The New Male Sexuality

PRAISE FOR

THE NEW MALE SEXUALITY

“The updated edition contains truly everything there is to know about male sexuality, absolutely up-to-date, written simply, clearly, and with humor.”

—Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., author of
For Yourself
and
Going the Distance

“A
must
for any woman who wants to better understand male sexuality, and any man who knows there is more to know. In his clear non-judgmental style, Bernie Zilbergeld delivers information and shared insights that will touch your heart, occasionally crack you up, and have you see the essence of men and their sexuality with fresh eyes.”

—L. Lou Paget, author of
How To Be a Great Lover

“Wonderfully comprehensive and helpful … Presents an exciting new model of human sexuality.”

—Howard Ruppel, Jr., Ph.D., Executive Director, Society for the Scientific Study of Sex and Executive Director, American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists

“This new and updated edition is a masterpiece. It shows a profound understanding of sexuality, intimacy and relationships. Dr. Zilbergeld has masterfully woven in the most current facts and findings.”

—Arnold A. Lazarus, Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of Psychology Emeritus, Rutgers University

“Dr. Zilbergeld’s book contains information on all the new medical advances in treatment of sexual problems, plus excellent insights into the relationship and emotional issues involved. It will be very useful both to health professionals and to men and their partners seeking to help themselves.”

—Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, University of Missouri, and author of
Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women

“A ‘must-read’ … The
definitive
guide to male sexuality!”

—Sandra Leiblum, Ph.D., Co-director, Sexual Counseling Service, Robert Wood Johnson Medical School

“Bernie Zilbergeld’s
Male Sexuality
was a great, pioneering book, but in
The New Male Sexuality
he has definitely surpassed it.”

—Albert Ellis, Ph.D., President, Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy

“The best and most up-to-date resource for men who want to understand and enjoy their sexuality.”

—Richard C. Reznichek, M.D., Assistant Clinical Professor of Surgery/Urology, UCLA

“This is an excellent self-help book and information source for men of all ages. It is a guide to breaking out of the old, restrictive model of male sexuality. It is a treatise for becoming a richer and more humane person.”

—
Contemporary Psychology

“The best practical guide I’ve seen for anyone—male or female, young or old, coupled or single—who wants better relationships and better sex.”

—Sandra L. Caron, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Family Relations/Human Sexuality, University of Maine

“Bernie Zilbergeld has done it again. He has written another comprehensive and up-to-date book with a great combination of theoretical and practical knowledge. I recommend it highly for men seeking good information on sexual matters.”

—Ira D. Sharlip, M.D., Pan Pacific Urology, San Francisco Secretary, Society for the Study of Impotence, Inc.

“For years, I have prescribed to
The New Male Sexuality
for my patients with sexual dysfunction and their partners, with fabulous feedback. Recently our understanding of erectile dysfunction and its treatment has evolved dramatically. Bernie Zilbergeld takes a great book and incorporates this new knowledge into an up-to-date guide that provides useful information for every man and woman, which will be relevant and beneficial well into the twenty-first century.”

—Ken Goldberg, M.D., founder and director of the Male Health Institute and author of
When the Man You Love Won’t Take Care of His Health

“This book will be an aid for helping men and women get along better sexually and more sensitively. It dispels many harmful myths, it is a peaceful, and informed approach to very delicate subject matter. No man who wants to understand himself and his partner should be without this book.”

—John Gottman, Ph.D., Professor, University of Washington, and author of
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

“This book sets a new standard in popular books on male sexuality. Dr. Zilbergeld brings a lifetime of experience to bear on the subject, and has provided men of all ages a well-balanced, and completely up-to-date perspective on the topic. It is must-reading for anyone with questions or concerns about the subject.”

—Raymond C. Rosen, Ph.D., author of
Sexuality in Modern Life
and
Patterns of Sexual Arousal

THE NEW MALE SEXUALITY—REVISED EDITION

A Bantam Book
PUBLISHING HISTORY
Bantam hardcover edition published July 1992
Bantam paperback edition published June 1993
Bantam revised trade paperback edition / July 1999

All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1992, 1999 by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D.
Charts copyright © 1999 by John Buffum, Pharm. D., BCPP.

Book design by Tanya Pérez-Rock

eBook ISBN: 978-0-30780541-6
Trade Paperback ISBN: 978-0-553-38042-2

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information address: Bantam Books.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Zilbergeld, Bernie.
The new male sexuality / Bernie Zilbergeld.—Rev. ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-553-38042-2
1. Sex instruction for men. 2. Sex role. 3. Masculinity.
I. Title.
HQ36.Z55 1999 99-12946
613.9′6′081—dc21 CIP

Published simultaneously in the United States and Canada

Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words “Bantam Books” and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, 1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036.

v3.1

For Ian, with love

and the hope that the boys and girls of your generation
will grow up to enjoy a safer, saner, more loving,
and more fulfilling sexuality

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

1. The Making of Anxious Performers

2. It’s Two Feet Long, Hard as Steel, and Will Knock Your Socks Off: The Fantasy Model of Sex

SEXUAL REALITY

3. What Is This Thing Called Sex?

4. What Is This Thing Called a Penis?

5. Am I Normal or What?

6. Your Conditions for Good Sex

BETTER SEX

7. On the Road to Better Sex

8. Some Things You Should Know About Women

9. What Is This Thing Called Relating, and Who Needs It, Anyway?

10. Expressing Yourself

11. The Power of Asserting Yourself

12. How to Be a Better Listener

13. Tools for Dealing with Conflict

14. Touching

15. Sexual Arousal

16. Sexually Stimulating a Woman

17. Sex and the Single Man

RESOLVING PROBLEMS

18. Getting the Most from Your Self-Help Program

19. Getting Your Mind on Your Side

20. Developing Ejaculatory Control

21. Resolving Erection Problems: Medical Options

22. Resolving Erection Problems with Sex Therapy

23. Surrogate Partner Therapy

24. Resolving Problems of Sexual Desire and Frequency

Appendix: The Effects of Drugs on Male Sexuality

References

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Introduction

This book is for any man or woman who wants to know more about the sexual development, thoughts, feelings, behavior, and potential of men. It’s for those in relationships and those not, those currently having sex with a partner and those who aren’t. It’s for those who want information, those who want advice and exercises on how to make sex better, and those who want help in resolving sexual problems.

For men interested in love and sex—and I assume that means virtually all of us—these are challenging yet exciting times. They’re
challenging because masculinity itself seems to be under attack. We are told over and over that we are overly aggressive, unexpressive, and insensitive brutes who think with our genitals and don’t have any idea of what real life is about. For those who don’t fit this description, well, they’re just passive wimps who have neither balls nor a clue as to what real life is about. After all, what do you expect of a man?

Challenging because all the other rules of relating and sex have gone the way of the dinosaur. I was reminded of this by a fifty-two-year-old client who was dating again after the death of his wife. He was “shaken to the roots,” as he put it, by the behavior of a woman he had had three dates with. She took the lead in every way. She was the one who asked for the first date, initiated the first kiss, invited him to spend the night, and orchestrated every move of their sexual activity.