The Lightning-Struck Heart (56 page)

“Oh, honey.” Gary didn’t miss a beat. “It was embarrassing for all of us.”

The ninth
night.

“I
JUST
didn’ unnerstan, ya know?” I slurred. I reached down and knocked back the rest of my wine. The tavern was loud around us. “You wanna be with someone, so why not just
be
with them? I mean, seriously. Right? Come on. Just. Just
be
. Ya know? I mean, there’s
ways
to be stuff. Together. I didn’t even
know
, ya know? And then the corn told us the truth and I was like… just.
There
, man. I was just.
There
. I don’t know. Refill, barkeep. Yeah, I’m talking to you. All right! Ha, ha! No, don’t be stingy. Fill it alllll the way up. That’s nice. Keep the tab
flowing
. Or open. Whatever. Words are hard. This wine is good. Wine!
Get in my mouth, wine
! Ha. I’m wining and whining. What was I saying? Oh. Right. Ya know? So he was all, like,
I love you, babe, but I promised my dick to the stupid fucking Prince
. And I was all, like,
Shoot, girl, I don’t even need you. I got this. I’m my own man
. Ya know? And he was all, like,
But, babe. You make me feel so alive. I’m not dashing or immacular. Immaculen. Immaculy. But babe. I’m not dashing or awesome without you.
And I was all, like,
Shoot, girl
.
Shut up
. Ya know? I don’t know. And now we’re going to go back to the castle and they’ll be wedding each other. And I’ll have to
be there
. Who… who
does
that? Ya know? Like. Who
does
that? Jerks is who does that, that’s who.
Jerks
. And I have to
be
in the wedding, ya know? They’ll be all happy and stupid and I’ll be—
holy crap I love this song
. Play it louder!
PLAY IT LOUDER
! Yeah. Whoo! Don’t you feel like dancing? I do. Not like
waltz
dancing because that’s just
stupid
. Even if it’s
three times
, ya know? Waltzing for three times with a single person means
nothing
. I did it
twice
with Todd and he had these
ears
that were just. Ya know? And so
what
if I accidently gave him a hand job. So.
What
. I bet I’d give
good
hand jobs.
I
don’t have any complaints about the hand jobs that I do to myself. In fact, I would so far as to say they’re pretty darn good, ya know? The right amount of grip and everything. And when I’m done? You know what I do when I’m done? I
thank
myself because I am a considerate lover, okay? Ya know? I’m
nice
when I finish. I tell myself how
good
it was for me, didn’t I think so? Barkeep! Bar. Keep. Fill me up. Just leave the bottle. It’s easier. Where was I? Oh. Right. So I didn’t even
want
to go to the Ryan Stupidheart Fucker Fan Fucking Club meeting to begin with, ya know? I went because I was just checking to make sure there were no spies or whatever. No one to
infiltrate the castle
or whatever. Tina, man. Tina would infiltrate the castle, ya know? Because she’s just…. Gods. She thinks my muffins are dry as my conter… constant. As dry as my
consternation
. Or whatever.
My muffins aren’t fucking dry, Tina
. Ya know? That’s what I say to her and she’s all like. Like. Like,
Mervin
. She said. She goes,
Mervin
.
You make me mad because you’re all witty and awesome and so fucking cool and I’m not because I’m a teenage bitch who wants to play with Ryan’s dong
. Or whatever. Ya know? I mean. Who does that? Right? Who
does
that? Sorry. Sorry. Man. Sorry. What’s your name again?”

The elderly woman I was talking to stared at me. “Um. You just sat here and started talking and never asked me for my name.”

“Oh. That’s cool. Or whatever. Your name’s not Ryan is it, because that
would fucking suck
.”

“No. Um. My name is. Um. Betty?”

“Betty! Bet. Tee. Hey. Hey barkeep! Get my friend Betty here another drink, would you? She’s. She’s my
friend
, ya know?”

“Oh my goodness,” Betty whispered.

“It’s cool,” I told her loudly. “They know me. I come here all the time.” I leaned over to her and whispered, “I’ve never been here before. They have no idea who I am.” And then I winked at her. “Gods,” I said, trying to keep my eyes from crossing. “You’re cute for a lady who is older and a lady. Like a sexy grandma. Do you. Like. Do you want to go? I don’t know. Play cards or. Something. Like braid hair and shit. I don’t know. Ya know?”

