The New Male Sexuality (7 page)

The absence of sex problems in the media, especially in men, is unfortunate because it plays into the larger fiction discussed in
Chapter 1
, that men don’t have personal problems of any kind. Because having personal problems means a man doesn’t have it all together, men are much less willing
than women to acknowledge such difficulties and get help for them. The whole thing gets magnified dramatically when it comes to sex. This makes it extremely difficult for a man to discuss with a new partner or even a long-term mate that he’s concerned about his desire, arousal, erections, or early ejaculations. The usual case when a couple comes for sex therapy is that even if the problem is primarily the man’s, he’s there only because the woman dragged him in. He doesn’t want to acknowledge the problem; he’d prefer that the whole matter just go away. Needless to say, this only makes the therapy more difficult and the chances of a successful outcome less likely.

The reality is that men have as many personal problems as women, including problems with sex. But because it’s so fraught with meaning if a man has a difficulty, he’s in an incredible bind. Not being able to acknowledge it means he can’t try to resolve it on his own or with his partner. She knows there’s a problem but can’t get him to acknowledge it, which puts her in a bind as well. It doesn’t take long before the partners are distant and the relationship deteriorates. This is sad, because in the majority of these cases the problem could have been easily dealt with, if only it could have been confronted.

Obviously, this myth works against being able to talk about sex. This is unfortunate, because we know that talking about sex leads to better sex. People who have good sex say that you need to be able to speak your preferences and desires (that is, your feelings), to ask for changes, and so on. This is one of the main keys to sexual happiness.

The ability to talk is also important in another way. In many relationships there’s less sex than the man wants precisely because his partner feels the absence of connection. He doesn’t listen to her or talk to her, so she feels estranged and isn’t receptive when he comes on to her.

MYTH 3: ALL TOUCHING IS SEXUAL OR SHOULD LEAD TO SEX

Boys and girls learn different things about touching, and men and women use touch in different ways. Women tend to see touching as a goal in itself; that is, they hug in order to hug, not in order to get someplace else. For men, touching is more often a means to an end; hugging is a part of the foreplay to sex.

As a result, misunderstandings and conflicts over touch are common.

SHE
: Why can’t we just touch sometimes without having to go on to sex?

HE
: But touching turns me on, and I want sex. What’s wrong with that?

Touching soothes us, makes us feel loved and supported, makes us feel good. Readers in their late and middle years may recall how wonderful it felt when they were hospitalized (which in general didn’t feel good at all) and got a nightly back rub from a nurse. As one who had several such experiences, I remember thinking that those back rubs did more for me than most of the medicines I was receiving. Unfortunately, nurses’ back rubs have gone the way of the horse and buggy, and many patients feel worse as a result.

The idea that touching is sexual is so deeply ingrained that many men don’t consider having physical contact unless it is part of or going to lead to sex. Women complain about not getting as much touching as they want, but they aren’t the only ones being deprived. Men need touching, if only they knew it, and cheat themselves as well. If sex isn’t possible—because of illness, a sexual problem, or something else—touching becomes even more important as a source of support and bonding. But many men don’t see this and distance themselves physically from their partners in times of trouble.

There are many times when all we need is a hug or to be held. It’s ridiculous to go through a whole sexual act to get that. And we go through other acts as well to get touched. Many women point out a hidden purpose for the wrestling that men often engage in with their children. As one puts it clearly: “He can’t ask for a touch or a hug, not from me or the boys. So he wrestles with them and with me. Seems like a lot of sweat and effort just to get a hug. Must be terrible to be a man.”

This myth robs us of the joys of “just” touching, confuses us as to what we want, and puts pressure on us to be sexual whenever we touch or are touched.

MYTH 4: A MAN IS ALWAYS INTERESTED IN AND ALWAYS READY FOR SEX

As I indicated in the last chapter, sexual interest and activity are part of the model of manhood we learn. A real man is someone who’s always
interested in sex and ready for it. Here’s an example from a novel about a man’s needs:
“Ike Vesper had had his fill of girlie magazines. Ten weeks without a woman was nine weeks and six days too long.” Poor guy! And from another novel:

Now all Alexis wanted was to be inside a woman. Nothing gave him more pleasure than fucking women, in every way. He had all three of them, going from one to the other in every position imaginable. Juju begged to be sodomized and the two women prepared her, for Alexis’s sheer size would have ripped her apart had she not been helped. Before he left the bed he had filled each of them with his sperm.

Having to be ever eager for sex makes it difficult for a man to refuse a sexual invitation. If someone within five miles is interested in sex, far be it from him to say no. Not being able to say no leads to trouble, because there’s nothing more likely to result in a sex problem than having sex when you’re not interested.

A young man came to see me years ago about an erection problem. He was telling me about his latest failure, a woman he had been with a few nights before. I asked him to think back if he really wanted to have sex with her. He thought about it awhile and then admitted he didn’t. I asked what he would have preferred. He said his muscles were sore from moving furniture that day and a back rub would have been really nice. So I asked why he didn’t ask her for one. He looked at me as if I was crazy and blurted out: “How could I have asked her for a back rub? It was our first date. I hardly knew her!”

Since that story was published in my book
Male Sexuality
, a number of men I’ve seen have said that reading it made them think about themselves. They realized there were times when they wanted physical affection (usually having to do with getting comfort) but had problems getting it without having sex.

One man related to me what happened when he lost his job:

I felt utterly crushed. I’d been riding on top of the world for several years, pulling in more bucks than I imagined possible. I felt so proud about giving my family that great new house and all the other goodies. And now we were going to lose it all. I felt like nothing. I realized later that what I needed was for my wife to take me in her arms and hold and rock me, just like my mother used to do. To let me know she
loved me and that things would be okay. But I didn’t know this then. All I could think of was to have a few drinks and go home and make love with her. The sex wasn’t bad, it helped, but I know it would have been better had I not had the drinks, but just told her what happened and let her hold me.

