The Lunam Ceremony (Book One) (36 page)

Dillan remains on his knees. He looks up at me with a mash of sorrow and pity. “She told me you might not be able to have children.” He pulls one foot from underneath him and rests on one knee, the way men do when they are about to propose.

I gasp when he takes my hand. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Cassie has betrayed me, or because it looks like Dillan is going to ask me to marry him. “I’ll love you no matter what, Kalysia. I just need you to tell me yourself.” He puts my hand to his lips. “It makes sense now—you allowing me to be with Cassie. You didn’t want to deny me the chance to be a father.”

I shake my head so hard that my ponytail whips my cheeks. I never wanted him to be a father. I just wanted him to leave, with me. I can’t let him think I’m so selfless. This can’t be why he loves me. “No.” I pull my hand away and motion for him to stand. “What Cassie told you isn’t true.”

He scoffs as if Cassie is incapable of a lie. “So, you didn’t take the pill?”

“Yes, I took the pill. But the pill doesn’t make you sterile. It’s just a stupid Shasta myth.” Dillan watches me closely for any signs of a lie. It angers me that he would doubt me, not her. “Why would she even tell you that?” I feel the wall between us being hoisted back into place when Dillan begins to protect her.

“She was trying to comfort me.” He pauses and clears his throat. Bad choice of words. “I was upset and a little buzzed from too much wine. I was going on and on about why you would offer Cassie to me. I understood why Lowell wanted me to be with her, but I couldn’t make sense of why you would go along with it. I would kill before I let another man touch you.”

Which is why he will never know about Jase. I want to remind him about the deal with Lowell, about him being outcast if he didn’t create an heir, anything to change the subject. He won’t let me speak.

“You know I don’t care about my father. I would’ve left without a dime and spent my life with you.”

Would
have left. My heart can’t take anymore. “You don’t have to worry about that now.” I lean on the sink and put on the bitterest face I can muster. “You can stay here and live happily ever after with Cassie, eating chocolates.” It’s easier to have him hate me than know he won’t leave with me.

“What are you saying?” Dillan steps towards me. “I love you, Kalysia.” I roll my eyes in response. “You don’t believe me because I gave Cassie a box of candy?”

It’s not just the candy. Once she confirms she’s pregnant, he will dote on her, care for her. It’s in his nature. I just shrug. I don’t want to come between him and his child. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. I fucked up. I should be the one having his baby, not her. Tomorrow they will become a family, and I will be alone.

“It isn’t just the candy. It’s you and her. Something has changed between you two, something that I didn’t anticipate. You care about her. You will care about your baby. I don’t fit into the scenario anymore, so I’m withdrawing myself from the equation.”

“What are you saying?” Dillan leans in the doorway like he might fall over.

I swallow hard and try to keep an even face. “It’s over.”

I don’t ask Dillan for permission to go on the Truckee run. I don’t need to. I’m not his and he isn’t mine. Rusty and Carrick volunteered for the run and didn’t seem to mind that I was crashing their weekend. Carrick told Dillan he is going to visit some family in South Lake Tahoe, really him and my brother plan to spend the weekend together so we take two vehicles. Rusty is driving my truck, while Carrick follows behind in the larger delivery van.

All the sales have doubled, tripled in some cases, since the first order. The beer is a huge success. Lowell must be in heaven. Today he’ll learn he’s going to be the grandfather of a future pack leader, making his role, and Dillan’s, all the more powerful. If I wasn’t a complete idiot, my child would be the one with all the power, giving Monte and Layla the control they need to stand against Lowell. But I failed them and myself.

“You’ve been quiet all day.” Rusty turns down the stereo. I see him watching me from the corner of my eye.

“Watch the road, please.” I gesture to the-two lane highway in front of us. “I’m fine.” I bite my tongue every time I say that these days. “You’re killing me slowly with this.” I hold up the Taylor Swift CD case.

