The New Male Sexuality (52 page)

But a few said they wouldn’t be able to see him again. One articulate woman put it like this:

I know it isn’t fair. But to me, him not getting hard would mean I wasn’t sexy or skillful enough. I know that’s my own button, but it would be too much for me to handle. I’m sure I could cope if he developed an erection problem after we’d been together awhile. But at the start, when I’m so insecure anyway and so worried about my effect on him, I just don’t think I could deal with it.

It’s clear that she has the same fear of rejection you do. Your not getting erect seems to her like you are rejecting her.

Although I reported earlier that no man has reacted positively to my idea of telling potential partners about the problem, a great many of them ended up doing so. After considering the options, they realized this was the one that made the most sense.

So how did they go about this? The story of one client, Charles, offers some ideas. Charles dated lots of women in the months after his divorce, but only once or twice each, because of his fear that sex might come up and he would be humiliated. Finally, feeling he couldn’t go on this way, he came to see me. When I brought up the idea of telling a woman about his problem, he tenaciously resisted. There was no way, he said, he was going to announce to a woman he barely knew that he was impotent. The idea of
telling Janet, a woman he had been out with once and who he was quite interested in, was frightening.

I suggested that since none of the options open to him was terrific, the only question was which of them was the least bad. He said he’d think about it. The next time he saw Janet, he told her. Here’s his report:

I realized that I had to tell her. I couldn’t go on dropping women after only one or two dates. It was only making my fears worse. So I thought about how to bring it up. I realized we’d both been recently divorced and had talked a little about that during our first get-together. Since I see my problem as a consequence of a failing marriage and then the divorce, I realized that I could bring it up during another discussion about divorce.

I had planned to steer the conversation toward the subject of divorce the next time I saw Janet, but I didn’t have to. She did by mentioning that one outcome of the divorce is that she’s more guarded around men. I saw my chance and dove in. Told her I’m also more guarded and I’ve also got another consequence to deal with. With great difficulty I explained my erection problem. I was almost afraid to look at her while I was talking. But I did look at the end and she was smiling. Said she didn’t see it as a big problem. People who care about each other can do lots of fun things that don’t require erections.

If you think the problem is transient, here’s something you can say: “It takes me a few times with a new woman to get comfortable enough so my penis feels it can do its stuff.”

The same kinds of things can be said if your problem is rapid ejaculation, depending on whether the difficulty is transient or long-term. If you know from experience that your control will get better after a few more times, you can say: “I usually can last a lot longer after I’ve been with someone a few times.” If the problem is chronic, you need to say something different.

Using Chemical Aids

Some men these days are using chemical aids to help their erections, and others are using antidepressants to help them last longer on their sexual encounters with new partners. No doubt this practice will expand now that Viagra is with us.

If your problem is transient and you are able to function without the drug after a few times, there may not be much for you to say to your partner or for me to say to you. It is another story, however, if you continue to need the aid over time.

Sooner or later, something needs to be said, as she will discover that you are taking pills or shots. One young man who was taking Paxil to help him last longer was surprised when his girlfriend asked him why he hadn’t told her he was taking drugs for depression. While he was sleeping at her place, she decided to include his shirt in a load of laundry she was doing, and the vial of pills fell out of the shirt pocket. “I wasn’t prepared to tell her,” he reported, “but I had no choice. So I had to explain that I wasn’t depressed and why I was taking the pills. She wasn’t thrilled that I hadn’t told her sooner.”

At some point—which could be four weeks or three months into the relationship, depending on the woman and the situation—not telling her becomes withholding important information. A woman broke off the relationship with her boyfriend of eight months when she found out he had been taking penile injections the whole time without telling her. For her, this was a betrayal. “I had the right to know he had an erection problem. His not telling me means I can’t trust him. I wonder what else he hasn’t told me. I can’t be with a man like that.”

I know a number of men who used injections or pills to help them function with a new partner and then, after a bond had been formed, told their partners what was going on. In each situation the partner responded positively. In some cases the man kept using the aid. In other cases they had sex therapy to find a better solution.

