “And your face is delicious.”

“You think I’m delicious?” he said, suddenly shy.

“Oh my
gods
,” Gary moaned. “This is so awkward I can’t even stand it. I physically hurt from how awkward this is. I don’t even care that we’re apparently in mortal danger. I just don’t want to listen to you two flirt anymore. Eloise? Yoo-hoo, Eloise? If you’re going to kill us, can you please do it now? I can’t take this anymore.”

Tiggy was poking his face and giggling. “I love everyone,” he said. “Except people who hurt Gary and Sam. I smash those people.”

Everyone at the tables was staring at us but I couldn’t care less because
Ryan fucking Foxheart got boners because of me
.

Just play it cool, Sam. You’re under a truth spell, but you got this. Just play it cool.

So I opened my mouth and played it cool.

“I jerked off to the thought of you the day I first saw you,” I said, cringing immediately. Not cool!
Not
cool!

“You were
fifteen
,” he said, sounding scandalized. “Why did you… I can’t even… I jerked off to the thought of you the day after that.”

“I was
fifteen
,” I said, eyes wide.

“I know,” he said. “I felt guilty for three days and then I did it again. Your
mouth
.”

“What’s wrong with my mouth?”

“Nothing,” Ryan said. “Except for the fact that it doesn’t have my dick in it and holy
fuck
, this needs to
stop
.” He looked horrified.

I was too. Except I also had a boner.

Horrified boners are horrifying.

As was the fact that all I could think about was telling him that he was my cornerstone. Cornerstone. Cornerstone.
Cornerstone. Corner
—“I’m Mervin!” I managed to say instead. It came out strangled, like I was choking.

“How much of this mixture did you give them?” Eloise asked with a frown.

The man across from me said, “Too much. I thought since they were magical, they’d need more. I gave them three times the normal dose.” He looked over at me with a contrite look on his face. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t forgive you,” I told him. “Like, at all. There is no forgiveness between you and me. In fact, I’m so far from forgiveness that it’s a foreign concept to me and I shall never understand it with you. You dick.”

The man pouted.

Good. That made me feel good.

“This is going to get worse before it gets better,” Eloise said with a sigh.

“Mervin?” Gary asked.

“Mervin,” Tiggy said. “No Mervin. You’re Sam.”

“Mervin?” Ryan said, furrowing his brow. Then he figured it out. “What?”

Don’t say it. DON’T SAY IT.
“I go to the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club meetings dressed up as a guy named Mervin because I secretly pine for you and your biceps. Also? My muffins were
not
dry and anyone that says otherwise is a lying bastard.” I glared at the people of Tarker Mills, daring them to say anything about my muffins.

“I
knew
it,” Gary whispered. “I fucking
knew
you were sort of creepy in a sweetly romantic way and did things that most people would consider ridiculous.
You went in disguise to a fan club for Ryan
. Who
does
that?”

“Lovey Sam is creepy Sam,” Tiggy agreed.

“I’m also a Foxy Lady,” I told everyone even though I wanted to do anything but. “And then Ryan gave me his autograph thinking I was Mervin and he said he was a Sam Girl and I went home that night and put it under my pillow. And I’ve been to at least thirty meetings and I wish I wasn’t saying any of this out loud. So bad.” I tried to close my mouth, but I couldn’t help but add, “HaveHeart forever!”

“I think this is getting out of hand,” Eloise said. “Why don’t we—”

“I
knew
that was you,” Ryan said. “Okay, well I didn’t. But I
did
.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” I told him. “But that’s okay. You don’t need to make sense because I’ll still lo—
no
.” I looked back at Eloise. “You
don’t
get to have that. You
don’t
get to take that from me.”

I tried to pull my magic toward me, and on the edges of my vision, the green and gold fluttered. I stood, pushing my chair back.

“Sit down,” Eloise said.

I opened my mouth to tell her to fuck off and then torch this whole fucking village, but instead, I sat down.

“No magic,” she said.

The green and gold flitted away as if they were never there at all.

“I seriously despise you,” I said truthfully.

She didn’t give a damn. “The scorch marks,” she said. “Near the tree the fire geckos lit.”