Rusty just laughs like I’m joking. “Well, I was thinking, maybe you want to stay the night in South Lake Tahoe with me and Carrick.”

The plan was for Rusty and I to take the delivery truck back to camp and let Carrick have the Ford for his trip to Tahoe. At least, that’s what they told the others. Rusty planned all along to spend this weekend, Valentine’s Day weekend, with Carrick. Me coming along blew their plan.

“Come on, sis. You don’t want to be around for all that full moon bullshit anyway.”

I shrug. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’ve shut down.

We pull into the parking lot of the Gallup Saloon, our last stop. Bud and Sissy treat us to an early dinner of barbecue chicken and baked sweet potatoes. Bud says our fancy beer is selling like free water in hell. He even added a special pairing to his menu featuring Howlin’ Ale. “Your fancy brew and my barbecue sauce are a match made in heaven. My customers can’t get enough.” Bud gives us a case of Willis’ West Coast Barbecue Sauce to take back this time.

Rusty and Carrick love Bud and think Gallup is a hoot. They even join in a couple of line dances before we leave. The women in the place fall all over my brother and his boyfriend. I have to pull them off the dance floor and tell them we have to get going.

The sun is setting when we walk outside. Bud gestures to the clear sky. “Hellava lot better than the shit storm you drove through last time you were here.” When he says that, my mind goes instantly to Jase.
I’m so close.

Rusty starts the delivery truck and waits for Carrick to pull out first. I can see the longing in his eyes. I pick up the two-way radio and call to Carrick. “Change of plans, pull over.” I can hardly believe what I’m about to say, but I’m too close. He’s too close. “I’ll take the Ford, you two take the delivery truck, and we’ll meet in Meyers tomorrow at noon. I’ll call camp and tell them we’re going to stay in Tahoe together. That way, you don’t have to lie.”

Rusty just nods. He knows why Dillan won’t fight me. We look at the dash; it is ten past five. The full moon was at 4:56pm. He knows he’s going to be a father. He’s probably off celebrating with Cassie, bathing her in chocolates.

“He loves you, you know that.” Rusty pats my hand, sensing my despair.

“That isn’t the issue.” I leave it at that. “Come on, get out. Carrick’s waiting.” I push my brother’s shoulder.

Rusty grabs his phone from the ashtray and his duffle from behind the seat. “You can come if you want. We can get drunk in the casino and stuff ourselves at the buffet.” His smile falters when I shake my head. “I don’t know if I should leave you alone. Where are you going to go for the night?”

I feel my face flush. Rusty recognizes the clandestine look. “Kalysia….no!” He closes the door as if someone will hear us. “You can’t go back to Quincy.”

“I’m not going there to see him. I’m going to his sister’s birthday party.” I hold up my phone and wiggle it in my hand. “She invited me.”

“Please don’t do anything you’ll regret.” Rusty hugs me.

My life has been an endless stream of regret lately. “I’m not making any promises.” I pull back and push him out the door. “Now go.”

I watch the delivery truck turn out of Gallup’s parking lot and then pull my cell phone from my pocket. Dillan has a cell phone, but he never carries it, not when he has the walkie. Plus, the cell service is still blotchy at camp. He said he was pulling the night shift at the brew house. For all I know, he’s been with Cassie since the moment I left. He was out of the cabin before dawn. There’s nothing left to say anyway. We’re over. When Cassie’s baby is born, I will leave. With or without Dillan.

I don’t recognize the voice that answers the brew house phone.

“It’s Sid. Who’s this?” I hear him chewing the toothpick he always has hanging from his lips.

I tell him it’s me and ask where Dillan is.

“I assume he’s at dinner.” Sid knows where Dillan is at all times. If he assumes he’s at dinner, then he’s most likely with Cassie.

“Tell him I’m going to Tahoe with Rusty and Carrick. We’ll be back tomorrow around lunch.” I end the call quick, before he can ask any more questions.

