The New Male Sexuality (22 page)

Had enough bad love. I need something I can feel proud of
.
—Eric Clapton

“This is starting to sound complex,” many of you might be saying about now. “Why can’t sex be simple?” Sex
is
simple … for simple creatures with limited goals. Our primate cousins, for example, apparently have sex mainly to induce male ejaculation and conception. Their sex is very brief—a few thrusts and it’s all over—but effective in its narrow aims. We humans could have the same kind of simple sex if we were willing to settle for the same modest ends.

But most of the time we want a lot more. In fact, our goals are quite expansive. We want to satisfy ourselves and our partners (and that satisfaction may be defined differently at different times by each individual), to bring us closer together (to
make
love), to validate our sense of masculinity and femininity, to reflect and generate feelings of excitement and passion, and, for some people, to produce a mystical experience. This is asking quite a bit from what looks like a simple physical activity. The large goals we have in mind for sex make it a lot more complicated than just sticking your thing in her thing and thrusting until you come. A lot is wanted, a lot is at stake. When things reach this level, we are very far from doing what comes naturally and equally far from something that’s easy and simple.

The desire to have sexual intercourse is wired into us, but we are equipped with the tools, both physical and mental, to have a more elaborate and interesting kind of sexuality. Developing and using those tools, adding the embellishments that make human sexuality so much more fascinating and satisfying than that of other animals, is the product of intention, effort, and learning. We have already started on the road to better sex
in the first section of the book. The chapters in this section continue on that path and focus more directly on what is required. Here are what I consider to be the major requirements for having good sex, which can mean enhancing an already satisfying sex life, making a not-so-interesting sex life more pleasurable and passionate, or overcoming a sex problem.

THE REQUIREMENTS FOR GREAT SEX

1.
Having the kind of relationship in which good sex can flourish
. If you’re like most men I’ve worked with, this one is surprising. They thought I was about to address new intercourse positions or how to find her G-spot and, what a bummer, I’m talking about relating. Like it or not, a good relationship is the basis of all good sex unless your only interest is a one-night stand. Whether your relationship lasts a month or fifty years, what goes on in it aside from sex heavily influences how sex goes. Relationship issues are typically seen as something more important to women than to men, but they are also crucial to men. For there to be good sex over time, or even good sex at any time, there has to be attention, friendship, liking, respect, and trust. There also has to be the ability to quickly and effectively deal with differences of opinion and conflicts. Sex usually suffers when there is tension, hostility, or distance. Much of the material in subsequent chapters deals with aspects of relating. You will do yourself a big favor by paying close attention to this material.

2. Being able to communicate verbally and nonverbally about all kinds of things, including sex.
An essential component of a good relationship is the ability to communicate generally and sexually. One of women’s main complaints about men is our unwillingness to express our feelings, our likes and dislikes. Regarding sex, you need to be able to express your wants and don’t-wants, your questions and concerns, and your pleasure, and you need to be able to listen to and understand what your partner is expressing.

One reason you need to be able to communicate is that sex with another person involves physical coordination of a kind that’s rare anywhere else. Let’s compare masturbation with partner sex to illustrate this point. Our bodies are the most sophisticated feedback systems ever built. When you touch your own body, the process is automatic, self-correcting, and extremely efficient. Continuous feedback between your penis, your brain,
and your hand allows the brain to automatically move your hand to achieve the results you want.

Now let’s move to your partner stimulating your penis with her hand. Suddenly things are much more complex. Your feedback mechanism still works—you know to what extent you’re getting what you want—but your mate isn’t part of it. To include her in the feedback loop, you must bring into awareness and put into words what by yourself was done without words and without conscious awareness. “Move your hand up … too far … down a bit more … that’s right, and a little harder … a little faster … that’s good … harder now … faster … that’s great” and so on. You even have to tell her when to stop stimulating, because she may stop sooner than you want or not soon enough.

The complications increase with other acts. In oral sex, you may have to inform your partner that her teeth are hurting you, that she should apply more or less pressure with her mouth and hand, or that you want her to take more of your penis in her mouth. With a partner, you may want—and she almost certainly wants—certain kinds of stimulation that you ordinarily can’t or don’t do by yourself (hugging, kissing, touching nongenital areas, expressing feelings orally, and so on). With masturbation, you can do it or not do it, or start and then abruptly change your mind and go do something else. With a partner, you have to inform her of what is happening. And since the two of you won’t always be in agreement as to what should be done, there has to be a way of expressing and dealing with the discrepant desires. Partner sex also carries baggage that masturbation usually does not. If you decide not to masturbate today or for the next ten weeks, or if you decide to masturbate every single day, it’s unlikely that issues of love, desirability, or adequacy come into play. It’s no big deal whatever you do. But with a partner, things are a bit different. Being able to talk, listen, understand, and negotiate are absolutely essential.

3. Understanding your own needs and preferences generally and sexually and being able to assertively express them
. Read on to understand the balancing act that’s required.

4. Learning, understanding, and being sensitive to her needs and preferences and being willing to fulfill them
. I know, it sounds like there is a contradiction between #3 and #4, but there really isn’t.

Being only self-centered or only sensitive does not work. The man who only goes after what he wants and pays little attention to his partner will
end up alone or with a very unhappy partner. The man who focuses solely on his partner’s needs will not get what he wants and therefore be unhappy, and his partner may well be dissatisfied because she’s not feeling his strength.

In days of old, sex was mainly an act of male assertiveness. Having an orgasm inside a woman was what he wanted, and it was far from clear what she might want or what he might be able to do for her. Many men thought women wanted nothing in sex but engaged in it only because they wanted something else that sex could bring—conception, a steady boyfriend, a happy husband—or because they had been tricked into it. For men who weren’t cads, the main aspect of sensitivity was not harming the woman—in other words, treating her gently and using protection against pregnancy and disease.

