The New Male Sexuality (21 page)

As we compared sex with his late wife and with Emma, two differences came to light. His wife used to stimulate his penis with her hand during most of their sex play, and Emma rarely did and never for long. The other difference had to do with time. In their later years together, most of the lovemaking with his wife had been in the morning. Because Emma had several times said she was “a night person,” Wendall never initiated sex with her except at night.

Wendall had been vaguely aware of both differences before he talked with me, but he didn’t give them the weight they deserved. His penis was clearly a “morning person” and required sustained, direct stimulation. He was somewhat surprised: “You mean that’s all it would take, sex in the mornings and some hand work from her?” I said I couldn’t be sure, but it was certainly worth a try. He left the session a bit skeptical but promised he would talk to Emma about trying the new regimen. Three weeks later he called to say that although his penis wasn’t as young as it used to be, the new routine had worked well enough for them to have enjoyable intercourse several times.

Another common condition is the ability to be present; this is the opposite of being preoccupied or spaced out. These days many people are preoccupied by work. Although they’re at home, their minds are still going over what happened at work and what they have to do there the next day. This preoccupation about and stress over work can lessen one’s desire for sex and also cause functional problems.

What can help with these situations is engaging in a transition activity, doing something—physical exercise, taking a relaxing bath or reading, playing with the kids—that allows you to put work aside and get into a
more relaxed frame of mind. The exact nature of the activity is irrelevant as long as it achieves the goal of opening you up to be present with your partner.

It was clear, for example, that obsessing and stressing about work was causing Trevor to lose interest in sex and to start having erection problems. Both he and his wife were upset about this. When I asked him what would help him say good-bye to work for the day, he replied, “Physical exercise and a hot shower.” They agreed that when he came home he would turn to these transition activities immediately after giving his wife a hug. He brought his stationary bike in from the garage and put it in front of the TV; the next day he hopped on it when he came home. After a half hour on the bike, he took a warm bath and came downstairs to his wife. “It was like a different person; he was more relaxed and present than I’d seen him in a long time,” she reported. Thus Trevor started a habit that is still going strong after more than ten years. The sex problems disappeared shortly after he started on the new program.

Your conditions may or may not be similar to the ones I’ve mentioned above, but that’s not the point. What
is
important is that you find out what you need and then get it.

Before offering an exercise that can help you determine your specific conditions, I want to mention a difficulty you may encounter. Like Brad, Rob, and myself, you may find yourself coming up with things you wish weren’t true. Your conditions may strike you as strange, unmanly, old-fashioned, or something else you don’t like. Despite this, it is best to write them out and give some thought to them. The vast majority of times, one’s conditions are acceptable to one’s partner. In general, conditions are much easier to accept and fulfill than to change. With the exception of the rare instance where your conditions involve harm or pain to you or your partner, chances are excellent that, no matter how new or unusual they seem to you at first, you can learn to accept and meet them.

Since what follows is the first exercise I offer in this book, a few words about exercises may be helpful. Although reading can by itself provide you with new information, years of experience with different kinds of self-help materials and psychotherapies have shown that
doing something
, even just writing lists or keeping a diary, is essential for making the kinds of personal changes most people want to make. And that’s why I offer exercises.

The best way to deal with an exercise is first to read it carefully one or more times, along with the material that comes before and after it, and make sure you understand what is required. If, after doing this, it seems that an exercise might be useful to you, then just follow the directions.

In this exercise, I use the example of increasing arousal (passion, excitement). But it can be done with any other sexual issue; increasing sexual interest, delaying ejaculations, having and maintaining erections, experiencing more pleasure, and so on. All you need to do is substitute the appropriate word or phrase for
arousal
when reading and doing the exercise.

