The New Male Sexuality (10 page)

Culture follows nature, at least in the most important areas. While political and religious authorities often are uncomfortable with anything sexual, no reproduction means the whole enterprise will soon go out of business. So while many authorities through history have been unable to stomach the idea of masturbation, homosexuality, or oral or anal sex, they always make provision for heterosexual intercourse under certain circumstances.

Most people, of course, do not think they want intercourse because they are following nature’s programming or in order to produce more of the faithful or more soldiers or customers. Their desires are always experienced in more personal terms. One woman said this about intercourse:

It’s not as exciting as oral sex or a vibrator, it’s certainly not orgasmic, but I feel incomplete without it. It’s just something I have to have.

A man put it differently:

I love when she goes down on me. My orgasms in her mouth are unbelievable. I even love a quick hand job. But there’s something special about intercourse. A sense of having her, possessing her, that I only get when my penis is in her vagina and I come inside of her.

Because of feelings like this, and also because of the sexual conditioning we’re given, the standard sexual script is simple: foreplay (which may include oral or manual stimulation of genitals, and the main purpose of
which is usually thought to be getting the woman ready for what is to follow) and then intercourse.

And it seems so natural, which of course it is, and makes so much sense. After all, he has a pole, she has a hole, so it seems only right that the pole should go in the hole. This can also be seen in apparently more sophisticated ways, having to do with the merging of the yin and the yang, the union of bodies and maybe souls. There’s also the silly fact that humans tend to make possibilities into imperatives. Since a man can get hard, he ought to get hard. Since we can stick poles in holes, we ought to; otherwise there’s something wrong.

Although from an evolutionary standpoint there is good reason for us to desire intercourse, there is a lot wrong with intercourse as an imperative, having to have it and seeing everything else as second best. The problems with intercourse as the main course can be grouped into six categories:

1. Since intercourse demands some kind of erection (not as hard as most men think, but still some hardness), it puts tremendous pressure on a man to get erect. The pressure would be less if the man could just will himself erect, as many men wish they could. But the penis is not subject to this kind of control.

Bad feelings result if the man doesn’t get and stay erect. He feels inadequate and less of a man, a very heavy burden indeed. And the woman often feels that his “failure” is a comment about her: She’s not sexy or skillful enough to get him hard. What is the point of all this self-inflicted misery?

2. Women are also put in a difficult situation. Thanks to Sigmund Freud and thousands of writers of pornography, it was assumed that both men and women would climax in intercourse. But the majority of women require direct clitoral stimulation and do not climax solely by means of intercourse. Thanks to the women’s movement of the 1960s and ’70s and the advent of sex therapy in the 1970s, this fact got lots of exposure, and
women were given permission and encouragement to get the kinds of stimulation they needed. Many men and women, however, continue to believe that women should somehow climax during intercourse, and both sexes feel bad when that doesn’t happen.

3. Intercourse as generally done takes more time and effort than some other sex acts, and also, as already noted, puts more pressure on both partners. This means that there is less sex than might be the case if other sexual activities were given equal significance.

4. It’s also a fact that many sex problems occur mainly or only during intercourse. Many men who ejaculate very quickly in intercourse, for instance, can enjoy manual or oral stimulation for much longer.

5. The emphasis on erections and intercourse fails to take into account our aging population, people with various kinds of illnesses and disabilities, and couples in which the woman is in the last stages of pregnancy or has recently given birth. Many people in these groups have difficulties with erections or intercourse and don’t fit the traditional sexual script very well. What are they supposed to do about sex?

6. Intercourse is also the most dangerous sexual act. One huge risk is pregnancy itself. I realize, of course, that Mother Nature would have a tough time with that one. She did not foresee a time when reproducing the species would be the least of our problems. Conception is the goal only a tiny proportion of the times men and women get together sexually. Disease is another problem. Although most STDs can be transmitted through oral-genital contact, the main risk by far is vaginal or anal intercourse. Why are we so intent on emphasizing a sexual act that can be so risky?

Given the stage we’ve reached in our historical development, given that pleasure and relationship enhancement are what we want from sex rather than reproduction, to some extent it’s fair to say that we have to go against Mother Nature’s design. But not by much. After all, while giving primacy to intercourse, she also built us to feel great pleasure with masturbation, oral sex, and lots of other kinds of stimulation. In addition to genitals, she gave us hands and mouths and tongues and sensitive skin all over. Consider for a moment the fact that no matter how large your penis is, even if it’s twelve inches long and eight inches around, that represents only a fraction of your total body area. Why should great feelings and great pleasure be limited to this tiny portion of your anatomy? And women have a clitoris, an organ that has nothing to do with reproduction and whose only function is sexual pleasure. Interestingly, it’s in a place that makes it difficult for a penis, thrusting or not, to stimulate it. Maybe Mother Nature thought that other kinds of sex besides intercourse should be part of the plan.

I believe that the fairest interpretation of Mother Nature’s plan these days is that it allows humans the freedom to choose how to enjoy sex. We can choose to enjoy it alone or with a partner, and with a partner we can choose from a whole range of options.

The more you accept the idea that there are many ways to give and receive sexual pleasure, the erections, intercourse, and even orgasm are nice
but not necessary, the more frequent and better sex you will have. Since you’ll be putting fewer demands on your penis, it will be free to do its best, and you’ll be able to enjoy a wide variety of sexual activities, including intercourse.

Some people might say,
“Other things can be fun, but it doesn’t feel like making love unless we have intercourse.”
That’s to be expected, because traditionally “making love” has meant intercourse and not other kinds of sexual activity. I suggest, however, that
making love has to do with feelings rather than with specific acts
. People can feel very loved and loving with all sorts of acts, many of them not even sexual. If you can allow this idea to be your guide—that it’s the feelings rather than the acts that define making love—I think you’ll agree. If your partner lovingly caresses you all over your body or lovingly stimulates your penis with her hand or mouth, why can’t that be lovemaking as much as intercourse is?

SEXUAL OPTIONS

I’m not suggesting you never have intercourse with an erection. Whenever you and your partner are agreed that’s what you both want, that’s what you should have. But you’ll have more sex, and probably more fun and satisfaction as well, if you’re willing to consider other options like the following:

Flirting with your partner although you both know nothing physical can take place now.

Flirting with another woman although you both know nothing physical will ever take place between you.

“Flirting is OK, but it’s not the same as physical sex.”
Of course it isn’t. But that doesn’t mean it can’t feel sexual and be the source of great pleasure. Why not just enjoy the feelings?

“Flirting is OK as far as it goes, but it doesn’t go far enough. I’m afraid I’d get all worked up and get frustrated.”
Let me assure you that no one has ever been taken to a hospital emergency room because of sexual frustration. Don’t worry, you won’t explode. Why not allow yourself to enjoy the good feelings and then let them subside? Or, if you know you and your partner will be together later, why not let the flirting start your juices flowing and build the turn-on?

Bathing your partner, or she you, or both of you bathing each other. Take your time and remember that getting clean is not the main purpose.

Giving or receiving a sensuous massage that does not include genital stimulation.

Giving or receiving a sensuous massage that does include genital stimulation.

Giving or receiving a session of toe sucking or finger licking and sucking. This may sound weird if you haven’t done it before, but giving it a try won’t cost you much.