The view of women as nonsexual came increasingly under attack in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, until it was finally accepted that women are indeed sexual creatures. Men should strive not only for their own satisfaction but also for their partner’s. Since men were still seen as more sexual than women, and since they had more leeway to gain experience, it was their task to open up women to the joys of sex.

The research of Kinsey and that of Masters and Johnson added influence to this view, showing that women were capable of not only enjoying sex but also of orgasm, maybe more orgasms than men. This was an important step forward, but one result was that men felt more pressured to perform because somehow the message was that they had to “give” their partners orgasms. Some men became so focused on ensuring their partner’s pleasure that they forgot about their own.

In the new male sexuality I hope we are constructing, the satisfaction of both partners is paramount. The man has to assert his own wants and preferences, but also be sensitive to his partner’s. It is not his job to give her orgasms, but it is in his interest to understand her desires and to fulfill them to the best of his abilities. It behooves men to learn as much as they can about the similarities and differences between the sexes, a topic I address in
Chapter 8
.

Being assertive and self-focused is just another way of saying that you know your conditions, go after them, and thoroughly involve yourself in your own pleasure. You want sex now, so you try to interest your partner. You like to kiss this way, so that’s what you do. You like to touch her breasts that way, so you do it. You like intercourse in such a position, so that’s what you go for. And while doing these things, you’re immersed in your sensations and experience, fully present and alive to what is happening. A
good lover is assertive in these ways. He knows what he wants, or is willing to find out, and he goes after it without apology or guilt.

But a good lover is also sensitive to his partner’s needs. You notice if she doesn’t seem interested in exactly what you want or suggests something else, and you’re flexible enough to try to combine both of your desires to make for a mutually satisfying experience. And you don’t use guilt or other types of coercion to get what you want. A good lover is attentive to his partner’s breath, sounds, and movements, and notices what works and doesn’t work for her. He also listens carefully when she says what she likes. If she doesn’t spontaneously voice her likes and dislikes, he asks. Bad lovers don’t ask, don’t listen, and don’t remember.

A good lover takes the time and energy to use his knowledge to make sure his partner enjoys sex as much as he does. He also knows that sex isn’t necessarily over when he’s satisfied. Maybe she wants something more. A good lover would not be open to the charge a woman made about her new boyfriend: “He’s one of these selfish or unconscious men. When he comes, it’s all over. I have to go, ‘Knock, knock, can I have a turn, too?’ ” A good lover is also sensitive enough not to pressure his partner to perform to boost his ego.

It
is
difficult, perhaps impossible, to be both sensitive and self-absorbed at the same time. The trick is to be able to be both, but at different times. If you want her to go down on you, for instance, ask her to. That’s being assertive. But if she says no, accept the no with good grace and find out what else you two can do. If she never wants to stimulate you orally and that kind of stimulation is important to you, talk to her about it and see if something can be worked out. If she wants you to go down on her, you hear her request and then either do as she wants, say you don’t feel like it now, or tell her what your objection is and work something out. If you want her to initiate more, you say so, but you also listen sympathetically if she tells you why this is difficult.

There can be times when sex is mainly for her and times when it’s mainly for you. During these times, there should be no problem knowing what to do. If it’s for you, then get into your self-absorbed mode and get exactly what you want. If it’s for her, then focus entirely on what she wants.

Of course, there are other times when it’s mainly for both of you. This requires some shifting back and forth. Perhaps you like to kiss her breasts quite hard, but she likes that only after some softer touching and kissing. So you would do it the way she wants until she’s ready for you to do it your way. If she likes slow and gentle intercourse and you prefer it fast and
furious, you could do it her way for a while, then your way. Or there can be occasions where intercourse is done her way, other times when it’s done your way.

We have already started on the self-centered side by determining your conditions in
Chapter 6
.
Chapter 11
deals with how to get them met and how to be assertive in your communications. In that chapter and in most of the ones that follow, I switch back and forth between the two poles of sexual happiness: assertiveness and sensitivity. I realize it’s a bit of a balancing act, both for you as reader and me as writer, and for all of us in real life. But it is a balancing act that must be mastered if we are to have truly wonderful sex.

5. Accurate information about your own sexuality, about your partner’s, and about sex itself
. This means getting away from the myths and unrealistic expectations discussed in the first section of the book and being able to learn about your own sexuality and that of your partner. Much of the material in the following chapters is designed to help you garner the information you need.

6. Having or developing an orientation based on pleasure (arousal, love, lust, and fun) rather than performance.
In other words, holding to some version of the definition of good sex given in
Chapter 3
and being willing to work and focus on arousal (excitement, passion), the key to good erotic feelings.

IT’S OKAY TO BE WHO YOU ARE

It is important that you try to enjoy the journey to better sex and that you feel as good as possible about yourself as you undertake it. Being a man, I’m well aware that sometimes it feels like we’re made out to be the bad guys: everything we do is unhealthy and wrong, everything we want is somehow not the right thing.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with men’s style in love and sex or with women’s style. The problem is that there are differences, and we’re all going to have to learn about one another and to accommodate the differences. There’s always room in all of us for change and growth.

We men have taken a lot of heat in recent years for our attitudes about sex. We are told that we are obsessed with sex, especially sex without love and commitment; that we push too hard for it and in inappropriate ways
in both new and old relationships; and that we pout when we don’t get what we want. Such attitudes, we are told, are immature and maybe downright sick. But I think the criticisms themselves are wrongheaded and destructive. Males can’t help having their attitudes, which are probably due at least as much to physiology as to learning. Sex, after all, is life-affirming, and there’s no point in feeling bad about that.