What to Do When a Problem Occurs

When a problem occurs—whether or not you’ve spoken to your new partner about it and whether or not you’ve ever had this problem before—you should probably say something. Suppose you come fast in intercourse. Try saying something like this: “I was so excited, I couldn’t control myself. I’d like you to feel as good as I did. Tell me what you like.”

Let’s take the same scenario but make one change. Instead of coming fast, you don’t get an erection. Your partner uses her hand and her mouth on you, but to no avail. Chances are good that her efforts, as well-intentioned as they are, will only make things worse, because you’ll feel under even greater pressure to get hard.

There are several ways to handle this situation, but perhaps the best
might go like this. You recognize you’re tense and probably won’t get hard. So you stop her from trying to stimulate you and say something like this: “He’s [referring to your penis] shy the first time, and I don’t think he’ll come out to play tonight. How can I make you feel good?” An alternative is: “I just realized I’m a little tense. I don’t think I can get hard. Let’s do something else.”

Suppose she says: “That’s so disappointing. I was looking forward to having you inside me.” You could respond like this: “I was looking forward to it, too. But look, I’ve still got a hand and a pretty wicked tongue. Wanna play?”

But suppose she says no and tells you she’s no longer in the mood. If that happens, it’s not a tragedy—just another fact to consider. Here’s a way to deal with it: “I’m sorry you’re so disappointed. Here, let me rub your back. That often helps me when I feel disappointed.” Or (as you put your arms around her): “Maybe holding each other will help relieve the disappointment.”

Do Not Apologize for the Problem or for Yourself

Although I think it’s smart to tell a partner ahead of time about a problem and to acknowledge the problem when it occurs, it is
not
wise to apologize for it or for yourself. Men with sex problems feel bad because they “can’t deliver” and tend to feel guilty and apologetic about everything. Continuing to apologize for the problem may help relieve their guilt for the moment, but it does nothing to endear them to their partners. It’s difficult to be with someone or find him attractive if he seems to be apologizing for his existence.

My best advice is: Do not apologize for your physical appearance, your mental abilities, your personality, or your sexual history or performance. It’s bad enough if you don’t like any or all of these things. Apologizing will only call attention to them and get her to dislike them, too. No one likes to be with a wet blanket. If you’re terrible and life is terrible and everything is terrible, and that’s all you can say, you should consider sitting home alone and not inflicting your misery on others.

Better yet, consider changing your perspective and feeling and acting more positively. Yes, you have a problem, but it is solvable. Explain it, acknowledge it when it occurs, have a good time in spite of it, and get on with resolving it.

RESOLVING PROBLEMS

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Getting the Most from
Your Self-Help Program

Everything has gone to pot. The tension about sex has infected every part of our lives. We don’t touch anymore, we don’t have fun, and both of us blow up at the slightest pretext. I feel bad all the time, and I’m sure she does too
.
—Man, 42

Let’s face it. It’s no fun to have a sex problem, and the prospect of having to follow my suggestions isn’t the most exciting idea you’ve ever heard of. You have my sympathy. Over the years I’ve followed various athletic, dietary, medical, and therapeutic regimens myself, and I think I know what you’re feeling. I did very well with some of my programs, fared less well with others, and failed completely with a few. But I learned something important: I did best when I made the programs fun. When I had to rely on willpower alone and grit my teeth every time I had to do something, I didn’t do very well. In fact, it didn’t take long before I was off that program altogether. I also did best when I clearly understood what I was doing and stuck to a schedule.

I’m surprised at how many people plunge into a self-help program without doing the proper thinking and planning ahead of time and then just as quickly drop the program. This is why most people who join health clubs show up only a few times and are never heard from again.

To work productively on a sex problem and maximize the chances of a successful outcome, three general requirements must be met: (1) if you’re in a relationship, you need to get it in as good a shape as possible; (2) you need to understand what will be asked of you and to make the necessary arrangements; and (3) you need to get your mind working with you instead
of against you. These three topics are covered in this and the following chapter.