The reality is that no one is always interested in any one activity. Of course there are times when a man would rather read or sleep or walk or talk or be comforted than have sex. Too bad it’s so hard to admit this.

This myth also puts tremendous pressure on young men to be sexual as early as possible. But why should a boy get into sex if he isn’t interested or ready? Some young men won’t be ready to have sex with a partner until they’re out of college. Too bad they and their friends can’t see there’s nothing wrong with this.

If you aren’t ready to talk to someone about sex and if you aren’t ready to ask them for a back rub or a hug, you’re definitely not ready to have good sex with them.

MYTH 5: A REAL MAN PERFORMS IN SEX

You’ve got to have good equipment and you’ve got to use it right. Sex isn’t mainly for enjoyment or to express love or caring or lust; it’s mainly to prove that you’re a man. This performance orientation explains why men are so much into measurements. If sex is to enjoy and express personal feelings, then you just do and enjoy. But if you’re into proving something, then you have to know how you measure up. How big is it, how long did it last, how many orgasms were there? The performance orientation also explains why some men brag about sex to their friends. What’s the point of a great performance if no one knows about it?

The quote from Harold Robbins earlier in the chapter is one kind of great performance. Here’s another one, from Erica Jong’s best-seller
Parachutes and Kisses:

He heaped the pillows in front of her for her to lean on, and cupping her breasts, he took her from behind, ramming her harder than before. Her cunt throbbed, ached, tingled. She screamed for him to ram her even harder, to smack her, to pound her.…

She had never come before in this position—but when she did, it was as if thirty-nine years of comes were released and she howled and
growled like an animal—whereupon he was aroused beyond containment and he began to come with a pelvis and cock gone wild, pounding her fiercely, filling her with come.

Whew! I get tired just reading this stuff.

One fascinating fact is that fictional accounts of sex almost invariably depict male
performance
and female
pleasure
. He
acts
(rams, pounds, thrusts, bangs) and she
feels
(“unbearable pleasure,” “overwhelming joy,” “delirious ecstasy”)—the usual male-female dichotomy. Although she sometimes performs (she too can thrust and bang), it’s rarely clear what he feels and experiences. It’s as if his feelings and pleasure are beside the point.

Now let’s look at the main performance specifications.

MYTH 6: SEX IS CENTERED ON A HARD PENIS AND WHAT’S DONE WITH IT

The adolescent male’s fixation on his penis remains constant throughout life. When men think of sex, they think of what they can do with, or what can be done to, their erections. That’s what it’s all about. And not any old penis or erection will do. Men have a set of specifications for what’s required.

Size:
Penises in fantasyland come in only three sizes: large, extra large, and so big you can’t get them through the door. “Massive,” “huge,” and “enormous” are commonly mentioned in fiction.
“She reached inside his pants and freed his huge erection.” “He was so big that she could not reach her fingers all around him.” Sometimes we get numbers: “She swears that her Italian singer’s cock is over ten inches long.” In Mario Puzo’s
Godfather
, Sonny Corleone’s main claim to fame is the possession of the biggest cock in the known universe. Here’s the experience of one of his many lovers with it: “Her hand closed around an enormous, blood-gorged pole of muscle. It pulsated in her hand like an animal and almost weeping with grateful ecstasy she pointed it into her own wet, turgid flesh.”

Not only are penises huge to begin with, they can get still bigger during intercourse.
“She wailed in hot flooding ecstasy. It went on and on, one climax after another, and as Craig’s penis lengthened unbelievably, his semen erupting within her, she wailed again, this time in unison with him.” With that penis expanding the way it was, it’s no wonder everyone was wailing.

Hardness:
These organs that might be mistaken for telephone poles are
not mere flesh and blood but “hard as steel,” “hard as a rock,” or a “diamond cutter.” One wonders whether we’re talking about making war or making love with these tools. There is, of course, no joy in a penis that’s sort of hard, semihard, or “only 70 percent” erect.

Activity:
These rocklike monstrosities manifest an excess of exuberance, for they are forever leaping, surging, springing, and, in general, behaving in a manner that might be considered dangerous for objects so large and hard. Two examples from novels: “He sprang swollen into her hand” and
“She captured his surging phallus.” (Sounds like that one almost got away.) Nowhere does one read of a penis that quietly moseyed out for a look at what was going on before springing and crashing into action.

The desired penis functions automatically and predictably, just like a well-oiled machine. It should immediately spring into full readiness whenever its owner decides he will use it. If you’re dancing close with someone, your penis should be fully erect, pressing mightily against your pants and making its presence clearly felt. If a woman unzips your fly, your erection ought to spring out at her. If you kiss, well, here’s how one novel put it:
“The lingering kiss [the first one that day, it should be said] induced an immediate erection.” The way some men talk about it, I have the impression they think their penises should stand fully erect if a woman even says hello to them.

Automatic functioning means that the penis should function regardless of any other considerations. Neither rain nor snow nor sleet shall keep the almighty penis from its appointed rounds. No matter if you’re sick or well, tired or fresh, preoccupied or fully present, if you like your partner or not, if you’re angry or not, if you’re anxious or relaxed, or if you’ve gotten any stimulation or not—your penis should immediately come to full attention and do its manly thing.

Penises in fantasyland are also distinguished by their ability to last. They can literally go all night. The admiring wife in one novel: “With Dax it’s like having a machine gun inside you. It never stops shooting and neither does he.” In one scene, she and Dax have intercourse and both have orgasms (naturally). Immediately after: “She looked at him in surprise. ‘You’re still hard,’ she exclaimed, a note of wonder coming into her voice. She threw her head back … as he thrust himself into her again.”