The Lightning-Struck Heart (41 page)

I had
plans
.

Things were looking
up
.

“What are you so happy about?” Gary asked me suspiciously.

“Everything, my good man,” I said. “I have
plans
.”

“I don’t want to know what they are if the manic smile on your face is indicative of anything.”

“I’m probably into rimming,” I told him, and Ryan tripped and almost fell down. Sometimes he was so graceless for a knight.

“That so?” Gary managed to say. “How do you figure?”

“Just seems like it, I guess.”

“Plans, have you?”

“So many plans.”

“Rimming plans.”

“Why the fuck not?”

He sighed. “I remember when you were a prude. My little boy who got flustered even saying the word
sex
is now talking about rimming. Kids. You grow up so fast. Pretty soon you’ll be getting fisted and I won’t know where the time has gone.”

“I was
never
a prude,” I said. “I’m just not as sexually liberated as you. Especially with fisting. I can’t honestly think of a time in my life where I’d find that to be a good idea.”

“What rimming?” Tiggy asked.

“Butt stuff,” Gary said.

“Seriously,” Ryan groaned. “You guys.”

“It is,” Gary said. “Didn’t you know that?”

And before I could start to think about Ryan and rimming, I said, “It doesn’t even matter. It’s a beautiful day. We are alive and healthy and not in any peril and we’re on our way to save the day!”

“I think he’s broken,” Gary said to Tiggy. Then he looked over at Ryan. “You broke our best friend.”

“
Me
? What did
I
do?”

“Everything,” Tiggy rumbled. “Sam broken. I smash Knight Delicious Face?”

“Maybe,” Gary said.

“No smashing,” Ryan said. “And can we
please
talk about Knight Delicious Face? What the hell does that
mean
?”

“Don’t even care about what’s going on around me,” I said, trying to maintain my cheer and most certainly
not
completely focusing on the alliteration that is really rimming Ryan. “Doesn’t matter to me at all. Wesley York IV has a date with my asshole.”

“Who the fuck is Wesley?” Ryan growled.

“Your
asshole
?” Gary choked. “You just made everything hurt.”

“Smash so good,” Tiggy said, curling his fists.

And, of course, that’s when a tree at the edge of the Dark Woods burst into flames, the fire green and orange with shots of blue running through it.

We all froze.

“No,” I muttered. “I am having a
good
day and this is
not
part of having a good day. Sloan Fontaine will bring me great ass pleasure and I won’t even know what hit me.”

“Are you a secret slut?” Gary asked. “Do you covertly have all the mens? Who is Sloan and why don’t I know him?”

“Sloan Fontaine,” Ryan scoffed. “Sounds weak. I bet I could take him in a fight. Probably doesn’t even work out or anything. I work out. Like,
a lot
.”

“
I
don’t even work out,” I said, trying to figure out why I was defending two people who were imaginary and most definitely not going to rim me.

“Smash smash smash,” Tiggy muttered.

“Fire geckos?” Gary said.

“Fire geckos.” I sighed. “I fucking
hate
fire geckos. Why do so many things in the Dark Woods want to see me dead?”

“Or gay fairy married.” Ryan pulled out his sword and shield. “Can’t forget about your ex.”

“He’s not my ex,” I snapped at him. “I am having a
good
day and we’re not talking about Dimitri.”

“Oh no,” Ryan snarked. “We’ll just talk about Sloan Fontaine and Wesley York IV. Gods, could they have more douchebag-sounding names?”

“They’re not
real
!”

“
You’re
not real.”

“That was weak sauce, dude.”

“Yeah. I’ll admit. That wasn’t my best.”

“As adorable as you two are being right now,” Gary said, “there is the matter of
fire
geckos
that we have to worry about.”

“Fucking fire geckos,” I muttered. I could already hear them snapping and snarling in the Dark Woods. It sounded like a shit ton of them. Mean little bastards, they were. The biggest would stand on its hind legs at about two feet tall. Their skin was mottled red and gray and orange. Their teeth were sharp, and that they could expel fire from their skin made them all the more vicious. That and the fact that they tended to swarm and had a penchant for fully cleaning their kill and leaving nothing but bits of glistening bones.