EXERCISE 6-1: CONDITIONS

Compare two or three sexual experiences in which you were highly aroused with an equal number where you were much less aroused and list all the factors that differ between the two groups. An example might be: “High arousal—I was rested, felt close to Cindy, wasn’t preoccupied with work, wasn’t in a hurry. Low arousal—I was feeling distant from Cindy, was preoccupied and in a hurry (once I was so involved in a sales talk I had to give the next day that I kept going over it in my mind while I was caressing her and couldn’t wait to get back to my typewriter), or was exhausted (like that time I had just flown in from Europe and had crossed five or six time zones; I was totally out of it).” The items in the high-arousal list are your conditions. It’s important to be as specific as possible. If you have not had any high-arousal experiences, or if it is difficult to recall them in sufficient detail, use your imagination and list those things you think would be necessary and helpful to be more turned on
.

Whether you use real-life comparisons or your imagination, consider all these areas: your physical health; amount of anxiety or tension; use of alcohol and other drugs; how much time you felt you had; whether you were preoccupied with other matters; fears about performance, pregnancy, and disease; your feelings about your partner, especially closeness, anger, or resentment; your feelings about yourself; your confidence that you would not be put down no matter what happened
.

When you have finished with your list, put it away for a day or two, then reread it and see if there is anything you want to change. Now go through each item and reword it so that it is specific enough to be put into practice
.

Let’s say one of your items is “Need to make love earlier. After 10
P.M.
I’m tired and into my work mode, thinking about what I’m going to do at the office tomorrow.” So what has to happen to make love earlier? Two obvious possibilities come to mind. One is that you talk to your partner and let her know that having sex earlier will make it easier for you to get turned on and result in more pleasure for both of you. The two of you may then need to think about how and when lovemaking can take place. A second possibility is that you decide for yourself how to initiate sex earlier. For example: “When I get turned on at work, I can call Jan and let her know. If she’s up for sex, we can send the kids out to play when we get home, and then take them to McDonald’s.”

An alternative way of doing this exercise is simply to make a list, over a period of days or weeks, of things you’d like in sex that you’re not getting. You should consult both your erotic fantasies and past experiences with your current partner or with others. Are there things you used to do that you miss? Are there things in your fantasies that you’d like to try?

The importance of being specific in your conditions cannot be overemphasized. If they are worded too vaguely, you won’t be able to put them into practice. Take all the time you need to determine what your conditions are and how you can fulfill them
.

Mario, an ambitious and hardworking lawyer in his mid-thirties, was troubled by sporadic rapid ejaculation. I worked on the exercise with him, and this is what we came up with.

Need to feel Sue wants to have sex with me. I sometimes feel she’s just doing it to please me and that makes me tense, which in turn makes me come fast. I’d know she wanted sex if she initiated it, if she said she wanted it, if she physically and verbally indicated her enjoyment, or if she played an active role in physically stimulating me.

Need to know she won’t be upset if I do come quickly. Only way I can get this is to talk with her and see if it’s okay to come fast sometimes.

Need to be more focused on how aroused or nervous I am during sex. Then I can make the adjustments needed to last longer. A good way to do that is to focus solely on my own pleasure, what I’m doing and feeling. Have to keep in mind to focus on me, not her.

This is a good list, because it is comprehensive and indicates not only what things are needed but also considers ways of getting them.

Here’s another list, this one from a man whose main goal was simply to enjoy sex more:

I want to be able to express my “adventurous” ideas, but in order to do that I’d like to know she’s not put off when I do it. She’s told me it’s okay, but sometimes she gets what I take to be a funny look—like
when I suggested she tell me one of her fantasies while we were having sex—that makes me feel ashamed and wish I had kept my mouth shut.

Also I’d like to know that she’s not put off by my expressions of pleasure. As I’ve become more open, I’ve started to do things that sometimes surprise even me. Like the other night when she was giving me head, I totally got lost in it and realized later that I had panted like crazy and screamed at the top of my lungs. I think it’s okay with her, but I’d feel better if I knew for sure.

As this man’s situation shows clearly, just knowing your conditions may not be enough. You may have to talk with your partner to determine her feelings about certain activities and expressions or to ask her to do or not to do certain things. I discuss effective ways of expressing your needs and desires in
Chapters 10
and
11
.

BETTER SEX

CHAPTER SEVEN

On the Road to Better Sex