The drive to Quincy is much quicker without the snow storm. I make it to Lariat Lodge around seven. The parking lot is packed with cars and people. There are lights strung around a makeshift dance floor in the center of the parking lot. I can’t help but think of Lunam. I pull over and park behind a line of trucks.

I thought showing up like this would be a great surprise for Delilah. She did invite me. But I never replied. She may be mad about that. I also gave Jase my real name, and it wouldn’t be hard for him to find out who I am. What if he doesn’t want to see me? I grip the steering wheel and watch Delilah’s guests arrive carrying pink boxes with big bows. I don’t even have a present. I look around the cab of the truck, looking for something an eighteen-year-old would like, but all I have is beer.

“Holy shit!” someone yells, and I look up to find Lucky standing in front of the truck with a huge grin. “Get your ass out of that truck and give me a hug!” I smile in spite of myself. Lucky has that effect on people. Before I know what’s happening, Lucky’s hand is yanking me out of the cab and into his arms. “Couldn’t stay away, huh?”

“I didn’t want to disappoint Delilah.” I keep up the façade.

Lucky grins and says, “Sure you didn’t.”

He walks me to the entrance of the hotel, but rather than go straight into the party, he guides me to Bill and Deb’s apartment. Bill has a large smile for me. We exchange pleasantries until Deb walks in from the hall. We all see the surprise on her face, even though she recovers quickly and offers me a hug.

“Does Jase know you’re coming?” Deb pretends the question is light and meaningless. She walks into the kitchen to check a boiling pot, so I can’t gauge the reaction on her face when I tell her it’s a surprise.

I look at Bill and Lucky—even they seem nervous. “It was a last-minute decision. I was on my delivery route to Truckee and remembered Delilah’s birthday.” Deb peeks her head around the wall to glare at me. “Delilah texted me, she told me I should come.” I hold my phone up, as if I have the proof.

Deb sighs and shakes her head. She mumbles something about Delilah being childish. I’m starting to think this really was a bad idea. Jase must hate me. I should leave now before he sees me, before he can reject me too.

I’m working up the courage to tell Bill and Lucky that I’m going to leave when Bill claps his hands together. “So, you got any of that swill left?”

I hold up my keys and Lucky snatches them from my hand. “I’m on it!” He runs out of the apartment. I watch him pass by the front window. He stops to talk to a couple of boys his age, and they follow him out to the street.

Bill and I head outside; he is staying close, as if he’s protecting me from something yet to happen. “I don’t see him,” Bill murmurs almost to himself. I’m not going to pretend I don’t know who he’s talking about.

I hear a shrill from deep in the crowd. People part and Delilah emerges. She’s in a frilly bright yellow dress made of tulle. It’s strapless, with an empire waist and an audacious bow just under her breast. Her hair is curled, and she’s wearing a tiara. A tiara. With her ridiculously high heels, she is almost as tall as me. “Kali!” she squeals. “I knew you’d come.” She gives the stink eye to Bill.

“I didn’t want to miss your party.” I feel like an ass for lying. Everyone knows why I’m here. “Everything looks amazing.” I squeeze her hands.

“I know, right!” She pulls me into the party. Delilah is whining about the music or lack thereof when I get my first glimpse of him. He hasn’t seen me, and nobody has told him I’m here. I can tell by the lazy way he moves through the crowd. He looks relaxed. He’s smiling and laughing. Once he hears about me, all of that will change. He might even be angry enough to ask me to leave. I’m glad I have these few moments to observe him like this, before shit gets bad.

Delilah asks me to join her for a quick touch-up, and I follow her. My heart pumps a little faster when I see that Delilah is in room three. She closes the door behind and spins around. “I know who you are and I don’t care,” she says quickly and checks the window. She must have seen Jase too. “I’ve never seen Jase as happy as he was the night he met you. Even after you left the way you did.” I recall the note I left on the table. I owed him a goodbye at least.