The Mechanics of Being Human (3 page)

The next day, Fawn was allowed to leave the hospital. She stood with her mom, who wore a maroon shirt and denim pants. With her round body and bright orange hair, she appeared more like a pumpkin than ever. Her dad fumbled in his jean pockets, searching for his keys. A white door adorned with the silver numbers 202 was in front of them. The smell of cigarettes drifted through the air, assaulting her nostrils. It must have come from one of the neighboring apartments and leaked underneath the door. Either that, or somebody had just been in the stairwell, smoking.

After her dad finally found his key, he opened the door. A wash of cold air from the air conditioner inside caressed her skin. Her mom draped her arm over Fawn's shoulder. She smelled something tangy and sweet, which overwhelmed the odor of smoke. A green fruit flashed in her mind with smooth green skin with juicy orange insides. Mango. Her mom smelled of mango. The scent soothed and calmed her for some reason. Maybe it was a flash of recognition. Then again, she could have just liked mangos.

"Come on, honey." Her mom applied gentle pressure to her shoulder blade.

Fawn let out a shaky sigh and took a step into the apartment. The first thing she noticed was it was cluttered with brown moving boxes. The second thing was it, like the hospital room, was painted white on white. As there was nothing to draw her eyes, she was uncertain of what to focus on. It was lifeless, like a body without a soul. Stormy gray carpet coated every inch of the living room expect for the connected kitchen, which had a cream tiled floor. The kitchen's counter tops were off-white granite and the cabinets were light brown. A couple of clean plates sat drying by the sink.

Shrugging off her mom's arm, Fawn stood in the middle of the living room next to the five foot high pile of boxes and stared out the window. A park with green grass and a brightly colored jungle gym could be seen nearby. Her throat grew thick, as it always seemed to when she was upset, then ran her fingers through her hair. Once again, she felt things were not right. Sirens went off in her head, almost as loud as the ones from the emergency vehicles after the fire. Her parents' boxes were filled with material goods, but their house burned down. Plus, her dad was a doctor, yet he rented a two-room apartment. She didn't know whether or not she was good at math, but she did know two plus two equaled four. A burned down house didn't mean stacks of boxes.

"Well?" Her dad sounded nervous. "What do you think, Fawn?"

"It isn't too bad." Fawn liked the view of the park, at least. She gazed at the boxes and bit her bottom lip. Should she mention her woes, or should she not? A great balloon was in her heart, swelling with confusion. Surely there was an acceptable explanation.

Her mom, following her gaze, wrapped her arm around Fawn's shoulder again and squeezed. She was now accustomed to the scent of mango, but this time, it didn't bring her comfort. It made her flinch away. It was too sweet, too overwhelming. The scent grabbed a hold of her nostrils and choked her, much like her emotions regarding the boxes.

"All of your things burned up in the fire." Her mom grinned at her. "How about tomorrow we go shopping? I'll buy you some new clothes and shoes."

"That would be nice." Fawn liked the idea of having clothes that didn't have holes in them. Her dad gave her hand-me-downs from a friend at the hospital to wear. Still, despite the excitement of having different clothes, the balloon didn't dispel air and she was left with pressure in her chest. "But, Mom, why do you have all of these things here, but I don't have anything at all?"

The air sparked with electricity. Her parents locked gazes and they stared at one another, fighting an internal wrestling match. She swore the two of them were projecting thoughts to one another.

Finally, her dad said, "I had a storage unit here. These things are all from when I went to college."

"Oh." The balloon popped, but unfortunately, the action took her pride along with it. She'd been wrong. Her parents weren't up to anything at all. "But why would you want to keep your things? Couldn't you just sell them? That way you wouldn't have to pay for a warehouse, and you could make money."

Her mom let out a shaky laugh and play punched her in the shoulder. "What's the matter with you, honey? You were never this paranoid before."

"Yeah. We didn't abduct you or anything. You're our real daughter," her dad said. "These old things have a lot of memories for me. You can't sell stuff like that. It would be like selling a part of your own soul."

Once again, silence fell. Fawn guessed it made sense her dad saved his old college things. Sometimes things became an extension of one‘s self. She'd already started to feel that way about some of the clothes she'd gotten. She nodded then forced a smile on her face. She felt ridiculous for bringing it up at all. It was obvious she distrusted them. Since she was basically starting at the beginning at reforming a bond with her parents, she didn't want them to dislike the
new
her. It would be like building a house on a cracked foundation.

"I'm sorry." Fawn smiled. "I guess I hoped you saved some things for me."