“No,” Betty said. “No. I just want to eat my dinner, but you’re leaning in it with your elbows.”

“Oh no! Oh my gods. Betty.
Betty
. I’m so sorry. I’m so—are you eating pasta?”

“I was. Um. Trying to?”

“And my elbows were in it?”

“Um. Yes?”

“So. Would you say it’s… elbow macaroni?”

“No. Um. It’s… spaghetti? So. It’d be… elbow. Spaghetti?”

“That’s not a thing,” I told her. “Elbow spaghetti. What even. Gods, you’re so weird. I’m going to go sleep. Thank you for inviting me to your birthday party. Bye.”

And then I passed out.

The tenth morning.

“O
H
MY
gods,” I moaned as I dragged my feet down the road. “Kill me now. Or kill the sun. I don’t care which.”

“Someone learned a lesson last night,” Gary said, sounding way too chipper while I was obviously dying.

“Was that before or after he woke up in a bowl of noodles?” Kevin asked. Like a jerk.

“Spaghetti face!” Tiggy cried. “Wizard Spaghetti Face.”

“He capitalized it,” Gary said. “Now it’s forever.”

“That’s a stupid fucking rule,” I grumbled.

The thirteenth night.

“S
O
,” G
ARY
said. “Kevin and I. Need to go into the forest. For. Food.”

I stared at the both of them. “For food.”

“Like. Berries. Or something.”

“Berries,” I repeated.

“Yes,” Kevin said. “So we can have fruit for breakfast.”

“Berries.”

“Forest berries,” Gary said. “From the forest.”

“Fine,” I said. “I’ll take the first watch. Don’t take long.”

An hour later, things got gross.

I was lying by the fire listening to Tiggy snore next to me and watching the stars above when I heard it echoing through the trees.

At first, I thought it sounded like a ghost eating feral cats.

And then I thought it might have been monkeys fighting with peeled, wet oranges.

But then I heard, “OOOOH, KEVIN. OH. MY. FUCKING.
GODS
. HOW LONG IS YOUR
TONGUE
?”

And I said, “Nope. Nope, nope, nope.”

“OH, MY LOVE, YOU TASTE LIKE THE FINEST AMBROSIA. I WANT TO DRINK YOU DOWN MY THROAT.”

I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

“HOW CAN YOU EVEN
BEND
LIKE THAT?”

“GARY. GARY. YOU MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE AND I WANT TO DO THINGS TO YOUR ANUS.”

“Please make this just be a nightmare,” I whispered. “I’m begging you.”

“YOU CAN DO
ANYTHING
TO MY ANUS.”

“WHO’S BEEN A BAD UNICORN? HAVE
YOU
BEEN A BAD UNICORN?”

“Please say no,” I said. “Please say no.”

“YES.
YES
. I’VE BEEN SUCH A
BAD
UNICORN.”

“Whyyyyy?” I moaned as I pulled my blanket over my head.

“BAD UNICORNS GET PUNISHED. DID YOU KNOW THAT?”

“YES! YES, I KNEW!”

“YES, WHAT?”

“HUH? YES, WHAT WHAT?”

“NO. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY YES, SIR.”

“OH. WE’RE REALLY GOING THERE?”

“Don’t go there,” I muttered rocking back and forth. “Don’t go there.”

“WELL, YEAH. IF YOU’VE BEEN A BAD UNICORN. THAT’S KIND OF THE RULES.”

“WHOSE RULES?”

“KEVIN’S RULES FOR A GOOD BOUT OF FUCKING.”

“He shouldn’t follow those rules,” I told a sleeping Tiggy.

“OH. OKAY. I GUESS I CAN DO THAT. IT’S BEEN A WHILE. MY SAFEWORD IS MURIEL. MY WORD TO GIVE ME A MOMENT TO BREATHE IS FONDUE. MY WORD TO KEEP ON GOING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS AMAZING IS SAM.”

“Oh,
come on
!” I said into my hands.

Monkeys renewed their wet orange fight with feral-cat-eating ghosts.

“WHO IS MY BAD UNICORN?”

“I AM, SIR. I AM YOUR BAD UNICORN. SPANK ME WITH YOUR MOUTH.”

“IS THIS OKAY? DOES THIS FEEL GOOD?”

“SAM. SAAAAAAAM. I AM SO SAM RIGHT NOW.”