“Lightning from Dark wizards,” I said. “I took their magic and made it my own.”

I thought that would instill the fear of the gods in her, but it only made her cheeks flush and her breath short. “He will be so pleased,” she murmured. “What we have brought to him.”

“Who?”

“Our Great Father,” she said and the people of Tarker Mills bowed their heads in supplication.

“The Great….” I trailed off, my gaze dropping to the sash. Particularly the beast etched near the top. It all clicked into place. “The dragon. You worship the
dragon
?”

“He descended from on high,” she said as Tarker Mills quietly agreed with her. “He came to us and we knew we’d found our salvation.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t make sense. The dragon hasn’t been in Verania that long. How long have you known about it?”

“Fifty-seven glorious days,” Eloise said.

“Fifty-seven days,” I repeated.

“Yes.”

“You turned your entire town into a cult in fifty-seven days.”

“Not a cult,” she snapped. “A
religion
.”

“Fifty-seven
days
,” I said. “You built an entire religion in less than two months!”

“You sound impressed.”

“I
am
impressed,” I admitted. “You must be a special kind of crazy if you can create that kind of idolatry in such a short amount of time.”

She stood swiftly. “I’m
not
crazy.”

“Kind of crazy,” Gary said.

“A lot crazy,” Tiggy said.

“Crazy and you force-fed your neighbors a compulsion mix,” I said. “Come on. Let me use my magic. You’re a lady and you look like a grandma, but I still want to hit you right now.”

“Do some magic,” Ryan whispered to me, right in my ear. “
Slowly
. So I can watch.”

“When we get out of here, I’m going to do so much magic all over you,” I told him. “You’re going to be covered in it.” At that moment, I really wished I’d been born mute and had never set eyes on Ryan Foxheart.

“Make it stop!” Gary wailed.

“Yeah. Cover me in your magic.” Ryan was blushing so hard, I thought his face was about to explode. “I want to stop talking. You have no idea how much I want to stop talking.” He leaned closer and I could feel his breath on my face. It smelled of corn and eroticism.

“Um,” Eloise said. “Maybe you guys could—”

We ignored her completely. “I’m going to do so many spells,” I said, because it seemed impossible for me to stop. “You won’t even believe how many spells I can do. Flora Bora Slam, motherfucker.” Our lips were inches apart.

“I want you to Flora Bora Slam
me
,” Ryan said and I just
choked
.

“Therapy,” Gary said. “I’m going to need so much therapy. It’s like watching cows mating and it’s wet and sticky and uncomfortable but I can’t look away because I’m worried some of it is going to get on me.”

“We’re not
cows
,” I growled at him.

“I’m not very good at metaphors,” Gary said. “I try to be, but I’m not. It’s something I wish I could be better at. I would also like to learn how to tap dance and make macramé art because I think I’m not worldly enough.”

“You think macramé is worldly?”

Apropos of nothing, Tiggy said, “I love chicken. And turtles. And the sky. And shoes.”

Gary narrowed his eyes at me. “Yes,
Sam
. I’m sorry if it’s not up to your standards of wanting to cover Ryan with your magic.”

“That sounds so awesome,” Ryan breathed, and I was going to
kiss
him. I was going to fucking
kiss
him and—

“Except you have a fiancé,” Gary said and that pretty much brought about the end of any thoughts about kissing I might have had.

Ouch.

I pulled my head away. “You love Justin,” I said as my heart clenched. “You love him and want to marry him and have his babies and live in a castle and suck on his dick in the moonlight as he calls you things like babycakes and lovebone.”

Lovebone?
Eloise mouthed to herself.

He shook his head adamantly. “No, Sam. Listen. It’s not like that. It’s—”

“
Enough
,” Eloise snarled. “No more talking.”

We both fell silent. We had no other choice. Ryan looked stricken, like all he wanted to
do
was talk more, to finish his sentence, but the compulsion we were under was powerful and we could only do what Eloise told us.

“Now,” she said, “where were we? Ah, yes. The offering.”

And I just
knew
she was about to start monologuing, but I could do nothing to stop it. If looks could kill, though, her head would have been severed from her body the moment she opened her mouth.