Her mom's face brightened. "But won't new things be nice? New clothes for new memories, right?"

Though Fawn didn't share her excitement, she wanted to get past the uncomfortable atmosphere and bobbed her head with feigned happiness. It wasn't hard. It seemed like she'd been doing a lot of acting. Her stomach sunk at the idea that she wasn't sure who to be when she wasn't acting. She just wanted her mom to keep smiling. Just because she was nervous didn't mean her mom had to be.

"We'll get a book bag too, though you won't be going to public school." Her mom sent her a piercing glance. "Not with how you are now."

How I am now.
The words made Fawn's heart burn as if it was covered in acid. She'd lost her memory, not sprouted extra arms or a second head. Yet her mom was right. She probably couldn't go back. Not like this. Though she received a flash of what school looked like, the swimming current of images she received were as foreign to her as China. Yet as much as she knew she shouldn't go to school, she wanted to be there. It would be nice to be with people her age. The idea she couldn't crushed her with disappointment.

"You're still awfully quiet." Her mom sounded sad. "I know. Why don't I get you one of your special dinners? You're probably just in need of a pick-me up."

The thought of the black ooze was as exciting to her as the idea of chewing off one of her fingers. She winced as her mom and dad entered the kitchen and followed after them. Her dad stood to one side while her mom opened the overhead cabinet. Her mom frowned, shook her head, then migrated to the other cabinet. When she opened it, lines and lines of unmarked cans glinted in the overhead light. All of those cans were her special meals, whatever that was. She had the distinct feeling it was liquid tar based on the consistency. She doubted it would be much different swallowing slugs.

Her mom put the silver can on the counter and Fawn gripped the cool can in her hand. When she popped the lid, the smell of grease permeated the air. When she pressed the cold rim of the can against her lips and swallowed, the slime oozed down her throat. Drinking it made her squirm because of the chunky consistency. After she put down the can, though, she felt better. Cleaner. It was like everything around her was in sharper focus.

"Thank you." Fawn gripped the can.

"I'm sorry you have to drink this stuff." Her dad frowned at her and then balanced his elbow on the counter. "Does it taste bad?"

"Not so much. It's the consistency that's horrible." Fawn stared at the can. "I drank this in the hospital too, but nobody told me why."

Her dad frowned at her. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this for a second time, Fawn, but you have a rare stomach condition called EARD. You can't digest normal food, so you have to have these drinks at mealtimes instead. It is pretty unfortunate. Nobody in our family has had stomach problems until you."

Her father put up another wall in front of her and the rest of the world. Her EARD was another reason why she was different from everyone else. The walls were closing in around her, making it hard to see straight. Maybe it was because there was just one more thing she didn't have in common with her family. She hoped soon she would find some parts of herself that were like her parents so she would feel less alone.

"Can I…" Fawn glanced out the window at the park. It was an escape route. "Can I maybe go for a walk? I want to look around and maybe get some air."

Her mom bit her bottom lip. "Are you sure it's a good idea when you can't remember anything?"

"For heaven's sake, Dee, she lost her memory, but she isn't stupid." A wide grin crossed her dad's face. "You're smarter than your mom and I put together. I think it's okay if you go. Just be back before ten o'clock, okay? Remember our new number?"

Fawn paused. Even though she could swear she hadn't been told the new number, seven digits flashed in her head. 459-768-5671. Maybe she did remember things from before after all, but then, why would she remember the number if it was new? She couldn't shake the thought from her mind as she headed toward the apartment door.

****

When Fawn sat by the playground and watched a plump little girl go down the slide in her chestnut-haired mom's lap, Fawn bit her bottom lip and straightened her back. She tried to picture herself, a young, beaming child, going down the slide with her own mom. It was hard to imagine. The memory was blurry, like she was watching a television with a bad connection. Still she wished she could recall the smallest remainders of a memory, even if it was a bad one.

As Fawn crossed her legs and balanced her chin on her knees, the sound of loud laughter and then squealing filled her ears. A second child, the identical twin of the one on the slide, walked out from beneath the purple stairs. She wore a dress of bright pink. It was almost the same outfit as the girl on the slide, only that girl's was a lime green.

Fawn expected the little girl to walk past her, but instead she approached. She leaned away, nervous. When the little girl grew closer, though, Fawn saw her own reflection in two massive blue eyes. When she stared into them, she received a flash of memory.

Fawn lay in the middle of a cold workshop. Everywhere around her sat rows upon rows of dusty boxes towering with greasy black equipment. A hammer lay on the cold metal table on her right, glistening beneath dim light. The hunched back of a man was to her left. Jax. He held a phone to his ear and his hands shook. He wore the same light leather jacket he'd given her in the forest.

