The New Male Sexuality (48 page)

Reach out with one hand to hold her hand.

Reach up to her mouth with one hand so she can suck a finger. Many couples find this sexy and fun. You’re licking her clit and she’s giving a blow job to your finger.

Use a finger to rub her perineum, press it against her anus, or insert it into her anus. Not all women like something inserted into their anus, but many of them enjoy some pressure against the anal opening. If you’re going to insert the finger, use lots of lubricant. And always wash the finger
before inserting it into the vagina or touching the area around the urethral opening.

Use one or both hands to cup and massage her buttocks.

Try thrusting into or exploring the vagina with your tongue. Although there are few if any women who get an orgasm this way, it can be a nice thing to do. You can use your tongue in her vagina while she stimulates her clitoris with her finger. Or you can use your finger on her clitoris while licking her vagina with your tongue.

So far I’ve been talking about licking with a little thrusting thrown in. But there are other possibilities to check out. For example, suck the clitoris as you would a nipple. Little nips and even bites (small ones, of course, with lips over your teeth) are also worth exploring. Anything you can do with a nipple can be done with a clitoris. Just keep in mind that the clitoris is ever so sensitive. Always start with light stimulation.

THE SCENT OF A WOMAN

Although the vagina is designed to be self-cleansing as well as self-lubricating, more than a few men (and many women as well) have voiced concerns about vaginal odor. A scent does exist, but it varies greatly from woman to woman and from time to time. Some men like the smell, some don’t. It may help to keep in mind that unless your partner has a vaginal infection or poor hygienic practices, her odor shouldn’t be so strong as to offend you. This is especially true when you consider that your mouth isn’t usually in or on the vagina and your nose is an inch or more away. If you have your tongue on her clitoris, your nose will be above it, probably in her pubic hair. Of course, pubic hair has its own fragrance (in men as well), but many men find it less objectionable than vaginal odor.

If there are concerns about odor or anything else regarding oral sex, why not talk to your partner about them? Washing before sex, or maybe a fun shower or bath together—which many couples consider essential if oral sex is on the menu—will help.

Keep in mind that women are very sensitive about your reactions to their genitals. Even if they have their own issues about their genitals, they hope you’re not displeased or offended. So approach this whole issue with tact and discretion. If you suggest a bath before sex, suggest it for both of you, not just her.

THE G-SPOT

Interest in the G-spot runs very high. While I was hosting a sex chat forum for America Online, for example, questions about the G-spot were more common than any other. The area on the upper inner surface of the vagina (toward the belly) an inch or two in has been known for several thousand years, at least to practitioners of Tantric sex, as a very interesting place; they called it the sacred spot. Whether or not the G-spot is a true anatomical entity is not known at this point, and it really doesn’t make any difference. I encourage you to explore this area—or any area inside or outside your partner’s body—as long as you and your partner are not going to make yourself crazy if you don’t get the results you think you should.

Assuming you want to check out the sacred spot, the best way is with a finger rather than a tongue or penis. The woman needs to urinate, completely emptying her bladder, before this activity. Stimulation of this area presses on the bladder and gives the woman the feeling of having to urinate. If she’s just gone, she can remind herself that although it feels like she needs to pee, she really doesn’t.

What you want to do after the necessary preliminaries is, with her sitting or lying on her back, insert one finger and then angle it upward just past a ridge you should feel on the top side of the vagina. Your finger will be inside of her only about to the second finger joint, not all the way. It’s probably best to just let your finger rest there for a moment or two, simply pressing lightly, so that your partner can bring her consciousness down to that area. This is especially important if she doesn’t have much experience with stimulation of that area. Then use the “come hither” motion. (This is where having clean and trimmed fingernails becomes important.) How fast and hard is, of course, up to your partner. Some women like a light coaxing motion; others like it more direct and firmer. The urge to urinate usually subsides in a moment or two, and then she can focus more on her arousal. Anything new usually takes some getting used to, so don’t give up after ten minutes or one session. Check out this kind of stimulation a number of times and see how she feels about it.

Some women report a sensitive internal area in a different place than where the G-spot is supposed to be. Feel free to explore that one in any way she desires. Some women also report that their sensitive spot shifts depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

ORGASM CONSIDERATIONS

Two more things about orgasm require comment. Men should know that some women become very still and quiet just before their orgasm, as if they’re listening or waiting for it. If your partner does this, it’s crucial that you be accepting of it. Unless you’re told otherwise, just keep doing what you’ve been doing.

The other thing about women’s orgasm is that you should not stop stimulation when she begins to come. No matter how much moving and thrashing she’s doing, do your best to continue stimulation until she asks you to stop. Men and women are very different on this. Once a man reaches the point of ejaculatory inevitability, really the beginning of his orgasm, he will orgasm completely even if all stimulation ceases. Not so a woman. She needs consistent and continued stimulation until she’s done. If stimulation stops before her orgasm is complete, it may well abort the rest of it. The clear message to us men is: When she starts coming, don’t stop what you’re doing, and don’t change it. Just keep on truckin’.

There can be a difficulty with this, however. In the advanced stage of excitement—that is, when she’s nearing orgasm—a woman’s clitoris retracts under its hood and may seem to have disappeared altogether.
Do not go looking for it
. Just keep stimulating the general vicinity in which it was last seen.

Sometimes the woman will seem to draw away from you. That can mean that she doesn’t want any more stimulation there, or that she does but wants it to be gentler, or something else altogether. Unless you’re told to stop stimulating, just move with her and keep on doing what you’ve been doing.

AFTERWARD

When the manual or oral sex is over and you’re being loving together, don’t forget to mention how much you love to touch and lick her genitals and taste and smell her juices. If you’ve been doing primarily stimulation with your finger, putting that finger in your mouth and licking her juices off it with appreciative sounds can be very meaningful and loving to your partner. The same is true if you’ve given her oral sex and happily lick the juices off your lips with your tongue. Whatever you say or do, by all means stay connected.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Sex and the Single Man