“Maybe we should—”

“There they are!” a voice cried out from behind us.

We all turned.

Coming out of the woods behind us were two Dark wizards.

“Mother
fuckers
,” I groaned. “Are you
serious
?”

“At last!” one of them cried. “We have found you.”

“At last,” I mocked, my voice going high-pitched. “You have found us.”

They appeared a bit taken aback by my sarcasm. Good. They deserved it. I was having a
fucking good day
.

“You would do well to bite your tongue, apprentice,” the Dark said. His hands were twitching at his sides, and I could feel his magic building. He was stronger than the ones at the restaurant weeks before.

“So I’ve been told.” I took a step back and felt Ryan at my side, shoulder to shoulder. Tiggy and Gary were behind us, looking back toward the Dark Woods and the approaching fire geckos, still hidden in the forest.

“Er,” the other Dark said. “Why is that tree on fire?”

“Did you light the tree on fire?” the first Dark said. He sounded as if he were offended. “This is an old-growth forest. That tree is at least three hundred years old! Why would you murder it? They’re not made to burn. They’re made to hug and give us oxygen and shade on a hot summer day.”

Great. Hippie Darks. Fantastic. “I didn’t
murder
it,” I said.

“Did you hug it before you sent it up in flames?” he demanded.

“How is this your life?” Ryan asked, staring at me.

“Why are you looking at me like this is
my
fault?” I asked.

“Because you’re the common denominator in all the crazy,” he said. “I thought that much was obvious.”

I rolled my eyes as he flourished his sword, obviously trying to show off. It wasn’t working. Sort of. My penis thought it was working. “Hey, remember the last time we went up against a bunch of Darks and you were dashing and immaculate. Oh.
Wait
. You weren’t. Because you didn’t do anything. I did.”

“Oh gods,” Gary muttered. “Not again.”

Impressively, Ryan scowled at me while still keeping his eyes on the Darks. “Please. I so had the situation handled and then you stepped in unnecessarily.”

“
Unnecessarily
? There were four Dark wizards and only
one
of you with your little sword!”

“It’s
not
little.”

“Eh. I’ve seen bigger.” And I had. There were some that even the biggest of men had to hold with two hands to get a good grip on. They were heavy and thick and could never be fisted with a single hand alone.

“That’s not what you were saying when it was poking you in the middle of your date,” Ryan said. “You know. With
Todd
. Who has
ears
.”

“Oh my
gods
,” Gary moaned.

“Maybe you should have watched where you were sticking it when you were bending over in front of me,” I snapped. “You can’t just shove it wherever you want. It’s not sanitary.”

“Is this… is this what I think it is?” the first Dark said with a frown. “What is this?”

“I have no idea,” the second Dark said. “I don’t know if I’m being threatened or turned on. It’s somewhat frightening that I can’t tell the difference.”

“Sanitary? I keep it clean!”

“Rubbing it off once a week does
not
count as sanitary.”

Tiggy giggled. “That sounds like two things.”

“I do it more than once a week,” Ryan protested. “Two times a day. At
least
. When I get up and before I go to bed.”

“Really? I’ve never seen you do that.”

He rolled his eyes. “Usually, you’re asleep when I start. I try to keep quiet so I don’t wake you up. I’ll make sure you’re awake the next time I’m doing it so you can watch me.”

Gary started coughing harshly.

“They have to be doing this on purpose,” the first Dark said. “Right?”

“I can’t tell,” the second Dark said. “The UST is killing me, though. They’re like Russ and Rochelle from that serial story you read in the newspaper.”

“Oooh, you mean ‘Companions’? I love that story. It’s always will they or won’t they and I just want to push their faces together and scream at them to kiss.”

“Right? Sort of like now.” The Darks both stared at me meaningfully. I glared back at them.

“What the hell is UST?” Ryan asked me. He was back on the defensive, eyeing the Darks in front of us. I could hear the fire geckos getting louder. I didn’t know if the Darks had heard them yet. “Is that like a wizarding spell?”