"You don't understand," Jax said. "I have to protect Model 29 from Galliham."

There was the sound of garbled talking on the other side of the phone. It sounded panicked. Loud.

"No, the government can't ever know she exists." Jax's free fist shook with rage. "Do you know what they'll do to her? Endless tests. I don't want that for her."

Fawn watched him with wide eyes. She didn't feel anything. No confusion, no sea of sadness. Numbness. Yet her mind probed for information. As she watched, Jax gazed at her from across the room with a sad face. A grease streak was on his right cheek. His familiar scent, leather and grease, wafted over to her. She fought the need to touch him.

"I am not using her to replace my daughter, Oliver." Jax shuddered. "You've just…you've got to help me, okay? Please. I'll give you what you want. I know you need my help too."

Help him. Help him what? Fawn blinked and Jax went rigid. More garbled words burst from the phone and Fawn knew somehow the person asked, "What's wrong?"

"I swear she just moved, but she can't have. I didn't wake her up yet." Jax's jaw went rigid. Nervously, he scratched the back of his neck. "I know that's what she's here for, but she isn't fixed yet. She isn't even on. No power. Yeah…yeah…I know…"

Someone tugging at her sleeve drove her back to reality. Fawn blinked away her muddied thoughts and glanced down at the little girl who stood in front of her. The little girl smelled of strawberries and her teeth were crooked. Her cheeks appeared like cupcakes with freckle sprinkles. For one disturbing moment, she thought she was looking into the eyes of a cartoon character.

"You look sad," the little girl said. "Are you sad?"

Fawn debated being untruthful and saying, "No." There was a word for that, she realized. Lying. She wondered whether lying was bad. The way the word made her mouth taste sour told her it was. Would her old self have known right away what to do or say? Was her old self there anymore? As she frowned, she realized she didn't want to lie. It didn't matter what her old self would have done. She wasn't her old self any longer.

"Yes, I'm sad." Fawn frowned at her hands. The little girl placed her hand on Fawn's own. It was surprisingly warm. The heat traveled up her arm and all the way to her heart.

"I'm sorry you're sad. Do you know what helps me when I'm sad?" the little girl asked.

Fawn shook her head. She didn't even know what she did when she was sad. That fact made her feel even worse.

"I go down the slide. Sometimes I go with my sister, Candace, or Mommy." A big smile crossed the little girl's face. "Would you like to go down the slide with me? Maybe it will help you feel better."

Fawn glanced up at the playground and saw the mom of the little girl stood at the highest tower of the play place gazing at Fawn and the little girl. The mom didn't appear worried but cautious. When Fawn forced a smile on her face and nodded at her, she visibly relaxed. She went down the slide with the second twin, Candace. The sound of laughter could be heard all the way where Fawn sat.

Suddenly, Fawn wanted to be on the slide more than anything else in the entire world. She wanted to laugh like the girl and longed to know what such joy felt like. According to her blank memories, she'd never been on one before. Wouldn't a new experience be exciting for her? She glanced down at the little girl and offered her hand. The little girl took it and beamed at her. The little girl's cupcake cheek smile was impossible not to return.

"My name's Felicity, by the way." Felicity squeezed her hand. "You want to be friends?"

Friends. Fawn knew immediately friends were good. She also knew that, as far as she was aware, she didn't have any at all.

"I would love to be friends."

The glow of Felicity's eyes could have lit up the world's darkest night. In that instant, as Felicity tugged her while slipping and sliding through the lake of soft golden sand, Fawn knew everything was going to be all right. The veil of darkness in her heart lifted, revealing emotions so powerful and good she wished they would never leave. It was warmth, joy, and happiness. It energized and warmed her in a way drinking her black ooze never could. In that moment, as she scrambled up the steps after Felicity, she belonged somewhere. She was happy.

Fawn followed behind Felicity up to the highest tower where the twins' mom stood a moment before. She peered over the side of the slide and saw the mom stood at the bottom next to Candace, who piled sand into shapeless masses while sitting cross-legged on the ground. The woman eyed Fawn, an attentive lioness ready to spring at the first sign of danger. She ducked back, smiled down at Felicity, then watched as the little girl sat at the top of the slide. Without a moment of hesitation, the little girl pushed herself down, hooting and hollering as she gained speed. The girl made it to the bottom with her pudgy fists raised in triumph. She flew off the end like a super hero, but balanced herself before she fell by swinging her fists in a windmill motion.