“This is not okay,” I cried. “Nothing about this is okay.”

Tiggy continued to snore.

“YOU NAUGHTY UNICORN. I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TEACH YOU A LESSON IN RESPECT.”

“MAKE ME RESPECT YOU SO HARD. SAM, I AM. SAMSAMSAM
SAM
. I AM—WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT YOUR
PENIS
? HOLY MOTHER OF THE GODS, I DON’T KNOW IF THAT IS GOING TO FIT IN ME.”

“Cheesy dicks and candlesticks and everything you need!” I tried to sing. It came out broken and sounding like I was dying. Because I was.

“OH, THANK YOU, MY HEART. IT’S ALWAYS AFFIRMING WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU YOUR COCK IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING THEY’VE EVER SEEN.”

“UM. I DIDN’T QUITE SAY IT LIKE THAT. SIR. OOOOOH. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD
DO
THAT. I AM SO FUCKING SAM RIGHT NOW. I AM THE SAMMIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN. SAM ME ALL YOU WANT, YOU DIRTY BASTARD.”

It went on for another four hours.

The fourteenth morning.

“B
ERRIES
?” T
IGGY
asked as he looked down at his oatmeal.

“We couldn’t find any,” Gary said.

“We looked long and hard,” Kevin said. “Very long. And very hard.”

I let out a wail because
why did this have to happen to me
?

“Sam?” Gary asked. “You okay? You look… clammy.”

“I’ve heard things,” I whispered, clutching my hands at my chest. “I’ve
heard
things.”

“What things?”

“
Things
,” I breathed.

“Oh,” Gary said, sharing a fond look with Kevin. “I see what this is.”

“Sam?” Kevin said. “We should talk about this, okay, buddy?”

“No,” I said. “Never.”

“Sam,” Gary said gently. “You see, when a dragon loves a unicorn, they have a special hug they do in the forest.”

“And sometimes,” Kevin said, rubbing my back with his claws, “the dragon likes to lick the unicorn’s asshole until he—”

I ran screaming down the road.

The nineteenth
day.

“A
ND
A
further
thing,” I said as we walked down the Old Road. “I don’t even
care
about him that much, anyway.”

“Uh-huh,” Gary said.

“Right? It’s not like I actually developed real
feelings
for him or anything. It was just an infatuation that I can so easily get over. It didn’t
matter
. It was never a
thing
.”

“Right,” Gary said. “Get over. Like you’ve been saying. For the last three hours.”

“Because I don’t need a man to define me,” I said. “I am a strong, independent wizard. I’ll be my
own
cornerstone.”

“Don’t need no mens,” Tiggy said.

“
Exactly
,” I said. “I
don’t
. I have my boys with me, and we’re going to go on adventures and do cool shit like fight manticores and discover caves and eat disgusting regional delicacies. Because I’m young and hung and full of magic.”

“Sam,” Gary said kindly. “I understand what you’re saying. I really do. But let me give you some advice from the perspective of someone in a long-term relationship.”

“You’ve been together for
five days
.”

“And that’s five days longer than you.”

“Hey, buddy,” Kevin said. “Just listen to him, okay? We both just want to make sure you don’t make any rash decisions.”

“I’m
not
. I’m grown up and every decision I make is the right one because I’m making it based upon all the feelings in my chest and brain.”

“Kids,” Gary said, shaking his head. “They want to grow up so fast.”

“Remember when he was younger?” Kevin said with a warm chuckle. “He was at my keep and kept saying things like,
You can’t take any of your stuff that’s obviously important to you because what I say goes and I’m a giant dick-brained motherfucker.
”

“I’m pretty sure I never said that,” I told them, but they ignored me. “And we were at your keep two weeks ago!”

“Pretty soon, he’s going to want to go off on his own,” Gary said, sounding upset. “Oh, Kevin. What are we going to do when he’s ready to leave?”

“What is even happening right now?”

“Shhh,” Kevin said to Gary, brushing their snouts together. “It’s okay. You’ve been such a good mother to him. You’ll see. He’ll do good things. And if he doesn’t, we’ll be there to pick up the pieces because that’s what parents do.”

Gary started crying and pushed his face against mine. “You listen to me, okay?” he said, sniffing loudly in my ear. “You follow your heart because one day, it’ll lead you home. You’ve been such a good son.”