I was sure my face was bright red. “Yes. That’s exactly what it is. A wizarding spell. They’re trying to hex us. With all their UST.”

“Really,” the Dark the First said flatly. “That’s what you’re going with.”

“And it’s not
our
UST,” Dark the Second said.

“Don’t even try it,” Gary said. “You won’t get anywhere. Trust me on that. It’s like talking to emotionally constipated brick walls.”

“Are we going to fight or is this another one of those times when I think there is going to be fighting but instead there’s talking?” Ryan asked.

“How close?” I gritted out to Gary.

“A minute, maybe less.”

“When I say run, you run.”

“You have a plan?” Gary asked.

“Yes. Running. Running is my plan.”

“Why are we running?” Ryan muttered. “We can take them. There’s only two of them.”

“And a shitload of fire geckos,” I reminded him, “that want to set you on fire, then eat you.”

“I’m not scared of little lizards,” he scoffed.

“Then you can stay here,” I said. “It’s been nice knowing you. Tiggy, you know what to do. Sack of potatoes.”

Tiggy grinned and popped his knuckles.

“Why don’t you just do some magic?” Ryan asked, and for some reason, his pupils dilated and his voice went slightly hoarse. “You could… uh. You know. Do magic. All over them. Just. Get it out there and
do
it.”

“
Oh my gods
,” Gary said. “Seriously?
That’s
what does it for you?”

“Does what?” I asked. “What the hell? And I just can’t
do
magic
all over them
.” Even though I probably could. I couldn’t tell him I didn’t want to take the chance of us getting swarmed by fire geckos and me unable to do anything to stop them from hurting him. Them. Stop the fire geckos from hurting
them
.

“What are they whispering about?” Dark the First asked.

“Gods only know,” Dark the Second said. “Do you hear that? Sounds like… rumbling.”

“Must be your stomach. You didn’t eat breakfast. I
told
you to eat breakfast.”

“You know I’m not a breakfast person.”

“What does that even
mean
?
Everyone
eats breakfast. You don’t hear people saying they’re not a
lunch
person or not a
dinner
person.”

“I just don’t like chewing in the mornings,” Dark the Second said. “There’s something weird about walking up from sleeping for eight hours and then putting food in your mouth.”

“How is that
weird
?” Dark the First asked incredulously. “Literally everyone does it. Literally.”

“I really wish you’d stop saying literally,” Dark the Second said. “I literally don’t think you understand what that word means.”

“We should probably try and put that tree fire out,” Dark the First said. “It’s
literally
hurting me to watch it burn.”

“Stop,” the second Dark moaned. “I’m begging you. Please stop.”

“You’re
literally
begging me.”

“No I’m—wait. That one was right. I
was
literally begging you. Okay, maybe you get it now. Sort of. Just restrict your future uses as much as possible and we’ll be fine and why are they running away?”

And we were. As soon as I gave the signal, Ryan squawked as Tiggy picked him up and threw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, running in the opposite direction of the Darks. Gary quickly followed, little plumes of dust kicking up around his hooves, the packs on his back sliding left and right.

I took up the rear, looking back over my shoulder as the Darks shouted after us. The air around Dark the First began to shimmer and I knew. And even though he was too far away for me to hear him speak, I knew the words that were going to come out of his mouth, what his first attack would be. It was in the shift in the air. The flash of blue, cold and electric. The hairs on my arm stood on end as the smell of ozone filled my nose.

The fire geckos roared in the woods, already near the edge.

Dark the First muttered dark syllables.

His hands twitched and he began to conduct his symphony, thunder loud and lightning struck.

Electricity bolted from his hands, arcing toward me. I had the time to hear Ryan shout in warning, a cry filled with fear and anguish, and I felt my magic settle even further, another piece of the cornerstone locking into place, whether I wanted it to or not. It felt like ease and wonderment and coming home home
home
. I was bright and heartsore because it was a
taste
of what it could be like. A mere shadow of how great it could be.

But it was enough for this moment. For now. For good.

I didn’t have to think or speak. There was something flitting along the edges of my vision and tongue, like memory or déjà vu. It rankled that it was so close, like a dream faded but not forgotten. Not completely.