Nervously, Fawn sat down at the top of the slide too, eyes wide. She could see the whole park from the top of the slide and, judging by the specks of the city in the far distance, everything else too. Amazing. She felt as though she had climbed the highest peak in the world and everything around her was ant-like specks. As she sat there, she could have done or been anything. Maybe there was something to not having memories after all. This feeling that so much was unexplored was incredible. Fulfilling.

"Come on," Felicity cried from down below.

Her little sister joined in with her identical, high-pitched cartoon voice. "Come on."

Soon both girls began to chant at the same time, "Come on, come on, come on." It sounded almost like a song.

Yeah, Fawn, come on.
With a smile, Fawn grasped the sides of the slide, then, imitating Felicity, gave herself a strong, hard push. She felt herself gain momentum, then the wind ran its cool fingers through her long strands of hair. The chilling air stung her eyes. As she whooshed down the slide and came to the end, she slid off the plastic and kept going. For a moment, she raised her hands as adrenaline gushed through her seconds before she hit the sand and rolled.

As Fawn lay on her back and stared at the sky, she tasted sand but didn't care. Felicity, Candace, and their mom hovered over her and stared at her face.

"Wow. You went fast. Way faster than I've ever gone." Felicity's eyes were huge. "Are you okay?"

Fawn was more than okay. She was warm and as bubbly as her mom's soda. She could not help but laugh. Soon Felicity and Candace laughed too. Even their mom, who appeared pale-face and tense about her presence, smiled. When Fawn finally stopped laughing five minutes later, Felicity offered her a hand to help her up, though there was no way she could because she was so tiny. It was like a cat helping a horse. Her mom must have realized this, because she offered a hand instead. Fawn took it and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet.

As Fawn glanced down at herself, she realized she was covered in a golden layer of sand. She wiped away the dirt with a smile. When she looked up, she saw Felicity's mom stared at her, eyes hungry with curiosity. Her eyes were blue and intense just like the girls' were. The woman offered Fawn her hand.

"My name is Remy," Felicity's mom said. "Yours?"

"Fawn." Fawn accepted Remy's hand and discovered it was warm and soft. It appeared Remy and her daughters' hands were the same. They were both plump with stubby fingers.

"You must be freezing." Remy frowned at her fingers. "Your hand's like ice."

Fawn shrugged, then glanced at the apartment. The thought of returning made her stomach plummet. She could feel the air was cold but didn't shiver. But she knew cold. She'd been cold that day she stumbled out of her house and her feet touched ground for the first time. She added her natural frigidness to her list of abnormal things about her life.

"Are you all right?" Remy asked. "You got a strange expression on your face all of the sudden."

"Fine." Fawn shrugged.

"I haven't seen you around here before." Remy looked her up and down. "You live at these apartments too?"

"My parents just moved here. Apartment 202." Fawn shrugged. "I was getting the feel of the place by walking around."

"Ah. So you're our neighbor." Remy crossed her arms and glanced at the apartment too. "We're apartment 204. You go to Jefferson High School? You look about the same age as my nephew, Gavin. Boy will he be thrilled when he finds out a cute girl like you moved next-door."

A sharp sting hit Fawn's heart like a rock. It was the sensation she wanted to hide from Remy. Embarrassment, she realized. She felt embarrassed, but she was glad Remy called her cute. Neither pleasure nor embarrassment overpowered one another, though one was good and one was bad. For some reason, this struck her as odd, though she should have been used to emotions after sixteen years of life.

"Well, I better get these little rascals off to bed." Remy cocked her head. "You heading back too? Or you going to stay out here and sit on the bench some more? It's not good for a girl like you to sit outside alone in the dark. This isn't a bad neighborhood, but things happen all the time to women. Just a few minutes ago, I saw a man staring up at our apartment wearing all black. He gave me the creeps because his eyes were so dark."

"I guess I'll go back to the apartment."

Though she said this, she fought the urge from running in the opposite direction. The apartment didn't feel like home. She wasn't sure what did. The workshop, maybe. Not being able to find where she belonged caused her heart to burn like it was covered in acid. But she didn't have much choice. She must head back to her parents.

"Come on." Remy nodded toward the building. "Let's walk back together."

When Fawn stepped forward to head back to the apartment, Felicity grabbed her hand and beamed up at her. As they walked, a dark male figure hovered at the side of the apartment building and seeing him made Fawn do a double take. The moment she focused on him, he disappeared. She strained her eyes, trying to figure out where the man went. It was like he'd dissolved into the cracks on the ground.